Chapter 25 #2
“When I came to propose to you, I had finally accepted my feelings and my desires. All my doubts had vanished before I came to Longbourn…and only then did I understand that I was wrong in my judgment of your feelings and your desires.”
He spoke lightly, as though resigned; and he was still smiling, while she was still astonished and doubtful.
“Miss Bennet, since I have been so selfish and inconsiderate as to bring up this subject, I shall conclude by saying that my feelings and my desires are even stronger than that day. But we agreed to dismiss that proposal and pretend it never existed, and surely without that malicious gossip it would not have happened that day.”
He paused, but she still could not reply, waiting for him to speak further.
“Miss Bennet, when— Whether there will be another proposal depends on you. Please do not allow my confession to force you or to oblige you in any way. Please search your heart and your mind thoroughly. If one day you would wish for me to tell you more, to confess more to you, or to address you with a question that will not upset or trouble you, please tell me. With no restraint and no hesitation. Will you?”
She only nodded, still speechless, silenced by her astonishment and uncertainty, and overwhelmed by both her feelings and his.
“And, Miss Bennet, if such a day comes later or never, my admiration and affection will make me your most loyal friend. I shall close this subject at this very moment and never open it again until you wish it.”
He bowed to her in a solemn gesture, while she still struggled to regain some composure. And suddenly, before she had time to reply, he changed his voice completely and returned to his earlier teasing tone.
“It must be breakfast time already. May I escort you back to Longbourn? Your family might be worried.”
She nodded, in a perturbed state of mind. He offered his arm and she took it.
They walked mostly in silence and soon arrived in Longbourn’s garden. She wished to tell him something but did not dare, nor was she sure of her words.
He was ready to mount when he addressed her one more time with apparent restraint.
“There is something I wished to ask you, and I must do so before I leave.”
“Of course.”
“Since I have already lost several opportunities before and you already refused me twice, would you do me the honour of dancing a set with me at the ball?”
His request came so unexpectedly that it left her in stupefaction one more time. She wondered whether he was serious or not, as he was smiling again and his distress seemed to have vanished.
“Of course… I would like that very much… Would you prefer a particular set?”
“To be honest, I would prefer the first one, although I do not want to presume. But any other would be equally agreeable to me.”
“The first one would be perfect,” she said.
“Thank you,” he said with obvious delight, jumping into the saddle.
She stared at him for another moment, then asked, “Mr Darcy, when did I refuse you the second time…to dance with you, I mean. I only remember one instance, at Lucas Lodge.”
“At Netherfield…one evening when I asked you to dance a reel with me.”
“Oh…yes, I remember now…I did not think you were in earnest. Yet another example of me wilfully misunderstanding you.”
He bowed and his horse seemed restless, but he was still reluctant to leave.
“Miss Bennet?”
“Yes, sir?”
“I know it is unlikely to happen, but if you have another set available, I would be happy to secure it.”
She laughed and slowly her heart became lighter. “You must remember that evening at the assembly, when the gentlemen were scarce and I sat out for several dances. I have a serious suspicion that at this ball I shall have the supper dance available too.”
He had asked and she had offered, and there was another small understanding between them, a sweet palliation for their mutual distress.
“Thank you, Miss Bennet. There is nothing more I could wish for…at this moment,” he said.
He finally left but turned several times to look back at her; she remained still, following him with her gaze until he disappeared from her sight.
Elizabeth entered the house and was immediately scolded by her mother, who asked where she had been, and accosted by her cousins demanding her attention.
The family was already gathered for breakfast, so she joined them.
Her mind was still dazed, and she wished to share her confusion with someone.
That Mr Darcy had admired her all that time — while she had always assumed that he only looked at her to find fault — was unbelievable.
Equally difficult to believe was her joy at that discovery, the feeling that her heart was flying that lasted the entire day.
Hours later, the weather worsened again and it started sleeting which made the early private encounter even more precious.
As strong as her happiness was the notion that he had given her the power to decide what she wanted — a gift, she knew, that very few men would probably offer to a woman.
He had allowed her the liberty not only to accept or reject a marriage proposal but to choose when and if she wished it to happen.
As the hours passed, oblivious to most of her family’s discussions, Elizabeth was still cradling thoughts of Darcy.
The last weeks since his return made her realise that her feelings for Darcy were something she had never felt for any other man, regardless of how charming or handsome he was.
She valued his qualities, admired his character, and was grateful for his friendship with her future brother Bingley and her father.
She had never liked a man more than she liked him, and the prospect of spending her life with him was enchanting.
But since she had found out about his long-lasting admiration and affection, she wanted to be certain she returned it, that she was ready to accept a marriage proposal from him not because of his education and character, his situation in life, his fortune, or his sister to whom she had become a friend.
Nor because Jane was marrying his best friend.
If he loved her, she wished to be sure she loved him too. What she was absolutely sure of was that she could still feel the burning trace of his fingers on hers from the previous day and the sensation of holding his strong arm that provided her support when she needed it.