Chapter 26
This sunset wedding was going to be beautiful and Toni would have to find a way to endure it, to pretend she wasn’t moved.
She was relieved Reshma was there to lead the practical part of the rehearsal, showing the bride how to walk at the right pace, where they would stand, and timing everything against the rapid descent of the sun.
Alison Falkirk laughed and joked, pretending to be wearing her gown, while Nathaniel choked up and the bridesmaids looked on indulgently.
Gabri had disappeared and Toni was trying not to wonder what he thought about what he’d overheard. Their week together had been an even greater aberration than she’d thought. He would never survive the complexities of her life, even if he had unexpectedly tolerated her son.
By the time she trudged back up the path to the little cabin, her feet were anvils – as heavy as her heart – and she just wanted to hug Cillian and remind herself of the important things in life, but he was already fast asleep.
Daphne sat alone at the table under the hanging lamp with her crossword magazine.
‘Why did you let him spend so much time with Gabri today?’ Toni blurted out instead of a greeting.
Daphne’s smile died. ‘I didn’t think it would be a problem.’
‘Gabri doesn’t like kids,’ she explained with a huff.
Her mother’s indignant expression would have been amusing at any other time. ‘Why not?’
‘Because they’re emotionally draining.’ Toni plonked herself down into a chair.
Daphne blinked in confusion. ‘People are emotionally draining.’
‘He would probably agree with you on that.’
‘Hmph,’ was Daphne’s only response at first. ‘I didn’t get the impression that he didn’t like Cilli. He even carried him back to the shop for a plaster when he hurt his knee at the rock pool.’
‘He what? Did it bleed?’
‘Yes, a little,’ Daphne asked, her tone mystified now.
‘And Gabri still carried him? And let him follow him around this afternoon at the hotel?’ If Toni was barely keeping her own trauma below the surface in the face of the sentimentality of the wedding, how had Gabri managed to swallow his and spend time with Cillian?
‘What is all this about, Tone? I want to give you your privacy, but—’
Toni snorted, cutting her off. ‘You also gave me condoms – and maybe ideas – and that’s what I get for listening to my mother.’
‘It sounds like you had the ideas all by yourself. I just don’t know why you thought the elaborate ruse with your “girlfriend” Gabri was necessary. Did you think I would judge you?’
‘I—’ Toni began in her defence, but the truth was too embarrassing to admit, even to the woman who had watched all of Toni’s legendary performances as Sporty Spice when she’d been Cillian’s age. ‘It wasn’t a ruse. I thought he was a woman!’ she eventually blurted out.
At least that silenced Daphne for a few moments, her mouth dropping open like a blossoming flower in a time-lapse video.
‘But the fact that I have to explain myself just shows what an awful idea it was to sleep with him,’ Toni continued emphatically.
‘I deluded myself into thinking he was a woman for a year, but the bigger delusion was thinking I could have that week without emotional consequences. My whole damn life is an emotional consequence!’
As usual, there was nothing Daphne could say to that. Toni, the widow, the conversation killer. If there was a twinge of guilt that perhaps she’d used her situation to end the conversation on purpose, she felt sorry enough for herself to allow it.
When Daphne finally spoke, all she said was, ‘Well, I’m glad I gave you those condoms.’
The boy was quiet today – the kind of quiet that drilled holes in a person.
He’d seen them coming from the beach that morning, Cillian’s bucket full of treasures and his stringy hair wet. When Daphne had tried to direct him away and limit the interaction to a stiff greeting, the imaginary foot that had been pressing on his chest since yesterday evening had dug in again.
Toni didn’t want flowers. That’s what she’d said.
Whether she’d meant the heat-of-the-moment statement for him, spoken when she was obviously upset, he couldn’t be certain, but he needed to pull back from all of this – from her and her family.
He needed some of the boundaries she was able to erect so solidly around her own heart.
But the boy…
Instead of boundaries, he had insisted he didn’t mind Cillian’s company and he got himself an assistant as he began work on the arch in the function room at the hotel.
A very quiet assistant, who obviously had a head full of racing thoughts and no intention of voicing them, which strung Gabri even tighter.
‘I’ve got most of the flowers back in my cool room, but the foliage will keep until tomorrow,’ he said, mostly to fill the silence. Cillian was more interested in the wooden construction at the base of the arch that Gabri would need to cover. ‘This is eucalyptus. It has a strong smell.’
Gabri held it out and Cillian sniffed it, but wrinkled his nose.
‘Why is this covered in sponges?’ Cillian asked – a relief to Gabri’s jangled nerves after all the silence.
‘Flowers wilt very quickly when they’re out of water,’ he explained. ‘Many florists use a special foam that soaks up water and can hold the flowers in place. It works well, but then you have to throw away the foam and it’s full of microplastics. Do you know what microplastics are?’
The boy shook his head.
‘Ehm, they’re not good for the environment – or people. Anyway, the sponges don’t hold as much, so I’ll have to give water several times tomorrow, but these will compost.’
‘Are microplastics bad for baby turtles?’
‘Perhaps not as bad as larger pieces of plastic waste in the ocean,’ Gabri answered as he slipped the next eucalyptus twig into the wire encasing the base of the arbour. ‘Turtles sometimes get caught in floating trash and they can’t get free.’
That was the wrong thing to say. Cillian’s eyes were huge with alarm as he turned them on Gabri. He had no idea how Toni dealt with this every day.
‘Many of the turtles survive,’ he insisted, backtracking far too late.
‘Many of…’
Christ, he should have stayed well away from Cillian – as Toni had wanted. ‘I’m sorry. That’s upsetting.’
With an enormous sniff, Cillian shook his head, pressing his lips together as his chin wobbled. ‘I know animals die,’ he said solemnly and there went another chunk of Gabri’s heart. Merda, he had not wanted any of this.
Returning to the task of transforming wood and poles and chicken wire into the wedding arch of Alison and Nathaniel’s dreams, the texture of the leaves, the shades of green, were soothing as always, but he was more aware than usual that the calm was temporary.
His churning feelings were still there underneath.
‘The bride and groom have chosen a theme with the antique rose colour,’ he continued – distraction for himself as well as Cillian.
‘It will have some accents in dark pink and yellow and the eucalyptus creates the bridge between the pink and the green of the rest of the foliage. Especially with wedding flowers, the combination needs to be elaborate and create interest, but not overwhelm.’
Cillian’s eyes glazed over at the long-winded explanation, so Gabri gave up explaining his work and let the boy fiddle with the metal poles he hadn’t got to yet.
‘If you want to tell me something, you can,’ Gabri eventually said with a sigh. ‘I might pass it on to your mamma, if I think it’s important, but whatever it is, you’re allowed to say it.’
Cillian didn’t react for long enough that Gabri began to think he’d messed up – again. But then Toni’s son lifted his gaze with a puzzled frown. ‘I know you’re not Mum’s boyfriend, but you also can’t tell me you’re just a friend, like Andreas.’
‘Who’s Andreas?’
‘He’s my dad’s best friend. He hugs Mum sometimes but not like you.’
He shouldn’t have asked.
‘Cillian,’ he began, ‘I won’t lie to you, but I don’t know what your mamma wants you to understand. I am her friend.’
‘Will you come and see us at home, then?’
That question landed on him with more impact than he expected. ‘Probably not.’ Not after everything that had happened.
Cillian seemed to accept his brutally honest answer, although he didn’t return Gabri’s gaze.
After a minute of two of silence, he set the metal poles down on the table and took a step back.
‘I don’t think you are a real friend,’ he declared. ‘I think you hurt Mum’s feelings and you won’t say sorry and I don’t know why she likes you!’
His composure crumbled and he ran from the room, leaving Gabri reeling. He hadn’t intended for any of this to happen, but he and Toni had hurt each other and saying sorry wouldn’t fix anything.
He had no argument with the last part.