Chapter 10 Desire
DESIRE
Caedisterra, God of Blood and Balance, grants the gift of chance. Architect of the cosmic balance, he hears the prayers of scholars asking to understand what can or cannot be.
When Claudia opens her eyes, she’s no longer in her room at Cygnus. She’s standing in a snowy forest, dressed all in white, surrounded by nothing but quiet darkness. Above her, the dark sky is hooked by a thin, curved moon.
She’s back in the Realm of Nightmares.
“Dorian?” she calls out.
There is no response. She’s simultaneously disappointed and relieved. She wants comfort and familiarity. She wants his power in her veins. She wants him to promise her she won’t get killed at Cygnus.
But she doesn’t want that bone-deep chill from being in his presence. She fears the inevitable shame of the following day, knowing she’ll regret throwing herself at him for a spill of his magic that she finds so addictive.
She walks forward through the snow, and the trees part to reveal the Jolicoeur estate. She’s close enough to see light cutting through her bedroom window. At first, it looks empty, but then someone pushes the window open.
It’s… her. It’s Claudia. She’s staring up at her past self. Nightmare Claudia is wearing the blue dress she wore upon her arrival at Cygnus, but there’s no blood.
Yet.
The nightmare bends and warps until Claudia is hovering above the scene, as though she’s standing on the roof or perched in a tree or floating through space.
All she knows is that she’s high above the ground, and she can see the mirror version of herself with uncanny clarity.
She hadn’t realized just how sick she looked before she left.
Those are the gaunt cheeks and hollow eyes of a dying girl.
The nightmare version looks exactly like her mother toward the end of her life.
She watches the scene play out with nightmarish exaggerations—her father barges in, and he’s twice the size he should be, with fangs for teeth and black holes for eyes. Nightmare Claudia holds a letter in her hand.
She doesn’t want to watch what happens next, but she doesn’t have a choice. No one can look away from a nightmare.
It all happens in slow motion—the apparition of the Doorway, Bishop’s striking bite, the blade straight through her father’s heart.
And then there is blood. An ocean of it. It fills the whole room, rising like a tide, until Nightmare Claudia can do nothing but breathe it in and sink to the floor. Bubbles rise from where Nightmare Claudia sank.
Claudia watches her mirror self drown to death in blood, and when she screams, the scene turns to smoke.
Then she falls.
Endless black swells around her. There is no ground coming into view. Nothing but wind and night. It feels as if she’ll fall forever.
Part of her wishes she could. At least here, she can’t get caught by the killer in the waking world.
And being trapped here would be a fitting punishment for what she did to her father.
The guilt has been eating away at her, day and night.
She did something terrible, made worse because she got away with it.
Facing some sort of consequence is the only thing she can think of that would make it go away. Maybe that would make her good again.
A cold force collides with her, tearing her out of the air. She recognizes him by his scent alone—mint and ice and ash.
Dorian.
“What the hell are you doing here, Starling?” he growls, cradling her tightly to his chest when he lands hard on the ground.
For once, she can’t think of anything to say. Her teeth chatter, and her entire body trembles.
“You shouldn’t have come here again,” he snaps.
“Do you understand how frightened you have to be to fall into this realm? What could have scared you so much?” His icy breath breezes across her face.
She leans into his hold, searching for heat that isn’t there.
A man made of winter cannot keep her warm.
Finally, she says, “There’s a killer out there, Dorian.”
Something in his demeanor shifts. The corner of his mouth twitches. “What?”
“I found a page from a deceased student’s diary. People say she died in her sleep, but that’s not true. She was killed, and it was because of her power. Power that she and I share.”
His green eyes widen, and silver light glistens around his catlike pupils. “Another celestial witch?”
“Yes. She was working with Professor Lamour, who, as far as I know, is the only other one of us left. And this killer… They’ve been doing this for a century.
As soon as Sidarphion left, they started murdering celestial witches.
They would’ve killed you if you weren’t hidden here.
” She shudders, swallowing hard. Cold tears well in her eyes, but she blinks them away.
“They came back for Odette. And I’m going to be next. ”
“No, you’re not. I won’t let that happen.”
She gives him a pitiful smile. “How could you stop them? You’re trapped.”
A dark laugh hums behind his lips. “I’ll tell you a secret about killers. They’re all deeply, pathetically afraid. Whoever they are, they’re bound to have a nightmare soon. And when I find them, I will scare them to death.”
“Can people truly die in this realm?”
“Anyone can die anywhere. Nowhere is safe, especially not here. If they come, I will kill them.”
“But what am I to do when I wake up? How will I survive while we wait for them to fall into your world? Your plan is too passive.”
“Well, how close are you to setting me free? I could do more out there than I can in here.”
“I’m nowhere near,” she whimpers, staring at her feet. “The Astrologia wing is condemned. All the materials I need are locked in there.”
“You said the previous student was working with Professor Lamour. Get him to teach you.”
“He sought her out, though. He hasn’t offered his teachings to me.”
“Then make him.”
She pinches the space between her brows, then nods. “I’ll talk to him tomorrow, but you need to give me something now. I won’t risk going back to Cygnus with no defenses.”
He stiffens. “You want power.”
“I need it,” she says through gritted teeth.
“Power is dangerous, Starling. Too much too fast can drive you mad.”
“Too little too slow can get me killed. Help me, Dorian. If I die, you’ll never be free. It’s in both of our best interests for you to give me what I want.”
“I can’t,” he says, resting his hands on her shoulders. “It would hurt you more than help.”
She growls, “You’re not listening to—”
“But,” he cuts her off, “I can give you more time, and I can show you somewhere to hide.”
She stills and raises her brows, waiting for him to continue.
“When I was a scholar at Cygnus, I learned to remain lucid while sleeping in order to have more time to study. I learned how to enter the Realm of Nightmares at will, which meant I had a place to practice magic away from the prying eyes of competitive students and strict professors. I could teach you. If you ever found yourself in real danger, you could leave your realm and come here until it’s safe. ”
She’s hanging on his every word. More power. More time. More time with him. “Show me.”
He nods. “Our magic comes from desire. The more you want, the more powerful you become. Once you master it, you can manifest with it.” He steps back, flexing his hands as though readying for a fight.
“Watch.” He dots something along his palm with his claw.
Little beads of black blood glow against the darkness, and then appears a white spider lily in his hand.
Claudia smiles wide when he comes close and tucks it behind her ear.
“You can create something as soft as a flower or as strong as a weapon. And this”—he gestures to the world around them—“is the perfect place to practice without getting caught. You’re still a first-year, after all.
You’re not supposed to know any of this. ”
Her heart pounds, blood buzzing with desire. She reaches up and touches the flower in her hair. Velvety petals tickle her fingertips.
Gods, it’s real. He conjured it from nothing.
No—not nothing. He manifested it with desire. He created something real out of pure want.
Claudia can hardly believe it, and she can’t fathom having this ability herself.
“To enter the Realm of Nightmares through desire instead of fear, you must conjure a Doorway, just like the one that brought you to Cygnus. When you close your eyes at night, picture it. Feel it. Hear it. Make it as real as you possibly can in your mind. Once your desire is strong enough, it will open for you. But I must warn you, Claudia, this place is costly. It eats away at your sleep, and your sanity. When you’re here, you’re not truly resting or recovering.
” He hooks her chin. “You can come here as long as you can survive it, but be honest with yourself. Do not come if you are too weak to withstand the cost, and only come when you have nowhere else to hide. Promise?”
She releases a shaky breath. “I promise.”
He touches the flower in her hair and runs the back of his hand along her cheek.
“When you wake up, speak to Professor Lamour. Get him to train you in the art of the stars. Then, when and if you ever need me, you come here, and I will teach you to master nightmares. But for now, you need rest.” With a gentle hand, he guides her body down so that she’s lying flat on her back.
“Close your eyes and drift back to Cygnus. I will see you again.”
She obeys and steadies her breathing, but her eyes flicker open again. Dorian stands above her, haloed by moonlight.
“Is it the same for you, Dorian?”
“In what sense?”
“If you desire something, does it make you stronger?”
A deep laugh rumbles behind his lips. “It makes me ravenous.”
“Enough to free yourself?”
He runs a claw down her face with enough pressure to sting but not enough to draw blood. “I suppose we’ll find out.”
When Claudia wakes, Dorian’s flower is still in her hair, and Bishop has returned with another diary entry dangling from his mouth.
September 13th