Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
That was the last thing Marie had expected.
“Oh,” she replied.
“I saw you crying,” he continued. “I should like to help you, but I don’t wish to impose.”
Her parents had always avoided her when she’d cried as a child, though they’d done their best to comfort her with a brief pat to the top of her head.
She’d soon learned that it was far easier to not cry than to expect anything more.
It was just as well. She still loved her parents, even if she longed for more compassion from them.
“Am I?” he asked when she didn’t respond. “Imposing, I mean.”
“No, you are not.”
He nodded, swallowing hard. “Then I shall continue by apologizing first for my behavior—from the time of our first meeting to my slights yesterday morning. And especially for when I spoke those horrible words to my parents.”
Marie shifted uncomfortably on the bench. She wasn’t certain she’d ever received an apology from anyone before. She didn’t know what to make of it.
“You’ve already apologized for your words, Charles.”
He scoffed, raking his fingers through his hair.
“I did nothing but make excuses for myself. I have allowed the circumstances surrounding our connection to cloud my judgement and have behaved despicably because of it. I never should have...” His words trailed off, and he shook his head, a deep line etched in his brow as he watched her.
“I never should have said those words about you. Not only were they unkind, but they were entirely untrue. I have consistently blamed you and accused you of all manner of falsehoods. I cannot tell you how much I regret my childish actions. I am truly sorry, Marie, for everything.”
A weight began to lift from around her, and an airy feeling took flight in her chest. She’d never felt so carefree...so cared for.
“I understand if you cannot forgive me, but I—”
“I do forgive you.”
He eyed her. “You do?”
“Of course.”
He didn’t speak for a moment, then shook his head in disbelief. “You are nothing like what I first thought, Marie.”
“What—lifeless and dreary?”
His lips parted in surprise, as if he wasn’t sure how to respond. “I-I did apologize for that...”
She smiled. “I know. And I have forgiven you. But that does not mean I won’t bring it up any chance I can.”
He narrowed his eyes, a distinct spark in them revealing just how delighted he was by her teasing. “Yes, you are very different, indeed.”
She smiled, then sobered. “I must share my own apology now, specifically for how mismanaged this entire affair has been. I cannot imagine the shock you must have felt, nor the betrayal. I believe every person ought to have the opportunity to choose whom they wish to wed, and I mourn for you being unable to have that chance. What happened was entirely unjust, and for that, I am sorry.”
Charles couldn’t speak. For days, he’d longed to hear those words, yearned to know that someone understood him completely. To have Marie of all people speak the exact phrases he needed to hear—to have her comprehend exactly what he’d gone through—he wasn’t sure how to feel.
“Thank you,” he said, lacing his fingers together. “I’ve wanted...That is to say, for quite some time, I...Well, thank you.”
She eyed him curiously, though nodded in silence.
Neither of them spoke for a moment, Charles still reeling over the burden that Marie had so succinctly removed from around his neck, when another thought occurred.
“May I ask you a question?”
“Yes.”
“You have already told me that you were encouraged—not forced—to accept the union between us.”
She nodded.
“What was the deciding factor for you to go along with it?”
She looked away. “There were a few reasons, really. The first I’m certain you’ve already been told.” She cast him a sidelong glance. “That I am too old to find a husband of my own now.”
He didn’t know what to say, unable to deny the truth, but Marie’s knowing look silenced him further.
“It’s true, at any rate. But what really convinced me to go along with the arrangement was the state of my future.
I did not relish the prospect of siphoning from my parents’ funds for the rest of my days, nor did I wish to spend my future by myself.
Such a prospect sounded unbearably lonely. ”
Charles’s heart twisted at her hopeless tone. “And yet,” he began softly, hoping to understand her better, “you preferred the idea of growing old with a stranger?”
“I suppose I put a great deal of faith in your mother’s description of you.
” She cast him a knowing glance before continuing.
“At any rate, if you recall, we would not have been strangers had you met me before, as was your mother’s plan all along.
Three times she tried, but you were always busy. Or...you were simply avoiding me.”
He squeezed his hands together, attempting not to fidget out of his own discomfort. “Yet something else I must apologize for. I wasn’t avoiding you, exactly, as much as I was avoiding anyone my mother pushed me towards.”
“Yet somehow, she still managed to make the marriage happen.”
“She’s nothing if not persistent.”
They shared another smile before she continued with a small sigh. “After reading your letter, which I assumed was in earnest, I had high hopes that if any man could respond with such enthusiasm to an arranged marriage, I would not mind spending such a future with him.”
Charles’s heart now doubled over in pain, and he winced. How he regretted that letter. Before, he’d mourned doing so because of how it had affected him. Now, he realized how selfish he’d been. His sarcasm toward his mother had affected Marie far more than he’d ever considered.
“Do not begin feeling guilty about that now, too,” Marie said, apparently reading his mind.
“It is difficult not to.”
“I understand your regret,” she stated. “I, too, have experienced a great deal of shame these last few days. Specifically for not pushing my father to renegotiate the wedding when I first discovered your ignorance. I just knew he would never agree to it. He had lost all confidence in my ability to find a husband, and with my reputation ruined, I would have no hope at all.”
Charles bit his tongue. The very fact that Mr. Oakley made it known that he’d lost faith in his own daughter was despicable. And yet, Charles, himself, had wondered countless times why she had, indeed, been unable to find a spouse.
He hesitated, not wishing to break the fragile connection now forging between them, but Marie must have seen the question in his eyes anyway.
“You wish to know why I never married,” she stated. “The real reason why.”
Did the woman have some unseen power to read his every thought? “Please forgive my curiosity. You are beautiful, well-accomplished, and can be amenable...when you wish to be.”
Her attention snapped to his, and he winked. To his delight, her eyes rounded in surprise, then a blush painted her cheeks. “I could say the same for you, sir.”
“Truthfully though, I cannot make sense of it. Your Father shared an explanation of his own at the ball, but I desire to know the truth from your own lips.”
His eyes dropped to her mouth at the mention of it.
“If I promise to give you an answer, will you tell me why you haven’t married?” she asked.
“Of course. I never married because I was too focused on my next big adventure. I knew I would settle down one day, but I wasn’t in a hurry. Apparently, my parents thought I was taking too long.”
Her lips raised at the corners. “That is precisely what your mother told me, that you were waiting too long to find love.”
“Of course she did.”
“I hope you will not be angry with her for too long. She means well, though I’m certain you already know that.”
Charles did know that, but he couldn’t deny he was softened further due to Marie’s kindness toward his parents. How could he have ever accused her of misusing them?
“I suppose it is my turn now,” she continued.
“However, I’m afraid I do not have a straightforward answer for you in regard to why I have remained unmarried for so long.
My parents spent many years in London, Bath, and now Surrey in order to find me a husband.
I do not boast when I say plenty of gentlemen have expressed interest in me, but the problem was I never had interest in them.
After the initial attraction, I grew tired of each one, and they, in turn, grew tired of me. ”
Her eyes took on a far-off look as she stared up into the leaves above them.
“My father feared I was too fastidious in attempting to find the perfect gentlemen. But I wasn’t looking for perfection.
I was looking for friendship. Companionship.
Love. But love never came. He encouraged me to improve my accomplishments to make up for my age, but in the last year or so, it became clear that once my advanced years became known, no gentleman would pursue me beyond safe flirtation in a ballroom.
” She eyed him with raised brows. “That is why I always enjoyed balls, for there, I could pretend for one blissful evening that my future was not so very bleak after all.”
She finished, and Charles was rendered silent. What could he say to make matters better, when he’d only ever proven to make them worse?
She’d wanted the marriage because she could not find love elsewhere—not because no man would love her. And now that she finally had some semblance of security, he’d suggested an annulment. How could he, in good conscience, go through with it now?
But then, she’d said she’d wanted to pursue that course, as well. Unless she’d merely been going along with him to avoid humiliation herself.
He absentmindedly removed his gloves, his palms growing warm as he anticipated her answer. Which reply he preferred, he couldn’t be sure. But he knew he needed to find the truth before they spent another day together as husband and wife.
“Marie, do you still wish to remain married?”