31. Marley
THIRTY-ONE
MARLEY
Sleep has the audacity to come, and then morning light taunts us cruelly through the blinds. I wake on my side with Bennett spooning me. I can tell it’s still early because the house is silent. The dogs haven’t begun to stir yet so I let myself relax into Bennett’s hold and stare at the wall.
“I can hear that brain of yours working, sweetheart,” Bennett whispers as his hand winds its way up my body. He gently grips my chin and turns my head until he can easily kiss me. I don’t focus on my morning breath or that this is the last early morning kiss I’m going to get from him. Instead, I melt back into his body and roll my ass along his length, earning a sharp intake of breath and a noise that rumbles from deep within his chest. I want to bottle that sound and take it with me everywhere.
I tell him with my body how I feel because I’m afraid my words will betray me. We hover somewhere between feral and reverent until we can no longer ignore life.
Bennett is out with the dogs while I pack up the clothes Nancy had given me. Bennett had washed them and left them for me to fold because I had insisted on doing some of the work. At ten, Izzy texts to say they are about twenty minutes away, and I start preparing myself to walk away from Bennett Morgan and his pack.
There’s a bag full of stuff from Nancy for me to eat, and while I love that she did this I’m not looking forward to the reminder. I’m convinced eating that sauce while not in Bennett’s presence will feel like I’m cheating on him. I watch him from the porch, running around with the dogs and laughing, and I think of the cupboard full of pills. I decided at some point last night that I needed to push him to hire some help. I don’t know if he’s purposely isolated himself or if it has just happened, but it makes me sad. I hate the idea of him here in pain and pushing through it instead of taking care of himself.
He sees me standing there, throws a couple of balls, and then uses the distraction to sneak out of the gate before jogging over to me.
“What’s that look on your face?” he asks, stopping at the bottom of the stairs.
“I need you to promise me something,” I say, sitting on the top step.
He joins me, leaning on his knees before looking at me. “If it’s that I forget this ever happened, I’m afraid I can’t,” he says wryly.
“Oh please, I’m unforgettable. I won’t set you up for failure.”
“What can I promise you, Marley?” he asks so sincerely that I take a second longer than I should to respond.
“I need you to hire some help, Bennett.”
“Why? Do I seem like I’m not managing things?”
“No, I think you’re doing well, but I’m afraid you won’t always be doing well.” I don’t know if that’s the right thing to say. It’s what I meant, but when it came out it sounded insulting, like I don’t believe in him.
He looks away from me. “Is this about what I told you about the depression? Because I’ve got that under control. I have a whole team who help me keep that under control.” He definitely sounds a bit miffed.
“I’m not talking about the depression, I’m talking about the headaches. I know you have a team of doctors, but they aren’t here, Bennett. They aren’t going to go out and feed the dogs so you can deal with the pain in your head. They aren’t going to head out to pick up a dog in need when you can’t see straight because the pain is so bad.” I take a deep breath. “I think you love to have people and dogs to take care of so you don’t have to focus on yourself. I think it’s easier for you to be everyone else’s support than allow anyone to support you.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“It is if you’re so busy worrying about everyone else being okay that you don’t make sure that you are. How can you help anyone else if you’re locked in the dark? You need help here, but it seems like you don’t want to accept that.”
He stands and walks away from me, and I let him. But he doesn’t get far before he turns and comes to stand in front of me again. I look up at him and wait.
“Everyone who I thought would support me left. They walked away or died. So even though some days it feels like literal torture to get up and do my job, I do it because I know I can count on myself. And I know that those dogs can count on me too.” I know he’s talking about his ex and his friends and his family, but I can’t help but feel like he’s grouping me amongst them.
I stand so we’re chest-to-chest then raise my hands and run my thumbs across his brow. “That’s not true, Bennett. You’ve got incredible neighbors who would walk through fire for you. Seriously, we should all be so lucky to have a group of Hores down the street.” He humors me with a one-note laugh. “And employees aren’t friends or family. You pay them to support your operation. It’s totally different, and you cannot look at it like you look at things in your personal life. You’d be an amazing boss, Bennett. Add to that working daily with that lot”—I point behind him at the dogs—“dream come true for the right people.” His arms wrap around my waist, and he pulls me in for a hug. “There also isn’t anything wrong with just having someone else around. Not to knock the dogs or anything, but having someone who can talk back isn’t the worst thing. I need to know you’re going to be okay so I don’t worry about you.”
“Says the one who works in literal warzones,” he says into my neck.
“Yeah, well, that’s why I need to be focused on the task at hand and not worried about your sexy ass.”
“You think I’m sexy?”
I pull back to look at him. “Have I not made that clear this week? My god, I’m bad at this.” He kisses me, and I feel gravity trying to keep me there. Holding me in place, trying to tell me that this is where I should be staying. Somehow leaving feels like I’m breaking the rules of physics.
The sound of wheels on gravel has him pulling back. When he looks down at me, I can practically see thoughts swirling. “I…” he begins, then he looks over at the car pulling in. When his eyes return to mine, I can tell that whatever he was going to say is gone. “I don’t want you to go,” he finally says, his forehead resting against mine.
“I know.” I know he wants me to say that I wish I didn’t have to, but I don’t. Because despite my revelation that giving someone hope is something that brings me joy about my job, I can’t bring myself to give him any. And it makes me feel like a shitty person .
Izzy jumps out of the car before Nellie even puts it in park and races over to me.
“You’re alive!” she says, grabbing onto me so tightly that I’m struggling to breathe. Izzy is 5’1” but has the hug of a man three times her size. Tom and Nellie follow behind, both giving me hugs that are far more normal.
I gesture back to Bennett, who I notice didn’t leave the bottom of the stairs. “This is Bennett. Bennett, Izzy, Tom, and Nellie.” I point at each one in turn.
Bennett finally steps forward and shakes each of their hands. Izzy is studying him carefully while Nellie is already distracted by the field of dogs.
“Nell, you should go meet the dogs.”
“Am I allowed to meet the dogs?” Tom says, looking longingly at the field.
“Just look , Thomas,” Izzy says. “And that applies to you too, young lady.” She points at Nellie.
“Come on, I’ll introduce you.” Bennett tips his head towards the field.
Izzy grabs my bag and throws it in the car then comes back to stand beside me, watching as everyone is swarmed by the pack.
“The picture did not do that man justice,” she says nonchalantly.
“No,” I agree, trying but failing to look away from him.
“Are you okay?” she asks, turning her attention to me.
“Yes and no.” I smile sadly. “I just wish he wasn’t so…” I shrug. “And that I wasn’t so…”
“Ah yes, the timeless conundrum of two people destined for one another being so…” She shrugs, and I laugh.
“Come on, you know what I mean.”
“I don’t actually. Care to elaborate? ”
I hate it when she does this to me. She never lets me get away with being vague; she always needs to dig.
“I don’t do relationships, Izzy.”
“Yeah, but why is that exactly?”
“I… I don’t know how, and I’m not going to try and figure one out while I put someone through the worry of me not coming home. I can’t do what I do and be afraid of breaking their heart.”
“You do know that every time you go away, Nellie and I are losing our minds, right? That if anything were to happen to you, our hearts would break?”
“That’s different,” I say sullenly.
“How? We love you. How is that different from someone you’re romantically involved with loving you?”
I give her a look.
“Oh, so this is about sex. Are you afraid that if you break some guy’s heart, he’ll never be able to have sex again and that would be on you for not being incredible in bed but because they’ll never get over you?”
“What? No!” I cry out, causing everyone, including the dogs to look over at me. “No, this has nothing to do with sex,” I hiss.
“I’m sorry, but it feels like you don’t actually have a good reason. It seems like you’re scared just because you’ve never had a proper relationship before and you don’t want to fuck it up. You don’t want to be your parents. Who, newsflash, you’re not like at all.”
“Iz, all week you’ve been bugging me about this guy helping me for the wrong reasons, and now you’re standing here trying to tell me to just start a relationship with him? None of this was real. He took care of me because I was hurt and he’s a good guy. We slept together because we both wanted it. That’s it. None of this means more than that.” Even as I say it, I know it’s bullshit. I also know I’m making excuses, but I’m stubborn and apparently I’ve decided this is a hill I will die on. A hill I’ll die on alone with no one waiting at the bottom.
Izzy doesn’t say anything back to me, so I know she thinks I’m lying. That’s usually how she handles falsehoods, with stoic judgmental silence. Nellie is sitting on the ground with Clyde between her legs. He’s on his back with all four legs sticking straight up. She’s in her element, and I feel a twinge of jealousy that if she had been the one Bennett found, we wouldn’t be here to pick her up but to attend her wedding. But Bennett is not looking at Nellie or Tom. He’s zeroed in on me.
“This was a mistake,” Izzy says, shaking her head.
“What was?”
“Bringing Tom to a place with dogs. He’s like a kid asking weekly if we can get one. But we all know who’s going to end up taking care of it.” She tilts her head towards me and mouths “me” as she points at her chest.
“Yeah, but imagine the Christmas cards with a Daisy or a Farley in the family picture.” I nudge her with my elbow.
“Oh, I am, and I’m the only one in the picture that looks exhausted. I’ve told him when the kids are older we can revisit it. Nellie, on the other hand, came here and found the love of her life too.”
My head whips back towards the field, and I see Bennett crouched next to Nellie, chatting and rubbing Clyde’s belly. The twinge of jealousy I had felt earlier grows, and I swallow and look at the ground.
“Hmm,” Izzy says quietly. “Very interesting.” I look at her, and she leans in and whispers, “For the record, I was talking about the dog.”
Eventually, Izzy is able to pull Tom and Nellie out of dog heaven and back to the car. They say goodbye to Bennett, thanking him for taking care of me and then leave us alone .
There’s a foot between us, and I desperately want to erase it but I also have a feeling that if I do, it will make things harder on both of us.
“So,” Bennett starts, “this has been fun.”
“By far the best-sprained ankle experience a girl could ask for. Five stars, would recommend.” We laugh awkwardly.
He holds out his hand. “Give me your phone, Mar.” I unlock the screen and hand it over. “I’m giving you my number and email. That way if you want to stay in touch, it’s on your terms.” I bite my lip, mainly to keep myself from bursting into tears, and nod. His eyes darken slightly. “Sweetheart, I don’t think you want to do that so close to other people.” I let my lip slip free. “Good girl.” A week ago, I hated pet names and I certainly didn’t have a praise kink, and now I want him to tell me what to do, call me sweetheart, and then praise the hell out of me.
I make a split-second decision to erase the space between us, wrap my arms around his waist, and bury my face into his sweater. “I will miss you and this place,” I mumble.
“You’ll be too busy to miss it,” he says, pulling me in tighter. He doesn’t say it, but the way his hold tightens makes me think he knew I was lying earlier. His hold feels like a last attempt at keeping me in his orbit. Finally, we break apart and make our way to the car. He opens the door and helps me in, and when I tell him to give the crutches back to the Hores, he shakes his head and slides them in at my feet.
“Karl said that you’re to return them yourself when you come to get your sauce fix.”
“Well, that sounds suspect,” Nellie says from the driver’s seat.
Bennett smiles that smile, although it doesn’t meet his eyes. “Take care, sweetheart,” he says, and then he closes the door.
As Nellie drives away I fight the urge to turn around and watch him out the back window. Everyone is silent until we get to the main road, then Tom turns back to Izzy sitting beside me.
“Did you see the one with—”
“No,” she cuts him off, making Nellie laugh.
“But Iz, she was so fluffy and—”
“Thomas Andrew Hawthorn, if the next words out of your mouth aren’t ‘perfect for another family,’ I do not want to hear them.”
Tom turns back to face the front without another word, and Nellie and I burst out laughing. I can’t think of a better group to take my mind off the best man I’ve ever met.