Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
When we returned to the gatehouse for the night, having successfully snuck back out of the main house, William closed the door behind us and, then, wordlessly, caught me in his arms and held me tight. Surprised, I leaned against him and let out a long breath.
‘Another situation that requires us to be brave, dear Tegan.’ He sighed. ‘I find I am tired of bravery. I wish…’ He trailed off. ‘I don’t know what I wish.’
I knew what I wished: to be safely home, back in my own time. And if I could have taken William with me, and he would have been happy, then I would do that, too. But, I didn’t say that. I knew it was fraught with too many problems.
We were about to do something very risky, and I knew that there were many chinks in the armour of the plan that we had hatched with Aunt Bill.
Yet, there was no choice. We had to get Lady Hermione and Violet away from Trevarron House before Lord Albert returned from London, and that meant the next evening.
Neither of us had forgotten about William’s desire to somehow save Edith.
That required one or both of us to travel back to 1755 through the portal.
I wasn’t sure about how to achieve that or even whether it would be doable, and I didn’t know how to broach the subject with him right now.
For the moment, though, we had a small window of time to save Hermione and Violet, and we had to focus on that.
Lady Hermione and Miss Violet were guarded closely all day by butlers and footmen.
In the evenings, when Lord Albert was away, they were confined to their rooms, with a man standing guard at the door.
However, we had a secret weapon: Aunt Bill.
As Violet’s governess, she was allowed into her charge’s rooms as well as Lady Hermione’s, and was, she said, seen as a harmless middle-aged woman by the staff.
‘Since I found out about Violet, I’ve worked hard at makin’ myself seem as doddery an’ useless as possible,’ my aunt had said, earlier. ‘I knew that I’d ’ave to make a plan to get Violet out, an’ that’d mean gettin’ past the guards. Much easier to get past them if they don’t suspect you.’
William had shown us on the map that the door into the tunnel from Trevarron House was in the scullery.
I had been there before; it was kind of a second kitchen off the main room where the pots and dishes were washed.
The unfortunate maids whose job this was spent hours standing on slatted wooden platforms because the floor itself ran with water.
Their hands were red and ruined from being in hot water all day, but there was at least a door to the outside where they could take a break and, when there was sunlight, stand in it for a while.
The plan was that I would sneak into the house tomorrow evening.
Aunt Bill would then create a diversion.
When the men guarding Hermione and Violet went to investigate, Aunt Bill and I would get them from their rooms and take them down to the scullery and into the tunnel.
William would wait for us in the tunnels and make sure we weren’t followed.
We hadn’t specifically said the words, but I had the understanding that, if things got rough, William would nonetheless be there to deal with it.
I had no doubt that he could make mincemeat of anyone who wanted to fight him, but our aim was to get away quietly, if we could.
Aunt Bill was confident we could get Hermione and Violet down to the scullery safely and without a fuss – it was after that that she thought there might be trouble.
Or, we might need William in the tunnels, where there would be fallen rock and rubble.
We couldn’t risk losing him in a fight before then.
Since I had lived as a lady’s maid in Trevarron House, I knew the layout of ‘upstairs’ – the rooms used by William and his brother and sister – and ‘downstairs’ – the kitchens, storerooms, scullery and laundry rooms, among other functional spaces manned by a number of maids, all beavering away to ensure the smooth running of a luxurious manor house.
I’d often reflected, while doing whatever my mistress Edith Trevarron required of me, that it was totally remarkable that such a hive of activity continued daily, just to support three wealthy individuals.
What this meant was that I was best suited to work out the most secret and quickest route from Lady Hermione and Miss Violet’s chambers – they were on the second floor, and, fortunately, connected to the scullery.
I had the route set in my mind. I knew what to do.
Once we were in the tunnel, we would follow it along for about a mile until we got to the steps that led up into the kitchen at Yew Tree Cottage.
We had to trust that the tunnels were still passable; William had used them in 1755, but this was over a hundred years later.
Neither of us had any idea if they were still in use.
They might have collapsed already, and then we would have no choice but to try and get Lady Hermione and Miss Violet away from Trevarron House another way.
My nerves were jagged at the thought of what would happen if we were caught.
And, completely apart from this sudden mission of mercy that we had committed to, William and I had no idea how we could get back to either of our timelines – 1755 or the twenty-first century.
We hadn’t discussed it yet, and yet it dominated my thoughts.
I couldn’t bear to be parted from William again, but I also desperately wanted to return home. I knew neither of us wanted to talk about it, because we didn’t want to upset the other. I also knew that we had to.
‘Tegan. You are trembling.’ William frowned, holding me closer to him. ‘Please, try not to worry. I have faith we can do this.’
‘William…’ I breathed him in; his scent was calming and arousing to me in equal measure. The arousal came from the manliness of him; he smelt of woodsmoke and a light sweat, a kind of honest masculinity that spoke of strength and constancy.
But there was also just the natural smell of William: that was the calm.
That was the centre of all things, where I could be safe and protected from everything – from the daily terror and insecurity of being stuck in the wrong time.
From the doubt that I might ever get home, which I sometimes worried would rip me in two.
When I nestled my head in his chest, or laid it on his shoulder, listening to his breath coming back to normal after we had made love, it was the only time in my life that I had ever truly felt at peace.
I was so grateful he had drawn me to him; that he seemed to be thawing towards me. The thought that he would withdraw his affection from me had been terrible.
I started to cry. The upheaval and pain of the past few days was more than I could bear, and I felt the stress I’d been carrying implode in my heart, balling its way up my throat like a fist.
‘Darling, oh, my darling, my sweet one, no…’ He held me to him even more firmly. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, like a little girl would grab onto her father, desperate not to say goodbye. ‘Please, don’t cry. I am here.’ He kissed the top of my head tenderly, and then again.
‘But for how long?’ I managed to splutter, through my tears. I looked up at him, tearily. ‘William, I just found you. We just found each other. You know I have been waiting for you, and you have been waiting for me, all this time. We dreamed of each other… we…’ Emotion choked my throat.
‘I thought you’d never call me that again. Sweet one. I thought you hated me,’ I blurted, between my tears.
‘Oh, Tegan.’ He let out a long breath. ‘I am sorry that I have been distant with you. But I felt… if we were to be separated again, I could not bear to be close with you. It would make it hurt all the more. I was afraid.’
‘What changed, then?’ I nestled my face in his chest: I never wanted to stop breathing him in.
‘Sweet one, I am no coward.’ He held my face in his hands, tenderly.
His eyes brimmed with unshed tears. I’d never seen William cry before, and seeing the raw emotion in him made me even more emotional.
‘I cannot be with you and push you away at the same time. If I must lose you again, then at least I will know I gave you every part of me that I could. My heart. My body. My soul. That is bravery. That is what a man does.’
‘Your heart?’ I whispered, looking up at him.
‘You know that you have my heart,’ he replied, gruffly.
‘You have owned it since I carried you up to your room that day, when you fell off the horse. I already knew that you were the fairy woman I had dreamed of, all my life. That day, I felt a tenderness towards you that I couldn’t have predicted.
You were so beautiful, yes. But there was a deep…
recognition of you, somehow, that registered in my heart.
I knew you. I have always felt that I knew you. ’
My dream of the wedding in the woodland flashed back into my mind. Was that, somehow, a dream of William and I? But how could it have been, if it hadn’t happened yet? And if it wasn’t me in the dream, who was it?
We had not yet said that we loved each other.
There was a deep connection between us; there was undeniable chemistry, but we’d hardly had the opportunity for love to develop between us.
I’d never been in love, so I didn’t know how it felt.
But I knew that love was supposed to be something that developed over time, with trust and security.
I wanted to get to know William more. I wanted to spend more time with him.
I wanted to know what loving him really felt like, and I wanted to feel him love me.
All of those things needed time, and time always seemed to be what we had least of.
I, too, was willing to be brave and open myself to William, regardless of the outcome between us. But I also knew that we had to be honest about what lay ahead of us.
‘William… your home is in 1755. That’s your time.
My time is very different,’ I said. ‘I know that you want to go back. I understand, of course I understand! But I don’t think that I can, William.
I can’t go back there and see you hang, and even if that doesn’t happen, I can’t go back there and work as a lady’s maid to Edith for the rest of my life.
I want you. I crave you. My body, my mind, my soul needs you. But 1755 is not where I belong.’
It was hard to say the words, especially being in William’s arms. When I was next to him, close against his body, there was nothing I wanted to do more than to submit to the pleasure I knew we both wanted.
But I had to be honest. This was how I felt, and I couldn’t choke my feelings down.
‘Tegan…’ William sat on the bed and drew me to him.
I knelt on the floor, next to the gatehouse bed, and he embraced me in his arms. ‘Tegan Penrose. Since you came into my life, nothing has been straightforward. Nothing has been normal. And I thank the stars for it.’ He pushed me away from him so that he could look me in the eyes.
‘I know what you say is true. But you must understand how strong the pull of my own life is. Not least my sister’s well-being, which I know is in the past now, as we stand here.
But the thought that I failed her once again and left her to a life of torture is terrible.
And, I cannot deny, the thought of never being Lord of Trevarron ever again is… difficult.’
‘I understand that,’ I replied.
‘I know that you do. This is what pulls my soul apart. Because I am the Lord of Trevarron. I do not know how to be anything else, at any other time. But I love you. I love you with every fibre of my being. I… I loved once, before. But even then, that was different. I…’ He broke off, biting his lip.
‘You don’t have to say it. You don’t have to say anything.
’ I reached for his hands and held them in mine.
‘I… I l feel for you too, so very deeply. But I can’t yet say I love you, because I don’t know you well enough.
And, if life and time separates us again – can you understand that I don’t want to say it, if that happens?
Maybe I’m the coward.’ I wiped a tear from my cheek.
‘You are not a coward. You are the bravest woman I have known. And, yes, I understand. A woman feels deeply. A man, just as deep, but perhaps I am more willing to risk my heart. I know that your love is something I must earn, and I am willing to earn it. I am willing to wait to hear you say what I already know is true.’
He held my hands tightly in his, his wide palms and long, thick fingers enveloping mine almost completely.
‘When I was married to Elspeth… I loved her. She was a good woman, a sweet girl, a wholesome heart. The fact that it was my fault she died… I will carry that hurt with me, always. Always.’ He paused, taking a breath.
‘But, Tegan, what we have is… beyond anything I have ever known. I crave you as I crave my own salvation and the unity with something divine, outside of ourselves, and yet hidden within our hearts. You are both the pure, golden angel that guides me to fly in the heavens alongside you, and the enticing demoness that delights in pleasures I never thought any woman would.’ He stopped, searching my face for a response.
‘Tegan, I love you. I would follow you to hell. There is nowhere that I would rather be, but by your side. I need you. The rest of it… I do not know. But I need you,’ he finished. Tears ran down his cheeks. I reached up, tenderly, and wiped them away.
‘William,’ I murmured. I was unable to say anything else. I had never experienced a man saying anything like this to me, and the wave of emotion it evoked in me made me feel as if I was falling.
He pulled me onto the bed, keeping my eyes locked on his. His tears were still smeared on his cheeks.
‘Be with me now, then,’ he said, his deep voice barely concealing a trembling emotion. ‘Be with me as a wife is with her husband. Be with me as the lover I will remember for all of time, regardless of what happens after this night.’
‘Of course,’ I breathed. ‘Yes.’