Chapter 7
CHAPTER
SEVEN
It is Izba,” Sariel explained quickly.
Seymour scoffed. “That possessed fuckin’ flower shop?”
“It is not possessed. He is the shop.”
“But sometimes he has legs like a chicken.”
“When he stands up.”
Seymour slurped his coffee. “Okay, okay.” He slurped some more, hoping the precious caffeine would somehow solve all of his problems. He knew that wasn’t possible, so he sighed and asked, “So, Day, you want us to go see the talking chicken leg house?”
Day meowed enthusiastically.
“Okay. Great.” Seymour sagged into his chair. “Loved that place. Can’t wait.”
“Ahem.”
Seymour flinched, glancing over his shoulder to see who it was.
Dagobert stood a few yards away, sneering. He blinked, as if surprised, and then he nodded to the other side of the table with a smirk.
Seymour whipped his head back to see Day chugging more milk.
Right.
Which looked like a cup of milk floating in the air to everyone else.
“Hey, Dracula!” Seymour rolled his eyes. “How about you—”
Dagobert was gone.
“—suck off… Damn! That was a good one too.”
“A good what?” Sariel asked.
“Don’t worry about it.” Seymour patted Sariel’s hand. “So, uh, we don’t have to worry about him or dragon lady?”
“No.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“Why? Is my answer not sufficient?”
Seymour downed the rest of his coffee. “We can chat about it on the way back to the talking shop chicken place whatever.” He reached for Day. “Ready, lil’ girl?”
Day meowed, springing up on Seymour’s shoulder with a happy purr.
“Hey, you got a lil’ somethin’.” Seymour grabbed one of the napkins to carefully dab off a spot of milk from her whiskers.
Day smiled sweetly, holding perfectly still for him.
“There. Now we’re ready.”
“Meow.”
Once they were outside, Seymour fell into step beside Sariel. He took his hand, asking, “The vampire and dragon. Are they not part of the monster mob?”
“As a vampire, Dagobert falls under the rule of Mr. Morénas-Mostro, as all Terrestrial monsters are his.”
“And the dragon?”
“No. She is not a member of the family, but the relationship is considered civil.”
“Civil with a dragon still sounds dangerous as fuck.”
“Oh, it is.”
The sun was dipping behind the buildings, and the sky was a brilliant blend of orange and gold as they arrived at the flower shop. Seymour swore the windows shuddered once they were closer, and he flinched as the door swung open on its own.
Seymour stepped through with Sariel right behind him. “Hey, y’all.”
Neil was there at the counter, but there was no sign of Flanders or Myrna. There were a few customers milling about, and the menu board didn’t move.
“Oh! Hi, Seymour. Wow. Wasn’t expecting to see you again.” Neil blinked in surprise. “And Sariel! And…” He lowered his voice, whispering, “Uh, who’s the new friend?”
Seymour came up to the counter, whispering back, “You can see her?”
“Yeah?”
Day meowed, tilting her head curiously.
“All the items made by you know who must be connected somehow.” Seymour hummed thoughtfully. “The twins and Mr. Heiss were all real sure that I’d be able to see her. So, here we are.”
“This is incredible.” Neil gave Day a sweet smile. “Hi, I’m Neil. Nice to meet you.”
Movement from the Rolodex caught Seymour’s eye, the letters of the current entry melting and shifting around to form new words.
HELLO
OH! DAY! MEOW MEOW MEOW
Day hopped off Seymour’s shoulder, landing gracefully on the counter. She meowed excitedly and headbutted the cash register, rubbing against it.
“Friend of yours?” Neil asked.
YES
A VERY OLD FRIEND
I USED TO BE A HUT!
“Okay, cool.” Seymour grinned. “So, you can understand her, Mr. Hut?”
YES
THIS IS DAY!
SEE? I KNOW THINGS
I AM INTERESTING
A customer stepped up behind Seymour, softly clearing his throat.
Neil saw him and handed Seymour the Rolodex. “Here, uh, take this. Over there. Let me take care of this customer, okay? And then we will handle whatever all this is.”
Seymour waited for Day to jump back on his shoulder and then retreated out of the way.
MEOW MEOW MEOW
Day purred, meowing happily back.
MEOW MEOW!
“It seems they are communicating well,” Sariel remarked.
Seymour chuckled. “Glad we found someone who speaks kitty cat.”
YES I SPEAK KITTY CAT FLUENTLY
DAY IS GRATEFUL YOU FOUND HER
SHE IS VERY HAPPY WITH YOU
Seymour’s heart thumped in a new way, and he smiled. “I’m real happy with her too.”
Day nuzzled Seymour’s hair.
Neil finished ringing up the customer, came around the counter to clear the others out, turned the open sign off, and locked the door. He let out a loud sigh of relief, whirling back around to stare at Seymour. “So, what the fuck?”
“What?” Seymour snorted. “Your wolfie beau is in the family, right? Is he out of the fuckin’ loop with all the monster mob shenanigans?”
Neil scowled. “Tell me what’s going on and why you’re with him—” He jerked his head at Sariel. “And oh, yeah! Where did you find a spirit?”
“Short version? After I got the fuck away from here, I went to my appointment, and my dad’s lawyer is apparently a robot clone or something. Mr. Heiss, who is a raging fuckin’ asshole, fuckin’ kidnapped me so he could pimp me out to those fae guys to track down lawyer guy’s head—”
“Wait, wait, slow down!” Neil groaned noisily. “Who is your lawyer?”
“Talos.”
“Fuck. Okay, and Mr. Heiss kidnapped you?”
“Yeah! The fae guys have something he wants, probably a box of puppies he can kick around or somethin’. But he can’t get it until I do this shit for the faeries. They needed someone who could see all these spirits. Guess they knew they were all connected or integrated or whatever.”
Neil scrubbed his hands over his face. “Absolis and Vilanos plus Mr. Heiss in one damn day? You’re lucky to be alive.”
“Yeah, tell me about it. Heiss in particular ain’t a real big fan of mine.” Seymour gave Sariel an appreciative smile. “Had this lil’ angel takin’ good care of me though.”
Sariel dipped his head, his face pinking up.
Neil seemed surprised, but he asked, “So, uh, what do the twins want you to do?”
“Gotta find Talos’s head. They’d given it to a witch to fix up, who turned out to be my dad, and he got murdered—”
“Your dad?”
“Yup.” Seymour scratched Day’s ear. “And this lil’ lady saw the whole thing. Only problem is we can’t understand a word she says. She got us to come here to talk to Izba, and well, here we are.”
“How is lawyer guy alive without a head?”
“Fuck if I know.”
“Monsters.”
“Right.” Seymour shrugged. “But I gotta get my hands on it or Mr. Heiss is gonna make some bagpipes outta my guts or somethin’.”
Neil placed his hand on Seymour’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“Me?” Seymour’s stomach turned, and he swallowed down a big surge of bile. “I’m just peachy keen.”
Day gently hugged Seymour’s head, nosing at his hair and purring softly.
“Look, I’ve been in your shoes,” Neil said. “The whole monsters suddenly being real thing. It can be overwhelming and—”
“I’m good. Seriously. I just gotta get this done. So.” Seymour petted Day. “Hopin’ y’all can help us talk to her.”
OF COURSE
“You guys were chattin’ real good for a minute there. You gonna tell us what all that meant?”
YES
Seymour waited. “Well?”
SAY PLEASE
“Can you please tell us?”
BETTER
THE MAN WHO KILLED CLANCY HAD A BIG BIDET
“A big what?”
Day meowed in annoyance.
NO
MY BAD
A BIG…
BOUQUET?
Day clasped her paws to her face.
“How fluent exactly are ya’?” Seymour crossed his arms.
OKAY SO MAYBE NOT AS FLUENT AS I ONCE WAS
Day meowed insistently.
“Hey, we gotta be able to talk to her!” Seymour said firmly. “Is there, like, some sorta Duolingo course for kitty cat speak?”
Day meowed.
THERE IS A MAGICAL ITEM WITHIN THE INRO THAT WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPEAK WITH HER BUT IT CAN ONLY BE ACCESSED FROM INSIDE
EITHER THAT OR IT WILL TURN YOUR HEAD INTO A BALL OF LETTUCE
Seymour stared. “That sounds stupid as fuck.”
The floor beneath Seymour rattled.
“And we are so very thankful for that, no matter how dumb this sounds. Yup. Uh-huh.” Seymour looked at Sariel. “So, this is a thing now? Going into a fuckin’ toy thing?”
THE HISAN INRO IS A POCKET DIMENSION
IT IS SIMILAR TO THE WORLD WITHIN THE RELIQUARY
“Is it safe?” Sariel asked, frowning.
YES
…
I THINK
Day meowed sharply.
YES IT IS SO VERY SAFE
Seymour groaned. “I feel better already.”
“Can she not remove the item in question?” Sariel’s frown deepened. “Why not simply bring it to us?”
IT IS PART OF THE INRO AND CAN ONLY BE ACCESSED FROM WITHIN
DIDN’T I JUST SAY THAT?
Sariel blinked. “Perhaps—”
I DID!
HA
YOU’RE DUMB
AND I AM SMART
“Okay, so. Anyway.” Seymour took a deep, cleansing breath. “We go in the thing, get the talky thing, and then we do our thing and find out about the head thing.”
Day meowed and nodded.
“I need to tell Lou about this,” Neil said slowly. “Mr. Heiss is bad news. The twins? Even worse.”
“What? No. They’re all such a fuckin’ delight,” Seymour drawled.
“No, they are not.” Sariel seemed alarmed. “I am concerned you keep saying these things.”
“It’s called sarcasm, Daddy.”
Sariel blushed. “I, I do not think we need to share any additional information. Mr. Heiss prefers to keep his business private.”
“Well, he’s a dick fungus, and he can get pissed off at me.” Seymour handed the Rolodex to Neil. “Thanks for the help.”
“Wait, where are you going?” Neil blinked. “Lou’s on his way here—”
“Sorry, but I gotta go inside a magical pocket whatever it is right quick.” Seymour shook his head. “I appreciate the help, I really do, but no offense? I ain’t waitin’ ’round for Rover. Day is the only one who can help me right now.”
SO THAT’S HOW IT IS
Izba’s complaints were now being broadcast from the menu.
YOU USE ME AND JUST LEAVE
TYPICAL!
MEN
“You told me my old man was killed by a bidet!” Seymour glared. “I’m goin’ in the magical thing, okay?”
Neil frowned, but he nodded slowly. “Look, at least do it here in the shop. If anything goes wrong, we’ll be right here.”
Sariel tipped his head. “Thank you, Mr. Ricci.”