21. Jude
21
jude
“ I really fucked up,” I told Alex as we slowed to a walk on the dirt road.
“No kidding,” he agreed. “I’m not sure it will be easy to get out of this one.”
I rested my hands on my hips, pulling in cool breaths of air while I walked out my burning muscles. We were slowly adding jogging to my cardio sessions, and my knee was holding up better than anticipated.
“I told Mr. Venture I’d go ahead and announce my retirement,” I said through panting breaths, “but he said no, that I wasn’t getting out of it. I’m fighting and I’m being fined.”
I wiped the sweat from my eyes with the back of my hand.
“I figured as much,” Alex said. “Thanks to your trigger fist there, the organization is getting more publicity than they have in months. Reyes is digging it, too. You should see the shit he’s posting online. Do you want me to make a call to Jessica?”
I shook my head, disappointed in myself. I kept off social media just for that reason. I didn’t want to know what Reyes was spouting, and I didn’t want to get Jessica involved, either. She might be my ex, but as a publicist, she knew how to pull some strings to kill a story. We had ended things on fairly good terms, even though I was miserable at the time of our breakup—but that was mostly on me, not her. She would do it if I asked her to, but I really didn’t want to pull anyone else into this. It was my fuck up. I needed to fix it myself, even if I didn’t regret knocking out Junior. I’d do it again if it meant protecting Romy.
“Have you talked to Romy?” Alex asked.
I stalled in my steps, heading over to the split rail fence along the road. Alex followed, propping a foot up on the rail to lean into a hamstring stretch.
I shook my head. “I’m giving her space.”
It had been nearly a week since the Rooster. As soon as we got home, Lina helped Romy wash up and get to bed.
“You fucked up, cuz,” Lina said as she left that night.
I was well aware.
Thank goodness there was plenty to keep us busy on the ranch, and Coach and I were doing daily doubles. Eight weeks was not nearly enough time to prepare for this fight.
“She’s been helping lead trail rides with Lina, so she’s gone most of the day. I’m usually up helping Uncle Chuck before she wakes up. And she’s been eating meals up at the big house. Last night, she came in and just stopped to look at me. I didn’t even know what to say, so I just stared at her,” I told him.
Alex shook his head. “Well, that’s awkward. She’s probably waiting for you to say something. Most likely, she thinks you’re avoiding her.”
“Avoiding her?” I scoffed. “If I push too hard, she’ll retreat, she’ll leave. So I’m giving her time.”
“Is that what you’re afraid of?? Her leaving?”
Alex and I switched legs, leaning into the stretch. My hip flexors were tight. I needed to roll them out once we got back to the garage.
“That’s what she does. She leaves when shit gets hard.”
“Jude, she’s still here. From what you told me, she’s dealing with some pretty tough shit. She came back with you, and she’s still here.”
I shrugged. “It’s only a matter of time before she realizes I’m not worth it and decides to leave.”
Alex huffed a laugh. “Damn, Bull. Is that what you think? You’re not worth sticking around for? Wow, your mom did a number on you, didn’t she?”
“You sound like my therapist,” I quipped.
“Maybe you should pay me like I have a PhD in psychology, too,” he said with a sly smile. “Seriously though, man, you need to stop selling yourself short. You charge into things—fuck the risks—because you’ve always thought you weren’t good enough unless you’re winning.”
“Jesus, stop psychoanalyzing me,” I huffed.
He hit the nail on the head.
Alex’s smirk turned into a sympathetic smile that told me he felt for me, but we both knew he was right.
“Sometimes you have to lose to win,” he said matter-of-factly.
In the indoor arena, Lina jogged beside a filly. The gray horse, tacked only with a bridle and reins, cantered at her side, following her to a step stool. Clicking her tongue in encouragement, she called the horse to a stop beside her. She was a natural with horses. Just like her father. Maybe even more so.
She spotted me resting against the gate and leaned into the horse, giving it a generous pet before hopping from the stool.
“Have your ears been burning?” she asked, smiling, while she and the horse approached me.
“What?” Were my ears burning? Now they might be.
“Romy was just in here. We were talking about you.” She gave me a pointed look.
Ah, shit. I was still in the doghouse.
“All good things, I hope?” I joked, trying to lighten the load on my chest.
“No, we hate your guts.”
It was wishful thinking.
“You’re both pissed at me then?”
“Jude, you’re a fucking idiot.”
I groaned. “So I’ve been told.”
Lina’s lips tipped in a frown. “You’re not getting any younger, you’ve had three knee surgeries, and you’re going to fight again? For what? Prove some macho desire that you’re the best, fuck the circumstances?”
“Is that what Romy thinks?”
“That’s what we all think. Dad just believes you need to figure it out on your own. I’m wondering, though, how many times you have to put yourself in harm’s way before you learn enough is enough?”
I nod. “It’s all I know, Lina. It’s the only thing I’m good at.” And if I lose fighting, I don’t know who’d I be.
“That’s not true. I saw what you did with the ranch and that piece-of-shit tin can you turned into a home. I’ve seen the projects you’ve completed in your Vegas house.”
“With money that I earned from fighting,” I stated.
“Sure, but it all came from you—the designs, managing the projects, not just updating your place but also the stables. Dad showed me what you want to do with this,” she said, waving at the arena. “And I think it looks amazing. He just doesn’t like taking your money.” She huffed a laugh.
“It’s the least I can do to help pay back for all the years Uncle Chuck took care of me,” I mumbled, afraid to get too deep.
She shook her head. “We’re family, Jude. We don’t pay each other back for caring for each other. I love you, cuz, but you need to swallow your fucking pride and go talk to Romy. She thinks you’re leaving, abandoning the ranch when we need you the most. All to go put your body at risk in a cage. You hurt her when you didn’t tell her, and now she’s wondering if she can trust you. All she wants is for you to talk to her.”
Talk about a gut punch. I fucked up big time. While I’m afraid she’s going to run and leave me again, here I am basically doing the same to her. I needed to make this right.
“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I need your help.”