Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
Maple
I haven’t done something so impulsive and messy and loud —take that, Dexter—in so long I’m practically giddy. Yes, I’m downright giddy over giving Holt a blow job in semi-public. I lift my head and wipe my mouth, on the verge of throwing my head back and cackling with glee.
“I love you, Maple Thatcher,” Holt says, staring me right in the eyes.
Mine, of course, go wide in shock. A thank-you might have been warranted, but a declaration of love? Forget magical pussies, I have a magical mouth, apparently.
I swallow back the cackle that now seems highly inappropriate and address those three little words making my heart pound in my chest. Hope is a sneaky thing, winding her way through my veins before I’ve had a chance to calm her down and talk reason. “Did you mean to anchor that thought in your journal instead of saying it out loud?”
Holt hasn’t moved a muscle since blurting it out. I think maybe I sucked the life out of him, but no, there it is. Movement. His gaze draws up and down my face, each sweep relaxing his shoulders and rekindling the fire in his eyes. And then…a brilliant smile. The kind that lights my world and burns away all the doubts swirling in my brain.
“No,” he says simply.
I tilt my head and push a lock of hair off my sweaty forehead. It’s getting hot here in this Jeep without a window cracked. “No, you don’t love me? Or no, you didn’t mean to anchor the word?”
Holt fumbles with his shorts and tucks himself back inside before swiveling toward me, now suddenly crackling with energy. “No, I didn’t mean to anchor it. I meant to say it to you.” His grin turns sheepish, but he takes my hands in his. “Maybe not right this second. A more romantic moment, perhaps, but I’m not sorry you know. I love you, Maple. I’ve been trying to talk myself out of it, but there’s no reasoning with what I feel in my heart.”
Every battered and bruised part of my own heart leans toward him.
“Will you let me start over? Explain myself?” His light eyes have gone deep blue, sincere in his request.
I nod and he shoots me a relieved smile before letting me go and climbing out of the Jeep. He comes around the hood and opens my door, helping me to my feet. I only get one step toward the cabin before he swoops me up into his arms.
“What are you doing?” I protest, but ruin it by snuggling into his strong chest and wrapping my arms around his neck. I play with his hair, seeing how it’s gotten longer and lighter since I got here.
“I figured a little more romance would go a long way,” he answers with a smirk. He’s not even breathing hard when he gets down the long driveway and opens the cabin’s front door. It strikes me as odd not to hear Mookie’s little nails scratching the wood floor to greet us. How quickly I’ve come to associate this cabin and this man with home.
He deposits me on the couch and sits down next to me. “I’m actually kind of embarrassed I said that…you know…after…” His cheeks have a tinge of pink to them, and it’s adorable.
“A blow job?”
He closes his eyes for a moment. “Yeah. I meant it, but my timing should have been better. I’m sorry for that.”
I put my hands on his to stop him. “I’m not really a girl who needs all the romantic gestures. I’d rather have honesty.”
He nods, knowing my history with Dexter. “And I can honestly say that I love you. I love your devotion to your grandma. I love your heart for animals and their owners. I admire how you actively work on the things that some other man hurt you with. Those wounds weren’t inflicted by you, but you’re doing the work to heal them anyway. I love your style and how you move your body. I love your sense of humor and the courage you displayed by coming here and pretending to be engaged to me. I love how we blend so seamlessly.” He looks down at our hands. “I always thought a woman wouldn’t want to live with me. I’m difficult. I forget things. I lose track of time. And yet, you don’t seem to mind. You accept my failings and help me through them. You’re incredible, Maple.”
Tears have gathered in my eyes. No one has ever said anything like that to me before, not even my own parents. They tell me they love me, sure, but it’s always followed up with what I need to do better. I love you, but…
Not Holt. He loves me. Full stop. No buts, or I wish you did this, or if only I could change you.
“You make me feel safe to be me,” I say quietly. “Maybe the first person who’s ever made me feel that way. I didn’t come here looking for love, but I should have known that Anchor Lake would be the place I’d find it. It’s always been home for me.”
Holt’s eyes go wide again. “Are you saying…?”
I grin, testing out the words in my head and feeling that click in my soul. That feeling when you know something is right. “Yeah. I’m saying I love you too.”
Holt tackles me to the couch and suddenly I’m horizontal, laughing hysterically as he tries to kiss every bare inch of skin on a couch not made for someone as large as him. Pretty soon I’m breathless with laughter and also on the verge of crying. Holt lifts his head and stares down at me, wonder in his expression. He leans down to pluck a sweet kiss from my lips and then holds his weight on his elbows.
“We did everything backwards. Engaged, then dating.”
I push back the unruly hair on his forehead. “Don’t forget our first kiss, followed by a decade or so of nothing.”
He twists to kiss the inside of my wrist. “Not nothing. It was years of both of us growing and getting to this point where everything is perfect for us to be together.”
A worry tries to darken my happiness. “What if one day you tire of me? What if I’m too loud? Too weird? What if I get mad and don’t want to be this zen yoga girl?”
Holt pushes off the couch and stands, holding out his hand. “Try me.”
I sit up and put my hand in his. “What?”
He tugs me off the couch. “Get mad. Get loud. Shout, if you want. Rant. Rave. Throw shit.”
My jaw drops. “I…I can’t…”
“Yes, you can.” His hands come up to cup my face, squishing my cheeks together. “I don’t love you conditionally, Maple. You’re going to have good days and bad. You’re going to grow and change and try new things and so will I. We’re going to grow together, letting each other have the space to do what they need to do.”
Tears fill my eyes again. It’s exactly what I need to hear. Exactly what Dexter and I didn’t have. Why we didn’t work out. He wanted me, but only the version that he created. Same as my parents. There’s pride and love there, but it still feels conditional. They love me despite what a screwup I am.
Holt releases me and pushes me into the middle of the room before sitting back down on the couch and draping his arms across the back. “Now get mad. Be really fucking loud about it if you want.”
I feel silly suddenly. “I can’t just be mad on command.”
Holt sits forward, his elbows on his knees. “Okay. I can help with that. Let’s talk about that love song Megan sang to me today. And I’m pretty sure she tried to trap me in the IV room with her the other day.”
That’s the first I’ve heard about that. “She did? What did you do?”
“I had to physically move her to the side and exit.”
Okay, now I’m pissed. “You know, if you were female and that was what a male employee did, that would be sexual harassment in the workplace. She should be fired, Holt.”
He hems and haws, not looking all that concerned. “She’s just a flirt.”
“No! That’s sexual harassment! Does it happen often?”
“Every day,” he drawls.
I advance on him, my index finger in his face. “You need to fire her. Immediately! That’s so inappropriate, along with being harassment. It’s not right that she gets away with it because she’s female. Harassment is harassment. You shouldn’t have to constantly be on your toes at work to avoid her.”
Holt leans over to the end table and pulls out the drawer, finding a pair of glasses. This pair has clear plastic frames. I’ve actually never seen him wear them. He holds them out to me.
“She gave me these. Said she wants me to see her clearly. I’m not sure if she was being seductive or just being nice.”
Anger is a real thing in my chest, burning away all the kind thoughts I try to have about every human being. I snatch the glasses from his hands and stare down at them. Something’s bubbling up and instead of taking a deep breath and pushing it down, I let it rise. I let it loose and toss the fucking glasses to the hardwood floor at my feet. I lift my foot and stomp on the glasses with all my might.
The sound of snapping plastic is loud in the cabin and it stops me short. One side of the glasses shoots out to the side and disappears under the couch. The other side is still under my shoe, hopefully smashed beyond repair. Holt begins to clap. My head snaps up to see him smiling at me.
“Great job! That was a really great first tantrum.” He stands and stops clapping. “Oh, and I still love you. Tantrum, stomping, smashing of glasses, and all. It was actually pretty cute.” He leans down and kisses me.
I narrow my eyes at him. “You tricked me.”
“No, I proved to you that you exploring your loud, angry side is fine by me. In fact, I’m proud of you. Face it. I love you, my little moonbeam. Now and always.”
A grin grows on my face, and I can’t seem to repress it. It did feel good to rant about that nurse who’s way over the line. “I still want you to fire her.”
Holt tucks my hair behind my ear. “I will handle it. Now get naked and do the splits on my face this time so I can reward you for a tantrum well done.”
My face immediately heats. Holt lifts an eyebrow. “I’m not kidding.” He reaches down and pulls my tank top over my head and throws it to the ground where it joins the broken glasses. Appreciation and love for this man flow over me.
“Get on the ground.”
Holt’s grin is smug. “Yes, ma’am.” And he does. He lies right down at my feet and looks up at me like I’m the moon he’s trying to lasso.
I do what any woman would do with a man like Holt staring up at her with lust in his eyes. I strip naked and sit on his face, letting him send me flying into outer space with his mouth.
Gracie’s diary
(61 years ago)
Dear Diary,
It’s been six months since Hank and his family disappeared in the night. I haven’t heard one word from him. Mama came in my room that first day and saw the ring. She was stunned, then horrified. I told her the whole truth, wanting her to see Hank for who he is, but she couldn’t get past what the town might think. She made me take the gold band off my finger, but I clutch it to my chest every night when I cry myself to sleep. I’m sad for what could have been, I’m angry he left without talking to me, and I’m starting to think everyone is right.
I need to move on.
The whole town believes his father robbed the church. Their last name has become a curse word in town among the parishioners. I know his father isn’t a good man, but Hank is. It’s not right that he got lumped in with his father’s wrongdoings. But right and wrong don’t seem to matter when the whole town believes something.
Classes at the junior college are going fine, but I feel like all the life has been sucked out of me. Nothing excites me anymore. My friends complain that I never want to go out. Even Daddy has noticed a change in me.
So when Mama insists for the hundredth time that she has someone she wants me to go on a date with, I finally agree. It’s mostly to get my parents off my back. I think maybe something is needed to get the groove back in my life. I don’t want to live this way forever, feeling dead inside.
“His name’s Colby. He’s a good man. Comes from an excellent family. They only come to Anchor Lake over the summer, but his mama is involved in the church quite a bit when she’s here. She said Colby’s looking for a job here. Looking to settle down.”
It’s all just minutia. Things I don’t care about. I don’t intend to like this man, but maybe he can help me pass the time.
Except he picked me up on our date tonight, and when I opened the door and he smiled at me, something inside my chest eased. I stepped out onto the porch and accepted the bouquet of flowers. Roses. Not dogwoods. I buried my nose in the blooms and breathed them in. When I exhaled, I said goodbye to Hank forever.