Chapter 32 THE THREE HARDEST THINGS
Chapter 32
T HE T HREE H ARDEST T HINGS
Charli hikes up Romsey Road on the western side of Winchester. The cemetery appears to her left, and beyond the lines of crooked and mossy gravestones stands the city in the valley below.
She enters through the gate and wanders along the path, searching for the name Pemberton . The information on some gravestones is barely legible, having endured decades, if not centuries, of English weather. She leaves the path and starts into the tall grass, where early spring flowers have begun to bloom.
One after another, she studies the names. At the far end, twenty minutes into her search, Charli finds what she came for. As Lord Pemberton had said, there are a cluster of Pembertons all buried under ornate gravestones, some dating back to the sixteenth century.
Chills run through her when she finds Edward Pemberton’s grave. He died at fifty-seven years old. She stands in the grass above where his body lies and lets herself feel him, knowing that she is now at the source of much of her family’s turmoil.
She studies the gravestones next to his and finds Cora’s. How could she have supported these men in what they did? She must have been absolutely broken inside. Then Charli finds the gravestone of Lord James Pemberton. He lies on the other side of his son Edward.
Charli is standing above the bones of two men who destroyed generations. James lived until he was sixty-three, and Charli wonders whether, like his youngest son, he ever regretted his wicked actions.
Very possibly not. Not all bad men feel regret toward the end.
On the train, she was able to wake Frances in Costa Rica and get instructions for exactly what she needed to do. Charli sits on the grass between the two graves. Having smartened up enough to carry a pad and paper now, she draws the pad from her bag and reads the words Frances passed on to her.
“I am not responsible for what you did. None of us are. Your guilt is yours alone to bear, just as my mother’s is hers and no one else’s. I want to be set free from it. I want everyone in our family to be set free from what both of you did. The truth is finally out. Though we are bound by blood, I am no longer a part of your crime. No one else is.”
Even as she says the last words, the weight lifts, almost as if she could float right up into the sky and fly over Winchester.
It’s around three by the time Charli makes it to the pub. She can’t know how Noah will respond to her finally expressing her feelings—it might be too late—but she’s hopeful. The long-distance challenge seems insurmountable, but they don’t have to make all the decisions in the world right now. One day at a time.
Hoping that Noah can sneak away for a chat, she pulls back the door to find a mostly empty pub. The lunch rush has cleared out. A man sits at the bar with a newspaper splayed out in front of him. His beer is half-empty.
No, half-full.
Victoria is behind the bar and waves. “Hey there, Charli.”
“You never leave, do you?”
“I pretty much live here.” She pauses. “Wouldn’t want it any other way.”
Though Charli has urgent business, she slows her pace and takes a moment to collect her thoughts. “Victoria, I hope you know that you’re amazing. I don’t know you, but you have this thing about you that makes everyone in your orbit feel good. You don’t even have to say a word. It’s such a gift.”
It looks like even Victoria, fully content in her life, maybe needed to hear that today. “I appreciate you saying that. My mum used to say, ‘You’re only a smile away from being happy.’”
Charli lets a real smile surface. “She’d be proud, Victoria. I’m sure you know that already, and who am I to say so? But I’m saying it anyway.”
Victoria whispers her thanks in a beautifully humble way.
“Is Noah around?”
“Yeah, but today’s family-meeting day. They’re in the back. It could be a while.”
Charli has been preparing herself to speak to him for most of the train ride, and the idea of coming back later doesn’t sit well with her.
“Is it okay if I interrupt?” Charli says. “It’s kind of important.”
“Yeah, okay,” Victoria says, “they’re just that way.”
Charli goes through the hallway that leads to the stairwell to the inn. Farther down, she once noticed a large room that is often used for larger parties. The doors are closed, but she hears a heated conversation taking place. Something about opening hours.
When their voices return to less passionate tones, Charli knocks on the door. Everyone goes silent as she pushes it open.
The heads of twenty of Noah’s family swivel in a synchronistic movement that lights Charli’s nerves on fire.
“Sorry to barge in,” Charli says, then sets her eyes on Noah. “Could I borrow you for a moment?”
Noah doesn’t get up right away. His father frowns. Marianne grimaces. Wesley sits back and crosses his arms. The one-hundred-year-old Helen casts a curious yet unsurprised look. How heavy all of this is.
But Charli holds her ground.
As Noah finally nods and starts to stand, Marianne interjects, “Anything you have to say, you can say to us too.”
Noah waves her off. “It’s okay. I’ll be—”
Marianne wouldn’t let him speak. “You might be a runt, but you’re my brother, and I don’t want to see her walk all over you any longer. Let her have her say in front of us all. Right, Mum and Dad?”
Her mom and dad don’t exactly encourage the idea, but they don’t bail Charli out either. Noah looks at her with a look of indecision.
“Fine,” Charli says. “I suppose it has to do with all of you anyway.” She’d prepared for rejection but not this ...
She swallows her nerves, reminding herself that she’s exactly where she needs to be right now. Everything that’s happened to Charli these last few weeks has led to this moment.
“Go ahead,” Noah’s father urges.
She looks at him and then at Noah, where she feels the safest.
“My dad once told me that the hardest three things to say are I’m sorry , I was wrong , and Worcestershire sauce .” She mangles the last one, and it makes her smile. Her childhood wasn’t all bad.
“I still can’t say that one,” she says. “But I can say the rest. Noah, I’m sorry. For being an emotional yo-yo and sending you mixed messages and not recognizing what we have between us. And I was wrong not to tell you why I was here in the first place.”
She casts her eyes over everyone at the table. “You know what, at the risk of you guys thinking I’ve lost my mind, let me take a step back. Well, a few steps back, to 1881. The fact is ... someone in my family generations ago is responsible for the murder of your Lillian Turner, but it wasn’t Miles Pemberton, who was sentenced to the gallows.”
Noah’s family doesn’t move a muscle, waiting to see what this loon of an American is going to say next.
“Some of you probably don’t even know about the murder—or care about it—but it’s become important for me to figure it out. It’s a long story best saved for another day, but all the way down to the present day, my family has suffered from trauma due to that murder. I can see by your expressions that Noah hasn’t told you any of this. That’s the kind of person he is. As good as they come ...”
She feels instant relief for finally coming out and removing all the untruths. A kind look rises on his face.
“What I can’t get over is that I found Noah before I even knew about the connection to your family. I found Noah and fell in love with him, not knowing what had happened with our relatives. If that’s not serendipitous, I don’t know what is.”
Noah gives a curious yet skeptical look.
Charli goes to him and puts her hand on his shoulder. “I’d much rather do this in private, but so be it. There’s a fourth thing that’s also hard to say.” She dives into those eyes. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”
The skepticism falls from his face as he sets his hand on hers and gives a smile that maybe says I love you back.
Either way, his touch gives her even more courage. “I know that I can be very unlovable, and I know that our future is ...” She shrugs. “Nearly impossible. But that doesn’t keep me from loving you.”
He doesn’t say a word. Is it not enough? Perhaps he’s enjoying this, watching her burn in public. Or maybe he’s still trying to decide whether she means it.
That’s fine—she’ll keep going. “I’ve never wanted a serious relationship. Never wanted to get married. Definitely never wanted kids. I didn’t want to bring them into my world, to make them suffer like everyone else in my family. That has changed since I first met you. I don’t know if there’s anything between us now. I can only imagine how frustrated you are with me. But that’s okay. I just want you to know the truth.”
Nothing from the rest of the family, barely a blink.
Finally , Noah chooses to speak, and his words hit straight to her core. “I love you too.”
Stars shoot across the sky of her heart. “What took you so long? You had to make me work for it, huh?”
A round of laughter circles the table.
He grins, and it’s a look that could push away even the darkest clouds. “I had to make sure you were sure.”
“Ah, that’s fair. Because maybe I just wanted to embarrass myself in front of your family—because that’s what I do for fun. Seriously, can we take this outside now? I’m feeling a little bit like I’m in a Nick Hornby novel.”
More laughter fills the room as Noah presses up from the table. “Okay, people. I think we’ve held her to the fire long enough. Yeah, let’s escape before it’s too late.”
Charli lets out a big sigh.
Then it hits her. “Oh, one more thing.” She takes the brooch from her purse. “This was Lillian’s. I know that because I have a picture with Miles and Lillian, and she’s wearing it. You might not believe this, but Lord Steven Pemberton, the heir of Miles’s brother, Edward, gave it to me. I met with him in London this morning. His family has passed this brooch down through the generations as a reminder of their dark past and what is expected of them going forward. He told me the story as it has been passed down, all starting with Miles’s father, James, and how displeased he was with Miles and Lillian’s relationship.”
Charli recounts the details as Steven shared them to her, then lowers her voice. “I know this to be true. It might not matter to you, but the truth matters to me a great deal. Because I believe it can remove some of the negative energy that seems to permeate not only my family, but the Pembertons and perhaps yours as well.”
Glancing around the room, it’s like she’s just shown how a Zoom call works to a bunch of Victorians.
Charli holds the brooch up high and skips her eyes around the room. “If it’s okay with you, I am going to take this back home with me and give it to the person who deserves it most: my third great-grandfather, Miles Pemberton. I will leave it on his grave.” She likes to hear the pride in her voice when she says his name. Among a long list, Miles Pemberton has taught her how to love, and what could be a better lesson than that?
Helen stares back at her with seasoned eyes and gives a nod, and it’s all the answer Charli needs. The matriarch has given her approval; she knows it belongs in Boston with Miles.
Charli sticks the brooch into the pocket of her jeans. “Though it’s not my crime and it was a long time ago, I am sorry on behalf of my family for what happened to Lillian. I know with all of me that, just as I love Noah, Miles loved Lillian with every fiber of his being.”
She looks back at Noah. “And now I am going to excuse myself while you all talk about the American loon that walked in the door. Don’t worry, I get it. I’m feeling pretty loony.” She needs him now and tugs on his arm and whispers, “Can we go outside now?”
He grins. “I’d say you’ve earned it.” To his family, he says, “I’ll be back in a few.”
Marianne stops them as Charli and Noah make their escape. “Hey, Charli. I think you’re all right. A little kooky, but that’s okay. He’d be lucky to have you. As you know, I’ve always been curious about Lillian’s murder. To know the truth does seem to settle something inside of me. Thank you for that.”
“You’re welcome,” Charli says. She glances around the room. “Nice to meet everyone. I’m headed back to London to catch a flight home. Maybe I’ll see you again.”
Noah’s dad rises first, followed by everyone else. He walks up to her and offers her a hug. “You’re a good one, Charli,” he whispers to her.
His sincerity breaks through any last fear that remains inside her. “That’s how I feel about all of you, truly.” She finds his eyes. “I hope to see you again.”
By then, his wife and Marianne and Helen are in line, waiting for hugs, and Charli feels accepted in a way with which she’s quite unfamiliar.
“You’re gonna dump all that and take off?” Noah asks, once they’re safely out of the pub. They come to a stop in the middle of the cobblestone street.
“Well, I didn’t realize I was going to do that in front of the whole family. Now I need a nap.”
He pulls her close and rests his chin on the top of her head. “You are a brave one, Charli Thurman.”
Her heart soars.
After a long, comforting moment, he pulls back and clasps her face with gentle hands. “Don’t go.”
“I have to. I have a flight in the morning, and a boss that is losing patience.”
He nods and eases in for a kiss. Her knees nearly buckle as a gasp escapes her lips. They kiss again, uncaring of who might be watching. For those moments, they’re all alone, floating on a cloud out into the ether.
He slowly lowers his hands, grazing them across her chest and then wrapping them around her waist, pulling her in. They melt into each other. She breathes him in and soaks up his love, feeling every wall she’s ever put up come down in a dazzling display of destruction.
When they pull apart, they’re both smiling. It’s amazing that they found this connection, and it’s nearly comical that they live so far apart.
She straightens his collar, feeling incredible comfort in their touch. “Maybe you could come see me in Boston once your season slows down.”
He looks at her as if that were already decided. “You’re damn right I’ll come see you. I can’t stand that we live so far apart; it doesn’t feel right.” He grunts. “Dammit, I’m going to miss you.”
“Me too.” They both blink back tears. This is the hardest goodbye of her life.
“We’ll always have Winchester,” he says.
A welcome laugh escapes. “Don’t Bogart me.”
His smile is a hug to her heart. “I’m not Bogarting you.”
They stare into each other’s eyes for a long time, and she revisits some of the moments they shared together. Perhaps he’s doing the same, and their smiles crescendo. It’s true—it doesn’t feel right that they can’t be together. Maybe one day ...
... or in another life. Miles and Lillian come to mind, how their love echoed through time. Will there be another couple one day sharing these same feelings, carrying over the fire once ignited by a couple in 1881? Or was there someone before them? What a mystery life and love are, but Charli’s sure about one thing, she’s glad to be a part of them.
“So this is it,” Charli says. “This feels like a good time for me to stick out my hand.” She does so.
He laughs. “You’re gonna shake my hand?”
“Seems like a logical move. I mean, unless you wanna go back to your place.”
They break into laughter, the last one they may share for a while. They kiss, and Charli doesn’t want to stop, doesn’t want to let go. He apparently doesn’t either.
Their kisses turn into one last hug. “Not a day will go by that I don’t think about you,” Noah whispers into her ear.
“Yeah, me too.”
This really is it.
They let go, both backing away slowly, as if they’re waiting for something to keep them together. She doesn’t want to turn away.
“Bye,” he says.
“Bye.”
Another few steps.
“Bye,” she whispers.
He waves, a slow, steady, agonizing gesture. “Bye.”
Charli takes in one last look at this man who has changed her life. She takes a snapshot of him and this moment in her mind, capturing the feeling and the look and the absolute essence of love. No matter what the future holds, they will always share this boundless love. Not even the Atlantic Ocean could extinguish it.
She finally turns away and directs her attention toward the train station.
It’s time to go home.