Chapter 21
SANTIAGO
The cadets had classroom training with one of the other instructors for the rest of the day. They’d only had about fifteen minutes for breakfast, and as I watched them filter into the class from my office, I noticed that every last one of them looked beat to shit.
A tiny stab of guilt seared through me. I’d been hard on them this morning. Maybe even a bit too hard. Ron had put us through days of shit exactly the same as I’d done this morning, though, and we’d all survived.
They would, too.
I dragged my fingers over the top of my head, the short bristles of my hair scraping across my palms, and I shoved the guilt away. Ron really had put us through way more than that, way more often than I had done, and he hadn’t even had a reason to do it.
To him, it’d just been training. I hadn’t kicked out the guy who’d been caught with the woman and I was keeping his identity to myself.
That was all the favors I had in me to do.
Besides, I’d been right there with them every step of the way.
I’d run with them, and on the obstacle course, I’d shown all of them what they were doing wrong on every obstacle they hadn’t quite mastered yet, which meant I’d done the course myself several times over.
I was fine, and I hadn’t even tried to catch the tail end of breakfast. When Mel closed the classroom door behind her and I realized I hadn’t seen Layla go in, I frowned. Since it was physically impossible for me not to take notice of that girl, I knew I hadn’t missed her.
Layla Perkins hadn’t reported for classroom training and she hadn’t been late once after that first day. Worry raced through me. Fuck, did she get hurt this morning? Is she in the infirmary? Why the hell isn’t she at class?
Getting up, I went to check the infirmary first, but there was no one there except one of the guys in my search-and-rescue team who was getting an old knee injury looked at. We shot the breeze for a minute, but then I left and headed toward the girls’ dorm.
Only Layla and Mel were left there now, and since I’d seen Mel go into class, at least that meant that Layla would be alone if this was where she was. Just in case, however, I closed the door behind me after I walked in. Then I did a double take when I saw she was starting to pack up her stuff.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
She started, clearly having been too deep in thought to hear me come in. Then she turned her head to look at me over her shoulder. “What does it look like I’m doing, sir?”
“It looks like you’re packing, so I guess the real question is why?”
Her green eyes latched on mine, and I saw the torment and indecision brewing inside them. “I’m packing because I think everything you did this morning is because of me. I don’t want to be a distraction and I don’t want to be the reason my class gets run ragged and has to starve.”
“You’re quitting?” I barely got the words out as my jaw slackened.
She shook her head. “No, I’m going to ask for a transfer.”
“If you do that, you’ll have to explain why you want one. What are you planning on saying?”
Her eyes rolled before she turned back to her bunk to continue folding her clothes. “Don’t worry, Master Chief Cortez. I was planning on keeping you out of it. I promised you I wouldn’t tell anyone what happened, and I keep my promises.”
“Okay, but then what are you going to say? It’s not like you can pack, request a transfer, and be someplace else by tonight.”
“Actually,” she said. “I think I can. When I signed up, a lot of people were unsure about letting me into the program here. Even my own father thought it might be better for me to do it somewhere other than at his old station. It’s no secret that I haven’t really been fitting in here, so I’m going to tell them that I made a mistake.
That I should’ve taken their advice and that I’m willing to wait until next session if there’s place in another class for me at this point. ”
“Don’t leave, Layla.” Fuck, why does it sound like I’m begging? I don’t beg. And yet, right now, I kind of was. “What happened this morning had nothing to do with you. I had to make an example and I had to come down on all of you hard because of what that cadet did.”
She still didn’t turn to look at me again. “You can’t tell me it was just because of some other person bringing someone back to the Station. What we did was worse and you know it. It’s got to have factored into your decisions.”
“Look, I’m not going to lie to you. What I did this morning was hypocritical, I know that.
Why do you think I was out there with you all?
I didn’t say it out loud, but I was accepting my punishment too.
The fact of the matter is that I’m struggling with the hypocrisy, but I still did what I had to do. ”
“Why did you have to do it?”
I sighed and dragged my hands over my hair again.
“There’s a chain of command here, Layla.
In training, I might be near the top of the food chain, but overall, I’m just a cog in the machine.
The cadet in question was drunk out of his mind when they caught him.
He bit one of the military police officers when they tried to take his lady friend from him, then he threatened to come all over another one if they didn’t let him finish with her before they took him to the brig. ”
Well, that definitely shut her up. For a moment, she didn’t make a sound. Then her shoulders started shaking with laughter. “Are you serious?”
“As a heart attack,” I promised, feeling some of the tension easing out of my muscles as I finally took a few more steps toward her.
“There was talk of kicking him out for it, and I had to do something to appease the powers that be. I didn’t want to kick out a guy who shows real potential just because he got drunk and horny during his time off.
All of you who are left show real potential.
I’d have done the same for any of the cadets, but that doesn’t change the fact that I had to come out strongly against what he did. ”
Her quiet laughter subsided and I saw her take a deep breath before she finally turned toward me again. “I believe you, but I still don’t want to be a distraction. You and I crossed a line, and after this morning, I’m not sure if we can come back from that.”
“Don’t quit on me, Perkins. You’re going to be a distraction wherever you go. You’re too damn beautiful for this, and I’ve known it all along, but stay here. Distract me.”
Those eyes flared wide open, surprise registering in them as she looked at me. “Why does it really sound like you want me to stay? Wouldn’t it be easier for you if I just disappeared?”
“It would be, but I’ve never liked taking the easy way out. It sounds like I want you to stay because I do. You’re one of my cadets, Perkins. You guys may not have noticed this yet, but it’s a job I take seriously. I don’t want to lose you just because I made a mistake.”
“Don’t do that,” she said softly. “Don’t take away my part in what happened. It’s not like you took advantage of me. It might’ve been a mistake, but you’re not the only one that made it.”
“Fine. We both made a mistake, but I don’t want that to derail your career. Regardless of how well you’ve done here, they may not just transfer you into another class. I know you said you were willing to wait until next session, but that’s not fair either.”
Her gaze went slowly from one of my eyes to the other. “You didn’t even look at me this morning.”
“I didn’t,” I admitted. “It’s not an excuse, but I did tell you I was struggling with the hypocrisy.”
“You called me cadet.” She ran her fingers through her thick hair, not playing with it exactly but definitely using it to keep her hands busy.
“I know there’s nothing going on between us, but it still stung.
I’m not sure if I can stay here, see you every day, and not be hurt by stuff like that.
And I shouldn’t be hurt by it. You treated me the same way you did everyone else, but I can’t help the way I feel. ”
“I treated you the same as I did everyone else, but I haven’t been inside everyone else. I don’t think it’s irrational for you to be hurt by that. Hell, it hurt me to do it. There’s no other choice, though.”
“How am I supposed to stay then?” she asked after pausing for a long moment. “You and I are clearly attracted to each other. As you just said, you’ve been inside me, but we can’t be together. Isn’t staying simply going to prolong the torture?”
“No,” I said firmly, even though it was an outright lie and I was absolutely sure she knew it.
“I’m not letting you quit because of this.
We are attracted to each other, but we’re also adults.
We can move forward from this without letting it derail either of our careers.
I’m sorry about this morning, but I can’t promise that it won’t happen again.
Punishment is part of the training sometimes.
And the instructors will be hard on you no matter where you go. It’s part of the job description.”
“Can you look me in the eyes and tell me that you’d still have done everything you did even if I hadn’t been here?”
I nodded. “People were watching, Perkins. He bit a military police officer and told Neil he was going to come on him. It was either make everyone pay to get the point across that we take it very seriously what he did, or kick him out. At this point, I really don’t want to deprive someone of a career I genuinely think you’re all meant for.
Not just for getting drunk and stupid on your first long weekend off. ”
Her eyes searched mine some more, and I could see I hadn’t convinced her to stay just yet. “Do you really think we can move forward from this?”
“Yes,” I said, but even as I said it, I didn’t know if it was entirely true.
All I wanted was more of that night, but the only thing that would suck more than seeing her every day and knowing I couldn’t have her was not seeing her at all.
“We’re grownups, Perkins. We also happen to be two pretty determined, pretty bad-ass grownups.
If we put our minds to it, we can put this behind us. ”
Finally, I saw the beginning of a smile on her lips as she nodded. “We are pretty bad ass, huh?”
“Yep.”
“Okay,” she said after another long pause. “I’ll stay, but you’re going to have to cover for me with whoever is instructing the class right now. The last thing anyone needs this morning is more drama or more punishment.”
“You got it,” I said. “Let’s get you to class, Perkins. I’ll just tell Andrews that I needed you for a minute. He’ll be okay.”
In truth, I needed her for much more than a minute.
A day would be nice, to start with, but I’d just promised her that we were going to put it behind us.
From now on, I was going to have to make do with my hand, get her through training, and then, once she was no longer one of my cadets, I was going to have to figure out how to get over her for good.