Chapter 46
HUDSON
It had been almost a week since Natalie left.
It felt like an eternity. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
It was like there were little reminders of her everywhere.
The shop was not the same without her. She was far more important than she gave herself credit for.
I kept walking by her office and wondering if maybe she was in there.
I would open the door and the emptiness would be huge, like a giant vacuum.
Part of me really expected her to be back by now.
I didn’t believe she would stay gone for good, but how long?
After kicking around my apartment that felt way too small, I gave in and decided to leave.
I went for a jog in an attempt to distract myself.
It didn’t work. In fact, it felt like it made things worse.
I kept repeating those last words she said.
She had to put herself back together. I had broken her.
I hated that I hurt her physically, but emotionally was just as bad.
I found myself at the pub, sweaty and in desperate need of a drink.
Gus and the counselor discouraged alcohol, but I needed a damn drink.
I walked in and found Gus and Teresa sitting at a table.
I knew they were seeing each other, or at the very least, they wanted to date.
I wasn’t sure what the deal was, but I got the distinct impression they were hiding it from me.
“Hudson,” Teresa said and jumped up from the table. “Hey, what are you doing here?”
I raised an eyebrow and looked from her to Gus. “If you two are a thing, please don’t think you need to hide it from me. You’re a big girl. I think you can make your own decisions.”
She looked uncomfortable. “It’s not that we’re hiding it.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with it?” Gus asked.
“I’m positive. I don’t care. Just don’t fuck with her. I will kick your ass.”
He laughed and shook my hand. “Sounds reasonable.”
“Want anything?” Teresa asked. “Were you just out for a run?”
“I was,” I said. “I was hoping to get a beer.”
“Have you eaten today?” she asked like a typical big sister.
I shrugged and sat down. “Eh.”
“I’m getting you a burger,” she said. “You have to eat.”
She rushed away, returning a few seconds later with a beer before rushing off once again.
“She’s worried about you,” Gus said.
“Why?”
“You know why,” he said. “Natalie. They’re both worried about you. They know you’ve been off a little since she left.”
“I don’t want to be off,” I said. “I don’t think I realized just how much I was going to miss her.
It’s all foreign to me. I don’t get involved.
My relationship with my brother and sister is really all I have.
It’s all I’ve ever needed. And then Natalie came into my life.
Everything is different now. I miss her. ”
“Of course, you do,” he said. “She was your girlfriend.”
“I don’t know if I’d go that far.”
Teresa returned with a basket with a burger and fries. “Eat. I called Hux. He’s on his way.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because he said he hasn’t talked to you all day,” she replied. “I told him you were here.”
“Guys, I know it must seem like I’m a basket case, but I’m really okay.”
“Have you talked to her?” Teresa asked.
“If you’re referring to Natalie, no. She doesn’t want to hear from me. She went to Montana to get away from me. I never knew I was that powerful to repel a woman all the way across the country.”
“She’s hurt,” Teresa said. “She’s licking her wounds.”
“I certainly never meant to hurt her,” I said. “I never intended for anything to happen with us.”
“What’d you think was going to happen when you took her to bed?” Teresa asked dryly. “She’s not the kind of girl that sleeps around. Shame on you for thinking you could have a one and done with her. Or a two and done. I’m surprised Huxley didn’t kick your ass.”
“Trust me, he made it clear he would if I mistreated her,” I said. I wasn’t about to get into the dirty details of my sex life. We weren’t that close.
“Are things okay with you and Hux?” Teresa asked.
“Why wouldn’t they be?” I wiped my mouth and got very serious. “Has he said something? Is he pissed at me?”
“No, not that I know of,” she said. “I was just wondering. Him and Natalie have been inseparable since birth practically. I wasn’t sure if there would be some animosity.”
“Well, fuck, I don’t know,” I muttered. “I didn’t think so, but now that you say it, I guess it’s probably true.”
I really didn’t want to eat the burger. I didn’t have much of an appetite lately. But if I didn’t eat, I had a feeling she would force feed me. I had asked Hux a couple times if we were cool. He always told me everything was fine. Now, I had to wonder if he’d said something different to her.
“I’m going to get out of here,” Gus said.
“I’ll see you soon,” Teresa said with a shy smile.
“Hot date?” I teased.
“Stop,” she said. “You said you were okay with this.”
“I am. I’ll see you tomorrow, Gus.”
He left. Teresa went back behind the bar.
Once again, I was alone. I kept telling myself that was what I wanted, but damn, every time I was alone, I was longing for her.
I missed those moments when we could just sit on the couch without talking.
Every once in a while, she would say something about the show we were watching.
While we spent a lot of time together, we weren’t always having sex. Our relationship was more than sex. I knew my brother and sister didn’t believe that. I wasn’t interested in trying to convince them otherwise. I knew the truth.
Hux walked in and sat down across from me. “Where’ve you been?” he asked.
“I’ve been at home,” I said, shrugging. “I didn’t know you were looking for me. You didn’t call.”
“I thought we were going to go to the beach today.”
“Again, you didn’t call,” I reminded him. “I was taking care of stuff at home.”
“You’re sulking,” he said.
“Maybe a little,” I agreed. “How is she?”
“She’s good,” he said. “She doesn’t want me to call her, so I have to keep it to emails.”
“Why doesn’t she want you to call her?”
I was worried she was mad at him because of me. That would just add fuel to the fire of guilt I already felt.
“She’s homesick,” he said. “Talking to me makes it harder. Plus, she’s enjoying the time with her family. I know the reason she left, but I think this little vacation is actually working out well for her as well.”
“Good.”
“So, how are you doing?” he asked. “Sleep last night?”
“I slept enough.”
“So, not much,” he said.
“I’m trying.”
“I know,” he said, sighing. “You miss her.”
“I’m not going to deny it,” I said. “She was a big part of my life when I returned. And now she’s gone. I’m not afraid to admit there’s a hole. Like I was telling Gus, it’s a weird feeling. I’ve never missed a woman.”
He laughed. “That’s because she’s not just a woman. She’s Natalie.”
“She is a special woman,” I said, nodding. “I hope I didn’t ruin your friendship.”
“You didn’t,” he replied. “I won’t let you. Our friendship is solid.”
“I think I envy you a little,” I said.
“Why?”
“Because she’s your best friend,” I replied. “You are close to her. I had a brief glimpse of that closeness. I know how special she is. I had it and I lost it. It’s almost a feeling of devastation. I don’t know why it’s bothering me so bad.”
“Because you love her,” he said.
“What?”
“You love her,” he said again. “You didn’t know that?”
“No. I mean, I think I could have loved her. If we would have had more time together, I think we could have definitely fallen in love.”
He smirked. “You don’t get to decide when you fall in love,” he said. “It happens.”
“I don’t do love,” I said.”
“You might not do love, but your heart does.”
I frowned and tried to analyze what it was I was feeling. “I don’t know,” I said. “Love is a pretty strong word. I don’t know if I can fall in love. I don’t think I have that kind of heart.”
“We all have the heart for love,” he said. “You’ve been a shell of a man since she’s been gone. You’re crushed because you lost her.”
“I’m sad that she’s gone,” I said. “I’m not going to deny that.”
“You love her,” he said with a laugh. “Why are you fighting it?”
“I’m not trying to fight it, but I just don’t think I’m there yet,” I said.
“Where are you?” Teresa asked.
“He’s in love with Natalie but he doesn’t want to admit it,” Hux answered.
“You love her,” Teresa said. “We all know that.”
“You all seem pretty confident about that,” I said. “Good to know you are all tapped into what I feel.”
“Someone has to be,” Hux said.
I mulled over the word. “Love,” I said aloud.
“Yes, love,” Teresa said.
“Fuck,” I breathed. “Is that what’s wrong with me?”
They both laughed. “It’s not actually an ailment. A lot of people appreciate love.”
“I don’t know the first thing about love,” I said. “And now you’re telling me I love a woman that has exited my life.”
Hux waggled his finger. “She didn’t exit. You pushed her out.”
“Yes, I did,” I said, sighing. “Boo on me. I fucked that up. Who’s really surprised by that?”
“I don’t think it’s as bad as you think it is,” Hux said. “You just need to tell her how you feel. That would change everything.”
“It changes nothing,” I said. “I’m still damaged goods. Loving her doesn’t mean I’m not going to attack her in my sleep.”
“Yeah, but if you love her, you can work through the rest of it,” Hux said. “I guarantee you she loves you as well. You don’t have to live together or stay the night together. But you can be together. You will get through this. When you do, she’s going to be right there.”
“I was pretty obnoxious,” I said. “I don’t think she would want to be with me after that.”
“You would be doing yourself a major disservice if you didn’t at least tell her,” Hux said. “She deserves to know how you feel. Even if she rejects you, she should know her feelings for you were reciprocated.”
“All she can do is tell you to get lost,” Teresa said. “You lose nothing. You just end up right back here being sad and miserable.”
They were really giving me one hell of an idea. Could I put myself out there like that? If she laughed in my face, it would be brutal. I had lived through plenty of brutal things before. I supposed one more wouldn’t be the end of the world.
“Where is she?” I asked.
Hux grinned. “Are you going to do it?”
“I think this is something I should say in person, don’t you think?”
“Yes,” Teresa and Hux said in unison.
Teresa clapped her hands. “It’s like a movie ending. Boy gets the girl!”
“Boy has not gotten the girl,” I reminded her. “She has yet to accept the apology I need to figure out how to say. I don’t know if I have the words. I’ve never had to tell anyone how I felt. I’ll probably completely screw it up.”
“Just be honest with her,” Hux said. “She doesn’t need you to be perfect. She needs you to be honest. Don’t be afraid to be raw.”
“I can’t believe this,” I said. “What am I doing?”
“You’re getting your happy ass on a plane and professing your love to a woman you’re crazy about. She’ll be just as crazy about you,” Teresa said. “Go get her.”
“Bring home my friend,” Hux said. “I’ve got her aunt’s address.”
“Go,” Teresa shooed us out. “You need to pack!”