Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
How did the day go by so quickly? Richard thought the day would be spent avoiding Victoria in his study. There might have been a bit of gloating from the newest edition of the scandal sheet. But things went better and worse than he ever imagined.
The lanterns were already lit. It was late in the afternoon, and Richard entered his home with a far slower gait than his usual.
While the physician was undoubtedly skilled, he could feel the pull of the stitches when he moved.
He had a bandage over the closed wound, and he still smelled of blood.
It would not be the best of reunions, but he still longed to see Victoria and Melody.
Fatigue shook his body as he walked into his study. He shouldn’t be here. It was too soon. He could have lost his life here, but he also wanted to see it afterward and reclaim it as his own space before Penwike came to disturb it.
Richard used to hide in his study with a glass of brandy or whiskey. He had let these spirits numb his feelings, allowing them to take him to a place where all he could focus on was his ledgers.
This time, he ignored the decanters. Instead, he just surveyed the room and saw that everything was left as it was from earlier. Books on the floor. Fallen shelves. Blood on the rug.
It was time to go to the nursery. There would be time to settle these things. As usual, the door was slightly ajar. It was better this way, according to Victoria. Someone could always check on Melody and her current guardian.
The nursery was peaceful, bathed in warm candlelight. Victoria sat by the hearth, the fire giving her golden hair an ethereal glow. She was beautiful. She had always been, but he always forced himself to look the other way. From tonight, he would not be looking away anymore.
She was humming a melody, unfamiliar but sweet, her eyes solely on the child in her arms. Melody’s eyes were closed, and her small lips were parted, her small hands resting on Victoria’s bodice. It looked like she had just finished feeding and was ready for a night of peaceful slumber.
Richard stood by the doorway, pondering the scene and whether he should interrupt the mother and child. This peace, which he’d yearned for his entire life, seemed so fragile now. And yet, he dared hope that it would be stronger. Lasting.
As if sensing his presence, Victoria looked his way.
Her eyes, weary and red-rimmed, met his gaze.
She blinked once as if she wasn’t certain he was there at all.
Her humming stopped, leaving her lips parted.
He could not help but look at them. They were full and red.
He could still remember kissing them, could recall the taste easily.
His walls were crumbling down, and for the first time, he was not afraid.
“The physician said I don’t have to prepare my will yet,” Richard said, grinning. His voice was raspier than he expected.
He ambled toward her. Her eyes widened at the sight of him struggling to reach her, but she did not rise. She still had Melody in her arms, sleeping softly. Then, her eyes lowered to the spot where he was bandaged.
“But Lord Cotswell said that it was a flesh wound, what you h-had,” she stammered.
“It is a flesh wound. I will be fine,” he reassured her, placing his hand over the spot.
“He told me Penwike may never leave prison ever again,” she added.
“Yes, he is gone, Victoria,” Richard confirmed, walking closer until he stood over mother and child. “The feud is over. You’ve witnessed the end of it in the study. Today, at Dr. Merryweather’s office, I realized just how much time I’ve wasted fighting ghosts.”
“Oh, now, you realized?” she asked, smiling.
She stood up, her face almost grazing his chest by their closeness. Richard’s breath caught. His wife walked toward the bassinet, where she rested Melody. The baby was sound asleep, and he hoped he would be for the rest of the night.
“I owe you a million apologies, Victoria. I know that sounds exaggerated, but that is what you deserve. You also need to know the truth of my cowardice,” he admitted, even as he winced once more.
“It hurts?” she asked, looking worried. Her hand lifted, hovering inches from his wound.
“A little.”
“I could never see you as a coward, Richard Weston,” Victoria declared. “However, you have hurt me so many times. So many times.”
“I am so sorry, Victoria. None of my million apologies will ever suffice,” Richard said, bowing his head.
“My cowardice is real, but perhaps different from the usual. I was afraid of losing something I never thought I would ever have. In the process, I lost the thing I was afraid to lose, if that makes sense. I was self-destructive just like my father and my brothers were, even though I swore to be different from them. I thought that I could protect you better than they ever had each other. Their closeness became poison as they made each other fear and hate. The more I tried to avoid that, the closer I got.”
Richard sank onto the ottoman near her feet, ready to kneel if need be. He loved her. He knew that now. It took him a long time to admit it and to understand that he deserved to know what it felt like.
“When I saw Penwike about to strike you, I was afraid for you, Victoria,” he lamented.
“I did not notice the blood dripping from my side. I was more afraid of losing you than losing my life. Because of it, I’ve lost all logic.
All I knew was that I could not live a life without you, even though that seemed to be my mission all the while. ”
“To rid yourself of me?” Victoria asked cheekily.
She always had that bright smile, one that was almost naughty. It always looked like she was keeping secrets from everyone else, and he liked it like that.
“Yes,” he admitted. “I am now asking for your forgiveness. May I be allowed back into this family? I do not wish to merely protect you from afar. I want to truly be your husband and truly Melody’s father. Forever.”
Victoria’s face hardened, making Richard’s heart sink.
He knew that look, the gaze that almost looked angry.
Pained. She watched Melody, who was sleeping deeply.
At least one of them had found perfect peace.
The duchess was not yet at peace, and he could not blame her.
He’d left her over and over, with her own thoughts.
“Richard, you made me feel like an interloper here at Hawksford House. It was painful. After all, we drifted toward each other with a common goal, even when we thought of this marriage as nothing but a convenient one for either of us. You wanted protection from the Penwikes through the joint forces of my brothers-in-law. On the other hand, I wanted protection from my own mother, who was willing to push me into any marriage, while also satisfying my need to have a haven. A home of my own. Then, you brought salt to my wounds by saying we didn’t have any other connection but Melody.
Perhaps it would have been acceptable at the beginning, but not after you’ve kissed me.
Touched me. Made me think I could be yours, and you mine.
You made me think that I was no longer alone, only to pull the rug from under me, and I was back on the floor, sprawling and clutching at nothing. ”
Her voice broke. Her pain had been real. He had not protected her from the pain of heartbreak, that he could be certain of.
“I now know,” he said, bowing his head as he faced the weight of his actions.
He now felt accountable for every terrible decision he made, “that I had inflicted a greater wound than anything Penwike could ever inflict on us. I was wrong, Victoria. I was so stubborn to accept something so obvious. I used duty as a shield. In the end, I realized I had been so selfish, trying to steer myself away from the possibility of my own heartbreak.”
“Richard,” she murmured. “Please stand up. I—I can’t bear to see you like this.”
“No. You must hear me,” he said, reaching out to touch her hand.
She let him. “I love you, Victoria. Perhaps I returned because of duties I needed to attend to, but I stayed because of you. You’ve charmed me, and you’ve made me fall in love with you.
It is so much more than finding you beautiful because only a blind man could not see that about you.
It was about seeing your soul and finding it entwined with mine. ”
Victoria’s face softened. Even her posture seemed more relaxed. Richard let himself hope, then, that the ice around her heart had thawed.
“When I opened the door to your study, I saw the blood on your shirt,” she whispered, her voice cracking in between words.
“I thought my soul left my body. I thought Penwike had taken you from me. No scandal or title could ever matter more than love or life, Richard. Life without you would never be the same if I lost you. I love you, too. Please don’t push me away again. ”
“Never again,” he promised, “I say this on my life and my honor.”
Richard leaned forward and kissed her knees. Then, he let his gaze linger on Melody’s sleeping figure. He had everything before him now. He would treasure this love and life.
“I will cherish you and Melody forever,” he murmured, looking up at Victoria.
He reached out, cupping the back of her neck.
She met him halfway, leaning forward to meet his lips.
Their kiss was slow, soft, and almost chaste.
Yet, there was a quiet desperation moving back and forth between them, a conversation that seemed to say, “Please don’t go,” and “I’ve missed you.
” But they understood each other enough not to utter a word.
Then, they heard something. It was the soft voice of a little angel cooing and babbling.
They broke apart and chuckled as they saw Melody kicking her little legs so strongly that she almost dislodged her blanket.
Richard recognized the gesture of approval, and it was the best one he had ever received.
“She approves of this,” Victoria whispered, a grin lighting up her face to the point that the dark circles around her eyes were almost unnoticeable.
“Of course, she does, but now, she’s wide awake,” Richard murmured.
Richard and Victoria rose from their position together and walked toward the cradle. They were surprised to see Melody sleeping soundly once more.
“She woke up only to tell us she agrees that we should be together,” Victoria commented.
“That’s the best blessing you can ever get. One from a baby,” Richard said, feeling happiest in years.
“I will have to call on Mrs. Hughes to watch over her now,” Victoria declared, heading for the bell pull.
“Ah. We do need to rest.”
Richard missed sleeping in Victoria’s bedchambers, where he could inhale the soft fragrance of her hair and skin throughout the night. He was glad to be home.
“Are your men still watching over Hawksford House?” Victoria asked, breaking the silence they had formed as they walked side by side to her bedchamber.
“Yes, they are. However, they are no longer preparing for a war zone. They are here for security throughout. Some will have to be moved to my other business or to the country estate,” Richard explained.
The duchess smiled. She understood him well enough now. “You wanted to ensure they have employment,” she mused.
“Y-yes. Precisely.”
“Sending them to the estate, which is bigger and far away, seems like a wonderful idea, Richard,” she praised.
“I guess it is.”
Inside her room, the fire was low the way she wanted it.
There was just enough warmth and light to make sleep easy.
She was tired. She watched as Richard undressed, starting with his cravat.
His movements were unsteady and stiff. She flinched when he let out a hiss of pain.
If he would let himself make such a noise, it meant that it was too much.
“Let me,” she volunteered, walking closer to him.
The duchess worked on his clothes methodically, undoing and removing with great care.
She unbuttoned his shirt almost reverently, her fingers almost afraid to graze his battered skin.
As she gently removed his shirt, she let out a soft gasp as she saw the bruises on his body and the fresh bandage on his side.
She didn’t want to ask about them anymore.
She wanted him to be distracted from his pain.
Richard watched her. His eyes were probing, as if he, too, was tearing each of her garments off her body. She liked how he could do that without even touching her. Without even saying a word.
Victoria found loose nightclothes for him to wear, and he let out a sigh of relief. Then, it was her turn to undress. He watched her closely, then. She hesitated, wondering if it was a good idea.
“Go ahead, Victoria. I can’t touch, but I can look,” he said good-naturedly.
She giggled nervously as she let her gown fall to the floor.
She knew she would just put both of them into a lot of pain and disappointment, but she liked standing before him naked.
She was now his, as he was hers. His eyes watched her hungrily, even as she slipped on her nightgown, but he didn’t move toward her.
They didn’t seek passion that night. Both of them were exhausted to the point of collapse.
However, Victoria loved how Richard climbed into bed with her, his back to her.
She understood why. It was too tempting to embrace and forget the wound.
So, she had to make adjustments. She turned toward him, pressing her body to his back. He groaned at the contact.
“You are a tease, Victoria Weston,” he muttered. “But it’s time to sleep now. The war is over.”
She would like to say she had other kinds of warfare in mind as she pressed her breasts to his back, torturing him. Torturing herself.
But even with such thoughts in her mind, both the Duke and Duchess of Hawksford gave in to sleep, bodies entwined.