Chapter 44
Jack
Seven Months
Abby: I have a favor to ask
Even just seeing her name on my phone makes my heart skip. It’s unfair, and unreasonable, and unsustainable to want her the way I do–but goddamn, do I.
I’ll do anything you want, pretty girl.
As much as I want to spill my guts and tell her exactly how I feel, I know I need to keep this to myself for now. And probably forever. So I send a normal, casual response.
Jack: What’s up?
Abby: Do you think Granny would watch Erin tonight?
Abby: Ellie is determined to “get me back in society”
Abby: I’m sure you’ll hear from Griffin any second
Comically on cue, our text thread is replaced by Griffin’s name flashing on my screen.
“Are you going to try and convince me to go out tonight?”
“Goddammit,” he huffs. “She already got to you.”
“The fact that I don’t know which 'she' you’re referring to is alarming in and of itself.”
“Whatever, it doesn’t matter. My darlin’ wife is hellbent on getting Abby out and about, and she says that won’t happen without you.”
“I don’t know man,” I say hesitantly. “Erin is still so little, the thought of leaving her even for a few hours makes my skin crawl.”
“Uncle Jack sounds a lot like Daddy Jack these days…you ready to talk about your feelings yet?”
“First of all, never call me daddy again,” I growl. “Second, can we go back to pre-Ellie Griffin? You know, the one who never talked about feelings. Ever.”
“I wouldn’t go back to pre-Ellie Griffin for anything, she’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“I know man, I’m just messing. If Abby says yes, then sure, I’ll come out.”
“She’ll say yes. Ellie won’t take no for an answer.”
“Sweet Ellie Bellie sure does turn scary real quick.”
“Don’t I know it,” he chuckles. “God, I love her. Anyway, see you tonight.”
When the call ends, I see that Abby has sent an onslaught of additional texts.
Abby: It’s totally okay if she can’t
Abby: It’s just that Alan and Andrea are out of town, and my dad is an anxious mess about being alone with her, and Nate is a human tornado
Abby: The only other person I’d trust baby girl with is Granny
Abby: Shit, did that cross a boundary?
Abby: Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. Ignore me.
Pinching the bridge of my nose and heaving a sigh, I bring the phone back to my ear, the call barely ringing once before she picks up.
“I’m sorry, that was totally inappropriate. Of course Granny can’t watch Erin, and I shouldn’t have asked,” she rattles off at lightning speed.
“Abby, it’s okay. I’m sure she’d love to. You know how she is around the tiny pretty girl, she’s completely enamored.”
I hear her sigh of relief and can picture exactly how her shoulders just relaxed.
“Sometimes I forget how unorthodox this is. It feels like you’re my partner in this, but that’s not fair to you. And I shouldn’t rely on you so much, it’s unfair to–”
“Shh, calm down pretty girl,” I say, the nickname both bitter and sweet on my tongue. “It may not be a typical partnership, but you can rely on me. For as long as you want.”
A long pause on the other end of the call makes me immediately regret my words.
So much for friendly and casual.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean that we’re actually partners, just that, well I like being there for you, and it’s never felt like an obligation, and–”
“Shh, calm down Jack Robbit,” she giggles, repeating my own words back to me.
“Don’t call me that,” I say, grinning.
“Not a chance,” she says, and I can tell she’s smiling just from her tone. “Okay, if you really think she’d be okay with it, please call her. Tell her it will just be for a few hours. I don’t think I can handle any longer than that.”
Her voice cracks on the last word, and God I wish I was there to wrap my arms around her. She gets close to tears when she leaves Erin for twenty minutes to go take a shower–this will be the longest she’s left her, and I know it’s going to be difficult for her.
“You’ll both be okay,” I assure her. “I’ll have Granny come to the house and watch her there, that way you can see her the second you get home.”
“Thank you,” she whispers, voice wavering. “I seriously don’t know what we’d do without you.”
“You’d be just fine. You’re incredible.”
“We love you very much, Jacky boy.”
I love you. In every way possible. So much it hurts.
“I love you back, pretty girls. I’ll come pick you up when I’m off duty so we can leave whenever you want tonight.”
“See you soon,” she sighs before hanging up.
***
A few hours later, we’re all squished into a booth at Denim & Diamonds, laughing and drinking beer like we’re in our twenties again. It feels good to be out like this, better than I expected. Even if I do feel a little fidgety without having something to keep my hands moving constantly.
I should be relaxed, reveling in a night off of both fire and baby duty. But all I can think about is the pretty girl we left at home, and the way Abby’s thigh is pressed next to mine.
“Oh my God, I’ve turned into such a lightweight,” she giggles, leaning in so only I can hear her. “I didn’t realize what not drinking for a year and a half would do to me.”
Chuckling, I tip the neck of my beer bottle into hers with a clink.
“Nothing wrong with that. Cheers to getting drunk for way cheaper.”
“Oh my God, you’re so right,” she gasps. “I’m actually saving money tonight. I think that’s called ‘drinking responsibly.’”
“Whatever you say,” I murmur, grinning as she leans the other direction to giggle about something with Ellie. When she does, she places her hand on my thigh to steady herself. When she straightens up, she doesn’t move it.
Which means absolutely nothing, I mentally scold myself.
Whatever she told Ellie has them both cackling, which is both a good and a very dangerous sign. These two haven’t had the chance to be partners in crime for awhile, and I’m worried what they’re going to do to make up for it.
“Please come dance with me, Griffin,” Ellie says, grabbing her hand as she slides out of the booth. “I promise not to pick a fight and storm off the dance floor this time.”
“You got yourself a deal, darlin’,” he says with a sly smile, taking her hand and pulling her close as they begin to twirl across the dance floor.
“Ugh, I miss dancing,” Abby sighs, leaning against me. “David, come dance with me.”
“Uh, hell no,” he says quickly. “You’re a menace out there, you never let me lead.”
“Only because you’re so bad at it,” she argues. Turning to me, she bats those pretty eyelashes and sends my heart rate to the moon. “What about you, Jacky boy? Will you come dance with me?”
“Anything you want, pretty girl.”
She might not understand exactly what I meant, but it still feels good to say it.
“You know, for a drunk lightweight you sure are nimble,” I marvel, following her lead as she dances to the music in perfect time.
“I’m actually a better dancer when I’m drunk,” she yells over the music. “Don’t tell anyone my secret.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
Every spot her skin touches mine lights up like fireworks.
The hem of her t-shirt has hiked up–the perfect opportunity to lightly graze my thumb over the small patch of exposed skin.
Despite being the toughest woman I know, everything about her is incredibly soft.
Her skin, her hair, the way she smiles at me.
I want to bottle up that smile and keep it forever.
“I don’t think I’ve seen you up close for this long before,” she says, a small crease forming between her brows. “Did you know you have a tiny starburst of blue around your pupils?”
“Can’t say I’ve ever noticed,” I say, face flushing under her intensely focused glaze.
“They’re really beautiful,” she mutters, seemingly to herself. “You’re really beautiful.”
“I don’t know if anyone’s ever used that word to describe me before, but I’ll take it,” I joke, trying to break whatever immense tension is brewing between us.
I can’t handle it. I never want it to end.
“I mean it, Jack,” she says emphatically, coming to a stop at the back edge of the dance floor. “I don’t know how I haven’t noticed it before. You’re…unreal.”
“Alright, pretty girl, I think it’s time we get you home,” I say evasively, tucking a loose curl behind her ear. “Get you some water, some comfy clothes, a hundred baby kisses.”
“I miss her,” she says, eyes watering. “And I feel guilty for having fun. And for…” She doesn’t finish her sentence, but her eyes drop to my mouth, then back up to lock on mine.
“And for what?”
“For feeling like this,” she says quietly.
Without warning, she stands up on her toes and places a soft kiss to my lips–tentatively, like dipping your toes in the pool to see how cold the water is.
She must decide the water’s fine, because she does it again, more firmly this time, hands sliding up and around my neck.
This is everything I want, my wildest dream come true.
She’s also tipsy, and emotional, and vulnerable. And you’re…there. Don’t be selfish. Don’t make this about you.
Even though every part of me is screaming not to, I put my hands on her shoulders, gently pushing her away and taking a step back.
“Oh shit,” she whispers, eyes going wide with shock. “I don’t know what came over me.”
“It’s okay,” I say, voice straining with the pain of accepting that this isn’t real, that it’s simply a product of alcohol and loneliness, and not anything more. “Don’t worry about it. Let’s get you home.”
Without another word, we head back to the booth to grab our things, giving rushed goodbyes to our friends before stepping into the cool night air. We stay silent as we walk to my car, as we drive home, as we go through the front door.
Granny gushes over Erin, how much fun they had and how easily she went to bed. She and Abby discuss every way Erin is perfect in great detail, at length, before I finally interrupt them.
“Thanks for coming over Granny,” I say a little too loudly. “I know Abby really appreciates it.”
“Well, I hope you two had fun,” she says, a mischievous glint in her eye.
“It wasn’t just us, it was the whole group,” I counter.
“But we did have soooo much fun,” Abby sighs happily, her voice slurring slightly.
Granny chuckles, patting her on the cheek before turning to kiss mine.
“Come over soon, Jack dear,” she says, quiet enough for just the two of us. “I think we have some things to discuss.”
“There’s nothing to talk about Granny,” I whisper furiously. “Nothing at all.”
She hums, hoisting her bag on her shoulder and turning the knob on the door.
“We’ll see about that.”
She leaves it at that, mercifully, and I turn around to find Abby gone, a ruckus in her room letting me know that she’s changing her clothes, and with great effort apparently.
She pads out of her room in an oversized shirt that hangs halfway down her thighs, her auburn curls released from the half-ponytail that had been pulling them back. She curls her index finger, beckoning me toward Erin’s nursery.
We stand in the doorway silently, watching our tiny pretty girl sleeping peacefully.
Her girl. Not yours. There is no “ours”.
“I’m sorry about before,” she murmurs.
I’m not.
“It’s okay, no big deal,” I lie.
“You can leave if you want,” she says, her eyes full of questioning. “She sleeps through the night now anyway, I don’t need backup duty. I get it if it's weird now.”
“If you want me to leave, I will,” I say, every word costing me a piece of my heart.
“I don’t,” she whispers. “I like having someone here. I like having you here.”
You and me both, pretty girl. You and me both.
“Then I’ll stay,” I say simply. “For as long as you want.”
With a nod, she disappears into the bedroom. I sit in the rocking chair next to the crib, watching Erin as she sleeps peacefully, not a care in the world. A half hour passes before I decide to take myself to bed. Before I do, I peek carefully into Abby's room, checking to see if she's asleep.
"Jack?" she murmurs drowsily. "Is that you?"
"Sorry," I whisper. "I didn't mean to wake you."
"Didn't wake me," she mumbles. "Wasn't asleep yet."
She wordlessly pats the spot next to her on the bed, a silent invitation to crawl up next to her.
I really shouldn't. Not after tonight. I know that gate isn't really open, but now that it feels like it for me, it's agony to be this close to her and not be able to touch her the way I want to.
"I can't believe I kissed you," she says, half asleep. "That's not how I wanted that to go."
"Don't worry," I say, only because I don't think she'll remember this conversation in the morning. "When I'm the one kissing you, it'll be on purpose. You'll know that I mean it."
"Good," she sighs. "I hope I didn't ruin things."
"You couldn't ruin things with me if you tried," I say, reaching up to stroke her hair.
She thinks there's something to ruin.
She finally gives in to sleep, her breathing evening, the concerned lines on her face smoothing out.
I lay for awhile, watching her the way I watched Erin.
When I'm sure I won't wake her, I slip out of bed and the room, wishing I could hold her all night, but knowing she might not remember she invited me in.
Whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, I meant every word I said—when I finally kiss her like I want to, she's going to know I mean it.