Chapter 2
CHAPTER
TWO
It was a werewolf.
An honest to God giant, bulging werewolf.
It stood on two feet, gigantic and bulging with thick muscle, and its sleek black fur was sprinkled with silver. Its eyes were a brilliant shade of ice blue, and there was a scar cutting through the left one. It was incredible and terrifying, and…
Okay, fuck this.
Seymour swung the flowers as hard as he could.
In that moment, attacking seemed like a good idea.
Attacking with flowers, not so much.
The werewolf barely flinched as the blossoms made contact with its snout. Its nose wiggled, one of its eyes twitched, and then it sneezed.
“Hey!” Neil protested, eerily calm for someone in the presence of a hulking werewolf. “Why did you wolf out?”
The werewolf tried to speak, but then sneezed again. It held up a claw, blinking slowly as it turned to stare at a light.
“Say elephant!” Flanders called out. “That’s supposed to help.”
“Is it stuck now?” asked the woman, frowning with concern. “I could make you some tea to help! The pollen really has just been so awful this year.”
“Great!” The werewolf growled. “Now it is stuck.”
“Sorry. That sucks.” Neil came over to rub the werewolf’s back. “Now, do you wanna tell me why you’re all wolfed out?”
“Because he can see Myrna and Flanders.” The werewolf gestured at Seymour. “Hello?”
“And he would like to leave.” Seymour tried to step around them. “Goodbye!”
The werewolf grabbed Seymour’s shoulder. “Not until you explain how you’re able to see the spirits of the Reliquary.”
“The Reli-what now?” Seymour scoffed.
“That’s us!” The woman waved and then did a little curtsey. “I’m Myrna. A pleasure! This handsome pup is Flanders! Not sure if you heard him before since you seemed a bit out of sorts. He’s really quite nice—”
“Don’t let her lie to you,” Flanders cut in as his eyes narrowed. “I will eat you.” He looked over Seymour thoughtfully. “But head first. Out of respect for your shoes.”
Myrna ignored him and kept going, saying cheerfully, “This young man is Neil, of course, and this other handsome pup is Lou!”
“Mr. Morénas-Mostro,” Lou corrected sternly, narrowing his icy eyes at Seymour.
“Mr. Move Your Damn Hand,” Seymour shot back. “I am leaving right the fuck now—”
“Wait, wait, wait!” Neil held out his hands and offered a kind smile. “Look, I know this seems like a lot. It was for me too—”
“For you?”
“Yeah, I wasn’t exactly prepared for my first surprise werewolf, all right?” Neil tried to hold Seymour’s gaze. “But this is important. Life and death. Please. Just, uh, have a seat? All we wanna do is talk. Lou is gonna wolf in—”
Lou scoffed. “Wolf in?”
“Obviously the opposite of wolfing out!” Neil inhaled slowly and forced a friendly smile. “And then, we can all have a nice little chat.”
There was an odd clacking sound.
It was the letters in the menu that hung over the counter. They shifted around to create an open space in the middle until a single word appeared:
AHEM
“Oh! Where are my manners?” Myrna giggled. “This is Izba.”
“The fuck is an Izba?” Seymour croaked.
The floor beneath Seymour’s feet rattled and groaned.
THIS IS AN IZBA
“Okay.” Seymour took a deep breath.
Dead father he’d never met?
Check.
Werewolf, monster dog, and a talking wall?
Check.
He was officially at his wit’s end for bullshit, and he again tried to bolt for the front door. It was a short-lived attempt because Lou, the werewolf, snatched him up with one big paw.
“Time to relax, lil’ fellow,” Lou warned, effortlessly pulling Seymour back several steps.
Seymour tensed, but he didn’t struggle. It was clear he wouldn’t win against Lou in a physical fight. He could be smart about this though, and he could play nice until he had a chance to make a break for it and get far, far away from this nightmare.
He took a deep breath, squeezed the flowers, and said, “Yeah, sure. I’m relaxed. Chilled to the max.”
Lou growled.
“Okay, so.” Neil ran his hands through his hair. “The short version is there was this wizard? And he caught all these spirits and trapped them in a magical bracelet called the Reliquary.”
“What was his name?” Seymour asked.
“What?”
“The wizard.”
“What about him?”
Seymour scoffed. “He had a name, didn’t he?”
“Uh.” Neil’s confused stare indicated this had somehow never come up.
Lou snarled angrily, hesitated, and then cleared his throat. “Norbert.”
“Norbert?”
NORBERT!
“Right.” Seymour rolled his eyes as hard as he could. “What kinda fuckin’ name is that for a wizard?”
The expression on Lou’s face definitely screamed the desire to bite Seymour’s head clean off his shoulders, but he clenched his sharp teeth together as he grumbled, “Norbert Cobbledick was one of the most powerful men history has ever seen—”
“Gobble what now?”
“Cobble, and it’s—”
DICK
The letters on the menu wiggled.
DICK! RIGHT! HAHA I GET IT NOW
DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK—
“Anyway!” Neil glared at the wall. “Norbert Gobblin’ Up Dick or whatever was a big fancy wizard who made a magical bracelet full of spirits, but no one can see them unless they own it.
” He gestured between himself and Lou. “Or, like, if they owned it at any point in time. Lou is the owner of the Reliquary now—”
“Except for Buffy!” Myrna whispered loudly.
“I was getting to that.” Neil held up his arm to show Seymour a bracelet with a single glass bead.
“This is just one piece of the Reliquary. Lou has the rest.” He gestured toward Lou’s wrist where there was a matching bracelet but had many more glass baubles.
“Buffy chose to leave the Reliquary and chill with me. Since I owned it for a while—”
“Don’t remind me!” Flanders groaned noisily. “Worse time of my life.”
“—I can still hear and see everyone.” Neil ignored Flanders and stared intently at Seymour. “Which now brings us to you.”
“Me?” Seymour frowned. “What?”
“Did you know Neil wears socks with sandals?” Flanders whispered, his eyes glowing with fury. “Socks!”
Neil continued to ignore Flanders with absolute ease, which signaled this sort of thing probably happened a lot. “You can see them. The spirits.”
Flanders howled in dismay. “Imagine being bossed around by someone who wears socks with their sandals! The agony!”
Myrna shushed him.
“Right.” Seymour nodded. “Spirits. Yup. The rockabilly chick, the fashion cop dog, and the talking wall?”
I AM NOT A WALL D:<
I AM ALSO NOT A SPIRIT OF THE RELIQUARY
“Then what the hell are you?” Seymour snorted. “Any relation to that hotel in Colorado or wherever?”
HOW DARE YOU
“Hey, relax. It’s okay.” Neil waved at Izba’s scrambling menu. “One thing at a time, please? Let’s figure out how this nice, normal human can see everybody.” He glanced over Seymour warily. “You are human, right?”
“Yeah!” Seymour threw up his hands. “Last time I checked.”
“Smells human.” Flanders retreated to a patch of sunshine near the door to flop down. “And mmm, like leather. Yummy, beautiful, classic leather.”
Lou wolfed in—as in, he turned back into a human. He was still quite tall and muscular with long dark hair and bright eyes, and he was very, very naked. “Smells human to me too.”
“Where are your clothes?” Neil asked. “Shouldn’t you at least put some pants on?”
“In a minute! I’m not leaving you alone with him.”
“I thought you just said he smells human.”
“But there are some creatures out there who can disguise their true form quite well.”
“I ain’t wearin’ any kinda disguise, and I would have definitely remembered if I’d ever owned a damn magical doodad like this.” Seymour raked his fingers through his hair and tried to find some flowers to look at. “Can we please move along to the part where I get to leave?”
Neil blinked. “That’s it?”
“What?”
“You don’t want to know more about werewolves? Like the fact they’re real? Or, or why the house is magical? Or anything?”
The menu tittered.
I AM VERY INTERESTING
I FOUGHT A UNICORN ONCE
“I’m sure Rarity was real tough! Now! All I wanna know is when I can get to gettin’, all right?” Seymour shook the wreath. “Not exactly havin’ a great day, and I’ve got bigger things to worry ’bout than some crazy magical bullshit.”
“We should probably be a teensy tiny bit concerned about, ahem, your brothers finding out about him,” Myrna said softly. “Maybe best not to mention it at all and just let him go, hmm?”
“Ma’am, you’re a goddess amongst men.” Seymour sighed in relief. “Finally, somebody is talkin’ some sense.”
“It’s too risky.” Lou shook his head. “Not until we know how he’s doing it.”
Neil scratched his stubble, musing, “Well, he did say he used to live here.”
“Yeah, forever fuckin’ ago,” Seymour insisted. “I haven’t been here since I was a kid!”
“Was your family from here?” Myrna asked politely. “One of your parents?”
“My dad. Him and my mama met ’cause she came up here to study at York-Chaney, that big fancy school.” Seymour frowned. “She never did finish, on account of gettin’ knocked up with me.”
“What was your father’s name?”
“Clancy Carver. My mama gave me her last name.”
“Oh, how progressive!”
“Uh-huh. About like how I want to be progressin’ my way to that there door—”
The flower shop trembled.
I KNOW THE ANSWER! ME ME ME ME
“The answer to what?” Seymour clung to the counter.
TO THE QUESTION
OF HOW YOU CAN SEE THE RELIQUARY SPIRITS
There was a pause.
“Well?” Lou demanded. “How?”
ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO LET ME WATCH THE NEW WITCH MUSICAL
“You mean Wicked?” Neil grinned.
YES
I UNDERSTAND THERE TO BE NO HOUSES FALLING ON WITCHES BUT THE SOUNDTRACK IS QUITE GOOD
POPULAR
YOU’RE GONNA BE
POPPP
UUU
LUU
AR
“Yes, I swear we will have an entire Wicked marathon where we just watch it over and over again for hours, but please tell us what you know.”
HE IS OBVIOUSLY RELATED TO A PREVIOUS OWNER OF THE RELIQUARY
IT IS THE SIMPLEST ANSWER, YES?
“Yes, but the Reliquary hasn’t had that many owners,” Lou said. “That’s your big solution?”
KISS
KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID
The word stupid was much larger than the others.