Chapter 36
After putting my coat hood up to hide my tear-stained face, I march across campus, passing the library where Alaric is still sitting with Dr. Aldrich.
I stand right inside the doorway until his gaze lands on me, and when it does, I stare right back.
It’s evident I’ve been crying, and the recognition that crosses his expression tells me he understands why.
He stands, tossing an excuse over his shoulder to the woman at the table before making his way toward me. I turn without waiting for him, knowing he’ll follow, and walk toward the empty seating area surrounding the fountain that’s turned off for the season.
I stop in the center near the fountain and turn, crossing my arms as I wait for him to close the distance. When he gets close enough for me to speak without risking someone else overhearing, I start talking before he has the chance to.
“I’m done with this. All of it.”
“Vivian—” he reaches out to touch my arm, but I step back and ignore the pang of heartbreak that strikes me at his distraught expression.
“I’m serious. I went to Chancellor Aldrich and told her that I discovered the mushrooms in the woods and had collected the samples for you, and I told her I found Mitchell this afternoon so I could cover my ass about hiding it for you.”
Alaric blows out a slow breath, pulling at the back of his neck. “What did she say?”
“That she’d handle it. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell her about our… arrangement,” I say, not wanting to even use the word relationship. “So you can keep getting cozy with her daughter without any issues.”
“I already told you, I’m not interested in Erin. I’m trying to get some information that she’d have access to, and this is the only way I can do that.”
“Is that all anyone is to you?” I seethe. “A means to get information? You’re pretending to date her because she supposedly knows something you don’t, and you’ve probably only kept me around for the same reason after I found the mushrooms.”
“That’s not true,” he argues. “I love you, Vivian.”
My heart stops. He can’t mean that, can he? Even if he does, actions speak louder than words.
“You can’t tell me you love me when you can’t even trust me enough to tell me the truth.”
“I’ve told you, I’m trying to protect you. Knowing certain information puts you at risk,” he argues.
“Then let me decide if I’m willing to take that risk! You want me to blindly trust your judgment while you refuse to give me the information I need to make my own decisions, and I won’t. I can’t be another pawn in this fucked up game that you’re playing.”
“That’s not what you are to me.”
“Are you sure? Because from where I’m standing, it looks like I’m just another tool for your research. Were you even able to find Mitchell’s body without me?”
His silence tells me everything I need to know.
“That’s what I thought.”
A heavy silence stretches between us, and I almost turn to leave, but anger is still swelling inside of me, and I need to get it out.
“Frankly,” I continue, “I think I’m just convenient for you.
You can tell me you love me all you want, but now a part of me wonders if you’ve been more interested in me from an analytical view rather than a romantic one.
The girl who just discovered her magic when almost everyone here has known about theirs for their entire lives must be a fascinating subject to study for you.
It’s just convenient that she’s also fuckable and willing to keep your secrets while helping you collect the specimens that’ll bring you academic renown. ”
“That’s not true,” he growls. “Of course I’ve found you interesting, but it was never from a logical standpoint.
I care about you so much. More than I should.
And that’s exactly why I need to be careful.
If anyone finds out about this situation, it could ruin both of us, and I’d never forgive myself if I screwed up your life due to my own selfish desires. ”
His words are like a knife through my chest, but as much as I want to believe him, I can’t keep putting myself through this.
“I care about you too, Alaric, and I understand your concern about us getting caught. But I can’t stand by and keep your secrets while watching you parade around with someone else, no matter how much you assure me it’s not what it looks like. ”
“Vivian, please, we can work this out. I can—”
“No,” I interrupt. Tears burn at the back of my eyes as I try to maintain my strength.
I so badly want to collapse into his arms and plead with him to stay away from her and choose me, but I won’t.
He’s made his choices. “I’ve spent my entire life putting other people first, taking care of my family, sacrificing what I wanted to make sure everyone else was happy and comfortable.
I thought that maybe here, with you, I could finally be someone’s priority.
But I see now where your priorities lie, and I’m certainly not at the top of the list.”
“That’s not true, and I’m so sorry that I ever made you feel that way. Please give me a chance to prove to you how much you mean to me.”
I stare at him for a moment, my heart aching more with every second that passes. The temptation to give him another chance is overwhelming, but I know that if I do, he’ll continue to feed me half-truths and just enough affection to keep me hanging on. I deserve more than that.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t. Maybe one day we can talk about us again, but it’s clearly not going to work for either of us right now.”
With that, I turn and walk away. I don’t allow myself to look back, even as he calls out to me. If I see the devastation on his face again, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to stay away.
The tightness in my chest threatens to burst into a sob as I fight back tears.
I only make it halfway to my dorm before I have to stop, ducking behind one of the stone buildings to lean against the wall and let the emotion out.
Heaving sobs shake my body as I cry for the relationship I naively thought we had, for my own stupidity at thinking I was as important to him as he was to me.
But underneath the sharp pain of heartbreak, there’s something stronger: pride.
I stood up for myself. I put myself first and refused to accept being treated as less than I deserve. For some reason, that makes me sob even harder.
Eventually, the tears slow and my gasping cries fade to hiccups. I wipe my face with my sleeve, put my hood up to hide myself from the people I pass, then rush to my dorm room where I can have some solitude.
When I reach the room, though, Max is there. She takes one look at my face and her expression softens with sympathy. She assumes it’s a simple breakup that’s crushed me, but it’s so much more than that.
And after keeping everything a secret for so many weeks, I tell her everything.
My tears come back full-force as I explain how I came to find Mitchell in the forest, and how Alaric asked me to keep it a secret.
I make her swear to secrecy, explaining how I changed the details of my story to report everything to the Chancellor, and she promises that she won’t tell a soul.
She even wraps an arm around me as I relay the final part of the story, my breakup with Alaric, despite her aversion to physical affection.
Max only interjects a few times, either to ask clarifying questions or to say some choice words regarding Alaric. By the time I’ve finished relaying the whole fucked-up story, I’ve cried out every tear I have, and the only thing I can feel is numbness.
The last few weeks of the semester will be difficult to say the least, but I’ll keep my head down and work my way through them. With any luck, I won’t have Alaric as a professor anymore, and I can look toward next semester as a fresh start.