CHAPTER EIGHT #3
‘I apologise.’ He looked her straight in the eye.
‘You are right. I was being flippant and it was inappropriate. Yet I fear you would be as displeased if I told you that I think you a wholly remarkable and admirable woman, and that 129I shall never forget your care, sense and compassion last night.’
‘Please, no …’ She held up her hand, and turned her face away, colouring.
‘You see? I said it would be so.’
‘It is I who am in your debt, Major Barkby, as you well know.’ The words seemed dragged from her.
‘No, I do not.’ The levity left his voice.
‘You did not come banging upon the door of Woodend Hall pleading to be protected. I came to you, and took over your home and your servants, caused a great deal of commotion, and even smashed one of your windows, and then bled over your floor. What cause have you to thank me? None,’ he ended with a touch of bitterness.
‘I …’ She felt awful. He did not deserve to be treated like this. ‘I am sorry, so very sorry.’ Her hand went to her cheek. ‘I cannot explain …’
‘Try.’
She stepped back into the morning room, and he followed her, shutting the door behind them. It was pristine, and had no associations with the night.
‘Major Barkby, I am not a nice woman.’
‘I am not sure you would be the best judge of that, ma’am.’
‘I mean it. I … have no cause to think well of men, and … do not.’
‘Without being impertinent, Lady Dembleby, it would appear your marriage was less than … idyllic, but not all men are …’. He struggled to find the right word.
‘Idyllic?’ she said sharply. ‘I was nothing more than … 130a brood mare.’ Her eyes flashed a challenge. ‘Do I shock you by my lack of delicacy, sir? My father said I must not mention how I hated my marriage because I would be shunned for speaking.’
‘I am perhaps shocked, a little, but not in the way you think. Since you are “indelicate”, may I be equally so, and say it sounds very much as though you have experienced marriage, but not love.’
She frowned, but not in anger, pondering his idea as if it were some deep philosophy.
‘No, I have not felt love. I told myself that I did, but in truth it was relief. I was relieved that in my second Season I had achieved every woman’s aim.
’ She sighed. ‘He said all the right things, of course, but they were only words learnt to be performed like the steps of a dance.’ She laughed, but without mirth.
‘Once, after we were married, he said he had nearly decided against me because of my “awful” hair.’
‘But it is glorious.’ The words escaped him, rather hoarsely, before he could contain them. She looked at him with lips compressed. ‘I am sorry … I did not mean …’
‘Oh no, I did not think you meant them, Major.’
‘No, I did mean them, but it was impertinent to say so.’ He flushed, but did not break eye contact, which surprised her. The look defied her to disbelieve him, and she found that she could not do so. Instead it was her eyes that were lowered, and her voice also.
‘We, women, are brought up to marry and bear children. It is for men’s benefit, and the “sop” we are offered is to have the running of a house, the social status of being “the 131wife of”.
Well, I have experienced it, and excepting the joy of my daughter, it was not worth being treated as inferior, as a possession, at best a child to be given “treats” for good behaviour, and penalties for error.
’ She was talking to herself now, more than to Major Barkby.
‘There were times when I thought of putting an end to my life to escape, but that I could not abandon my child, whom I love above all things, to be left without love or affection. When Dembleby died, it was as though I had been released from a prison. What madness would it be to walk into a cell once more and hear the key turn in the lock? I shall not be beguiled a second time.’
‘I have never been married, nor yet considered marriage’– Barkby looked grim – ‘but I cannot conceive doing so without wishing for the lady to be my companion in all things, neither “inferior” nor a “possession”.’
‘Then you are remarkable among men, sir.’
‘Oh, I am remarked upon, ma’am, most frequently, commonly by children in the street who ask their mothers if a wild beast bit my hand. Adults merely stare for a moment and then studiously avoid it.’ He chose not to pursue his feelings upon the married state.
‘I have seen, and will do neither, sir,’ she whispered. ‘I find it terrible, because I realise that it must alter so much of the simple things in life for you, things we take for granted. I should not enquire, but … how came you by such a wound?’
He made a fist with his left hand. ‘It is because of how I was holding my sabre at the time. We, the 4th, charged as part of poor Le Marchant’s brigade into the French infantry, 132who were unprepared for us, and already in disarray.
They were routed, but knots of men tried to stand.
I think I was wounded towards the end. A musket ball went through my calf and brought down my poor horse.
I was lucky the old fellow did not roll on me, but getting up was difficult, with the injured leg.
I was able to grab my sabre as a French officer came at me, and I put up my defence, but at such an angle that his blade managed to slice the fingers off where they bent, despite the guard.
He expected to take me prisoner, I am sure.
Just then one of his men came at me from behind with his bayonet, and would have done for me, but for the fact that this Frenchman parried it at the last, and the point merely took me across the shoulder.
Ironic that the fellow cost me my fingers but saved my life. ’
‘But you were not taken prisoner.’
‘No, for the Frenchman realised that I could barely stand, and he needed to make his escape with some haste. He saluted, declared “Courage, mon brave”, and disappeared. I felt somewhat faint, and besides, playing dead might keep me from another bayonet. I think perhaps I then did swoon, for I have no memory until I was roused by one of my troopers, who found me, thank God. Being left upon a field of battle overnight is a thing to dread.’
‘It must be awful, with untended wounds.’
‘If only it were but that. There are scavengers, men and women, who will strip a man of boots, private possessions, anything, and frequently finish off a wounded man.’ He saw that she had paled. ‘Now that, ma’am, truly is not fit for a lady’s morning room, and I ought not to have said it.’
‘I think I am glad that you did, Major. It means I 133understand, just a little.’ She held out her left hand to his, and took it firmly. ‘Forgive me. I must seem petulant, and self-pitying, when there are those who suffer so much.’
He wanted to say that he could forgive her anything, but did not.
‘I will avail myself of sustenance, Lady Dembleby, but do not order your carriage. I am fit to ride old Jester, and if I were to be conveyed home by carriage my mama would be cast into a panic.’
‘Yes, I see.’ There was an awkwardness that followed their mutual revelations that neither knew how to resolve. She therefore rang for Leece, and arranged for ham, eggs and coffee for her guest.
At noon she watched from the drawing-room window as he trotted down the drive, his scarlet jacket contrasting with the soft grey of a dull November day. Hetty Goodworth, now recovered from her nerves, sighed.
‘Well, at least that is all over,’ she said with relief.
Louisa felt that it was not all over, not at all.