Chapter Sex Tip 1 No Phones in the Bedroom
Our bedroom is not the homeliest place on earth, but I don’t see the point in spending money on a room that we’re renting.
I’d rather save it for our actual home. The walls are a dull custard, and the carpet is a scratchy beige with unidentified splodges.
There is a pile of books on the chest of drawers, some geography-themed ones that I have bought for Josh over the years, but most are my astronomy books.
Our only attempt to make the space more inviting was by adding Herbert, the Peace Lily.
Unfortunately, Herbert is now dead. We probably should throw him out, but neither of us has the heart to.
The only artwork is a photo canvas of the London skyline that belongs to the landlord.
I did buy a world map in a frame for Josh a year ago.
It’s leaning on the wall, ready to be put up.
‘Do not, I repeat, do not beg your students. Do not be aggressive. If you want to motivate them, then you must praise them.’ @DrLabby’s thick-framed glasses are taking up most of the screen.
I don’t tend to follow many people on Instagram, but @DrLabby has proven to be very useful for teaching tips.
Below, the caption reads, ‘Top tips for motivating your students! #TeacherTips #TeacherGram #HighSchoolTeacher’.
I like and save the video and scroll down.
An advert for lube fills the screen. (I had investigated buying a teeny-tiny vibrator a month ago, and I’ve been stuck in a sex algorithm since.
I didn’t even buy the teeny-tiny vibrator.) The advert is a black and white photo of a woman holding down the wrists of a man in bed.
The caption reads, ‘Take Control of Your Pleasure.’ I look over at Josh, squinting at his phone with his tongue out.
Here it goes. I flip on my side to face him.
‘What’s up?’ he asks, flicking his eyes to me and then back at the screen.
‘I don’t think we should have phones in the bedroom anymore.’
‘How would we wake up?’
‘We can set an alarm on a clock like they used to do in the nineties. It’s healthier.’
‘Healthier?’ He scoffs. ‘This is healthy. Look at the muscles on his chest.’ He turns his phone to show a video of a humongous man flipping a tyre. ‘Tony and I are going to try and get a tyre for the gym.’
Tony is Josh’s gym buddy, who is partially responsible for Josh’s obsession with trying to look like an inflated human.
I can imagine Tony has a topknot, tattoos and wears tight tank tops.
He also must be the size of a silverback gorilla, because last November, he beat Josh at a squat challenge with over 100 more squats a day.
I had to count Josh’s squats every evening, which was painfully boring, so I was super happy when that challenge was over.
I move closer and put my hand on Josh’s bare, hairless chest. (He only wears boxers to bed. Tonight, he’s in his baby blue ones from a multipack that Linda bought him two Christmases ago.) ‘Your chest is so ripped,’ I flirt.
Josh laughs. ‘Hardly. I need to add four inches at least.’ He turns away and puts his phone on the bedside table, I get ready for him to turn back to me. ‘Night, Lab Rat.’ He takes hold of Skogsfr?ken and stays facing away. I turn off the light. Hmm.