Chapter 23
twenty-three
Later, Emerson wouldn’t be able to remember what song he’d played.
All he remembered was the feeling of Luca in his arms, the strength of Luca’s back against Emerson’s palms, the scratch of his stubble against Emerson’s cheek.
“I missed you,” he breathed into Luca’s neck after a minute of quiet swaying, a minute of Luca’s muscles relaxing against his, of their bodies sinking into the comfort of the other again. There was so much to say, but that was what came out first.
Even if he knew, as the words were escaping his mouth, that it was an absurd thing to say.
It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours since they’d last seen each other.
But when you spent twelve of those hours wondering if somehow, while you weren’t looking, a person might have slipped out of your life forever, it stuck with you.
“The house was so quiet. I hated it. Where did you sleep?”
“At my parents’,” Luca mumbled. “In my childhood bedroom. It was a peak emo moment for me. I’m sorry.”
Emerson shook his head against Luca’s, smiling. “No. I’m glad you went there. I understand why you left.”
He was still trying to figure out what to say next, how to explain his dance with Jayden to Luca when Luca shifted his head, inched it a bit lower, and kissed the side of Emerson’s neck.
Emerson’s breath hitched. He almost felt embarrassed about it—such a small gesture, and his body couldn’t even handle itself.
But then Luca extended the kiss, dragging his open mouth, his tongue across Emerson’s skin, moving toward Emerson’s jaw until finally, their lips met, and Emerson remembered he was being honest now.
He would make all the embarrassing noises to show Luca how much he wanted him.
He would kiss him back like his heart was on fire. Because it was.
Because Luca had been jealous. Jealous enough that he’d run away to his childhood home, and that meant—
One of Luca’s hands moved from Emerson’s waist to grip the side of his face; Emerson fisted his hands in the back of Luca’s t-shirt.
The slide of Luca’s tongue against his own was slow, purposeful, consuming.
Like he was making a statement. It was a sensation Emerson felt himself drowning in, deep and wet and hot, like how it felt when they fucked.
But the more he sank into it, the more he started to lose himself, the more he knew he had to say the rest of it first.
With a shuddering breath, Emerson pulled his mouth away. “Sorry.” He rested his forehead against Luca’s cheek, gathering himself. “I just—let’s sit down, maybe.”
“Yeah.” Luca’s voice was rough, but it still sounded better—less angry—than it had before. Emerson wanted to crawl inside of it. Wanted to pet Luca’s anxieties like a cat until his brain purred with reassurance.
Reluctantly, Emerson stepped back, disentangling limbs. They settled shoulder to shoulder under one of the old barn’s windows.
“Before we do anything else, you deserve to know more about Jayden and me.” Emerson stared down at his clasped hands and willed himself to be brave, even if he knew honesty had the potential to re-activate Skittish Luca.
Or worse. “I know it probably seems like I’ve already talked about him a lot.
But he’s always going to be a part of my life, so if you want—”
What did Luca want? Emerson knew what he wanted. Everything. But if he didn’t want Luca to run away again, he should probably slow his roll.
“If you want anything more, with me, you need to know that. Not just because of Daisy, but because…Jay and I were there for each other for so many things.”
Emerson shook his head, feeling overwhelmed as he looked back at it all and tried to tie it to everything he was feeling now.
“I told you how I had learned to be quiet, those last few years living with my parents. But it was almost like I learned too well. When I first met Jay that year I tried college, I was basically feral. Could barely look at or talk to anyone. But somehow Jay saw me. He helped me figure out how to, like, be a person in the world. And the fact that he stuck with me, even after I dropped out—we figured out how to be adults together, you know? Our twenties were really good years. And then moving here, buying the farm. Having Daisy. Everything that came after.”
Emerson took a deep breath.
“I’m still trying to figure it all out in my head.
How I can still hold all that and everything I feel for you.
Because I feel…so much for you, Luca. But that’s what I want,” he whispered, before clearing his throat and firming his voice.
“To hold it all. Jay, and Daisy, and you. But I understand if that doesn’t feel fair to you, if it’s too much baggage, or whatever.
That…to be with me, you have to kind of take Daisy and Jay, too. ”
“And Sally,” Luca said after a moment, and Emerson’s stomach flipped. “And the chickens, and the goats.”
“Yeah.” Emerson cleared his throat again, fighting a smile. Trying to hold the hope at bay. It was easier to feel it, these days, but he still had to be sensible. “Them, too.”
Luca sighed, bringing up his knees, draping his arms loosely around them.
“I think part of the reason I went back to my old house last night was because I needed to talk to my mom.” A small, self-deprecating huff of air.
He picked at the seam of his jeans. “I was trying to put myself in your shoes. She talked about what she’d do if my dad ever died.
If she could love again, or whatever. That situation isn’t the same, exactly, but still. ”
Emerson nodded, heart thudding against his chest.
When Luca didn’t continue, he prompted, “What did she say?”
A shrug. “That everyone was different, basically. But that yeah, of course someone could love again. That there’s room in us for that.”
Emerson and Luca had both been facing the opposite wall. Emerson turned his head now to look at Luca. He was stunning in profile, as he was stunning in any angle. Emerson watched his jaw work, the rosy warmth of his ears.
“You know I already care about Daisy, Emerson. I’m not mad about Jayden being part of your life, or even…
the fact that you still love each other.
It’s just, at the end of the day, I’m still in my own shoes.
And I’ve only ever been part of kind of half-baked relationships before, and the way I feel about you—”
The slightest shake of his head. His arms had dropped to his sides; he dropped his gaze as his fingers crawled along the floorboards.
“I know you care about me. But I don’t want to be a consolation prize. I don’t want to be the afterthought dance the next day. Not that I didn’t—I really liked this, to be clear. But what I want most is for someone to truly choose me. For real.”
As soon as a beat of silence passed, signaling Luca was done, Emerson crawled over him, straddling his lap.
He thought Luca might be a little gun-shy after all that, but Luca welcomed him immediately, hands running up Emerson’s thighs.
Their bodies fit so easily together now.
Luca’s gaze, though, remained somewhere around Emerson’s stomach.
Emerson cupped his hands around Luca’s neck, stroking his thumbs against that strong jawbone.
Pacifying words jumped into his throat at once, a heartbeat away from escaping.
Of course I choose you, Luca. A month ago, I never would have been able to believe choosing you would have even been an option for me. You choosing me is the miracle here.
Instead he stayed quiet, processing, as Luca’s body slowly softened beneath him.
“Now that I know,” Emerson started, trying to choose each word with care, “I’ll work on it every day. Showing you how I choose you. Showing you how great you, and me, and this, already are. But Luca. I wanted to dance with you last night. But you weren’t there. I couldn’t find you.”
He lowered his forehead to Luca’s. Lifted his right thumb to Luca’s cheek.
“However you want me, Luca, I’m yours.”
It wasn’t that part of Emerson belonged to Jayden, and part of him now belonged to Luca.
He was still trying to figure it out, but he knew his heart wasn’t compartmentalized so easily as that.
It was more like all of him belonged to both of them, like he belonged to Daisy, too, like he belonged to this farm.
“But you have to let me in, too. You have to walk onto the dance floor.”
Luca released a shuddering breath. Emerson examined Luca’s eyelashes, so long against his cheeks, so close to Emerson’s face they almost didn’t look real.
“I know,” Luca conceded. “Look, I’m not actually that good at this. I know I just said what I wanted, but I’ve barely even seriously dated anyone before; I don’t—”
“Luca,” Emerson said. “I want to read your book.”
Luca jerked his head, finally looking Emerson in the eye. Emerson leaned back just enough to meet his gaze—dark and tense and unreadable.
Maybe Emerson was pushing too much, being too honest, too fast, but—
“I don’t want to be a consolation prize either,” he continued.
“I don’t want to be this situation you kind of fell into, something that feels good right now just because it’s not your family’s boats.
I want you. I want to know what goes on in here.
” He tapped Luca’s temple. “And I know a lot of what goes on in there is about your writing. You can tell me it’s too private.
I get needing to keep certain things to yourself, and that’s okay, too. But I’m telling you what I want, too.”
Luca swallowed. Whatever steely look he’d been holding started to waver. A long moment passed.
“What if it’s not good,” he rasped, more statement than question.
Emerson could only smile fondly at him, fingertips tracing the side of his face. The obvious, placating answer was once more right there. Of course it’s good, Luca. I already know it.