Chapter 36
LAYLA
It had been days since I’d last seen Santiago. At this point, I wasn’t even sure he was still on the Station. Every morning when I woke up, I wondered if today would be the day he was back—or even the day we finally found out what happened to him.
So far, though, I’d had no such luck.
As I headed to the field for PT with the sun rising over the bay and a light breeze rustling the leaves of the trees nearby, I mentally crossed my fingers and toes that I’d round the bend and he’d be there. That he’d magically appear and tell us that it’d only been some time off after the crash.
When I got to PT and saw he was still not there, however, my heart sank to my shoes. If he really was gone, I hadn’t even had the chance to say goodbye.
Wild rumors were flying around the Station about what happened to him. Some people seemed to think that the helicopter crash had been the straw that had broken the camel’s back while others were of the opinion that he was simply taking some time off.
Yet others speculated that he’d been promoted because of his heroics on the day while some wondered if he’d been fired because it’d happened in the first place.
No one seemed to have the faintest idea where he was or why, and if the instructors who had taken over for him knew anything, they sure weren’t giving it away.
It was driving me nuts. If only I knew, then at least I’d have answers. It felt like I needed to know so I could have some closure, but again, so far, I’d had no such luck.
I was stuck in an infinite loop of wondering. Wishing. Waiting. And it was awful. So damn awful. I knew it was about time that I accepted the fact that he’d broken up with me and then disappeared, but I just couldn’t.
For starters, it felt like an extreme form of ghosting for him to leave a job he loved just so he wouldn’t have to see me, but it wasn’t just that. Him ending things had been so out of the blue and I still had questions.
Questions it seemed I would now never get any answers to.
“With me, cadets,” a stand-in instructor called. Then he took off on our morning run without waiting for us to fall into formation or checking that we were even all here. Honestly, this guy wasn’t half the teacher Santiago was. If he was meant to see us through this thing, we were screwed.
But we fell into step behind him like the good little cadets we were and jogged into the sunrise. With every fall of my feet against the dirt, a memory of Santiago popped into my head. The first time he led us on this very path and of that first beer we had together.
I replayed it all. Every tiny moment we’d had and every first. Every big thing we’d shared and every last. I did this every morning, on every run. I couldn’t seem to stop it from happening. As soon as my body found its groove, my head found its way to him.
The whole time I ran, he was on my mind. By the time we made it back to the Station, I felt like I’d run the gauntlet instead of a jogging track.
Bending over, my hands hit my knees but I didn’t need to catch my breath. I just needed to get my brain off of memory lane and my head in the game.
“Okay, cadets. Let’s hit the course. You know the drill. Four at a time. On my signal… and go.”
I lifted my head to narrow my eyes at our new instructor. No doubt it would be someone else tomorrow morning, but regardless of who it was, surely they knew they were supposed to give us time to warm up.
Sure, we’d just been on a five-mile run, but Santiago—
No. Stop it. Bad Layla!
I really was going to drive myself insane if I didn’t stop thinking about him.
All I needed to do was to find a way to forget it ever even happened.
He was gone, and clearly, he wasn’t coming back.
My closure wasn’t going to happen. My questions were going to remain unanswered, and I needed to find a way to be okay with that.
Determined that I was going to start moving on from him right now, I grabbed a spot in the next group facing the obstacle course and Matt frowned when I joined them at the starting line. “What’s up, Perkins? Don’t you usually go with Mel and her boys?”
“I do, but I’m looking for a new challenge today.”
He smirked. “A new challenge, huh? Okay, you’re on. Fastest through gets shameless bragging rights for the rest of the day?”
Jonathan laughed at my other side. “Bro, you brag shamelessly every day. How about best time gets to tell you to shut up for the rest of the day?”
Matt shrugged. “You’re on.”
For the first time in a few days, I smiled.
The other cadets still weren’t my friends, but it felt like they were finally starting to accept me as one of their own.
This had been the most casual exchange I’d been part of with this particular group, and I was going to kick their asses on the course to show my appreciation.
When the whistle blew, we took off. While I knew the others were right there, I soon forgot all about them and about kicking their asses as I focused on making this my best time yet.
I channeled all my anger and frustration about not seeing Santiago into my efforts, and in a way, this felt like my swan song.
I flew through the course, only vaguely aware that I was way ahead of the others—until I got to the wall. The bane of my damn existence.
I’d been working on it and working on it, and last night, I’d even almost made it over but only almost. It still hadn’t happened for me, but today was my day. I didn’t break stride as I ran at it, remembering all the advice he’d given me and not even considering going around it instead.
I smacked against the brick as I took a flying leap at it, and somehow, miraculously, I managed to get a good grip this time. With both hands. As soon as my left palm hit the rough surface, my shoes found purchase in a groove and I used my momentum to keep carrying me up.
And it worked.
Wait, it fucking worked?
It had worked, though. Before I even knew how I’d actually managed it, I was over the wall and elation filled my bloodstream with joyful bubbles.
A shout tore out of me as I went over, but I’d been so focused on getting up that I suddenly realized I’d paid zero attention at all to getting down on the other side.
Of course, I only realized this once I was airborne, and then I hit the sand with a dull thud. A jarring shock ricocheted through me and my teeth clanged together, but as I lay on the other side, I was still grinning.
It hadn’t been a graceful dismount by any means, but I’d made it. I’d gotten over and now I was pretty sure I’d be able to do it again. It was a huge moment for me, and even when I saw Jackson effortlessly flying over me as he got across the wall, I didn’t move.
I was savoring this damn moment for all it was worth. Winning the right to tell Matt to shut up didn’t motivate me enough to get me up right now. I barely ever even spoke to the guy. Getting to tell him to shut up just wasn’t appealing enough.
My immediate instinct was to look for Santiago. Without his help, I’d never have made it, but of course, he wasn’t here.
My excitement and elation died a quiet death as I lay there in the sand, now just lying there because I couldn’t be bothered to get up. I’d done it. After months of trying, I’d finally done it and he hadn’t even been here to see it.
If a tree falls in a forest, does it even make a sound?
I didn’t know. Just like I didn’t know where Santiago was or why he’d left. Tears suddenly sprang to the backs of my eyes as it finally hit me that if he hadn’t been here for this moment, he was probably not going to be here for any others.
I’d known this for a few days now, but it was finally sinking in that he was gone. He was just fucking gone and there was nothing I could do about it. After all that work getting over the wall, the one person I wanted to share it with would probably never even find out that I’d actually done it.
Matt went flying over me next, then Jonathan, and even though it was official that I was now dead last out of our group, it didn’t even matter.
Nothing did. Is this heartbreak? Is this what it feels like when you suddenly realize that the person you’re pretty sure you’re in love with has really left you?
If so, then I now understood why it was such a thing.
In the past, heartbreak hadn’t made much sense to me.
Relationships and romantic entanglements ended.
Always. One way or another, the other person only belonged to you for a finite period, so why make such a big deal about it when your time with them ran out?
It didn’t seem so simple to me right now, though. Santiago and I had been doomed from the start. We’d both known it. Somehow, however, I’d managed to convince myself that it was fine and that it wouldn’t be so bad once it was over.
As pain leaked from my heart and infused my veins with the strangest agony I’d ever felt, I sniffled and pounded my fists into the ground. Yeah, this hurts, okay? It hurts so damn bad.
“Are you just going to lie there or are you going to finish the course?” an amused voice asked from my side. A familiar amused voice.
When I looked up, allowing hope to replace the pain, a tear slid down my cheek when I saw him standing over me. Those blue eyes were dancing with barely restrained laughter as he reached out and offered me his hand.
“But seriously, are you hurt or are you just having a moment?” he asked.
I groaned, shaking my head before I swiped away the tear and blinked away the others. “I was just having a moment, but you’ve ruined it. I guess I’ll just go finish the course now.”
“See you at the finish line,” he said, and it sounded like a promise. One I fully intended on forcing him to keep.