Chapter 32 Trapped #2
He laughs. “If only it were so simple. Ascension is the one thing the blessing cannot grant. It technically brings you further away from godhood.”
“How?”
“To become a god, you must strengthen your soul, but to receive the blessing, you have to give a piece of it away.”
“Gods take a part of your soul?”
He nods. “A small bite. They take a taste of your greatest desire, and use it to manifest your desire into reality. This is why a human should have only one blessing in their lifetime. There’s only so much of your soul you can give before you become owned by something else.”
Blood rushes in her ears. “What about devils?”
“Devils?” he asks, sitting up.
“What happens when a devil takes a bite of your soul?”
“That wouldn’t happen.”
“What do you mean?”
“A devil would never stop with just one bite. A devil would want it all.”
Dorian’s devilish face flashes in her mind—his teeth dripping with her blood.
A pang of fear is followed by excitement. If he wants more of her soul, she can use that to her advantage whenever she’s able to see him again. Perhaps if she offers it in exchange for changing Cassius’s fate, he will say yes. Dangerous as it is, he’s the strongest hope she has.
Unless—
An idea strikes her: Marcherie said Triche can’t die because he’s going to ascend, and so long as he’s working on his trials, he is protected by the gods. If Cassius were to begin his godly trials before his death date, would they save him?
That must be what Triche wants for him, too. Perfect immortality. Protection that only gods can provide.
Triche may have threatened her with expulsion, but now she thinks they’re actually on the same side here. They both want nothing more than to keep Cassius safe.
“What holds you back?” she asks, eager to push him toward godhood because it’s the first idea that’s given her hope. For whatever reason, she can’t get to the Realm of Nightmares, can’t speak to Dorian, can’t beg him to save Cassius for her.
For now, Triche helping Cassius ascend is her best bet.
Cassius tucks her hair behind her ear and strokes his thumb along her cheek.
“Ascension requires one to sacrifice everything. You have to give up all earthly tethers—your heart, your humanity. I don’t know if I can.
” He’s staring intensely as if trying to memorize her features. “Not anymore, at least.”
“What does that mean? Something changed?”
“Yes.”
“What is it?”
“What do you think?”
She sucks in a breath. So, it’s her fault. Everything they are, whatever is between them, is keeping him from godhood.
And it’s going to get him killed.
She can’t let it. She can’t keep him. She told herself she would do whatever it takes to save him—even if that means breaking both of their hearts.
Sadness rips through her chest over what she has to say next. “You can’t sacrifice potential godhood, Cassius. I think you need to tell Triche that you’re choosing his path over me.”
Cassius furrows his brow. “You want me to lie to him?”
“No. I want you to make the right decision.”
“Claudia,” he says, half prayer.
Her breath hitches at the sound of her name. “Trust me. I’m not worth—”
He cuts her off with a desperate, tender kiss.
At his touch, the universe itself ignites.
His fingers curl in her hair while he holds her close, his other hand firm at the small of her back, inching down.
She brings her hands to his face, holding either side, keeping him locked in the kiss as if she’s terrified to open her eyes and find he was never there at all.
If this were only a matter of heart, she would give in to Cassius like autumn submitting to winter.
But Cassius still has to be saved, somehow. He’s still dying, even here, even now, when it feels like they both have only just started living.
“Cassius,” she whimpers into his mouth.
It drives him wild. Like an animal, he growls, running his strong hands all over her body. His fingers brush her neck, then move to her shoulder and slide down the slope of her body, hooking on the curve of her waist.
“Say my name again,” he moans against her lips.
Without breaking their kiss, she whispers, “Cassius.”
“Again.”
“Cassius.”
“Again.”
“Cas—”
He seizes her in an even deeper kiss before the rest of his name escapes her. Her tongue slides against his, ice against fire. Her hands roam over his white shirt, unbuttoning it and crawling to his muscular back. She claws down his spine when he bites her bottom lip. His kiss moves to her neck.
“When you call my name like that,” he says, panting against her skin, “I will come running. I don’t care if we are oceans apart. I will always come for you.”
Her voice shakes when she says, “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
His kisses slow. “Nothing is going to happen to me.”
He must sense her stiffening below him, so he pulls back, assessing her expression. “What is it? Do you want me to stop?”
She shakes her head. “I want you. I’m just scared,” she says.
“What are you so afraid of? Losing me? Something happening to me? Where is all this coming from?”
She can’t tell him the whole truth, but she can tell him things that aren’t lies.
“You need to choose your future over me. I can’t live with myself if I take that from you.
You’re so close to everything you want with Triche.
Besides, if anything distracts me, if I make one single mistake, he won’t let me stay.
Who knows—he may be prepared to expel me anyway if he feels like I’m taking you away from the path of godhood. It’s simply not a good idea.”
His eyes narrow. “What are you keeping from me?”
How does he always see right through her? “I’m not keeping—”
“No, you are keeping something, and you’ve been keeping something. Things changed after the night of The Deer and the Daughter. It was that night.”
She stammers, waiting for words to come, but they don’t.
“It was in the observatory when you looked at my stars,” Cassius continues. “What did you see that made you want to run?”
“I’m not running from you. That’s the last thing I’m doing. I’m fighting for you. I just need you to trust me, okay? Will you trust me?”
“Will you tell me what you saw?”
No. Not now. Not when there’s some hope to undo it. “You wouldn’t believe it anyway.”
“You’re right about that.”
“Cas—”
“You can’t do this, Jolicoeur.” His arms start to untangle from her. He’s pulling away. “You can’t deny yourself on the basis of your disproven stars.”
“I’m not having this fight with you again. You don’t have to believe in the stars to make them real for me. Fate does not hinge on whether or not you trust that it will come to pass.” Gods, that was melodramatic. She needs to get out of this room.
“Well, if fate is so permanent, then it’s already decided that you’ll either have me or you won’t. I don’t know what you intend to do to change it.”
She shudders. “Neither do I.”
“So we’re done here, then.”
All the breath leaves her lungs when she says, “I suppose.”
He stands. “Then there’s nothing more to say.”
Her chest feels like an open wound. Her entire body is freezing cold in his wake. “Fine.”
“We’ll get out of here soon, and I won’t bother you again once we leave.”
“Good,” she says, even though it nearly kills her.
They are silent. Waiting. Letting the dread creep in.
Fuck this room.
Approximately a million years later, the door handle jangles and dips and, mercifully, Marcherie charges through. “There you are! We’ve been looking for you two everywhere.”
Claudia, delirious with dread and exhaustion, rushes toward Marcherie and hugs her. She doesn’t quite realize what she’s doing until her arms are tight around Marcherie’s waist and she’s whispering, “Thank you,” into the singer’s ear.
“Of course, my friend,” Marcherie says.
From the doorway, Claudia gets a whiff of clean, warm air, free from the cold weight of existential dread, and she pulls away from Marcherie.
She just hugged her almost-killer. Gods, she’s losing it.
“We’ve been locked in for—I don’t even know. How long has it been?” Cassius looks up at the chicken-feet clock.
“It’s the middle of the night. You’ve been here for nearly eleven hours.”
“Who did this to us?” Claudia asks.
Marcherie shrugs, keeping the door propped open by leaning against it. “I have no idea.”
Claudia’s eyes narrow. “Marcherie…”
Offended, her jaw drops. “It wasn’t me!”
Cassius and Claudia look at each other, then back at Marcherie with suspicion.
“I swear it really wasn’t me,” she defends. “I’ve been performing. Ask anyone—I’ve been in rehearsals since early this morning and I was onstage all night.” She smooths her hair. “Shame you missed it. I was Hypatia, blood-eagled by a Christian mob. We used real pig’s blood and everything.”
Claudia shudders at the thought.
If it wasn’t Marcherie, then who?
Certainly not Triche—he didn’t want them to be together longer than they had to be for their punishment.
When they walk out of the room, Marcherie returns to the Musices wing, and Cassius offers to walk Claudia back to her room. She accepts. It’s probably the last time he’ll ever do it. This is where they end.
Once they reach the door, Claudia pushes it open and turns back to Cassius. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he says sternly. His jaw is tight.
With a soft sigh and a forced smile, she says, “You’re going to be a great god one day, MacLeod.”
His face remains cold and serious. Claudia hangs her head and heads inside her room.
Cassius catches her wrist. “Wait.”
Her eyes lock on his fingers, then move up to his face. “What is it?”
Jaw tensed, his gaze drifts to her lips. As swift as a blink, he takes her face in his hands and kisses her, slow and gentle this time. He lingers there on her mouth for a small, quiet eternity, before pulling away and releasing a sigh.
She touches her bottom lip, savoring the warmth. “Why did you do that?”
He gives her a sad smile. “To remember it all.”