Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-one
JESSE
Everything he thought he knew was gone. The picture he’d built up of Matt, the quiet time they’d shared last night—he’d created something in his head that had never been what he thought.
Matt was no different from anyone else. It never did matter to anyone what Jesse wanted.
He folded his arms as Matt left, holding himself together because he was shaking. He wasn’t sure if it was anger or shock. He hadn’t expected Matt to lay hands on him. Not in that way.
His skin was too tight—he was itching to shift.
To run far and free, armed with his teeth and claws.
But damn it, Matt was right that leaving the house now would be the most boneheaded thing Jesse had done since letting Matt dismantle his defenses.
No, he just had to get through tonight. Tomorrow, in daylight and with those wolves gone, he could get to the nearest truck stop and catch a ride so far away that no wolf could ever track him.
He just had to get through until then. And find a way to stop shaking.
“Jesse?” Tristan’s voice behind him, soft and uncertain.
It sliced through Jesse’s spiraling emotions, his urge to shift and run. “What?” He didn’t turn around, and it didn’t escape his unamused notice that he was acting just like Matt.
“I know it’s tough, not being out there when the rest of them are, but Matt knows what he’s doing.”
At that, Jesse did turn around. He stared disbelievingly at Tristan, who was standing there filled with the naive trust that his alpha was always right.
“Did it hurt, losing your balls? Or haven’t you noticed they’re gone?” Jesse heard himself say, bitter and sharp, and way too cruel to say to Tristan. He didn’t even mean it, not really. He was just so fucking angry at Matt, at himself, at the whole damn situation.
Tristan’s warm eyes were wounded for a moment, but then he put his shoulders back and squared off. Not quite such a tame wolf as Jesse had thought him.
“He’s our alpha,” Tristan said. “He always looks out for his pack. Everything he does is to protect us.” His brow furrowed, and Jesse could see that quick mind of his at work. “Did you think he just bosses us around? That we lick his boots just because he’s alpha? I can think for myself, you know.”
Jesse didn’t want to fall out with Tristan, who’d been nothing but welcoming, but he wasn’t putting up with this shit. “You’re sayin’ he takes it well when you disagree with him? I seen that temper of his. What I ain’t seen is any one of you standing up to him.”
“Because there’s been nothing to disagree with him about!” Tristan flung his hands in the air in exasperation. Jesse flinched again. Seemed like he still wasn’t over Urban grabbing him.
“But yeah, if one of us had concerns about a decision he’d made, of course he’d listen,” Tristan declared.
Jesse wasn’t convinced. Earlier, he’d witnessed the power that flared so bright and hot in Matt when he was giving his orders, and he understood now why even Christian and Karl obeyed him.
Tristan made a frustrated noise that sounded more like a bull elephant than a wolf. “I don’t get it, Jesse. If you think that little of Matt, why on earth are you sleeping with him? Why are you still here?”
He turned around and left, stalking along the hallway in a manner that was so un-Tristan that Jesse felt bad for making him feel that way.
“You haven’t heard of casual sex?” he muttered. “S’not like we were dating.”
He slumped into the nearest chair, running his hands through his hair in frustration. He didn’t think so little of Matt. At least, he hadn’t, not until Matt had broken his trust and grabbed him. Being grabbed like that, without warning—yeah, that had always been the first step to worse.
But he’d done it to stop Jesse being a reckless asshole who’d have gone out there and gotten himself killed, a small and very unwelcome part of his brain told him.
And something else clicked into place. Matt didn’t protect just because he was an alpha, because it was his job.
He protected fiercely, with everything he was.
Like a man trying to make up for something, for a failure he couldn’t forgive himself for.
And if he’d overstepped with Jesse, maybe that was why.
As he replayed their conversation, he dug the tips of his fingers into his scalp, needing the pressure to keep himself from flying apart. He’d been so furious over Matt grabbing him, he’d skipped right over what Matt had said—they were mates.
It was bullshit. Must be. Mates were just some old wives’ tale, a way to strip away choice, control. Jesse didn’t buy into that crap. Urban had just been trying anything to get him to obey.
But the thought didn’t sit right. Matt wasn’t a liar.
So maybe Matt actually believed it, but that didn’t make it true. If nothing else, Jesse was supposed to believe fate had paired him with a bossy, snarky alpha? Yeah, right. There was no universe in which that could ever work.
A bossy, snarky alpha who, for all his faults, was out there protecting him. Jesse’s stomach tightened. He still didn’t know exactly who was after him or why. Maybe no one was. But Matt thought the threat was real. So did Karl.
Jesse needed to prepare for what might be coming. He’d need to be ready to fight or to run. And he’d make damn sure Tristan was ready, too.
* * *
Jesse prowled the silent house all night.
Tristan had gone to bed around midnight, pale and anxious but not fighting Jesse’s suggestion.
He promised to wake Tristan later so he could take his turn on watch, but when it came to it, he didn’t.
Jesse knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep, and all that would happen would be both of them feeling exhausted come morning.
The house creaked sometimes, and each time it did, Jesse’s heart stuttered. Worst of it was, he didn’t know what was going on out there. He’d peered out through the windows, seeing the moonlight-washed yard, but there was no sign of anything, save a few raccoons on a midnight amble.
He froze at the sound of something on the roof, then forced himself to relax when he realized it was the pitter-patter of tiny feet. A rat, maybe. Definitely not a wolf.
Everything was gray in the half-light before dawn when Jesse next stared out the kitchen window. Surely, with the coming of the sun, the pack would return to the house. Some of them, at least. Matt, at least.
Surely Matt wouldn’t leave him here alone.
He was aware of the movement before he could make out exactly what he was seeing in the dim light. When he saw the big wolf heading toward the house, his breath left him as if he’d been punched, his heart slamming against his ribs. He knew it was Matt, felt it in a place too deep for words.
God alive, Matt as a wolf was beautiful. He was the most beautiful thing Jesse had ever seen. He was big, rangy, and powerfully muscled, with his sleek, light-colored coat looking almost blond.
Something tugged sharply inside Jesse, making his knees weak. He pressed a hand to the counter, suddenly dizzy.
No.
But there it was, bright and sharp and undeniable. He wanted to be out there, running beside his mate under the moon.
No, goddammit no.
He clutched the edge of the counter like it could anchor him, keep him upright as the world came apart around him. Because Matt was his mate. Goddamn it, Matt was his mate.
Jesse turned away and slid to the floor, his back against the cabinets. His breath came fast, too shallow to fill his lungs. The room spun wildly, as his heart hammered. It was like something inside him had broken loose, huge and terrifying, too big to fit back inside his chest.
It wasn’t just about Matt. It was about everything Jesse had refused to believe in. Everything he’d mocked or dismissed or shoved aside because he couldn’t afford to want it. Couldn’t afford to need it.
But it was real. It was real. He’d been alone so long.
Always. And that was the way he liked it, or so he’d convinced himself.
Now, suddenly, everything had changed and he knew that if he left here tomorrow, there’d always be a part of him he’d left behind.
Matt was Jesse’s. Had always been, somehow, even before Jesse had known it. Just as Jesse was his.
His breath was coming in sharp, painful pants, and he had to do that breathing exercise he’d taught Tristan, because panic got in the way of everything, even the ability to fight. But goddamn it, Jesse Turner didn’t belong to anyone.
Just like Matt Urban didn’t, he realized. Neither of them owned one another. They just belonged together. And that was all there was to it.
Jesse’s chest ached with something he wasn’t ready to name, but it ran deep.
Matt was beautiful. Not only to look at but in the way he was steady in a world that had always kept Jesse off-balance.
Even when Jesse pushed him, Matt was patient in ways he’d never known anyone to be.
He was the best man Jesse had ever met, and he was everything Jesse had never let himself want.
He let out a slow, shaky breath and dragged his hand through his hair. What the hell was he supposed to do with a truth he couldn’t outrun?