51. Selena
Selena
"You're never getting another child out of me." I announce boldly as soon as they’ve all gotten into the truck. Especially after the video they showed at our Lamaze class.
"What?" They ask in almost perfect unison.
I cross my arms over my very evident stomach as carefully as I can. My belly is so round now that it feels like it's its own gravitational force.
"I mean it," I insist. "Absolutely not. Two is enough. More than enough."
Eli glances at me from the driver's seat before pulling away from the community center. "Princess..."
"No. There is no Princessing me. This is it. The baby making factory is closed."
Jay laughs from the backseat. "You haven't even had these two yet."
"Exactly!" I turn around as good as I can and point dramatically at him. "Did you see that video?"
"It wasn't that bad." Zeke speaks up from where he sits beside Jay in the backseat.
I shoot him a glare as he smiles back at me. The fucker. He’ll wipe that smile off his face when he sees that I mean what I say.
"It was horrifying."
"Selena..." Eli goes to say again.
"They showed an actual human being coming out of another human being!" My voice rises an octave. "Do you understand that? They made us watch it. In high definition."
Each of them tries to hide their laugh. Of course they’re laughing. It’s not them that’s having two whole humans coming out of their vagina. .
"I swear if any of you laugh—"
"I'm not laughing," Zeke says far too quickly.
"You are. Hiding it is still laughing.”
I groan dramatically and lean my head back against the seat. "I am having two babies. Two. At the same time." I wave both hands helplessly. "I was already terrified before today, and now they show us..." I shudder. "That."
"They wanted everyone prepared." Eli places a hand on my thigh and squeezes gently.
"I was prepared! Ignorance was working just fine for me."
The truck fills with laughter and I pout.
"This isn't funny."
"It kind of is," Jay admits.
If I could reach back to him I’d smack him upside his head. They think because they’re firemen and have delivered a few babies they know everything. Newsflash. You’re not the ones giving birth.
"You betrayed me." I snarl at him
"I held your hand the whole class." Jay says,
"You laughed." I add.
"I laughed because your commentary was funnier than the instructor."
I huff.
"The instructor said childbirth is intense. I don’t think she knows the meaning of the word. Intense is waiting in line at the DMV. That..." I shake my head violently. "That video was something out of a horror movie."
"You're going to be okay." Eli softens his voice, reassuring me. "You're stronger than you think."
I look down at my stomach. Both babies choose that exact moment to kick.
"Oh, now you're active," I mutter. "You've been listening."
Eli’s eyes are locked on my belly, a huge smile on his face.
"I just..." My voice comes out much smaller this time. "I'm scared." No one interrupts. They let me tell them just what I’m feeling, and I love that about them. "I'm scared it's going to hurt."
"We won’t lie to you Princess, It probably will," Eli says honestly.
"I'm scared something will go wrong." That’s what is really bothering me. Well, that and childbirth.
"We'll all be there. Holding your hand every inch of the way. Zeke reaches around the seat behind me, his arms wrapping around me.
"I'm scared because there's two of them."
"We know." Jay says.
"I keep hearing everyone's birth stories and somehow every single one ends with someone saying, 'But it was worth it.'" I shake my head. "Why does nobody lead with the good part?"
That earns soft laughter.
"I don't know," Eli admits. “But it will be worth it. All the pain. Every single contraction because we’ll have two healthy babies.
We sit in silence as Eli starts the car and pulls out the parking lot.
"I feel huge." I whisper, just loud enough so they can hear.
Eli takes my hand in his and pulls it to his lips, kissing my knuckles. "You are beautiful."
I shake my head. "I look like I swallowed a watermelon."
"You look like you're growing our babies." Jay says.
"I've never wanted you less because you're pregnant." Zeke says. "If anything..."
"Don't finish that sentence." I snap.
"Selena." Eli says and I glance over at him. "There is absolutely nothing about you that makes us want you any less."
"Nothing?" I ask
"Nothing." Eli answers
"I'm swollen." I start on my list of things wrong with me.
"So?" Jay says.
"My feet look like balloons."
"We'll rub them." Zeke answers.
"My back hurts."
"We'll rub it." Eli adds.
"I cry because cereal commercials are emotional."
“We’ll wipe the tears from your face.” Zeke says. ”Or cry with you, because some of them are emotional.”
I laugh through the tears threatening to spill.
“Princess, you’re gorgeous. There’s not one thing you can say that would make us love you less. You are the most beautiful woman in the world. Pregnant or not. We've never looked at you and seen anything except the woman we love." Eli’s words make me tear up even more.
My throat tightens. "What about after?"
"What about after?" Eli asks.
"After..." I whisper. "After the babies." The words feel embarrassing. "What if..." I stare at my hands instead of them. "What if you never want to sleep with me again?"
The truck goes completely silent. I almost wish I hadn't said it.
"I mean..." I force a laugh that sounds painfully fake. "Everyone says your body changes."
Eli immediately pulls into a parking lot and puts the truck in park. He turns completely toward me. Zeke and Jay scoot forward on their seats filling the space between mine and Eli’s seat.
"So does ours." he says.
I blink. Not understanding what he means.
"We get older." he says, both guys nodding. "We get scars. We gain weight, Our hair thins and turns grey. Will that make you love us less?"
“No. But childbirth..."
"Doesn't make you less beautiful." Zeke says, his eyes locked on me.
"There is nothing that happens in that delivery room that could make us stop wanting you." Jay answers firmly. “The only thing that could change is that we love you more.”
"You’re carrying our children. Making us a family You think stretch marks matter after that?" Zeke asks.
I can't answer.
"You think we're going to look at you and see flaws?" My lip trembles as Eli speaks. "We're going to look at you, and see the strongest woman we've ever known."
"Thank you.”
Eli exchanges a look with the other two. "We have one condition."
I narrow my eyes. “One condition?”
"You are not allowed to permanently ban more children until after these two are born." Eli announces.
"What?"
"You heard me." Eli says. "You are making this decision while terrified."
"So promise us you'll wait before banning children."
"I said I'll think about it." I tell them, because they’re right. I’m petrified of giving birth. I know why I'm saying no. It isn't because I don't want another baby. It's because I'm terrified of everything that comes with bringing two tiny humans into the world.
Eli starts the car back up and pulls back onto the road.
I rest both hands over my belly. Without meaning to, another thought slips in. Mom would have something to say about my weight. She always had something to say.
I swallow hard.
Some small part of me still hears her voice. I honestly thought learning she had grandchildren on the way would change something. That she'd call. Show up. Apologize.
But she hasn’t.
I told myself not to expect anything. But hope doesn't listen to reason, and it still hurts.
A few minutes later, Eli turns into a shopping center.
"Where are we going?" I ask.
He parks before answering. "Baby store. We’re going to look at cribs."
Inside the store, my heart melts instantly when I see all the baby clothes and furniture.
"Oh..." Eli exclaims before disappearing into the furniture section. "I found the cribs!"
Jay heads for the rocking chairs, sitting down in each, testing them out.
Zeke’s holding a stuffed giraffe. “Should we get two of these? Or different ones?”
I shake my head, laughing.
“Weren’t we going to look at cribs?” I ask.
“Yeah, and we are. But they need more than cribs.” Jay announces as he steps over to where we’re standing.
The crib displays stretch across half the showroom. After looking at nearly every option, we all stop in front of two beautiful oak cribs.
"I love these," I whisper.
"So do I," Eli says.
"We'll take two." Jay tells the sales woman.
“And two changing tables and two dressers that match.” Eli adds.
I blink. "Two?"
"Obviously."
“Cribs I get. Even changing tables. But dressers?”
Jay looks horrified that I would suggest we need one dresser. "What if one's a boy and one's a girl? They each need their own dresser."
I don’t argue with him. I know I’d lose. Once we’re done with the furniture, we move over to the baby clothes.
"Oh no." Jay gasps. "Look at this!"
Zeke actually squeals. An honest-to-goodness squeal. "Look at these little shoes!"
Eli is already holding up tiny pajamas. “These have dinosaurs!"
"Oh my God, look at this bear onesie!" Zeke points at the rack beside Eli. "And they have some with ducks!"
"Tiny overalls!" Zeke holds them up and I admit they’re cute. “We need something with a firetruck on it.”
I stand there. Watching three grown men lose their minds over baby clothes. Holding outfits against each other. Arguing over colors. Getting excited over socks the size of my palm.
It's so ridiculously adorable and I can't stop smiling.
I don't even realize I'm crying again until Eli notices.
"You okay?" he asks.
I nod.
"Yeah. Happy tears.”
I look at the three men who somehow became my home. I think about everything that led to my meeting them. Every wall I put up and how they managed to knock each down.
Then I rest my hands over my stomach and smile through happy tears.
"I'm more than okay." I tell him
For the first time in a very long time, I mean it.