Chapter 21
NATALIE
Oof!
I grunted with the blow to my stomach. I barely had time to wake up before I was kneed in the thigh. I scooted over to get away from the man thrashing in bed next to me. It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening.
I said his name calmly but firmly.
His head turned left and right. He was mumbling something. It sounded like he was trying to call someone. I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder. “Hudson,” I whispered. “Hudson, it’s me. It’s Nat. You’re home. You’re in bed.”
He wasn’t hearing me. The nightmare had a solid grip on him.
He tossed and thrashed about. I was afraid to get too close.
I didn’t want him to start swinging and knock me out.
I scooted to the other side of the mattress and hopped up.
I turned on the light and pulled back the heavy curtains just a bit to let in the sun.
He was still mumbling. I thought he said Murray, but I couldn’t say for sure.
I crawled back onto the mattress and touched his chest. He was sweaty and clammy at the same time.
The sheet was twisted around his legs. I didn’t even care that he was naked and exposed.
He was really in the thick of it. His face was twisted in pain.
His hands balled into fists while his legs kicked out.
“Hudson!” I said loud and clear.
His eyes popped open. He looked at me and immediately tried to get away.
I could tell he wasn’t seeing me. He was seeing me, but not me.
Not Natalie. I was part of whatever nightmare he was caught up in.
He pushed away, using his feet to propel himself away from me.
His body landed on the floor, which seemed to be the thing that finally woke him up.
“Shit,” he muttered.
“Are you okay?” I asked softly. I didn’t move from the bed. I didn’t dare try to touch him. If he was still confused, I was afraid I might get hurt. I had no doubt in my mind he would feel horrible if he hurt me. It wouldn’t be intentional.
He rubbed a hand over his face and reached for the sheet to cover himself. I was completely naked and kneeling on the air mattress. I reached for the blanket and pulled it around me.
“Are you okay?” he asked with concern. “Did I hurt you?”
“I’m fine,” I said in a bit of shock. “Are you okay?”
He rubbed his face several times. “I’m fine.”
“You might be physically fine, but you are not fine,” I told him. “Is that normal? Do you have these dream every night?”
“No,” he grumbled without making eye contact.
“Hudson, that isn’t normal,” I said gently.
He got back onto the mattress and lay on his back. “It was just a nightmare. It happens.”
“Hudson, is this what has been keeping you from sleeping every night?” I asked again.
“Not every night.”
He wasn’t going to tell me anything. The way he was staring up at the ceiling with a look of anger concerned me.
Was he mad I was asking? Mad I witnessed the nightmare?
Mad about whatever the nightmare was about?
I couldn’t say for sure, but something felt off.
Something had me feeling very uncomfortable.
“You were really caught up in the dream,” I said. “I was worried. Do you want to talk about it? Sometimes it helps just to get it off your chest. Whatever it was, it doesn’t seem like something you want to hold on to on your own.”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he snapped. “Just let it go. It was a dream.”
“It was more than a dream,” I said. “You were in it. You were reliving something horrible. I’m not asking you for details about what you’ve been through. But maybe just talking about the general parts of it could help.”
“I’m not,” he paused. “I can’t.”
“Does it have to do with war?” I asked softly.
He turned his head and looked at me. “It was never actually war.”
“But it was something that happened to you,” I said.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, sighing. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“You’re right,” I said. I wanted to touch him but didn’t dare reach out.
He was lying stretched out, and to anyone else, it would have looked like he was relaxed.
I knew differently. He was stiff and his breathing was not even.
He wasn’t as cool as he was pretending to be.
“I would not understand, but what about that guy you met, Gus? Maybe you can talk to him about this stuff.”
“People have bad dreams,” he said irritably. “Just lay back down.”
I shook my head. No way was I lying next to him completely vulnerable to whatever might come next. I had seen the movies. I had read the stories about guys that came back and turned violent without intending to.
“I think I’m going to go,” I said.
“Nat, don’t be like that,” he groaned. “Seriously, just lay fucking down. It was a nightmare. Quit making it a thing.”
“I’m not going to lay down,” I said defiantly. “It is a thing. I’m worried about you.”
“It’s a dream, Natalie,” he said, sighing. “People have them all the time.”
“People that have been in your shoes and have them can get some help,” I replied. I was trying to be gentle and understanding. I understood it could be seen as a sign of weakness. But that was such an antiquated opinion of PTSD. It seemed like it was pretty common these days.
“I don’t need help,” he said and threw off the sheet. He stood in all his naked glory and jerked a pair of underwear out of his bag.
“I’m not saying it makes you less than,” I said and got to my feet.
“I’m worried about you. Just talk to someone.
I know I’m not the one. Your brother. That group you went to.
That’s why you went, right? You know there is something.
You know you’re struggling just a little.
It doesn’t make you any less tough or manly. ”
He had his back to me while he jerked on his clothes. “I don’t know why you need to make this a thing.”
I dared to touch him. I gently reached out and touched his shoulder. He jumped and spun around with a look in his eyes that terrified me. I stepped back. “Sorry,” I said.
“It’s fine,” he said and relaxed.
“I’m going to go,” I told him and quickly dressed.
“Natalie, wait,” he said and grabbed my arm.
I froze with my eyes dropping to where he was touching me. “I can’t do this, Hudson,” I said with a shake of my head. I didn’t want to get into a whole long story, but I didn’t do violence or danger. I had one bad boyfriend and it changed everything.
“Do what?” he said.
“This. I don’t know what this is, or what you thought we were doing, but I can’t do it.”
Both hands rubbed over his face. “I need coffee. I can’t deal with this shit right now.”
“I’m not asking you to deal with anything,” I shot back.
“You want to talk feelings and all that,” he said with a look of sheer disgust. “Not interested. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. I can’t do drama.”
He was pissing me off. I did not like being made to sound like a drama queen.
“I’m not being dramatic,” I snapped. “If you want to thrash about in bed, fine. You’ll be doing it alone.
I’m not going to be lying next to you. I refuse to listen to you in distress and being unable to do anything about it.
You need help. I cannot and will not sit back and just let it happen.
I won’t watch you go through it. Either I help you, or you help yourself.
But doing nothing is not an option for me. ”
He shook his head. “I’m not doing nothing,” I said. “I’m handling it the best I can. This shit doesn’t go away overnight.”
“I know,” I said, nodding. “I understand. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine.”
He wasn’t fine, and I had a feeling he wasn’t going to do anything about it. I took a deep breath. “Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you at work. I’m going to go.”
“That’s it?” he said. “You’re just going to walk out.”
“Yes,” I replied. “I have to. I can’t be involved with someone that could unintentionally hurt me.
Or yourself. I’ve been down a very similar road before.
I’m not going to do it again. I can’t. I won’t.
I do care about you, but I can’t help you if you don’t think there is an issue.
I don’t think you’re broken or anything like that.
I just think these nightmares can become an issue.
If you’re not sleeping, it’s just going to get worse. ”
“This isn’t quite as bad as you are making it out to be,” he argued. “Yes, I have the occasional nightmare. Sometimes they can be very vivid. It has not, nor will it get in the way of my workday.”
“I’m not talking about work,” I said. “I’m talking about us.
What happens if I can’t wake you up? What if you start sleepwalking?
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s nothing. I hope so, but I can’t be here and watch it.
It was horrible hearing you shout. I hated not being able to save you from that nightmare.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I should leave you to suffer or risk startling you. ”
He let out a long sigh. “Whatever. Do whatever you think is right.”
“What I think is right is to get you to admit you’re not doing as well as you might think you are,” I said.
“There was the fight and I’ve noticed little things around the shop.
You’re jumpy. You’re always looking for something to happen.
I can’t imagine how it must feel to always be at a heightened state.
I want you to be able to relax and unwind.
I want you to be able to sleep. You deserve to rest after all the time you’ve put in keeping the rest of us safe. ”
He rolled his eyes. “That sounds very cliché. I didn’t do shit. I did my job. I can’t even say I did it well.”
That wasn’t exactly what I was hoping to hear, but I wasn’t going to argue. It solved nothing. I left his room, collected my purse, and pushed on my sunglasses. “See you tomorrow.”
“I’ll walk you home,” he said reluctantly.
“No thanks,” I replied. “I’d prefer to walk alone.”
“Suit yourself.”
I heard the door slam behind me. I hated to leave him, but this was my attempt at some tough love. There was a very good chance I was overplaying my hand. He might not give a shit if he ever saw me again.
I hoped he would talk to the guy he mentioned before.
I hated to see him suffering, and I knew he was hurting.
I couldn’t begin to imagine what it must be like to go to bed knowing you were going to be torn awake in the throes of what was likely one of the worst days of his life.
I wished I had the tools to help him. I didn’t.
I was afraid I would only make things worse.
I didn’t know what to say or do. It was better if I took a step back and waited for him to realize things weren’t normal.
I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, lover, or boyfriend. I didn’t know what we were or were going to be, but it felt like I had just kicked that door shut. Of course. I finally find a man I could see a future with and there is one major flaw. A catastrophic flaw.