Chapter Twenty-Five
RYAN
“What the actual fuck, dude?” Danger asks as he comes in to take me home after a sleepless night in a hospital room.
“Don’t start. It’s self-preservation. I can’t be in a relationship again. I thought I could, but I just can’t do it.”
“That’s a copout, Ryan. I know seeing Tillie in an accident must have brought back some fucking shitty memories, but, dude, you love her, don’t you?”
I scoff, standing from the bed and gathering my stuff. “Haven’t you heard the saying ‘sometimes love just isn’t enough’?”
“Bullshit! Another fucking copout. Dude, when I thought I lost Lunar, that was the lowest moment for me. I know that’s how you feel now. You’ve come so far. I don’t want to watch you spiral again.”
“I’m not going to spiral. I am just going to move on. There’s a difference.”
“Fuck, man.”
“Danger, let’s just fucking go home. I’m sick of smelling like antiseptic.”
He slumps his shoulders and shakes his head. “Fine, just don’t be a fucker.”
Nothing else is said as we get into the car, and the ride home is the same. How could he possibly understand where I’m coming from? And comparing this to what he went through with Lunar is ludicrous.
Yesterday was too much.
Too real.
A permanent reminder that nothing is promised.
Losing Tillie would be my undoing.
I would spiral just like Danger is worried about.
This decision keeps everyone safe, right?
The slamming of a car door snaps me out of my thoughts. I was so lost in them that I didn’t even realize we were home.
As I walk through the front door, Lunar rushes up and practically jumps on me. Her arms wrap around me instinctively as her body slams into mine, giving me the biggest hug humanly possible.
I do love this chick.
“I’m glad you’re home,” she says warmly.
“Me too, hospitals suck.”
She pulls back and looks at me with an all-too-serious stare. “I’m always here… if you need anything, and I mean anything.”
“Thanks. I appreciate that. But for now, I’m just gonna go lie down for a bit.”
“Sure, of course, whatever you need.” She lets me go and steps back as I walk past her and up the stairs, heading for my room. The one I’ve been sharing with my…
… with Tillie.
Opening the door, I exhale. The bed sheets are still in disarray from our lovemaking yesterday morning before the accident, and I squeeze my eyebrows together at seeing all her stuff still here.
Taking a deep breath, I walk in and close the door behind me, then lean up against it, taking a moment to let it truly sink in.
Her stuff is here, but she isn’t.
And probably never will be again.
But it’s for the best.
I have to protect myself.
Sighing, I step away from the door, heading toward my bed, where I sit on the edge.
Something glistens against the ruffles of the pillow, and as I reach up for it, I notice it’s Tillie’s necklace.
Holding it up, I sigh and thread the little tree with aqua leaves on it through my fingers as I try to tell myself I’m doing the right thing by letting her go.
I just don’t know how things will go when I see her tomorrow.
I twist, slumping my back down on the bed, bring the necklace up to my chest, and close my eyes.
I can smell her.
She’s all around me.
And just for a moment, I want to pretend she’s here.
I want to remember what it was like having her with me.
Because I know that soon, her smell will be gone.
And all I’ll have left is the memory of her.
***
Danger’s driving us to the office, and to say I’m a little tense is an understatement. I don’t know how I’ll react to seeing Tillie, but I brought her necklace with me so I can give it to her. I know it’s her favorite, so she should have it.
We arrive and file into the building.
I need coffee to take the edge off, and it seems Danger and Lunar are with me on needing some caffeine, so we head straight for the kitchen.
When we approach, my arms tingle, and the hairs on my body stand up.
I furrow my brows, not really taking notice, but then we turn the corner, and as we walk into the kitchen, Tillie is there making coffee.
Everyone stops, and an awkward silence falls over the room as my heart leaps into my throat at seeing her.
She looks beautiful.
Her face is pale.
Her eyes are slightly puffy and redder than usual.
But even still, she’s breathtaking.
It makes my cock and chest ache equally hard.
Tillie clears her throat, grabs her mug, and turns to walk out.
“Tillie,” I call out, and she stops. Her eyes widen and brighten slightly as if she’s looking hopeful.
It makes my chest hurt even more. But I know I am doing the right thing.
I pull her necklace from my pocket and hand it back to her along with her cell.
She swallows hard, not saying anything, but takes them from me with a short dip of her chin and steps out.
“That was brutal,” Lunar says, walking out after Tillie.
Danger rubs the back of his neck. “You’re really ending it? For good?”
“I have to.”
He exhales, slapping my shoulder and shaking his head. “Okay… club. You, me, boys’ night, tonight? You good with that?”
“Fuck yeah.”