Chapter 19
I lay there, stunned, until a figure loomed over me; and I found myself staring up into a pair of startling blue eyes, not dissimilar to the colour of the cloudless sky beyond the gentleman’s head.
‘Do not move!’ commanded Mr Fitzroy, his dark hair tousled from the wild ride and his expression grave with concern.
I could not move even if I had wanted to—the air had been punched clean out of my lungs. All I could do was stare at him wide-eyed as I attempted to draw in ragged breaths, but it became easier to do so after a few minutes.
‘Can you speak?’ he asked.
I opened my mouth and uttered an ‘arrrrggh’.
He smiled. ‘Good, you have been winded a little, but you can make some noise at least. Now, forgive me, but I must ascertain if you have any injuries.’
Gently, he started prodding at my ankles and then moved slowly up my legs, asking ‘Does this hurt?’ at intervals, while I croaked out ‘no’ or ‘a little’, depending on the pressure of the prodding. Eventually, he felt around my midriff and proceeded to prod at the soft area underneath my breasts. I gasped as his hands then moved upward.
‘Mr Fitzroy!’ I wheezed.
‘I need to be sure you have not broken any ribs,’ he murmured, continuing his slow inspection.
‘I do not think my ribs are that high up!’ I exclaimed, suddenly regaining my powers of speech. I batted his hands away from my bosom, and he sat back on his heels and assisted me as I struggled to sit up.
‘Careful,’ he said.
‘Thank you, I believe I am all right.’ Indeed, I could breathe freely and wiggle my toes and fingers; and although my spine felt bruised, I would live—no thanks to George, who was calmly standing nearby as if nothing had happened. Mr Fitzroy’s big black horse had wandered over to join him, and the two were whickering together as if sharing a private joke.
‘You were lucky,’ Mr Fitzroy continued. ‘Your luggage seems to have cushioned the worst of the blow.’
‘My luggage?’
He reached behind and drew out my now-flat bundle of dresses, petticoats, and other accessories. It seemed to have slipped behind me as I was airborne and acted as a mattress when I came down. It was fortunate that I had not packed too lightly !
‘Do you want to tell me what you are doing here?’ he asked.
‘What I am doing?’ I echoed, ignoring his question. ‘What are you doing here? You are meant to be in London.’
‘As you can see, I am not. I received some harrowing news. I set off immediately, and I have been riding all night.’ He passed a hand over his tired stubbled face, and looking more closely at his rumpled appearance, I could believe it.
‘What news was so important?’
Mr Fitzroy grasped my hand. ‘That you are engaged to your cousin, of course! Tell me it is not true.’
I wondered how he had found out. Mr Humbleton, in his glee, must have mentioned it to the postmistress before he had left; and the word had spread like wildfire—to London no less!
I could not meet his eyes. ‘It is true. I ... I signed a contract. Papa negotiated the terms, and it was in my best interest to do so.’
To my surprise, Mr Fitzroy dropped my hand and swore loudly.
‘It was not in your best interest nor mine!’ he said angrily. ‘Forgive me, but I seem to recall quite clearly that I proposed to you , and you accepted me. And now I find out that you have accepted another man’s offer!’
His mouth pressed into a straight line, and his black brows drew together, and he looked altogether menacing. It annoyed me immensely. How dare he get so angry when he had done nothing but send me a banknote? And run off to propose to someone else!
‘Forgive me for saying so, sir, but you were not in your right mind that night. And the letter you left behind made it sound like you were berating yourself in the cold light of day for having proposed. Besides, what is it to you if I am engaged to him?’ I exclaimed, feeling unjustly accused when he was no longer on the market himself. ‘Are you not recently engaged to Lady Whiteley?’
Mr Fitzroy stared at me. ‘Lady Whiteley?’ he repeated, sounding confused.
‘Yes, you rode off to London forthwith after you had practised your drunken proposal to her upon me!’
He sighed and took up my hand again. ‘Felicity, I was drunk because I was terrified about proposing. The delivery did not go quite as planned. But I assure you, the intention was there, however slurred my speech and idiotic my behaviour may have been to make you believe otherwise. I rode to London in haste to consult with my lawyer to ensure that the matter between us was indeed legal. I did not want you to be compromised. He has assured me it is. But now with this contract you have signed with your cousin ...’ He ran his free hand through his hair and glowered at me .
It was my turn to be confused after hearing all this.
‘Mr Fitzroy, you are making little sense. Please speak plainly. So you are you saying you were not just practising on me for Lady Whiteley?’
He swore again. ‘No! Dammit, Felicity! I love you ! I have been half crazed with longing ever since we first met at the assembly. And then at the lake, I fell even harder, though I could not admit it to myself. At the ball, I tried to convey how I felt, and I thought when I came to call, I thought ... I hoped that it would make it very clear! I am besotted—’ He stopped, blushing profusely.
I stared at him, hardly daring to believe my ears. ‘You love me?’
He nodded. ‘Most ardently.’
My heart melted like butter on warm bread, and I squeezed his hand hard. ‘I love you too.’
Mr Fitzroy let out a sigh of relief and bent his forehead to my own. ‘Thank the Lord for that,’ he breathed.
‘And you are definitely not engaged to Lady Whiteley?’ I asked just to make sure.
His head shot up, and our eyes locked. ‘Indeed I am not! How could I ever be engaged to her when all I can think of is you?’
A strange feeling of utter despair and intense pleasure stole over me all at once—utter despair that I was now engaged to Mr Humbleton and intense pleasure that Mr Fitzroy loved me. But still, I could not let him off the hook that easily.
‘But at the assembly, you told Mr Pringle that you thought the Austens’ piglets were more attractive!’
Max threw back his head and laughed uproariously. ‘You heard that?’
‘Yes, Jane and I were outside getting some air. It was why I initially disliked you, ’ I said, wondering why he thought such an insulting statement was so funny.
‘Oh dear, I do apologise. I did not realise anyone else was listening. It was false, of course. I had to tell Evan that so he didn’t suspect anything. If he had known what I really thought ... Well, as you may have assessed by now, I am an extremely private person.’
‘So what did you really think, if I may ask? As my feelings were rather hurt by it.’
Max stared at me intently, his blue eyes seeming to bore into my soul. ‘Very well, if you wish to know. I thought that you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, and I could not take my eyes off you.’
‘Go on,’ I said. ‘What else?’
He swallowed. ‘Uh, when we met unexpectedly in Overton, I was elated. As I was desperate to spend more time with you, I jumped at the chance to offer you and your sister a ride home. The carriage ride was too short, and you seemed upset with me and we clashed again at the lake, and I was in agony about what to do until your letter of apology arrived. Then at the ball, I could hardly believe you agreed to dance with me. I was in heaven until Rosalind commandeered me for the rest of the evening, and I could not rid myself of her. I called at your house with the intention of courting you. But your cousin, I suspect, saw that and tried to put me off. And then the cake incident happened ...’
I giggled, and his full lips curved into a smile.
‘Yes, that was amusing. However, I was unsure of how to proceed if you really were to marry your cousin. Then when I saw you at Ashbury and you said you did not want to marry him, my feelings were such that I had to propose despite having no idea if you shared those feelings. Unfortunately, my “one stiff drink” for Dutch courage turned into several, plus a couple of bottles of wine ... I am so sorry, Felicity. Can you forgive me for making a hash of it?’
He looked so handsome and sorrowful that my heart melted all over again, and I forgave him completely, even though it ha d been an utter shambles.
‘Of course I forgive you,’ I said, inclining my head towards him. ‘ But perhaps you could kiss me now and stop talking?’
‘Gladly,’ Max said, looking relieved. ‘For I have been rattling on like a nonsensical fool.’
He gathered me into his arms and placed a soft kiss on my mouth, and I kissed him back; and soon, we were caught up in a flurry of tongues and passion, lost in each other, with no thought as to who might come past and see .
Eventually, the cold muddy water seeping through my dress became too uncomfortable to ignore, and the morning was getting on. But still, we did not move from our spot in the field; it was as if we did not want to break the spell (or, more likely, the heavenly kissing to end!).
‘You never answered my question. What are you doing here?’ he asked curiously as he gently caressed my cheekbone, and I twined my fingers through his hair.
‘Er, I was running away to London with your money to be a dressmaker.’ To be honest, I had forgotten about that plan as soon as Mr Fitzroy had confessed his love for me. However, I did still think it was the right thing to do under the circumstances.
‘Oh, how long do you think that would have lasted?’
‘I am not sure. I may have had to sell my body on the street.’
‘Any man who lays a finger on you can consider himself dead!’ he growled, shoulders stiffening and eyes flashing. I giggled.
‘Mr Fitzroy, I do believe you have a jealous streak.’
He kissed me hard on the mouth, and I squeaked.
‘I assure you my bark is worse than my bite, as you will find out if you still want to marry me. And please, do call me Max. I think with our newfound intimacy, we can drop the formalities.’
I chewed on my bottom lip, which indeed was feeling a bit bruised after his abundant kisses. ‘All right ... Max ... And yes, I do still want to marry you. But you are forgetting there is the small problem of my legally binding engagement to Mr Humbleton. He is on his way to Steventon as we speak to collect me for the wedding.’
Max got to his feet, raised an eyebrow at the ruined state of yet another pair of his trousers, and reached down his hand to help me up. ‘Then we should go and elucidate your cousin on our relationship once and for all. I am sure he will give up immediately once he hears that we love each other.’
‘I hope you are right,’ I said uneasily.
From what I had seen already, Mr Humbleton was not the sort of man to give up when he wanted something.
Max introduced me to his horse, who he said was called Apollo. I patted his neck, feeling a little afraid as he was huge. George was like a pony in comparison. No wonder Max had been able to travel so fast from London. But Apollo seemed to have a gentle nature and happily accepted one of the carrots that I had brought along for George and stood quietly crunching it.
George was not as well behaved, however, and led Max on a merry chase around the field until I yelled at him (George, not Max) to stop playing and get over here at once. Then he allowed Max to catch him and tether him to Apollo.
Max shook his head at me. ‘Your horse needs obedience training.’
I sighed. ‘I know, he is very naughty.’
‘Maybe I can help with that.’
I nodded and hid a smile, imagining Max attempting to school George and tearing his hair out in frustration.
‘Right up you get.’ He grasped me around the waist and lifted me up onto Apollo’s saddle with ease. I blinked, remembering how muscular his arms were at the lake. Those strong arms now encircled my body protectively; as he mounted, he settled himself behind me and took up the reins.
We set off at a reasonably paced trot back to Steventon with George pulling occasionally, unused to being tethered.
I did not say much, content to lie back against Max’s warm broad chest and listen to him humming a little ditty above my head (it was the same one he had been singing drunkenly in the field). But after a mile or so, my back started to ache, and the jarring motion of riding was not helping. I shifted slightly, attempting to get comfortable.
‘Are you sore?’ Max asked.
I nodded.
‘We will be there soon, and then you can rest.’
He kissed my temple and murmured an endearment. Tears sprang into my eyes as tender feelings flooded my chest. ‘No matter what happens, I love you,’ I blurted, unable to prevent the words from tumbling forth.
‘I love you too,’ Max said immediately. ‘But you need not worry. I am not going to lose you when we have just found each other.’
I took a deep breath, knowing that the subject was going to come up at some point, so it may as well be now before he found himself trapped. ‘There is something I have to say that may change your mind about marrying me.’
I felt the muscles in his arms tighten. ‘There is nothing you could say that will make me change my mind.’ But I detected an edge of wariness in his voice.
This might , I thought, steeling myself to say the words.
I took a deep breath. ‘Max, I’m sorry, but I don’t want children or even one child, to be honest.’
There was a long silence, which was punctuated by a snuffling noise from George .
‘Is there a reason why?’ Max asked eventually. To my relief, he did not sound offended, only curious.
Stiltedly, I relayed the sorry tale of my mother dying at my birth and my fear of the same thing happening to me.
‘Ah, I see. So you are not against the marriage act itself, but afraid of the consequences of it?’
I nodded.
‘For there is nothing to fear regarding the former, I assure you, and I would take care to be gentle the first time.’
I nodded again, blushing, but did not say anything. Little did he know that I was not as inexperienced as he assumed! But to all intents and purposes, I was still a virgin.
Max cleared his throat above me. ‘A-as for the other, there is s-something called a French letter. Men w-wear it on their you-know-whats, and it p-prevents b-b-babies.’
I could tell by the stuttering it took to get these words out that he was highly embarrassed to have this conversation. But I felt nothing but relief to talk about it.
‘You would do that for me?’
He shrugged. ‘Of course. I’m not sure I want children either. I don’t know if I would be a good father after not having had much to do with my own.’
I patted his thigh. ‘I am sure you would be,’ I said reassuringly. I had a sudden image of him lifting a child joyfully into the air and kissing them and felt bad that he would never get the chance to do so.
‘But it is your choice, Felicity,’ he continued. ‘I would never force motherhood upon you if you did not want it. But if you perhaps changed your mind ... in the future ... then we would discuss it, and I would seek the services of the best doctor and midwife in the country. I would do everything I could to make sure nothing happened to you.’
‘I know, but even then, you cannot control the outcome. I am sure Papa took great care of Mama, but she still died,’ I said. ‘But I appreciate the sentiment, and thank you for talking so openly about it.’
Max kissed the top of my head, and we fell into a comfortable silence until we reached Steventon, each thinking our own thoughts about how our shared future might play out with this new revelation.
I prayed fervently that my choosing to speak to him about my unconventional decision to remain childless would not come to divide us at a later point. But I knew—and I was sure Jane would agree with me on this—honesty was always the best policy in matters of the heart.