Chapter Twenty-Two Sadie
Chapter Twenty-Two Sadie
I couldn’t sleep that night.
Jonah, bless him, let me pretend I was asleep, although given he spent the night spooning me, he had to know I hadn’t done more than uneasily doze.
This was something I needed to work through on my own.
I’d finally showed him Chess’s letter yesterday, sitting on his lap out on the balcony.
I’d thought he might be angry, or maybe even protective – I could never imagine a life without you, Sadie, I’d imagined him saying, when he read the part where Chess said she needed to redesign her life without me in it – but instead, his brows had just furrowed behind his glasses.
‘What did she say when you called her?’ was all he’d asked.
‘I didn’t speak to her,’ I said, tugging his glasses down his nose a little so I could press my lips to those two lines between his eyebrows.
‘A man picked up. Some friend of hers. He sounded familiar – I must have met him at one of the Sydney Law Society functions she dragged me to. He said he’d tell her that I needed her and that she’d be here tomorrow morning.
’
Then, Jonah didn’t ask, do you think she’ll actually come?
and in that moment, I loved him more than I ever had.
The last thing I needed was for someone to put that thought into the universe when it was already taking up so much space in my head.
Jonah was fully dressed when he brought my coffee down to me in the garden that morning, tweed blazer under his winter overcoat.
‘I thought I might go around to Fi’s and help her get the kids off to school,’ he said, stroking some hair behind my ear.
‘Maybe sit her down and tell her about the work situation. Explain that no matter what happens, I’m not going anywhere.
’
I nodded, wrapping my fingers around my coffee mug.
‘That sounds like a good idea.’
‘But if you need me…’
‘Then you’ll be right around the corner,’ I finished.
‘I know, Jonah. I know that if I need you, you’ll come.
’
He kissed my temple tenderly.
‘Always.’
He was gone by the time I went back upstairs, but he’d left breakfast for me – a jar of overnight oats in the fridge.
There was a Post-it stuck to it.
I know no ways to mince it in love, but directly to say I love you , he’d written.
Henry V 5.
2.
Also me.
xx
I looked at the note for a long moment, then I folded it up and slipped it in my bra.
I had to do this by myself, but I wanted his words against my skin just in case.
Because if Chess didn’t come…
I started pacing.
I’d imagined three separate knocks on the door by the time the real one came, four quick raps that sent me jumping out of my skin.
I’d changed my outfit twice and put my hair up, taken it down and put it up again, but I was second-guessing everything as I raced to the door.
What if having my hair up made Chess think this was just a business meeting?
What if I was taking too long to answer the door and she left?
What if it wasn’t even her and she’d sent the lawyer friend who’d answered the phone to help me instead?
She’d said that I could call her, not that she’d come .
‘Hi, Sadie,’ Chess said, when I opened the door.
She looked…
exhausted.
Drained, the way Fiona did sometimes when the kids were really putting her through it.
There were dark circles under her eyes that I hadn’t seen since her early days climbing the legal ladder.
Her hair was pulled back so severely it was tugging at her skin.
I wanted so badly to hug her.
I wanted to put my arms around her and not let go, the way I used to when I was a little girl.
I wanted her to laugh and hug me back, and say, oh, sweetie, it’s so good to see you .
But she didn’t move.
And so neither could I.
‘You must have had an awful flight,’ I blurted out.
‘It’s so early.
’ She had no luggage, I realised.
Just her handbag.
She wasn’t planning to stay.
I balled my fist, resisting the urge to rub my hand over the ache in my chest.
‘Come in.’
‘Thank you.’
So polite.
So formal.
So un-Chess.
I bit my lip hard as I closed the door behind her, trying desperately not to cry.
At least she was here .
That was something.
That was a start.
‘Cup of tea?’ I asked her.
‘Or coffee?’
‘Coffee would be great. Thanks.’
‘I’ll warn you, Jonah usually makes the coffee,’ I said, going on tiptoes to get the beans down from the cupboard.
‘We bought this new machine about a month ago and I’m not entirely sure how to use it yet.
Sorry if I fuck it up.
’
‘That’s all right.
’ Chess was looking out the window.
‘Your view is beautiful.’
‘I know, right? Imagine how much this kind of view over the water would cost in Sydney. Although this place should really be costing us a lot more than it does, given how shit the Hobart rental market is. Our landlord is way too nice to us. I told you about him in my letters, right? Isamu? The winemaker from Bibliophile?’
She didn’t say anything.
‘You did…’ I hesitated.
‘You did read my letters, didn’t you?
’
‘Of course I read your letters, swee— Sadie.’
The brutal way she cut herself off from saying sweetie was like a knife between my ribs.
Chess set her handbag down.
‘What do you need?’
Just that.
What do you need?
, like I was one of her clients, about to be billed in six-minute increments.
‘Um, well, I was really hoping you could help us with some legal advice,’ I said.
‘There’s this whole situation at work, and…
no.
’
I closed my eyes for a second.
It was a cold, clear morning, but it felt like that night in the garden with Jonah, when he’d told me he loved me and two pathways had snaked away into the night from me as I stood frozen, caught between grief and joy in equal measure.
‘I need a lot of things,’ I said.
‘But the most important one… I need to know why, Chess. I need to know why you – why you abandoned me.’
I opened my eyes again.
She was staring at me, a stricken, almost horrified look in her eyes.
‘ Abandoned you?’ she said at last.
‘I said some awful things to you,’ I said.
‘I know I did. And I totally understand that you needed some space. I’d need some space too, under the circumstances.
But all I wanted to do was make it right, and you were gone.
I needed you and you were gone .
’
I hated the way my voice sounded, high-pitched on the last word, the petulant cry of a child, the child I’d been so insistent I wasn’t.
If Chess had noticed, though, she didn’t say anything.
She was still staring at me, as if I’d spoken in some other language and she needed to translate it in her mind before she responded.
‘Then why didn’t you call?
’ she asked.
‘What?!’
I had to clutch at the edge of the kitchen bench to keep myself tethered to reality.
‘Are you seriously asking why I didn’t call you ?
’ I demanded.
‘I tried! So hard! I called constantly those first few weeks! And then I tried to give you space, because that’s what you asked for, but…
I wrote you all those letters!
’
‘And I wrote back,’ she said.
‘I know it took me a while to be ready, but I wrote back and I told you, if you needed me, you could call.’
‘That is not what you fucking said!’
The coffee machine started making an ominous whirring, grinding sound, but I ignored it.
‘You said that you needed to work out what your life looked like without me in it!’ I exclaimed.
‘You basically said, ugh, fine, call me if you need bail money !’
‘Sadie, no!’
Chess crossed the kitchen in two steps and put her hands on my shoulders.
‘No,’ she repeated, looking into my eyes.
‘That is not what I said at all.’
I pressed my tongue hard to the roof of my mouth.
I was so, so close to crying.
‘I said I needed to work out what my life looked like when it didn’t revolve entirely around you, not that I wanted a life without you in it,’ she said.
‘Everything in my life has been about you for so long, Sadie. Ever since we were kids, it’s been baked into me, bone deep.
Look after your sister.
Protect your sister.
Everything’ll be all right if you can just make sure your sister’s okay.
’
Her fingers were digging into my shoulders, almost painfully hard.
‘But those things you said to me were absolutely right,’ she went on.
‘It was a kick in the guts, but you were right. I’ve been so focused on looking after you that I’ve spent all these years treating you like a child, when you’re…
God, you’re so much more of a functional adult than I am.
’
‘No, I’m not.
’ I sniffed.
‘You’ve got a whole life here,’ she said.
‘I could see it in your letters. You’ve built this whole world for yourself, a whole, happy, complete life, and…
and I think I was stopping you from doing that before.
My world revolved around you, so I made yours revolve around me.
’
A tear slipped down her cheek.
‘The last thing I wanted was space from you, but after you went through with the wedding, I realised that was what you needed. I needed to give you a chance to live your own life. To be the grown woman that you are, without me forever treating you like a child. To work out what you really want, without me interfering. Because I loved you so much it was smothering you.’
‘Chessie, no,’ I whispered.
‘ No .’
She let go of my shoulder with one hand so she could wipe her tears away.
‘I… It took me a lot to write that letter,’ she said quietly.
‘I thought – well, I’m still a mess, but I could see from your letters that you were flourishing.
You kept saying that you missed me but I thought…
I thought maybe it was habit, or guilt, or something.
So I wrote…
well…
if there was still room for me – still a place for me – if you still needed me in your life, still actually really, truly needed me…
’
‘No. No, no, no, Chessie.’
‘And then you didn’t call.
’ Her voice cracked.
‘You stopped sending me letters—’
‘I didn’t think you wanted them anymore!
’
‘—and then your birthday… God, I had so many plans for your birthday. I wanted to see you so badly, but you hadn’t written and you hadn’t called, and I—’ She swiped her wrist across her eyes.
‘I completely chickened out. All I could make myself do was send you that wine and hope that even though I wasn’t brave enough to call you, you might call me, even just to tell me that you got it, but—’
I flung my arms around her, as tight as I could.
‘Chess, I’m so sorry,’ I gasped into her hair.
‘I thought… I thought… I’ve got a fucking PhD in English and I read everything all wrong!
’
She didn’t reply.
She was too busy crying, her face pressed into my shoulder, and the joy of her being here and the grief of the past few months were all mixed together, and it was absolutely, deeply, profoundly eucatastrophic.
A little while later, we sat on the couch with the cups of coffee I had eventually got round to making.
She was drinking out of one of Jonah’s mugs.
The sight of it in her hands made me feel something I couldn’t quite explain.
There were a lot of things I couldn’t quite explain, if I was being honest.
There were so many things I wanted to say that it was hard to know where to start.
Chess met my eyes and smiled, a little awkwardly.
Clearly I wasn’t the only one.
‘So,’ I said, sipping my coffee, ‘um… how’ve you been?
’
The awkward smile turned into an awkward chuckle.
‘Did the bursting into tears before not give it away, or…?’
‘Well, I thought I should probably check,’ I said, ‘given I seem to have recently become very bad at reading.’
Chess sighed, setting her coffee cup down.
‘No, Sadie. No. I don’t want you to think you’ve done anything wrong.
I fucked up, not you.
This is all my fault.
’
‘Forgive me if I’m wrong,’ I said, ‘but I don’t think it was you who came to me and said, surprise, I’m marrying my nemesis tomorrow, you must be cool with it or else .
’
‘I’m the one who immediately tried to steamroller over you without listening, though.
I’m the one who didn’t even turn up to your wedding.
I’m the one who—’
‘Chess, we’re both adults, okay?
Please let me take some of the blame.
’
She exhaled audibly.
‘One of us is an adult,’ she said, ‘but I don’t think it’s me.
’
‘Then listen to me.’ I put my coffee cup down too.
‘Let me be the big sister for a minute. Listen to me.’
She closed her eyes and bit her lip.
‘I need you, Chessie,’ I said.
‘I’m always going to need you.
That’s never, ever going to change.
’
Tears started to bead on her lashes again.
She blinked them away.
‘There’s no version of my life without you in it,’ I said.
‘I am who I am because of you. You raised me. You made me. You shouldn’t have had to – fuck knows no one else wanted to – but you did, and I’ll never stop being grateful to you.
’
‘I didn’t know how to stop doing it, though,’ she said.
‘I still don’t know how to stop.
I don’t know how to…
it’s been months, and I still don’t know how to live my life without putting you right at the centre of it, Sadie.
Every time I think I’m making progress…
’ She shook her head.
I reached over and took her hand.
‘How about we figure it out together, then?’
Chess paused for a few moments, and then she nodded.
I tugged at her fingers and pulled her into me, putting my arm around her so that her head rested on my shoulder, the way she always used to do for me when we were kids.
‘I’ve missed you so much,’ I whispered.
‘Going all these months without talking to you – it’s been so awful.
’
‘You’ve done all right without me.
’
She gestured at the three things hanging on the wall – mine and Jonah’s doctorates, separated by our wedding photo.
‘It’s real now, isn’t it?
You and him?
’
‘Yes,’ I replied.
‘It wasn’t, when that photo was taken, but it is now.
’
Even as the words were coming out of my mouth, I knew they weren’t quite the truth.
I might have been too proud and too stubborn and too stupid to admit it, but something between Jonah and me had been real ever since I’d turned up at his bedroom door and asked him if he wanted to marry me.
‘I need Jonah too,’ I said, resting my cheek against Chess’s hair.
‘Not the same way I need you, but I’ve needed him for a long time, even if I didn’t really know it.
I think…
I think that was why I was so scared to tell you we were getting married.
I knew you hated him – and I knew you’d talk me out of it, if I gave you enough time to do it – but something in me knew I needed him.
’
‘I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me that.
Like I wouldn’t listen to you.
’
‘That part really isn’t your fault.
I didn’t even know it myself.
’
I let out a long breath.
‘Jonah and I have always been on a level playing field,’ I said.
‘It’s…
different, the way I need him.
The way I’ve always needed him: to keep me sharp, to challenge me, to push me when I need to be pushed.
He made me too, in his own way, over the years, for better or worse, and now…
now he’s made me really happy.
He’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long, long time.
’
Gently, I pushed Chess away from me, so we were both sitting upright again and I could look her in the eye.
‘But none of this,’ I said firmly, ‘changes a single thing about how much I need you, Chessie. How much I love you.’
I took both her shaking hands in mine.
‘You will always be the first best thing that ever happened to me,’ I told her.
‘I will always love you to the end of the universe and back again. And yes, I’m an adult now, with a job and a husband and a whole full life, but that doesn’t mean I have no place for you in it.
I’m an adult who knows what she wants – and what I want is my sister back.
’
There was a long pause before Chess spoke.
‘Did you…’ She swallowed.
‘Did you really believe that I’d cut you out of my life?
Just like that?
’
‘Yes,’ I replied.
‘Turns out all that therapy you helped pay for is yet to fix my abandonment issues. We should really lodge a complaint.’
The sound she let out was short and sharp, but it was recognisably a laugh, and the knot inside my belly loosened, just a little.
‘I think I need to spend some serious time of my own in therapy now,’ she said.
‘I just… I can’t describe what happened to me, Sadie.
It’s like I’ve been frozen.
I got it stuck in my head that I had to stay away from you, that I needed to let you go, to give you space, that it was for your own good.
I knew after that day at the airport you’d keep calling and texting, and I knew eventually I’d give in, and this panicked voice in my head was shrieking that that would be bad for you, because then I’d just smother you again – so I told work I was taking leave, got all my mail redirected, and I just…
left.
’
She folded a knee up, resting her chin on it.
‘I meant it when I said I was trying to figure out what my life looks like when it doesn’t revolve around you,’ she said.
‘But I haven’t been making much progress.
The fact that I had to have someone else hold onto my phone so I didn’t obsessively check on you…
’
‘Who was that, by the way?’ I asked.
‘He sounded so familiar, but I couldn’t place him.
’
She shook her head.
‘Just a friend. It doesn’t matter.
The only thing that matters is that you know you’ll never, ever lose me.
That I love you too much for that, even if you don’t want me to.
’
‘I’m so sorry I said that to you, Chessie,’ I said.
‘I do want you to love me. As much as you want. To the ends of all the universes.’
‘I couldn’t stop if I tried,’ she said, voice cracking.
I swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat.
‘Drink your coffee before we both start crying again. I’m sure you have to get back to Sydney sooner rather than later and I don’t want to waste all our precious time together on tears.
’
Chess obeyed, picking up her cup, taking a deep breath, a long sip of coffee, and then another deep breath.
‘So you mentioned something about legal advice,’ she said.
‘What do you need?’
‘How do you feel,’ I asked, ‘about helping mastermind a big, public, messy unfair-dismissal case?’