Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Finally, it seems that Melody has found a match, Lucy!” Victoria exclaimed in delight. “And it’s you!”
Lucy glanced at her friend. The Duchess looked content, and perhaps a little relieved, seeing her and her daughter play. She remembered Victoria mentioning the toll of being pregnant and taking care of a child. She had enough energy to care for little Melody if need be.
The morning room at Hawksford House had begun feeling like a second home. Victoria and Melody never failed to make her feel at home. As for Richard, he was utterly devoted to his family and never made her feel unwelcome. And for that, she was grateful.
Sometimes, the place felt like a nice reprieve from Joshua. Not that he had ever been needlessly cruel. He was just suffocating.
Richard was reading the Gazette, but his eyes kept wandering toward his wife. There was so much fondness and protectiveness there that Lucy’s chest ached with a need she had never known she had.
“Melody is a delight,” she murmured, her heart filled with a mix of pride, envy, and happiness for her friend.
“Horse. We go horse, Lucy,” Melody insisted, jumping up and down.
“She also takes after you, Victoria.”
“Of course. My daughter knows exactly what she needs to do and what she needs to become,” Victoria declared, tilting her chin up in pride.
“A-are y-you deciding everything for her?” Lucy asked.
“Oh, no. Not like that, Lucy. You look horrified. What I meant was that she is a wise little girl for choosing to be like her mother,” Victoria explained.
For the rest of the afternoon, Lucy played with Melody with a hunger that she could not explain. She realized that because of the life she had chosen, she would never have a daughter. Or a son.
Even that little trip to Valentine St. Clair was not meant to let her experience everything. After all, having a child out of wedlock was akin to a death sentence for an unmarried mother, and hell for the bastard child.
She would never do such a thing to her own child. Never.
As she followed Melody to the corner of the room, where her toys were scattered on the floor, she spotted Richard tucking a stray lock of blonde hair behind Victoria’s ear.
At that moment, she could no longer deny that she wanted it, too. Marriage. A husband. Children.
It was no longer just about escaping Joshua’s stifling control. While she enjoyed visiting her friends, she didn’t want to be simply a guest. She wanted to be a hostess, the mistress of a house whose master looked at her as if she were the center of his world and not the hindrance to his plans.
Stolen kisses and secret trysts would never fill the void in her heart.
It was another night for a secret tryst. One could say that Lucy Coulson was on her way to becoming utterly witless, because why else would she be slipping out that same exit to run toward the greenhouse on a moonlit night?
It was chilly. The best thing to do would have been to remain under the blankets. But she still made it to the greenhouse.
It was just like last time. Daniel’s silhouette was easy to identify, even with only the faint silvery light to guide her.
“You should not have come,” he said, the words sounding like an admonition, and yet his voice was soft. “Your brother might catch us this time. Sometimes, I think he has a sixth sense, and that he’d wake up knowing you left the house.”
“Yet you’re here,” she said dryly, her heart fluttering.
Lucy knew that tonight was different. It might change the course of her life. This meeting was not only about physical pleasure or intellectual satisfaction. Her emotions were at stake.
“Joshua should be sound asleep. He has been out all day, meeting some business associates. At least, that was what I understood,” she explained. “And you know, I had to come. I needed to.”
“You needed to?” he echoed, sounding confused. A muscle ticked in his temple.
It was strange that she had become more aware of his emotions, but also did not understand anything at all.
“Yes. I wanted to tell you what I realized today,” she said tentatively, drawing out each word.
His eyes flashed, and she wondered if he knew what she was about to say.
“About what happened in Suffolk?” Then he paused. He turned around and threaded his fingers through his hair in frustration. She wanted to rub his back, but she didn’t. “I—I am so sorry. My mind has been so preoccupied by w-what I was trying to investigate that…”
“You thought it was about that?” Lucy asked, her heart aching for him.
But it also ached for her. His mind was not on her at all, but on whatever it was that had consumed his life.
“No, it was not about that at all, but I guess you’ve also realized that.
I spent the afternoon with Victoria, Richard, and Melody.
I saw how happy they were. Richard looks at her as if—as if she is the only thing that can ever make him happy.
I want that, too. I want to get married and have children of my own.
That way, I will have some agency in my life.
I will no longer be a ghost or a bird in a cage. ”
She swallowed. It was not easy to bare her soul and be vulnerable. She prayed that while she was falling into an abyss, he would be there to catch her. She wanted him to say that he wanted the same thing. That he was the man she had been waiting and hoping for.
Daniel’s eyes had lowered to his feet. He remained where he was. Two children could have passed between them without nudging either. He had never been so distant. Lucy had felt more connected to him that evening by the back entrance of St. Clair’s house.
The silence stretched thin but took a while to snap. Then, he nodded once. The frown that contorted his handsome features turned into a lackluster smile.
“I see,” he said in a monotone. The heat that had ignited between them during their first tryst felt several lifetimes away. “It is indeed a noble ambition, Lucy. You are a reputable lady of the ton. You deserve to have a household of your own.”
“Daniel?”
Her question hung in the air. She was no longer certain what she wanted to accomplish with it.
“If Marsleigh continues to be a hindrance to your dreams, I will have a serious conversation with him. I can even solicit the help of my charming sister, Victoria. However, I believe that my rank should help persuade some gentlemen to realize that Marsleigh is no longer interfering this time. I will help you find a good match, Lucy, one who is worthy of you. A man who can provide you with a home and security.”
The words doused her like ice water. Instead of offering to marry her, he was going to help her find a husband. He would gladly relinquish her to another man.
“So you would be vetting my suitors?” she asked, her voice trembling with barely contained fury.
There were days when she thought she hated her brother the most, but tonight she didn’t know who was worse, Daniel or herself. An unfeeling man and a fool.
More questions hung on the tip of her tongue, held back by pride.
Would you rather see me marry someone else?
Are you not going to fight for me?
Daniel had already chosen his path. Her path. There was no “their path.” There had never been one. Perhaps she had read too much into it, merely fell for a rake with a mission. She was a complication.
“I want you to be happy,” he murmured, still not meeting her eyes.
“In that case, you don’t know me at all! You never did!” Lucy hissed. “I do have to say no, thank you, Your Grace. My brother will arrange my marriage if he does not want a scandal.”
She turned on her heel and stormed out of the greenhouse, then half-ran back to Marsleigh House. Her vision had become blurry from tears, and she even felt the first droplets of rain.
The skies were mourning with her. Mourning a love that never was.
Love?
Horror filled her. No, it was merely infatuation. She had been looking for escape and found him. She was certain that he thought their encounters were nothing more than ways to pass the time.
Her tears only fell freely when she reached the safety of her bedroom. This time, she did not look out the window to check if he was still in the greenhouse.
The next morning, Lucy woke up with a plan in mind. Today was about careful precision and calculated obedience to achieve her goal: get married to the first eligible bachelor.
She chose a primrose silk dress. While it wasn’t as dull as the greys and browns Joshua had forced her into, this one was modest in cut and made her look almost as sweet as a debutante. Then, she descended to the breakfast room.
Joshua was there, inspecting a sheet of paper. He folded it as soon as he saw her, the small scowl on his face transforming into a wide smile.
“Good day to you, Lucy. You look rather radiant and agreeable this morning,” he praised.
He rose merely to pull out a chair for her. She graciously thanked him and sat down.
“Joshua,” she began, keeping her tone light and airy, despite the ache in her chest. “I am twenty-two, and I—I am growing weary of being a wallflower. I wish to marry this Season. Don’t worry. I don’t have any illusions about finding romance, just security and my own household.”
Joshua froze.
Lucy was afraid that he would say something terrible like, “That would never happen.” A strange look passed over his face. His cheeks seemed to quiver as his eyes bored into hers.
It was the same face he would make whenever he said that she was the pride of the family. There was something dark and calculating about it, but she always felt ungrateful whenever she felt that way.
“Joshua, Lucy is your responsibility.”
“Yes, Father.”
“Do you see how delicate she is? How slender?”
“Yes, Father. I understand.”
Lucy could not comprehend why those words still lingered in her mind. She had a feeling something was wrong, but could not quite put her finger on it.
“A husband,” Joshua murmured thoughtfully, rubbing his chin with two fingers. “Of course, Lucy. I will find someone who will cherish you. Treat you as you deserve to be treated. You need someone who will not leave your side when things get tough.”
Lucy flinched at those words. It almost felt like her brother knew about Daniel. But that was impossible, wasn’t it? It was probably her guilty conscience speaking.
“You will?” she squeaked, daring to hope despite her heartbreak.
He smiled. It was a slow and deliberate smile. The satisfied look at the end was terrifying.
“I believe I have someone in mind for you. He won’t leave you, Lucy. Ever.”
Lucy should be pleased and relieved that her brother had agreed to assist her with her search for a husband.
Instead, she felt hollow and strangely… afraid.