Chapter Thirteen
RYAN
My eyes flutter, and I take a deep breath as I look at my surroundings.
A warm body pressed against me, an unfamiliar scene startles me for a brief moment, and then I look to see it’s Tillie and remember last night.
Her body moving with mine, the way we fit together—it was a beautiful harmony, and it was perfect.
But as she lies here in my arms, a sense of unease washes over me.
I like her.
It’s like all the emotions I feel for her have been amplified.
I haven’t been with someone I actually like since Katie. It’s only been mindless fucking, so I haven’t felt any guilt for it. So even though this with Tillie feels right, a part of my mind still perceives it as wrong.
My breathing quickens, and my heart pounds rapidly in my chest as a bead of sweat forms on my temple. I’m contemplating what the hell this means and what I’m supposed to do right now when Tillie shifts in my arms and looks up at me.
“Morning.” Her angelic voice and big doe eyes, unfortunately, do nothing to soothe my rising damn panic.
“Hey,” I say with a weak smile.
Her smile falters, and she scrunches her brows together. She raises her hand, caressing my face, and she looks me in the eyes. “You okay?”
Exhaling loudly, I follow that with a hard swallow. “Fine. Just gotta do some shit before I head into the studio today.”
She nods, her hand falling from my cheek. “Okay… so we’re going in together?”
I pull back from her, turning to get out of the bed. “No. I’d better go, but I’ll see you there.”
Tillie sits up, watching me, but says nothing while I get dressed. The fierceness of her glare is penetrating my back, so I turn to face her. The glare is even worse front-on. I wince. It’s not a hateful glare like I’d imagined. It’s worse than that. It is pain-filled.
“I’m sorry, but I gotta go. I did have a great time, though.”
Her eyes open wide as her nostrils flare. Shit! Now I’m making her angry.
Again, I’m fucking this up.
But my head is too foggy to try to fix this now.
I need some space.
Some time to think.
“I’ll see you there?” I ask.
She exhales with a simple nod. “Yeah.”
“Right.” Grabbing my keys off the nightstand, I turn, stepping out to her front door without looking back.
I pause at the door, torn between going back and laying it all out—telling her about Katie, about Maddie, and the twisted mess they left in my head.
Part of me wants to let Tillie see it all, to show her why I am so screwed up.
But instead, I take the coward’s way out, gripping the handle and stepping through the doorway like the spineless pussy I am.
Even I can feel the whiplash of my own indecision, torn between staying and running, between wanting her and fearing what that means.
***
Oliver has called a meeting this morning, so I’m here in the boardroom with Danger and Lunar, waiting on the others. I haven’t seen Tillie come in yet, but she’s probably avoiding me. I know I would be if I were her.
“So you didn’t come in last night,” Lunar says, wiggling her eyebrows.
I roll my eyes. “Your stalker tendencies astound me, Lunar.”
She giggles. “Hey, the house is so much quieter without you in it, so we know when you’re not there, Mr. Grumpy.”
“I’m not grumpy.”
“You’re a little grumpy, bro,” Danger says.
“I’m not fucking grumpy!”
“She didn’t put out even though you stayed over?” Danger asks.
My stomach flips, and for the first time in a long time, I want to sucker punch him. “Shut your face, prick.”
He puts his hands up in surrender and frowns. “Hey… was just kidding, Ry. What’s going on?”
Running my hand through my hair, I slam my forehead down on the table and groan.
“Ryan, dude… talk to us,” Danger coaxes.
“I slept with Tillie, all right?” I moan, and then a clearing throat echoes from the doorway.
As I raise my head, Tillie’s standing there red-faced next to Oliver, Matt, and Nate.
The room falls silent as I look at Tillie, who’s purposely avoiding eye contact.
My heart races so fast I’m worried it might burst right out of my chest when she straightens her posture, clears her throat, and walks into the room.
“I have some good news,” she says, completely ignoring my outburst as she makes her way to the table, sitting down next to Lunar, who smiles, and Tillie weakly returns the gesture, taking her seat and opening a folder.
Oliver, Matt, and Nate all file in behind her, taking their seats.
She pulls out a headshot image of Zaria and places it in the middle of the table, and everyone sits up a little taller at seeing the Hollywood A-lister.
I smile genuinely, knowing what’s coming.
“So for the release of “Take my Breath,” Zaria has agreed to come on board and be the starring lead in the music video. She needs to get back to us about when she can fit us into her tight schedule, so the release of the song might have to wait a bit, but I believe it will be beneficial to have her on board with us.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Nate calls out.
I screw my face up at him.
This was his idea.
Now he’s annoyed because what? We have to delay our release?
“Nate, seriously? She’s worth waiting for,” I say.
He shakes his head. “No, that’s not what I meant. I mean… are you kidding me? This is amazing!”
Matt laughs. “Fuck, yeah! Zaria Shafir, she’s so goddamn hot, guys. Tillie, you’re incredible!”
She smiles, and it’s the most beautiful smile in the world.
“I try.”
“While I have you guys. Unfiltered Tonight crew rang—”
“What?” Danger interrupts Oliver.
“Let me finish. They saw the shit that went down with Debt Money online, listened to your music, and they want you on the show for an interview and to do a one-song performance.”
We all look around at each other, smiling like Cheshire cats.
“Fucking yeah!” Lunar calls out, throwing her hands in the air, and we all break out into fits of laughter.
“But you will need to be on your best behavior… no swearing, no chewing gum…” He looks directly at me. “No farting!”
I laugh while watching Tillie smirk. “It was the kale smoothies,” I defend myself, and Danger laughs.
“Yeah, your body is cleansing all the shitty food from your gut.”
“My gut is looking better than ever at the moment, thank you.”
“Tillie should know,” Nate calls out.
We all look at him, and I glare while Tillie turns a bright shade of red. My fists clench at my sides, wanting desperately to smack him. She already feels shitty enough because of me this morning. She doesn’t need Nate embarrassing her about us too.
“Nate, bro, cool it, will you?” Matt chides.
Nate huffs and sits back in his chair as an awkward silence filters through the boardroom.
“So when’s Unfiltered Tonight?” Danger asks, breaking the tension.
“He wants you on tomorrow night. You’re filling in for a cancellation.”
“Awesome! This could be a good platform for us,” Nate says.
“It will be a great platform for you guys. So decide what song you want to play, make it a good one… you only get one shot to impress America.”
“Don’t worry, Oliver, we won’t waste this opportunity.
We’ve been waiting years for this,” Danger says, and I look at him and nod.
It’s taken a lot for us to get to this point, including the band breaking up, but it’s all been to get to this critical point.
This one performance could break us into the American market once and for all.
“Okay, well, you guys go and rehearse or something. Get out of here. I’m sick of your faces,” Oliver says, and we all chuckle as we stand.
“Tillie, stay back. I want to discuss something with you,” Oliver calls out.
I swallow hard, glancing at her, but she avoids my eye contact.
She sits back down as the rest of us walk out of the room.
I’m last out, so I shut the door and dawdle behind, watching the others as they march next to each other, not noticing I’m still by the door of the boardroom.
Once they turn down the hall, I quickly lean against the door.
“So, is it serious?” Oliver asks.
“I don’t know what you mean?” Tillie replies, feigning ignorance.
“You and Ryan.”
She’s quiet for a moment, and then I hear her voice come through like she’s having trouble holding it together. “No, not serious. To be honest, I don’t think he wants anything to do with me anymore.”
Oliver grumbles as my stomach twists.
That’s not true.
I’m just a bit confused.
“Are you okay with continuing to work with him?” Oliver asks.
“Yes. I mean… I think so. Just so long as he doesn’t go back to hating me.”
“Did you have a fight?”
My body slumps, and I run my fingers through my hair, feeling like an ass for this.
“No, honestly… I don’t know what happened.
We had a great time, and then he got… weird.
I think maybe he was using me like I was a trophy of some sort.
You know, get the girl, then ditch her. Maybe that was his plan all along…
make me start to fall for him, then hurt me, so I’ll leave. Maybe he never liked me at all.”
I shake my head, gritting my teeth so hard they squeal from the force. My temples throb from clenching my jaw shut so tightly.
“If that’s what he’s doing, then he’s a bigger douche than I thought. You’re a great catch, Tillie. If he can’t see that, it’s his loss. But by the same token, you two have to work together, and if this is going to disrupt the flow, we might have an issue.”
“I know. I love working with Recoil and you. This is the best job I’ve ever had, and to be honest, it’s not even like a job to me. I love it so much. But if push came to shove and I needed to, I would leave for the sake of the band. They’re what’s important, after all.”
“Thanks, Tillie. I know this sucks, and hopefully, it will never have to come to that. Let’s just see where Ryan’s head is at in the next couple of days and reassess.”
“O-okay…” Her voice is broken as if she’s lost all the fight in her.
I hate that I’ve done that to Tillie.
All because I’m lost in my own mind.