Chapter 23
23
Heaven
I gently tap my finger against the white Formica table at the Huntsman Grub while the prospect John, who I kissed, watches from the counter, and I wonder if I’m making a mistake.
Yesterday, after giving him the silent treatment for the past week, I told Travis I loved him, which I do. However, I still don’t trust him, and the thought of being on club grounds, being close to her , makes me sick to my stomach.
I want to run; I want to go grab my son from school and run.
I need some advice, someone who won’t automatically push me toward my husband, and someone to help me see reason. I need someone who isn’t a therapist, who can give it to me straight.
We can’t keep living in limbo.
He’s punishing himself over the baby while I’m just numb over everything that has happened. I spent ten years trying my hardest to move on from him, always failing, and now this is it, go full in with our marriage or walk away for good.
I look at my wedding ring, still not used to it, but also unable to remove it for a second time, which says a lot about my heart. I just need trust because without trust, there is no future between us.
The bell to the door chimes, and I look up and swallow hard, seeing my mother and mother-in-law walk in, talking. They are both dressed similarly, with jeans and a tee, while Tina has her property cut on.
They’re night and day, yet they get on really well.
My mom is hard-working and constantly puts men down, while Tina is soft and willingly lives with her husband’s actions, day in and day out.
I always admired her for what she did, but then Travis did what he did, and I thought she was stupid. I don’t understand how she could forgive it not once but twice, with a baby to boot, especially when the thought of being in that common room gives me hives.
“Hey, sweetheart,” my mom mumbles as she kisses my cheek, and I smile a little.
The woman is, well, she’s different, that’s for sure. Since I woke up, she’s been sweet, kind, caring, and the perfect grandmother to Micha, who now asks for her to pick him up from school and attend his practices and games.
And all it took was for her to become dependent on herself and not a man—who knew?
Tina leans down next and kisses my forehead before taking a seat next to my mom. Both women look at me attentively as a waitress brings them coffee.
Once the woman is gone, I lick my bottom lip and take a deep breath before I say, “Thank you both for coming.”
Mom nods while Tina replies, “Anything for you, Heaven….”
I give her a small smile, even though it feels weird to have her on my side, and wrap my hands around my mug. Mom notices.
“You’re wearing your wedding ring again.”
I eye the metal and admit, “Not by choice. I woke up with it on.” I look at the women. “The last time I saw it was when I handed it to Steal after I caught Travis with Ginger.”
Tina flinches while Mom leans forward and asks, “If it isn’t by choice, why are you still wearing it?”
I swallow hard and admit, “Because I can’t seem to let myself remove it for a second time.”
“Because if you do, then you are saying your marriage is truly over,” Tina cuts in, and I nod in confirmation.
I remove the ring, I’m leaving my husband, the divorce will be filed and finalized, and he won’t be able to stop it because he will also know I’m done.
“I need some advice,” I admit. I look at both women, and both look at me like I have two heads with the fact I’m coming to them, and I chuckle. “Mom, you hate men,” I say, and she shrugs, not denying it. “And Tina, you forgave your husband, twice, for his affairs.”
She nods and summarizes, “You need different people with different experiences to help you sort your head out.”
I nod. “I do because I am so confused and so conflicted.” I look down at my ring again and swallow hard. “I’ve spent ten years putting Micha first and trying to move on from the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. I filed for divorce and petitioned it over thirteen times, and each time, it got declined.” I look up at them. “Every time I close my eyes, I see that look of pleasure on his face. Every day, I hear their moans and his words, and I’ve tried to move past it, tried to give him a chance by going to therapy, by allowing him to basically move back home—heck, I even let him get away with screwing with my birth control, and when I woke up, I was still willing to work on it….”
Mom supplies, “Then last week happened.”
I nod and say, “He moved all my stuff to his house, but I kept silent because I didn’t want to rock the boat. I didn’t want to cause an argument, especially considering how distant he was becoming after I woke up.”
“He blames himself for the baby,” Tina informs me, and I nod.
“And that is why I didn’t want to rock the boat. I spent the week trying to rile him up just to get some sort of reaction from him that wasn’t a grunt or a scowl, but then the idiot, yet again, didn’t use his brain.” I scoff and look at Tina. “Would you have sat in the room for an hour with a bunch of strangers waiting to grill you while having the woman who screwed your husband smirking at you?”
Tina picks up her coffee, takes a sip, and then admits, “I would have cut my husband’s balls off.”
I slam my hand down with anger and frustration. “I knew he wasn’t aware I was being discharged but the man didn’t even think, didn’t consider my feelings, just like ten years ago when he thought spending our first anniversary, that he forgot by the way, in a clubhouse full of men having sex, when I had just given birth to his son…. God, I hadn’t even had a proper shower in the two months after Micha was born because the idiot was never home, and each time Micha slept, I tried to do the housework instead, ensuring Travis’s clothes were clean. He always had a meal waiting for him before work most nights, too.”
I huff and lean back in my seat, my eyes tearing up with frustration. “I always put him first, and yet the one time I needed him to put me first, yet again, he didn’t; instead, the club was his priority, even on the day I was discharged. And being near that clubhouse, the memory of what I had to witness, consumes me to the point his touch makes me feel dirty.” I wipe away the fallen tears and look at the two women. “When he picked me up last week, a part of me believed maybe he was still sleeping with her.”
Tina winces while my mom sighs and leans forward, grabs my hand, and says, “He isn’t, sweetheart, and I know that is shocking coming from me of all people, but I saw the way he was when you were in a coma. The man was barely hanging on, Heaven, he was a shell of himself. He loves you; he’s just struggling with guilt over the baby.”
I sigh. “But he doesn’t have anything to feel guilty about.”
Tina tilts her head at me, and understanding shines as she says, “You’re not as upset, are you, over losing it?”
I flinch and grab my cup before admitting, “I was initially devastated. I felt like a part of me was missing, but then I realized I still don’t trust Travis, I still hear his words, and when he started distancing himself, I realized I was relieved there was no baby, and then I felt guilty for feeling that way to begin with, I mean, it wasn’t the baby’s fault his dad was a cheating jerk.”
Tina leans forward and grabs my hand, gripping it in hers, and she whispers, “It’s a normal reaction, Heaven. This baby was forced on you, and you had no choice but to go along with it. You don’t have anything to feel guilty about, and as for my son, please don’t leave him.” I sniffle. “Hit him, make him pay, but don’t leave him, and not because I don’t want my son hurting but because I know you love him more than anything in this world.”
I look at her as she grips my hand harder and she says, “When you filed for a divorce, I was jealous.” My eyes widen, but she just smiles. “I was jealous because you dared to leave, to not be with a man who hurt you, and I hated it because I stayed, and to this day, I still feel like he’s straying, I still wonder where he is….” She gently wipes away my tears that fall. “You fought against him, put your son first, got yourself through law school without his help. You became an independent woman, but now, why don’t you put your heart first?”
“Because he already broke it once, because yet again, he put his feelings first instead of mine.” I sniffle. “I knew he moved my stuff to his place, and yet I said nothing, willing to go along with it until I was fit enough to fight with him, and yet after a week of pushing me away instead of communicating with me, something he promised to do in therapy, he expected me to sit in that room with that woman….”
Mom sits forward, putting her hand over ours, and whispers, “But your heart is nothing without that man, Heaven…. I have watched, for ten years, you fight the love you had for him. I tried to make sure you didn’t go back and end up bitter like me, something I thought would happen if you stayed in your marriage, but deep down, I saw the pain you kept hiding. You gave that man your everything the day you met. You love him, so why not go all the way in, and if he hurts you, I’ll help you bury his body.”
I snort, wiping away my tears as Tina interjects, “And I’ll be the getaway driver.” She grins before she says, “Seriously, Heaven, even I can see how miserable you both have been over the years apart. Then you started therapy…. Even though I didn’t know about it, I saw a difference in him, I saw the pep in his step.” Her eyes race between mine. “Come back to the clubhouse with us, claim your man, and put that bitch in her place.”
I swallow hard and look between them.
“Heaven,” Mom says, making me look her way, “do something I never did and go fight for your man, show him you are not some damsel in distress that he can treat like shit. Show him you deserve respect, or you are done. Give him one warning to get his act together, but don’t walk away because, I promise you, you will regret it if you do.”
My heart pounds, my palms sweat.
Can I do that that?
Can I be brave and force him to start putting me first for once?
What do I have to lose, right? If he doesn’t respect me, our marriage is already over anyway.