Amongst the Aspens

4. Jack

I’ve lost my damn mind. The second I heard Benji come and then watched him lick up the mess, something inside of me shattered just a little bit. My mask is slipping and I’m having trouble putting it back on. It’s so much harder hiding behind contempt when I can still hear the high pitch ‘uhhh’ sound that Benji makes when he comes.

That moan has been on replay in my mind, a constant loop I can’t seem to escape. That high pitch, almost feminine, cry has my brain going wild and my dick perpetually trying to fill out.

The lack of blood flow to my brain is the only explanation I can come up with for why I suddenly volunteered to spend the morning driving around with Benji.

“Do you still drive that clunker?” I ask when he offers to drive. I’ve seen his piece of shit car and there’s no way I’m spending the day playing passenger princess in it.

“My civic? It’s not a clunker, it’s a classic.” Benji smiles fondly like he’s sharing an inside joke with himself.

“That’s one word for it. I’ll drive and you can just come home with me after to get your car.”

“You’re really that opposed to driving around in my beat up civic?”

“I just prefer driving.” My tone comes out more clipped than I intended and I almost sigh in relief. Contempt and Benji have been intertwined for so long that it’s almost more comfortable than being civil.

“O-kay then.” I can see Benji clamming up, his shoulders pulling up a bit more towards his ears.

“I’ll swing by your place and then we can head to Jess’ office.”

“Sure, I live on the north side of town-”

“I know.” The words slip out and Benji immediately looks confused. I have zero plausible explanation for how and why I know where he lives. I’m honestly not sure how to play it off without Benji getting suspicious.

It’s not like I’ve stalked him or anything crazy; it’s just that Jessica mentioned in passing what street he was moving onto and I might have driven by once or twice. You know, just to make sure it was in a safe area because my sister goes over to his place a lot. The excuses I’ve used to cruise by Benji’s place once in a while sound weak in my own head and I can’t imagine Benji will buy them.

“You know?” Confusion is all over his features and Benji runs a hand through his messy curls, pushing them away from his forehead only to have them immediately flop back into place.

“Yeah, Jess uh got a flat tire at your place one time and I came by to help.” It’s weak but better than admitting to the truth.

“I thought she had Triple A?” Fuck, he’s not going to let this one go.

“I’m not sure, she just called me and asked me to put on her spare.”

Benji has the decency to let it go but he looks confused and there’s a weird almost mischievous look to his eyes that has me genuinely sweating.

I usher him downstairs and towards my black Jeep Wrangler and slip into the driver’s seat. Benji tries to swing himself up using the oh shit handle, but his feet slip out from under him as they slide against my rock rails. I reach out and grab his elbow, pulling him up in one quick motion.

My hand lingers and Benji gives me a small smile before muttering thanks. His cheeks are flushed and he looks nervous, like he’s not sure what will happen if we’re in a tightly enclosed space together. Shit, I’m not exactly sure what will happen either if we’re being honest.

Last night is still playing in my mind on repeat and as I sit there staring at Benji I hear his ‘uhhh’ in my head for the millionth time. He shifts uncomfortably and I finally snap to attention, realizing I’ve not only been leering at him in a predatory way but I’m still holding his arm. I release it like I’ve been burned and quickly turn to fiddle with the heat and the radio.

We swing by Benji’s place and a few minutes later he returns in some tight skinny jeans and a thick knitted sweater. It’s only mid-September but the weather is already taking a quick turn and the air has a definite chill that promises an early winter.

Every year the weather in Bend seems to change. We have years with no snow, much to the dismay of the locals and tourists who frequent our mountains, and we have years where the snow falls off and on from November through April. Last year, kids were doing Easter egg hunts in the snow. Central Oregon weather can be unpredictable and I’ve learned to carry layers.

We head over to Jessica’s apartment first and I notice that the reserved spot for her car is empty. I pull out my phone to try calling but there’s no answer.

“Should I even bother going upstairs or should we just go to her office?” Benji’s voice breaks the silence after a moment, his hand hovering on the door handle.

“Let’s just go to her office. I think Kristie would have called if Jess came home and her car wasn't here.”

The drive to Jessica’s office is short, though most commutes are because we live in a small mountain town, and when I pull into the parking lot a lump starts forming in my throat. Her usual parking spot is empty and I can see the light is off in her corner office.

Benji’s face is contorted with obvious concern and we both silently slip out of my Jeep. I’ve met the receptionist, Becky, a few times when I’ve swung by to take my sister to lunch and she gives me a curt nod before flashing Benji a megawatt smile. She immediately begins gushing to Benji about his latest real estate drone photos and he blushes as he nods his thanks.

Becky is really trying to turn on the charm, smiling and practically batting her stupid eyelashes at him. I try to swallow down a lump of jealousy but I’m feeling off balance and uncharacteristically possessive after last night. No one should hear the sound of Benji coming except me and I immediately turn on the cockblocking.

“Those photos totally are going to sell the place! The view of the sunset and Mt. Bachelor really is a million, or in this case, multi-million dollar view! Jessica definitely needs to start having you do drones for all of her-”

“Speaking of my sister, have you seen her today?” I practically growl the words and even Benji looks startled by my interruption.

“Uh, no? I figured she was just having a late morning.” Becky’s eyes flick between Benji and I and she gives him a confused half smile.

“We need to check her calendar to see if she has any appointments this morning. She hasn’t been answering our calls so Jack and I are starting to get a little worried.” Benji says, trying to excuse my gruff behavior.

“She definitely missed a meeting…the whole brokerage is supposed to upstairs right now. You can go peek at her office calendar but I can’t imagine she double booked herself this morning.” Becky shrugs and moves to unlock the office before returning to her desk.

Benji practically runs into the office and his eyes scan the large desk calendar. He looks up at me with a frown, his brows pinched.

“She has a meeting with a potential client directly after the staff meeting. There’s no way Jess would risk losing a new client. Something is wrong, Jack. I’m telling you she’s-”

“Benji.” I cut Benji off before he can say more. I don’t want nosey Becky hearing his ghost story and I definitely don’t want him saying anything that might sound incriminating later. Benji may be helplessly lost in unrequited love with my sister but he would never hurt her. The more time I’ve had to consider the more certain I am of that.

“Let’s go to the police station. We’ll let them know she hasn’t returned any of our calls and didn’t come home last night or to work this morning.”

I reach out and awkwardly grip Benji’s shoulder in an attempt at comfort but he visibly stiffens and I immediately let my hand drop. I’ve never casually touched him before. In fact, I’ve always made it a point not to touch Benji, so the touch has the opposite effect of what I had hoped.

“Should we tell them about Derek Sullivan?”

It’s been a long time since I heard my former best friend’s name and for a moment my heart clenches with a familiar sense of betrayal. Derek moved across the street from Jess and I when we were in fifth grade and we immediately clicked. For years, we did everything together. We had other friends that ran in our group but I was never close with them like I was with Derek.

“Fuck, yeah, I guess we should.”

I try to swallow down the lump in my throat. The reality of the situation is starting to really sink in and if something bad has happened to my sister then it was most likely Derek that hurt her. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Benji and I head out of the police station and march towards my car. The police took our complaint pretty seriously, all things considered. When Derek had stalked and repeatedly harassed my sister in high school the police had eventually gotten involved. A restraining order isn’t as helpful when you live next door to your stalker and much of Jess’s senior year was spent making sure all of the front facing curtains in our house were drawn. That entire year she had a routine of checking every window and door lock before going to bed. At one point, Ben was staying over nearly nightly because it made her feel safe.

After our missing person report is submitted, Benji puts together a missing poster to circulate through town and on social media.

“You know, if Jess turns out to be having a long romantic morning she’s going to kill you for posting that shit.”

“I know, but at this point her being pissed at me would be a relief.” Benji chews on his bottom lip, looking vulnerable and uncertain. “I know you don’t really believe me, but thanks for coming with me today. I think they took us more seriously than they would have taken me if I was alone.”

“She’s my sister, I’d do anything for her.” My tone is clipped and a wave of annoyance washes over me. “I know you’ve been in love with her for like fifteen years but-”

“What?” Benji cocks his head to the side and a look of genuine confusion flashes over his features. “I’m not in love with Jessica?”

“Look, you don’t have to pretend. I know you had that whole unrequited thing going on.”

“No, I really didn’t-”

“Jessica and I talked about it okay?” My frustration is quickly mounting. Benji is quiet but he’s usually a straight shooter and I’ve never known him to lie. I’m not sure why he’s bothering to deny his infatuation with my sister when we both know he’s hung on her every word since they were kids.

“What exactly did you talk about?” Benji shifts uncomfortably from one foot to the next, doing a strange antsy dance.

“I asked her why you were still single-” I cut myself off, realizing how weird that sounds. At the time, Jess and I had been drinking and the conversation didn’t seem that weird but admitting to it now feels like I’m showing my hand.

“Why would you ask that?”

“I was drunk. She said that you had this whole unrequited love thing going on and that you hardly dated because you’ve been hung up on someone for fifteen years.”

Benji stares at me for a moment, clearly debating what to say. He motions towards my Jeep and starts to take a step in that direction. I’m tired of dancing around his feelings for my sister and I’m not about to let this drop so I grab his forearm.

“So you assumed that I’m in love with my best friend?” Benji finally asks, confusion lacing his voice.

“Who else would you possibly be in love with for fifteen years? You hardly have any other friends.” I know I’m being a dick but it’s hard to be nice when he’s trying to lie to my face.

“I have friends.”

“Who else have you known for fifteen years, Benji? Why can’t you just be honest. I don’t care that you’re in love with my sister. I’ve known that since we were teens and you followed her around like a lost puppy. You practically lived in her bed for a while, god only knows why my parents allowed that but-”

“I’m gay, I thought you knew.” Benji’s voice is soft but a stubborn look crosses his features like he’s ready to defend his sexuality. “Your parents let me stay over a lot because my parents didn’t react very well when I came out.”

The words hang in the air and then bounce around in my head. High school is suddenly painted in a very different light and I think back to all of the times Benji slept over. At the time, I did think it was a bit strange my parents were so accepting when it came to a guy sleeping in Jess’s room but I assumed they thought Benji was in the friend zone. My parents were extremely liberal and accepting so I’m not surprised that they would take Ben under their wing.

My heart clenches a bit as an all too familiar grief washes over me. My parents died in a car crash three years ago and while I cope just fine most of the time, I still have moments where it feels like a fresh wound. Hearing stories about my parents brings up complicated feelings. I love hearing the happy memories people have but it also makes my heart ache knowing I won’t be making any new memories with them.

Benji clears his throat and I realize I’ve been silently stewing, not just about his confession but also lost for a moment in all the memories of my parents going out of their way to be kind.

“Is that going to be an issue?” Benji crosses his arms over his chest and shifts back like he’s prepared to go on the defense. The move makes me wonder just how bad his home life was after he came out.

“No, of course not.”

“Right. I assumed your family would have told you or that you would have pieced it together because honestly I think if you look up twink in the gay dictionary you’ll find a picture of me.”

“There’s a gay dictionary?”

“Yeah, standard issue after you suck your first-” Benji cuts off and blushes. “Sorry, Jess and I had a perverse sense of humor so I’m not used to censoring myself.”

“Wait, is Derek the unrequited love?”

“Ew. No, I’m not lusting after your sister’s ex-stalker. I have some standards.” Benji rolls his eyes and walks to my Jeep in a clear attempt to end the conversation.

I follow and use the fob to unlock my car, waiting to watch Benji practically throw himself up and into the Jeep before walking around. Watching him hoist himself into my lifted Jeep is becoming something of an obsession for me. Each time he does it I find myself a little more enamored and after last night that feels like a dangerous line to walk, especially now that I know Benji isn’t in love with my sister. The fact that’s gay makes sense in retrospect but it still has my head spinning. All of this time I’ve assumed he wasn’t interested in men and now that I know he is I can't seem to let it go.

“So, who is it then?”

“What is this, middle school? Why does it matter so much? It’s unrequited, it isn’t something that is ever going to happen so it’s honestly irrelevant.”

Benji clicks his seatbelt and fiddles with his phone, looking uncomfortable again. The whole day has felt like a mindfuck. First, there was my late night foray into voyeurism, then realizing my sister is actually missing, and now finding out that the man I’ve assumed was completely unattainable is maybe more of an option than I might have thought.

“Does he even know?”

“He hates me so it’s kind of irrelevant.”

“Jess made it sound like it was some grand love story and that you can’t date because you’re too busy pining for what will never be.”

“Honestly, I think when you and your sister had that conversation you were having two very different discussions.”

“What discussion was she having?”

“Jess was meddling and shouldn’t have mentioned anything at all. Can you please just drive me back to my car?”

“Yeah, of course.”

The drive back to my place feels long and I can feel my heart beating against my ribs the entire way because I’m starting to wonder…and hope… that maybe Jess was trying to tell me that Benji harbors secret feelings for me. Jess always laughed when I said Benji was in love with her but maybe she assumed that I knew he didn’t like women and thought I was messing around.

The possibilities are swirling in my mind and I find myself cringing at all of the years I spent being hostile towards Benji. At the time, his constant presence had felt like a curse. Like I was being forced to watch my dream man fall hopelessly in love with my sister. Now though… all of our interactions take on a different light.

When I pull into my reserved spot the Jeep is hardly stopped when Benji practically leaps out the door and immediately rushes over to his car.

“Hey, wait!” I call out to the sound of Benji’s door slamming closed. He speeds away and I’m left standing on the curb feeling a million emotions all at once. I wish I could call my sister and ask her all of the questions swirling through my mind.

The next few days slowly trickle by and I keep my phone ringer up just in case but a call from Jessica never comes. It’s beginning to sink in that my sister might be in real trouble and I’m completely helpless. Fliers have been distributed all around town and her pictures are making the rounds on social media but so far there haven’t been any sightings or leads to follow.

I’ve reached out to the police to check in but I’m consistently brushed off. Eventually, a clawing need to do something, to be helpful in some way wins over and I find myself standing on Benji’s front step working up the nerve to knock.

I haven’t talked to Benji or reached out since that day. Mostly, I wasn’t sure what to say and this doesn’t feel like the appropriate moment to deal with our personal issues. Jess has been gone for so long that I can’t live in plausible deniability anymore. Something truly terrible has happened to her. Fuck, maybe Benji did see her ghost and we’re actually just looking for a body at this point.

The thought of finding my beautiful sister, the woman who had a smile that could light up a room and the personality to carry on a conversation with just about anyone, decaying in a ditch somewhere is weighing heavily on my mind.

I force myself to knock but when the door opens, Benji’s appearance is shocking. Benji has always been well groomed and while he often dresses casual in skinny jeans and knit sweaters, he always looks put together. Not today it seems.

There are dark circles under his eyes and his hair clearly hasn’t been brushed or even washed in a few days. The ratty pajamas he’s wearing are clearly dirty, based on a big grease stain on his shirt. The man looks completely wrecked, like a physical personification of how I’ve been feeling for the last few days.

I’m hit with a wave of guilt because I should have fucking checked on him. Regardless of the fact that Benji isn’t in love with my sister, he still loved her and he’s been convinced that something terrible happened since that first night, whereas I’m just now coming to accept that he’s likely right.

“Benji.” I whisper his name and his lip trembles in response.

“I’m not really in a good headspace for visitors, Jack.” His voice sounds gravelly, maybe from a lack of sleep or dehydration.

“You look like a visitor is exactly what you need.”

Benji stares at me for a moment before finally rolling his eyes and relenting. He steps aside and I step into his small apartment. Benji lives in a small complex with only a few units all sharing one building. His space is small but tidy and I’m relieved to see he hasn’t let his living quarters fall into disarray.

“Have you heard something? Did they find Jess?” Benji looks exhausted as he leans against the wall in the hall, his shoulders rolled forward in defeat.

“No, still no updates. But I had a kind of stupid plan and I thought you might be willing to go along with it.”

“What kind of plan?”

“The kind that requires you to go shower and get dressed.”

Benji stares at me for a moment before nodding and slipping into his bedroom. I’ve never been inside his place before so I take a moment to glance around. Everything is tidy and it’s clear he isn’t a fan of nicknacks and trinkets because the decorations are scarce. There are no plants and the space feels a bit cold to me, almost like he’s living in a furnished short-term rental.

I perch on the edge of his couch and fiddle with my phone while I listen to the shower run and try not to think about Benji standing under the spray, water cascading down his naked body. I shift awkwardly, my dick rising to half mass at the slew of mental images that I’m having a hard time keeping at bay.

Now that I know Benji is gay and isn’t in love with my sister I’m having a hard time coming up with reasons not to shoot my shot. Years of being a dick to him complicate those plans though. I’m sure Benji only sees me as a surly bully and if I want to have any sort of opportunity to touch the man I’ve been dreaming of I’ll need to show him that I can be a decent, fun guy to be around. Admittedly, I am kind of surly by nature but I’m not always a dick. I can play nice if the situation really calls for it.

Benji steps out of his room looking a bit more put together now that he’s showered and changed but the circles under his eyes and his pale skin still give away the rough shape he’s in. My legs are carrying me over to him and before I can really process what I’m doing, I pull him against my chest in a tight hug. He’s small enough that his head is under my shoulders so his face is pressed against my hammering heart.

For a moment his body is completely tense against mine and I don’t blame him. We’ve never hugged, not even at my parents’ funeral. I briefly wonder if I’ve crossed a line but then he sags against me and lets out a ragged breath.

“You okay?” I ask when he finally pulls away to stare up at me with glassy green eyes that look like the color of moss in this light.

“No, I’m really not.”

“Honestly, me neither. Have you, uh, have you had another experience?”

“I honestly wish I had. It would be so much easier if I could see her again and she could point us in the right direction. Last time, with the uh- ghost in your parents’ house, I saw her repeatedly. I thought maybe I would eventually see Jess and she’d give me some type of clue.”

“Maybe it’s a good thing you haven’t seen her again? I don’t know, like maybe she’s somehow still out there?”

“I hope that’s why but I feel so helpless and there’s nothing I can do to help her. I just have to sit around and twiddle my thumbs while I wait for the police to do their job.” This is the most bitter I’ve ever seen Benji. He’s usually chipper, the kind of guy who can literally make people smile and laugh at a funeral. I learned that one firsthand when he single handedly made my parents funeral a celebration of life instead of just a sorrow-filled affair.

“That’s why I’m here. I have an idea on how we might try to get some leads.”

“Uh how?”

“We’re going to go talk to Derek Sullivan and find out what the fuck he did to my sister.”