Chapter 4 #2
As it turned out, Dell himself knew Luca pretty well. Vouched for his trustworthiness, his family’s roots.
Even if he hadn’t checked in with Mae first, though—
Emerson would never try to explain this to Jay—maybe another tiny lie; Emerson had a hard time sometimes, figuring out the line of what exactly constituted a lie—but even if Dell or Liv hadn’t been able to vouch for Luca, Emerson just knew, walking his land with him last night.
Luca asked questions but never talked over him.
Seemed genuinely interested, but never tried to fit unnecessary words in the silences.
There was a…solidness about him, a solidness that made the back of Emerson’s neck heat, but that made him feel safe, too.
Maybe it made him a dumbass, but Emerson trusted him. Inherently.
In any case, Emerson wasn’t putting their daughter in danger. If there was even the barest sign of anything odd with Luca, he’d call the whole thing off. He’d fucked up a lot of things with Jay, he knew that, but he would never, ever put Daisy in peril.
“And he’ll be—” Jayden was now switching, at regular intervals, between crossing his arms and leaning his palms against the counter.
Jayden had always hated the not knowing of life.
Had never been able to handle the idea of not knowing if your seeds would bear fruit, not knowing what price you’d be able to get for your crops even when everything went right—all the uncertainty that came with farming.
The tip of the deep iceberg of their divorce.
And while all that worrying often frustrated Emerson over the years—please just trust me, please just trust this—now, he found the battle within Jayden’s mind, so clear to him, an almost physical presence he could see through his skin, so familiar and endearing that he had to fight the urge to slide off his stool, walk around the island, and hug him.
An urge he had to fight almost every time. Every weekend. Every dropoff and pickup. Every time their orbits came into contact again, however briefly.
“He’ll be living with you. In our house.”
Emerson didn’t even have to say anything. Jayden winced at himself, looking away. Not our house, anymore.
“I was going to put him in the spare bedroom.”
He felt almost silly after he said it. Of course Luca would stay in the spare bedroom; what other room was there?
But the spare bedroom was where Yulia and Graham, Jayden’s parents, always stayed when they visited the farm.
The people who still felt the most like parents to Emerson, even if he knew they were now his ex-in-laws.
He wasn’t entirely sure where they would stay now, when they came to visit.
If they ever came to visit again.
It wasn’t fair, he knew, the desire he had for Jayden to understand, to not be mad, to pass the message to Yulia and Graham for him. He’s been in a bit of a bind, really needs the help. Hopes you still visit sometimes, though—you will, right?
“Right.” Jayden blew out a breath. “What’s this guy’s name?”
“Luca Yaeger.”
Jayden was typing on his phone before Emerson had even finished Luca’s last name.
“There’s not a lot out there,” Emerson said. “According to Google. But trust me, he’s a good guy.”
Jayden kept typing, face blank. Until—
“Em. Is this Luca Yaeger?”
He shoved the phone across the space between them.
As soon as Emerson caught even a glimpse of the photo—Luca looking away from the camera, the cut of his jawline in perfect profile, tanned skin highlighted by a setting sun, his hair longer, curlier than how Emerson had seen it—Emerson felt his face heat.
“Yeah,” he said. “That’s him.”
“This is him. The most handsome man we’ve ever seen stumbled into you at a bar and is now going to be living in the guest bedroom.”
Pink crept up Jayden’s cheeks, more and more vivid as the seconds passed.
The way Jayden’s face looked when he was truly upset.
Emerson had known this new plan might be a hard sell to Jayden, but if anything he’d worried Jay would laugh, or look at Emerson in skeptical pity.
He didn’t think he would be truly angry.
And Emerson couldn’t exactly, precisely figure out why.
“Why does his handsomeness—wait.” Emerson frowned, reaching out a finger to scroll down the screen. “Are you…using this app now?”
Jayden snatched the phone back.
Which was good. Luca was to be his employee. Kind of. Emerson should not be looking at his dating profile.
Especially since Emerson was pretty sure this particular app didn’t specialize in dating.
“I haven’t…used it yet, technically.”
“Sorry.” Emerson flushed even deeper. “You can use those apps, obviously. None of my business.”
The phone rested between them. They stared at it, both of their faces overheated.
“It’s…scary. Thinking about using them. Even if there are, like, categories, there’s no…way to be sure. It’s scary, thinking about trying with someone who doesn’t know me like you.”
Emerson swallowed.
“I’m sorry, Jay.”
Jayden shook his head, cheeks pinker than ever, looking steadfastly away.
“No need to be sorry.” His next words came slow and quiet. “You can use them, too, you know.”
“Yeah.”
And for a long moment, Emerson was overtaken by a desire to open his mouth and spill it all. Like he used to.
Jayden’s transition wasn’t what had driven them apart.
If anything, it had brought them closer together, for a time, even amidst the stress of raising Daisy and starting a farm.
Jayden sharing this intimate, fascinating process with Emerson, this thing that made him more him, this thing…
that made Emerson re-evaluate his sexuality.
Or rather, fully, honestly evaluate his sexuality for maybe the first time in his life.
Working through all of that together had felt like being a newly-born animal, stumbling around a new world on shaky legs.
A world that felt surprising at first, but just as quickly felt right.
Like Emerson’s body had always inherently known it was there, just waiting for him to walk into the sunlight.
Even with the stumbling, all the trips and bruised knees, it had been the coolest, most vulnerable experience Emerson had ever lived through. Next to raising Daisy, which felt, really, the exact same way.
He hadn’t meant what he’d just said. None of my business.
He wanted all of it to be his business. He wanted to look through the apps together, wanted to screen the profiles Jayden was interested in, make sure they looked trustworthy enough.
He wanted to tell Jayden how it had felt, talking to a guy at a bar he was attracted to, a guy who wasn’t Jayden.
How it brought back those shaky-legged newborn feelings.
I thought, maybe, at times, he was flirting with me.
With me, Jay! What do I do with that?! He wanted Luca’s hotness to be something he and Jay bonded over, laughed and blushed about in solidarity instead of discomfort.
But they couldn’t. The tension in Jayden’s face made it clear.
Emerson stood, scratching an elbow.
“Anyway, I’ll keep you updated.”
Jayden breathed, slow and loud, from his nostrils. The I have more to say, but I’m letting it go exhale.
“Yeah. Yeah, of course.”
“Hey, Daisy.” Emerson stuck his head into the playroom. Tried to pretend his blood pressure was totally normal. “Time to go, okay?”
She blinked up at him, eyes already sleepy. “Hokayyy. Lemme get Moomoo.”
Once the beleaguered, oversized cow stuffy was acquired and stuffed under Emerson’s arm, Daisy’s backpack slung over his other shoulder, he stood in Jayden’s foyer, watching their daughter hug him.
“See you next week, Poppy,” she said, and Jayden rubbed her back, a firm, reassuring swirl against her spine.
Like he used to do for Emerson, too. Emerson could still feel it, a ghost underneath his shirt, anytime he watched Jayden hug Daisy.
“See you next week, Da-dee,” Jayden said to Emerson once he straightened again, a small smile forced onto his mouth.
A bit of a peace offering, maybe. But Emerson never truly knew, now, whether to trust Jayden’s smiles.
He used to know all of them, every variation of Jay’s face, every emotion hidden within.
But he increasingly didn’t know how to navigate them. He especially didn’t know today.
But this was always the hardest part of every dropoff and pickup, even when they weren’t preceded by a conversation that made Emerson’s confused heart strain inside his chest.
The goodbye. The smile. The not knowing.
“See you next week, Poppy,” Emerson said.
And then he turned and took Daisy’s hand. And as carefully as he could, he secured her and Moomoo in the back of Short King Farms’s white van, ready for another three-hour drive over the mountains to the place that was once her only home.