Chapter 30
30
Andreas leaned on the bar at the hotel with an espresso cup next to him, lost in thought as he waited for Sophie in the early evening the following day. The wedding was tomorrow. After a washout today that had meant a change of plans for the bachelor party, the forecast was better for Friday, as though Sophie had submitted a weather request as part of the wedding paperwork. It would be hot and he’d warned the group that they needed to depart early, but otherwise conditions looked fairly harmless for this wild wedding.
Lily and Roman had decided to go ahead with the Cima Rocca climb. They’d wanted to celebrate what Lily was capable of and she wanted to see her pregnancy as part of that strength, not a return to ill-health.
Andreas had to admit the week had been something special. He was in awe of Sophie for making it happen, so quietly and efficiently, and yet with her whole heart.
Roman wandered in from the terrace and caught sight of him, approaching with a smile that Andreas warily returned. A giddy groom was not usually his idea of good company. Bachelor parties were often raucous and occasionally bawdy, but Roman was so gratingly in love with his fiancée that when the others had joked about girlfriends past and present, they’d watched their words around him.
He’d noted the tension in Tom, the late arrival who’d caused Sophie to give up her room. Andreas would have to make sure Tom and Lucia were nowhere near each other for the via ferrata tomorrow.
Shaking Roman’s hand firmly, Andreas offered the groom an espresso out of habit, but Roman demurred. ‘Thanks for today. It was a shame we had to cancel the climb, but I always wanted to try canyoning, so maybe the rain was a blessing in disguise.’
Andreas shrugged and mumbled something about doing his job.
‘I’ll have to go again with Lily when… you know.’ He leaned his forearms on the bar but straightened again. Then he copied Andreas’s stance, elbows back, reclining. He sent Andreas a sheepish look. ‘I am a bit nervous, to be honest.’
‘Why?’
Roman laughed and slapped him on the arm. ‘Because it’s my wedding tomorrow.’
‘But aren’t you already legally married? And you and Lily… you’re like an old married couple already.’
‘Yeah, signing the marriage register was a pretty big moment too, but there’s something about the words, about speaking them aloud – especially up there in nature, somewhere important to both of us.’
Andreas wished the words hadn’t touched him. There’s something about the words… Legal documents could be legally struck down. Marriage could be undone, but words could never be unsaid.
He continually wanted to say things to Sophie, but the words were dangerous.
‘And we’ll exchange the rings, of course – something traditional to show it’s really serious.’
Andreas understood that statement too. He’d understood it in that market in Islamabad eight years ago, although he’d called himself a fool a hundred times afterwards for buying the stupid thing – the stupid thing he’d taken out of his sock drawer and brought with him, even though there was no chance of needing it.
‘And you’re off on an expedition after the wedding?’ Roman asked.
Andreas answered with a nod.
‘How does Sophie feel when you’re away?’
He froze, his jaw working. He wanted to insist they weren’t together, that she wouldn’t feel anything, but after the past few days when he’d barely been able to stay away from her, Roman would never believe him. ‘I don’t know,’ he said, rather foolishly.
Roman eyed him. ‘You know life is short, right? You of all people should understand that.’
Knowing his voice wouldn’t work if he tried to say anything, he just nodded again. He experienced the fragility of life every time he scaled a rock face – every time he thought of his best friend.
‘I nearly lost Lily last year,’ Roman continued.
‘I know,’ Andreas replied.
‘It was awful. We’d just moved in together and we couldn’t agree on anything. I wondered whether we’d made a mistake, committing to each other. Then suddenly, she was lying in hospital instead of our bed and to be perfectly honest, I didn’t want that either. There was a moment I wished I’d broken up with her before it happened.’
Andreas flinched, more disturbed by the honesty than he would have expected.
‘But it didn’t matter in the end. It was too late. I missed the little arguments about the dishwasher. I realised it was her way of problem-solving and it worked and I missed how we were together. That sounds selfish, but grief is selfish. It has to be.’
That sentence was another punch in the gut. Andreas’s grief had been extremely selfish. He’d taken a lot of responsibility for Cillian and Toni, but that was practical responsibility. Emotionally… he’d not managed more than self-preservation since he’d feebly tried to reach out to Sophie and she hadn’t received his message.
God, what an idiot he’d been, blaming her for his own fear – his loneliness. He’d spent eight years trying to convince himself he’d been wrong to reach out to her, that he couldn’t have felt for her everything that he’d thought he had.
But he’d been right, the day he’d landed in Islamabad and realised – a few days late – that he should have married her, should have done anything to keep her in his life.
‘I was lucky,’ Roman said with a distant smile. ‘But I wish she hadn’t had to go through all of that before I realised how much she meant to me.’ He eyeballed Andreas. It wasn’t a subtle hint, but Andreas suspected subtle wouldn’t have been enough to punch through his tough hide. ‘Are you going to talk to her?’
He’d already done more talking than he’d known he was capable of. He thought of the bet, the gemstone that represented all his hurt pride and fear – and grief. He’d never cry at a wedding and he hadn’t intended to tell her those secrets.
But part of him wanted to, even though he was terrified of what would happen if he admitted how he’d felt when he’d left for Gasherbrum. The confession would be eight years too late. Sophie wanted a husband and a dog – and maybe a child, if that happened. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Maybe she wanted him enough to give him some time to think about those possibilities? Maybe she’d be there when he came back, even though it pained him to ask that of her.
He clapped Roman on the shoulder. ‘Let’s get you married first,’ he said gruffly. ‘She’d kill me for distracting her at work.’
‘And you think Lily and I are like an old married couple!’
* * *
Andreas was quiet on the drive back to Marniga in the Panda. He’d answered in monosyllables when she’d asked how the bachelor party had been. His expression was even grimmer than usual. Sophie tried to ignore him as she swiped through tabs on her device.
As she’d spend most of the day tomorrow up a mountain, she had to make sure the last-minute arrangements for the reception were in place. She’d spent the day collecting decorations and the wedding favours the couple had selected from a local artist, making payments and last-minute checks with the caterer and florist.
‘Have you sorted out the equipment?’ she asked absently.
‘Kira’s doing it now. She said she’d pack some stuff into your rental car, since we’re still on our way.’ Kira had taken the rental car back to Marniga earlier while Andreas had waited for Sophie to finish at the reception venue.
‘I’ll need to head up to the florist first thing tomorrow. I hope she’s left space in the car.’
‘I can drive you up.’
‘I need to leave at six.’
‘Six?’
‘I didn’t think that was early for you. It’s not a summit push leaving at 2a.m.’
He eyed her. ‘What do you know about summit pushes?’
‘There are things called outdoor magazines. Some of them even occasionally feature things about you that you don’t talk about.’
His lips thinned even further.
Sophie gritted her teeth and explained. ‘The collection time is so early because you insisted we need to start out from the hotel at eight. I had to make special arrangements with the florist.’
‘I won’t risk being on the via ferrata above thirty degrees with that group,’ he said defensively.
‘I know. Safety first.’ She breathed out through her nose. ‘Is it the wedding that’s bothering you?’
His response was barely half a shrug. She shouldn’t have expected anything more. This was Andreas, after all. The anomaly had been the past two days. She was still surprised he’d admitted changing his plans to fit in the wedding.
‘How’s it all going?’
She blinked at the unexpected question. ‘If you’re asking about the arrangements, they’re all fairly straightforward. The advantage of this wedding adventure idea is the necessity for simplicity. No need to set up chairs, no chance the bower will blow over in the wind, no last-minute delays when Grandma misses her bus. It’s like an Agatha Christie wedding: all the guests are already gathered in a single hotel and all we have to do is marry the right ones.’
She snorted a laugh at her own joke, but Andreas just glanced at her doubtfully.
‘I know, you and Kira have the difficult job of keeping everyone safe.’
‘It won’t be a problem. The worst that will happen is that someone will get lost because they’re not paying attention and miss the ceremony. Once they’re on the via ferrata, at least they’re stuck where they are.’
‘So we can make sure we marry the right ones,’ she joked again.
He still didn’t laugh. ‘You’re marrying them.’
‘That’s right, while you stand to the side with a box of tissues to mop up your tears.’ She’d expected him to at least react to her teasing, but his expression only tightened further so she changed the subject. ‘Roman was a little disappointed you aren’t intending to come to the reception.’
‘I would have thought he’d appreciate saving the money.’
‘I’m pretty sure he’d think it was worth it for the great Andreas Hinterdorfer to attend his wedding.’
The sound Andreas made, between a scoff and a snort, was pained. ‘He’s well aware I’m not “the great” anything.’
Sophie peered at him. ‘Did something happen?’
‘No,’ he insisted too quickly. ‘But you know I’m not so great in real life.’
She considered his words, thinking back to when he’d walked into the meeting room at Great Heart and effortlessly turned her life upside down again. ‘I suppose people can’t be good at everything and you’ve chosen what you want to succeed at.’
His quick glance was dark with meaning. ‘And what I’ve chosen to forego.’
‘Yes, exactly.’ Her voice lost strength. He was thinking about them again. She didn’t want to go there yet. She only had two more nights to pretend and tomorrow, she’d be so tired, she’d barely notice her last night in his bed.
‘Did you really…?’ He trailed off.
‘Are you going to actually finish your question? Be brave,’ she prompted him with a dry look.
‘Did you really break up with Rory because of me?’
That was not what she’d expected him to say. Her heart stuttered. ‘Andreas, do we have to?—?’
‘I’ve been wanting to ask since Monday. I keep thinking about it.’
‘Why? What difference does it make?’
‘I don’t know,’ he snapped. ‘When did you separate? How many years was it, after I… turned you down?’
‘Five,’ she answered peevishly. ‘But don’t worry. It’s not your fault.’ She didn’t want him digging into her motives right now, when she was walking a tightrope of her own feelings. She’d loved him – she might still love him – but it would never be enough.
‘Did you get together with Rory because of me? Because I hurt you?’
Oh God, she hoped not. ‘I’m not that much of an idiot.’
‘I’m not suggesting you are,’ he said. ‘It’s just that things between us are different from how I thought back then. I’m trying to understand what it all means – the fact that you would have come to the airport if you’d got the message. That maybe you still thought about me years later.’
‘Of course I thought about you! It’s natural. We had a pretty intense relationship, but we can’t change the past. Maybe at first, Rory and I bonded over a mutual resentment of you,’ she admitted in a small voice. ‘But we didn’t talk about you at all after a while. Only at the end…’
‘The end?’ he prompted.
With a sour taste in her mouth, Sophie forced herself to continue the explanation. ‘Rory accused me of never getting over you. I wasn’t the same, bright person I’d been when we met and it wasn’t fair of me to pretend all those years.’
‘That’s bullshit,’ Andreas said, so vehemently, she jumped.
‘I know he was making excuses. He wanted to break up without shouldering all the blame, so he lashed out with something that didn’t make sense, something from the very beginning. But maybe I made a mistake, too – misjudged a rebound relationship because I didn’t know which way was up any more, when it came to love.’
He seemed to choke when she uttered the last word and she wished she could call it back.
‘We were both pretty stupid, then,’ she said softly.
‘We were,’ he agreed.
It was clear to her now that whatever she felt for him, he couldn’t love her back. He felt enough to feel guilty while still walking away from her – but it wasn’t love. And what she felt for him couldn’t be love, no matter how right that word felt to describe her precarious state. Love was like Lily and Roman – love was reciprocated.
One-sided like this, it was just pain.
‘We won’t repeat the same mistakes this time,’ she mumbled, speaking more to herself than to him.
‘No,’ he agreed firmly. ‘We should not repeat the same mistakes.’
Sophie wished his words comforted her, but they did the opposite. And when he grasped her around the waist and pulled her close as soon as they closed the bedroom door for the night, she was even more adrift. She guessed he was trying to say something with his hands and his lips. As she dropped off to sleep afterwards, his fingers traced lines on her back, along her shoulder blades and down her spine and she had the sad thought that if this wasn’t love, she didn’t know what love was.