Chapter 33
LINDSAY
Lunch with Ember had done wonders for my mood, but the feeling of empowerment that had flowed through my veins pretty much shriveled up and died as soon as I’d left her. I might as well not have gone back to the office for the good it did me to be there.
I’d never had a more unproductive day at work, and I only had Jaxon to blame for it.
I knew he’d worked there for longer than I had since I’d taken the time to take a very detailed look at his file, but I couldn’t help feeling like he’d invaded the sanctity of my workplace.
A place that had always been somewhere I’d felt like I was at the top of the world.
In that office, I reigned supreme. There were very few people above me in the department itself, and outside of it, even the highest-ups often deferred to me for decisions relating to our workforce. I was the expert, and they knew it.
I used to take pride in that fact. I used to feel like I was invincible while I was there. Not in the silly, thought-I-could-get-away-with-anything kind of way. It was just that I was comfortable in my knowledge and in my job, and I didn’t feel the need to justify or explain that to anyone.
Seeing Jaxon had ripped my confidence to shreds. Maybe not seeing him but not knowing what to do with his case. I’d never been as uncertain, and yet this was my domain. My forte.
My brain said one thing, my injured heart another, and sometimes, the two would even switch. I hated the way I was feeling about it. I hated that I felt so much about it even more.
Lying on my couch with my knees hooked over the armrest, French music blasting over my speakers, and running my fingers through my hair, I wished I could teleport back to a time when I wasn’t the sad sack feeling sorry for herself over something as temporary as a vacation hookup.
Between my thoughts and the music, I almost missed the banging at my front door. Frowning as I sat up and hit pause on my remote, I nearly jerked when I realized there really was someone desperately trying to get my attention outside.
My heart jumped in my throat. Jaxon?
While I was telling myself that I really hoped it wasn’t him, I also knew how much I wanted it to be him. I wanted him on his knees groveling for my forgiveness, even if it was only to shut the door in his pretty face.
Yeah. That would be amazing. Smiling until I realized I’d never be able to look into those eyes and slam the door on them, I scowled as I flung it open.
Shock radiated through me at who was waiting on the other side, his fist poised to keep banging and his blue eyes flashing with relief when he noticed I’d opened up.
“I was starting to think I was going to have to break your door down. Why are you listening to French classics? You only listen to French classics when something’s wrong. ”
My brother grinned and opened his arms, enveloping me in the biggest, most comforting hug I could’ve gotten after the last few weeks. He rubbed my back when I started shaking in his arms, overcome with joy that he was okay and happy and here.
“What are you doing here?” I asked when I could finally form words again. “How did you even know where I lived?”
“I got your letters,” he said when he released me, the corners of his mouth turning down. “I kept all of them. I’ve reread them about a thousand times. I’ve had your address memorized since you sent it to me after you moved.”
Tears pricked at my eyes and I didn’t bother trying to hold them back, letting them flow over my cheeks as I put my hands on Ethan’s shoulders. “I just can’t believe you’re here.”
I looked him over head to toe three times, checking to make sure that he was real, uninjured, and in one piece before tugging him back into my arms. While I hadn’t heard it for years, his chuckle was still as familiar to me as my own when it rumbled in his chest.
“I’m sorry I made you wait so long,” he whispered into my hair. “I just wasn’t ready to see you before, but I’m on leave, and I really wanted to come see you.”
Questions slammed into my mind one after the other, each as burning and urgent as the one before. Asking him about it while he was still standing out in the hall probably wasn’t the best move, though.
Ethan and I had a lot of ground to cover, and I didn’t want him feeling like he’d come to see me only so I could interrogate him.
My brother was almost a foot taller than I was, coming in at six-two, and he might be a badass in the Air Force now, but he was still my little brother.
I didn’t want to make him regret coming to see me.
God forbid he takes off and doesn’t come back for another half decade.
Pulling out of our hug, I waved him into my house. “Come on in. I’m sure you could use a drink. Can I make you something to eat?”
“Nah. I’m all good.” His eyes were several shades lighter than mine, making it much easier to pick up the sparkle in them even when he only glanced at me. “I didn’t come here just so you could feed me.”
“Really?” I slapped a hand over my heart. “Is that your way of saying you don’t like my cooking?”
“It’s my way of saying I ate before I came so you wouldn’t have to cook for me, but you’ve always been a bit heavy handed on the salt.
” He winked before his eyes lost some of their shine when he looked around the house.
“Husband not home? I thought I’d finally get to meet him.
On the other hand, is he the cause of the French music?
Are you two lovebirds fighting already?”
A shadow crossed his face, and he wound his fingers around mine, giving them a gentle squeeze before releasing them. “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to the wedding. I tried to fix it so I got home in time, but I only got in yesterday.”
“You didn’t miss much,” I said. “Will didn’t show up either. It’s difficult to have a wedding when the bride is the only one who makes the effort to stick around.”
“He stood you up?” he said after opening and closing his mouth a few times. Then he shoved his hands repeatedly into his auburn hair.
Ethan and I had similarly shaped faces, and we both had blue eyes, but I’d gotten Mom’s pitch-black hair while he had Dad’s rich, reddish-brown color. He’d also gotten the height, the muscles, and the willingness to exercise them.
We didn’t look much alike, but he was my soul’s twin. I could see the guilt he looked at me with now and the torment twisting him up inside. “Fuck, Linds. You should’ve called me! Are you okay?”
“I’m fine about Will and the wedding.” I averted my gaze, keeping it glued to the orange ball of the sun dipping beyond the treetops outside. “I’ve realized I should never have said yes. It felt like the right thing to do at the time, but honestly? He did me a favor by leaving.”
“Why the French music? If you’re really okay, you’d have been listening to rock. I know you, big sis. Don’t try to bullshit me.”
“I’m not.” I planted my hands on my hips and stuck my finger out so close to his chest I almost jabbed it. “What about you, Mr. I Enlisted Never To Be Heard From Again? If you got my letters, why haven’t I gotten any from you? I thought I was sending them to the wrong address or something.”
“You weren’t.” He took a step back from me, holding up his hands to show me his palms. “How about we get something to drink and sit down? It seems we have a lot more to talk about than I thought we did.”
I studied his face, my eyes roaming over every inch of the familiar features but also the unfamiliar ones. A healed cut above his eyebrow, the dark stubble he hadn’t had before, and the beginnings of creases in his skin.
He still looked like my brother, but he was also right. We did have a lot to talk about, starting with why I hadn’t seen him in so long that I hadn’t even known about his scar even though it looked like it’d been there for years.
Ethan opted for a beer, so I took out the entire six pack I’d stored in the fridge for Will for after we got back from our honeymoon.
Grabbing an ice bucket from the cabinet under the sink, I filled it with the cubes I had in the freezer, stuck the beers in it, and led my brother out onto the patio.
My backyard wasn’t big, but the lawn was green. My herb and vegetable garden was coming along nicely thanks to Ember watering it while I was away, and the two deck chairs on the grass had a small plastic table between them.
Light emanated from inside the house, so I left the outside lights off. I had a feeling we’d both want a little privacy during the conversation we were about to have.
“Take turns?” my brother suggested after we sat down.
I nodded. “Me first.”
“I can agree to that,” he grumbled. “As long as you promise to let me say what I need to without interrupting.”
“I’ll do my best,” I promised. “You know my first question already, so out with it. Why haven’t I heard from you?”
He blew out a breath, his eyes on the horizon as he answered. “You’ve always had everything so together. I’m not blaming you at all. I admire you for it actually. It just wasn’t always easy to measure up.”
“I never meant to make you feel that way,” I said, my voice soft. I didn’t argue with him, though. He was finally telling me how he felt and giving me a reason for the distance between us. Nothing I could say could change the way I’d made him feel—whether it’d been my intention or not.
“I know.” His hand reached across the chasm between us to squeeze my arm. “It was never about you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You ate up a lot more shit from me than I ever should’ve given you.”
I didn’t say anything, silently willing him to continue. When he did, I let out a small sound of relief. “I needed time to figure out who I was without you always defending me, or fixing it for me, or trying to help. Like I said. I needed to get my shit together so I could stop being a burden.”
“You were never a burden,” I said fiercely. “Never. If I made you feel like you were—”
“No. You never made me feel like I was. I just knew that I was. Deep down, every time I fucked up, I felt like I’d let you down. I believe our deal was taking turns, though. It’s your turn.”
The words reminded me of Jaxon saying the exact same thing not too long ago, and the whole sad story came spilling out of me in one long rush of words. Ethan didn’t interrupt, chuckling when I came to what had happened with him in my office.
“That’s quite the fucking story. I assume this fake husband of yours is the reason for the music?”
“Yep.” If nothing else, I was a creature of habit.
I’d discovered the classics like Edith Piaf years ago, and I’d never stopped listening to the woman who was my personal goddess.
“I’m so screwed. If I fire him, I’ll be carrying out a personal vendetta, but if I don’t, I’ll have to live with the knowledge that we work for the same company.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to concentrate again. ”
“You’ve always had a bleeding heart, Linds. Even when people have upset you. It’s what makes you you. It’s one of the qualities I love most about you. If it wasn’t for that, you’d have shut the door in my face when I showed up out of the blue after so many years.”
“It makes me weak.” I ground my teeth. “Not with you, obviously. You’re my blood and my best friend, but with him? It’s a weakness.”
He sat up and swung his legs to my side of my chair, his face serious when he lifted his gaze to mine.
“Weak? No, Linds. You’ve got it all wrong.
It’s what makes you strong. The capacity for forgiveness over petty vengeance?
The ability to do the right thing even if it’s the most difficult thing to do?
Resilience so remarkable you can overcome anything?
There aren’t many people who can truly say they’ve got any of that, and you, my dear sister, have it in spades. ”
If he kept it up, I was going to start crying again. Not because he was complimenting me, but because after all these years, my little brother still believed in me. And if he could do it, so could I.