Birthday Boy #2
‘How hot,’ Cara Helm says.
*
Pete and Cara Helm stayed for another 30 minutes, but then Pete asked Lace what her secret talent was, and Lace did the splits. Pete predictably made an inappropriate comment, and that was the final straw for Cara Helm. She was on her feet and out the door in a second, and Pete ran off after her.
Now it’s just the three of us sitting at the bar with Lace in the middle. Lace and I decided to split a bottle of Merlot, which Josh was reluctant to order.
‘You don’t like red wine,’ he said.
‘I do, babe, I just don’t like that cheap stuff we used to drink at university,’ I said.
He frowned when I called him babe, and to be fair, it felt strange the moment it left my mouth.
Still, Josh got the red wine in, and now I’m feeling it.
I told Lace the story of our engagement, and she seemed very confused about why Josh did it in a cable car.
Josh told her because he ‘thought it would be cool to do it whilst floating up in the air’. This confused Lace further.
‘So do you have a partner?’ Josh asks Lace.
Lace doesn’t hear the question. ‘Hey, let’s play. What do you find sexy about each other?’
‘Lace . . .’ I say. I know what she’s trying to do, but I wish she wouldn’t.
‘What? I’m curious to know. Come on, Josh.’
Josh looks at her dumbfounded. ‘What, like . . .’
‘It’s not hard. What do you find sexy about Amy?’
‘I . . .’ He stares at his pint of sparkling water as if counting the bubbles. ‘Well, she’s clever. She’s a great teacher. She is good at pub quizzes, and . . .’
Lace interrupts. ‘That’s not sexy stuff. I mean, do you like her fruity lips, her curves . . . her bum . . . her soft skin.’
Josh takes a gulp and fidgets in his chair.
‘Yeah, all those things,’ he says, then grins at me like a boy at school. ‘And she’s a Lab Rat.’
‘Lab Rat?’ Lace says. ‘What do you mean she’s a Lab Rat?’
‘It’s a silly nickname he has for me,’ I say.
Lace looks disgusted.
‘Lab Rat?’ she repeats. Josh shrugs again. She leans into my ear and whispers, ‘No wonder you’re not having sex.’
I burst out laughing.
‘What did she say?’ Josh asks, sensing he is the butt of the joke.
‘She said nothing. It was nothing,’ I say. I still can’t help smiling. He frowns.
‘Why are you laughing at me?’
‘I’m not. Sorry.’ I drop the smile. I could feel I was in hot water with Josh, which is a very rare place to be.
‘What did she say?’ he asks again. I wish he would drop it. I want to show Lace what a great couple we are, so she can understand why we’re getting married.
‘Nothing!’ I say and give his thigh a good rub. ‘I promise.’ We share a half-second smile, and then he downs his water.
‘I’m going to go. Big workout tomorrow.’ He gets up.
‘Come on!’ I say, holding on to his arm. ‘It’s only 9:45, the night is still young.’
He frowns at my hand gripping on to his bicep and shakes me off.
‘When have you ever cared about the night being young?’
‘It’s your birthday . . .’
‘I know it’s my birthday, and I want to go home.
Why don’t you come too?’ I can see he wants me to, but it feels so lame (even for us) to end the night before 10.
It used to be Josh who would drag me out to bars and make me stay longer than I wanted to.
I would protest, but he kept me out. He was always good for me like that.
‘Why don’t you give the gym a miss tomorrow?’
‘No, Amy. I’m on my Body Blitz before our wedding.’ He emphasises our wedding, as if he’s doing me a favour by tearing his muscle groups so he can look chiselled for our wedding photos.
‘That’s right,’ I mumble.
‘So, are you coming?’
‘Um . . .’ I glance at Lace, swirling her wine, like she’s not listening to every word.
I look back at Josh, who is impatiently standing with his hands on his waist, his shirt stretching over his chest. I am meant to be seducing him tonight, but I can’t see it happening when he’s in this mood, and honestly, I’d rather have a good time with Lace than lie in bed feeling rejected again. ‘I may stay, if that’s okay?’
‘Yeah, fine,’ Josh says, raising his eyebrows. It’s clearly not fine.
‘You sure?’
‘Of course, Lab . . .’ He stops himself and then turns to Lace. ‘Nice to finally meet you, Lace.’
‘I’ll look after her, don’t worry,’ Lace says.
He gives me a loose hug and leaves.
*
The bell for last orders went a while ago and Lace and I are on the same bar stools finishing the red wine.
I am offloading everything. I tell her about my dilemma of being happy for Josh getting the promotion, yet resentful because I believe he doesn’t deserve it.
I feel bad for saying it out loud, but Lace doesn’t seem to be judging me.
It’s like having a therapist. I also tell her about Year 10 doing the contraception pill for the science contest. She is very excited about this.
‘One tampon literally hit one of my pupils in the head,’ I brag.
‘How hilarious. You sound like a fabulous teacher,’ Lace says.
‘I may get fired, though.’ I smile as if this gives me a high, but I’m being kept awake at night by the fear that it’s all going to backfire.
This fear wasn’t helped by Josh, who asked if I had ‘lost my mind’ when I told him what I had done.
I didn’t think he would understand, considering he never makes his job difficult for himself, but a little support would have been nice. Lace slams her little hand on the bar.
‘I say tell that Dr Therone to go swim with the jellyfish. You need to teach somewhere else, far away from your fiancé. This world is too small as it is. You guys need to have space away from each other. You need mystery, different stories – different people in your lives.’
‘Well, there is this head of science job in Ealing . . .’
‘Do it!’
‘It’s not that easy.’
She slaps her hand on my thigh. ‘Amy Elman, you are a free young bird. One day, you will have a family and lose your freedom.’ She clicks in my face.
‘Just like that.’ She drifts off, staring into mid-air with the saddest look on her face.
When I ask if she’s okay, she gets up. ‘I’m going to the little women’s room.
When I’m back, you better have sent that job application off. ’
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
‘Send it off.’ She disappears.
And just like that, I go on my phone, to my emails and reopen the drafts folder.
I look over the application form for any typos, and before I can think my way out of it, I press send.
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. When Lace appears again, I wave my phone in the air pretending that I’m not freaking out by what I’ve just done. She throws her arms around my neck.
‘I’m so proud of you, Amy Elman,’ she says, pecking my cheek with her soft lips.
‘MWAH!’ She sits on the stool and pulls her short black dress down an inch.
She’s wearing sheer tights like those women in black-and-white detective films. I wish I could pull off that look, but my legs resemble mince stuffed into sausage casing whenever I wear tights like those.
‘I can’t believe he calls you Lab Rat. That makes me so sad,’ Lace says.
‘It’s meant to be sweet. Your boyfriends must have given you nicknames.’ Her eyes flicker down at the floor, and I see her disappear into her head for a second. ‘Why did you look so sad when I said that?’
‘I didn’t look sad,’ she insists.
‘Yes, you did. Come on, tell me. I’ve been talking about myself all night.’
‘Amy Elman, I like talking about you.’
‘But what about you?’ I poke my finger just below her shoulder, a bit above her heart. She tips her head back in a laugh.
‘Your life is far more interesting,’ she says with a slight slur in her voice.
‘Ha!’
‘Don’t laugh.’
‘I’m just a Lab Rat,’ I say.
She stops smiling and leans into me so there is only a slither of space between our faces. She seems very serious all of a sudden.
‘Don’t call yourself that,’ she says.
‘Ha!’
‘Stop laughing.’
‘Sorry.’
We’re sharing the same air now, and I watch her eyes flicker as she searches my face for something.
Her rose scent drowns me. Hypnotised, I don’t realise my body is falling forward and closing the gap between us.
I feel the texture of her soft, full lips.
My whole body comes alive for a moment, and then I realise what I’m doing. I pull away and cover my mouth.
‘Shit, sorry,’ I say. ‘Sorry,’ I say again. Lace is giggling.
‘Amy Elman, you need sex,’ she says. She doesn’t seem bothered in the slightest. I shouldn’t be surprised. People must accidentally kiss her all the time.