CHAPTER ONE #2
Louisa knew that Emily would not remember this in later years, but she did not want her departure from the ancestral home of the Henleys to be one where she was among servants and dressing cases like a piece of luggage, though she was as relieved as her mama that Emily showed neither an inclination to fidget, nor to be unwell.
She knew also that her mama felt that children, especially before they might be expected to converse in full sentences, should only be presented for a few minutes each day to their mama to be smiled upon, and of course for it to be seen that the nursemaid was doing her job properly.
Lady Felmersham had had little contact with her children until they could be ‘interesting’, and certainly not in toddlerhood, when they were likely to behave erratically and want to touch things.
For Louisa, however, her child was the focus of her life, the object of her love.
The nursery, where her husband would never have thought to set foot, was an oasis of happiness in her life, and she had stolen happy hours there.
Both her mama and mama-in-law had been horrified that she had fed the baby herself, and there had been a very vocal argument with her lord, who had forbidden her to do what was obviously ‘disgusting and common’.
Louisa had carried on regardless. It had been something else chalked up upon the slate of ‘wilful and disobedient’, and, as time went on, ‘unworthy’.
The marriage had not been happy, although for her part, Louisa had entered it with high hopes, and under the 15impression that Lord Dembleby was, if not wildly in love with her, certainly very tenderly disposed.
He had courted her with the expressions of devotion a young lady would consider evidence of affection, protestations that were proven empty once the knot was tied.
Within a couple of months his interest in her was confined to whether or not she might be increasing, and efforts to ensure that this might be the case.
He had been ‘very pleased with her’ when she had discovered that she was pregnant, and even more ‘displeased’ when she had lost the baby a couple of months afterwards.
At a time when she had needed support, all she had received was blame, and she had realised that, to him, she was essentially an object, to satisfy his needs when he did not do so elsewhere, and most essentially to provide the next Lord Dembleby.
It was hardly surprising that upon the birth of a reviled daughter, she had focused her life upon her.
When the carriage passed out of the gates of the estate, Louisa had given a deep sigh of relief.
Returning to the home of her childhood was not going to be a backward step, but one towards her freedom.
She must not see it as being trapped, for that was what she had been these last five years.
She drifted into a reverie in which she had a nice little house all of her own, with no constraints upon where she must go, or who must or must not be invited to dinner.
Widowhood was not like being a spinster, as far as Society was concerned.
Society might not be very interested in her, but she would not have to have a chaperone at her shoulder, or ask permission to go out, or to buy a hat or even a horse. She would be patient.
16‘… and if you are very fortunate, Frederick Brailes might be persuaded … he always showed a marked fondness for you …’
Louisa blinked, and caught up with her mama’s conversation, which she had been hearing, but to which she had not been listening.
‘Such things are not for now, my dear,’ admonished Lord Felmersham, gently, seeing his daughter’s shock.
‘Nor for the future, Mama. Listen to yourself. You were all but barring the gates to Mr Brailes before I was brought out, not that I had any interest in him. Now you are saying I would be “very fortunate” if he were to renew his interest? Well, let us be clear upon one thing. I shall not enter the married state again, ever.’ This was said with an air of finality, and a great deal of defiance.
‘You are distraught, but …’
‘Distraught? Mama, I am jubilant.’
‘Really, Louisa, you simply cannot say such a thing.’ Her sire frowned.
‘Not in public, sir, perhaps, but it is how I feel. I have been liberated. Why, having experienced the barred cage, the … the suffocation of marriage, would I seek it again?’
‘A woman needs a man to guide her,’ averred Lady Felmersham.
‘This woman most certainly does not.’ Louisa snorted, and held her head high.
‘Oh dear me. I am not sure that my nerves will stand it.’ Lady Felmersham sniffed into her handkerchief. ‘Just promise me you will not reveal such sentiments to anyone else. Anyone. What would be said?’
17‘I care not.’
‘Then you are a fool, my girl.’ Lord Felmersham decided that if his daughter was going to be so frank, then it must be met with equal frankness.
‘Speak out in such intemperate terms and you will find yourself ostracised. You look forward to “freedom”, but being “free” will be meaningless if you are avoided by decent company for being outrageous. Think also of this …’ His tone softened, for he was very fond of his elder daughter.
‘Whatever unpleasantness existed in your marriage with Dembleby, the man is dead, and it ought to be buried with him. Making it known, publicising it in any way, will not only harm your reputation, but in the longer term will reflect upon Emily. She is too young to recall him. What are you going to say to her as she grows? Even if her father did ignore her, is it kind to tell her?’
‘No.’ Louisa closed her eyes and sighed. ‘But I shall not exchange my widowed state for the bonds of marriage, Papa. Of that you can be certain.’