Chapter 8
Eight
Johnny
After shoving our bags into the bedroom and putting the groceries away, we both sat on the couch.
For a few moments neither of us spoke and the quiet of the cabin soothed me.
In the distance I could hear the rushing of the river nearby and the wind as it blew through the tall pines that surrounded the cabin.
The smell of pine was everywhere and just a glance outside reminded me we were nowhere near anyone else.
“I could almost go for a nap,” Devon said and relaxed deeper into the couch.
“Come here.” I held my arm out and he lay down on the couch with his head in my lap. “Thank you for bringing me here.”
“I really wanted some alone time with you,” he murmured as his eyes closed.
“I always want more time with you.” I ran my fingers through his hair as his breath evened out, and he fell asleep. It was so quiet here, something I wasn’t used to, but I enjoyed. It wasn’t long before I was nodding off too.
Devon stretching woke me up with a start. “Sorry. babe, I need to use the bathroom,” he said before hopping up off the couch and hurrying down the hall.
Stretching and working the kink out of my neck, I walked over to the window and looked outside. It was beautiful here, and, so far removed from the real world and all the stress and choices I wasn’t willing to think about.
“Hey, did you want to go for a walk around the area?” Devon asked as he wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my shoulder. “There’s a trail that goes along the river.”
“That sounds nice. I can’t remember the last time I went for a walk,” I said and realized it was true. Everything in my life was about the band and any free time was spent either writing music or practicing. It didn’t leave me any time to do something for myself.
He slipped my coat over my shoulders and put on his own. “Let’s go. We can finish unpacking later.”
Opening the door, he took my hand and led us outside. The day had turned cold, but it made it so much more perfect here. Taking a deep breath, I savored the scent of pine and other plants in the area.
“It’s beautiful here,” I said.
“Really? I wasn’t sure if you’d be okay with being in the middle of nowhere, but I knew both of us needed a break from all the craziness of the past few months on the road.”
“It’s perfect, and something I never would have done for myself.”
“We’re always with someone else. Either in the van, practice, or onstage. The only time we have to ourselves is in a hotel room. I don’t even know where you live,” he said, stopping me in my tracks.
“Really?”
“Yeah, we’ve never talked about it. I know you did have a place in LA, but I’ve never been there.”
“I let that go a while ago and put all my stuff in a storage unit. Right now, I don’t have a permanent address.” Devon stopped walking and pulled me up short.
“You don’t have a home?”
“Not right now, but it’s not a big deal. We’re not anyplace long enough for me to stay more than one night anyway.”
“But you need your own place. We won’t always be touring like this. Plus, what about now while we have time off?” Devon was worried. It was etched in the tightness of his brow and the way his normally bright eyes had dimmed.
“I’ll find an apartment or a condo eventually.
What would you think about me moving to Sacramento?
” The thought had been on my mind for a while, but I wasn’t sure what Devon would think.
Having grown up in LA I was ready for a change and Sacramento was great.
The fact that Devon lived there was a bonus.
“What about Jeremy and Mateo?”
“Well, Mateo’s parents live in Stockton and Jeremy is as ready to get out of LA as I am. Plus when I talked to Tanner, he said it wasn’t an issue and it would actually give us a new market to build.”
“Sounds like you’ve made your mind up,” he said, but I couldn’t tell if he was happy or still shocked. Possibly a little of both.
“Devon, I know we’ve both been working hard to make the band a success. But I need more than the band.” I wasn’t sure what made me confess that other than finally being alone with someone who I cared about more than the band or anything else.
“That’s why I wanted you to come out here. I needed time with you.”
“Things will be different when we go back,” I said but knew as soon as we were touring, we’d be right back to the grind we’d just escaped from.
Devon was still new to the game. I knew how much he loved it, but I also knew he’d had a hard time sticking with anything in his past. The band was different; he was fully committed.
“Will it?” Devon asked.
“I want it to be.”
“Johnny, we tried to talk to you several times, but you didn’t want to hear it,” Devon said, his voice soft but his tone stern.
I was at a loss for words. He was right, but I’d just been focused. “I’ve tried so many times to be part of a successful band, and not one time did it work until now. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“I know, but there has to be a balance. Mateo and Jeremy, they’d never say anything. But there’s more than practicing every day and playing every gig. I want more than that with you,” he said. “Did I tell you how bad it got for my uncle?”
“What do you mean?” I asked. I knew his uncle Glen had played drums for Blinding Light and they’d had lots of drama in the past, but I didn’t know much more than Devon had taken over for him when he’d been injured.
“My uncle was the same as you. Playing in a band was all he’d ever wanted.
He met my aunt Jess when they were teenagers, and she thought it was hot that he was a drummer in a band.
At first, she followed him to every show.
They ended up married, and he ended up with Blinding Light.
” He took my hand and squeezed my fingers before he continued.
“She traveled with them the next few years and even did different jobs to help out. But once they started having kids that all changed.”
“For her or for him?” I asked.
“Both. She didn’t want to be a single mom, and family is everything to Uncle Glen. Even if it took him a few years to realize it.”
“When you filled in for him—”
“He broke his leg because Jess wanted him to spend more time with the family and that was when he realized there was more to life than following a dream that wasn’t as important to him as it had been when they first started.
He said he missed so many important moments and he’s not willing to do that again.
Which is why they started working on a set schedule with more time off. ”
“Is that what you’d like?”
“I’m not sure. All I know for sure is I don’t want to regret the time I’ve spent playing.”
We walked along the bank of the river. It was running high, probably rain swollen from recent storms, and looked cold as hell. But it was beautiful and being here with Devon filled a part of me I never knew I needed. “I don’t want to regret it either.”
“You don’t have to give up anything. That’s not what I’m saying.” Devon stopped and took my face in his cold hands. “I would never want you to give up your dream.”
“Remember before we went on stage at Rocktoberfest and I told you there was something I needed to tell you?”
“Yeah,” he said, and his brow creased with worry. “I thought you were nervous.”
“I was, but I also realized that isn’t all I want in life.” Pushing those words out was hard. Admitting my dream wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, was even harder.
“It’s not?”
“Devon, I’ve been doing this for so long.
It’s all I’ve known for most of my life and even if I love parts of it, I’m tired of chasing something that will never be enough.
I’m so fucking tired.” If twenty-year-old me heard what I’d just said, he’d tell me I was stupid.
That I was finally getting what I wanted.
But what twenty-year-old me wanted was a distant memory that didn’t mean as much to me now.
I wanted a life. Not a career that consumed my life and, in the end, left me alone.
“What are you saying?” Devon asked.
“I don’t know if I want to continue.” The words were out and there was no way to suck them back out of the atmosphere. Now he knew what I’d been hiding for months. “I know you’re tired of the grind, but it’s so much more for me.”
“Tell me,” he said.
“We need to talk about where the band goes from here, and where we go. Because I don’t want to lose you,” I said and hoped this was the right thing to do. “Losing you would be worse than anything else I can imagine.”