Chapter 46
Chapter Forty-Six
Raffe
On the way home, Jenny asks if we could take her to a bookstore.
“The bookstore is closed, but I’m sure Willow would love to go with you tomorrow. She loves books,” I tell her.
“Doesn’t she practically have a damn bookstore in the loft of her barn?” Dirk says.
“Yeah, but those are all children’s books.”
“That’s exactly what I’m looking for!” Jenny says excitedly. “I know it’s been a long day, but can we stop?”
“Sure,” Dirk says, shrugging. “Jesse’s busy painting a mural in the baby’s room over at Lily’s. Ray moved in with your mom yesterday, so the room is empty now.”
I laugh at the way Jenny’s mouth falls open.
“You do know they’re getting married?” Dirk asks.
“Well, yeah, but I guess ... I don’t know. I didn’t think about them living together.”
“That’s what most couples eventually do.”
“I know, but she’s my mom. It’s … well, I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it.”
Dirk and I both laugh.
“Now you know how your son feels when you two get all handsy.”
“We do not,” she says indignantly.
“Mhm, whatever you say.” He turns into the farm which instantly sidetracks her.
“I hope Willow has what I’m looking for,” she says, sliding to the edge of the seat.
“Are you looking for a book for Aspen?” I ask, letting her out of the truck.
“No … Charlotte,” she answers, hurrying over to meet Willow as she rounds the house.
“We’ll wait for you here!” I yell to her.
She waves her hand over her head. The girls are already on a mission.
Dirk and I take the opportunity to smoke, leaning against the bed of his truck.
“How are you feeling?” he asks.
I drop my head. “Taking those pictures down fucking sucked, but I know it had to be done at some point.”
“You miss her?”
“Every fucking day,” I tell him honestly.
“Why don’t you and Jenny just move into the house. No one is going to think anything about it. If I thought it was wrong, I’d be the first to tell you.”
“I know, but I’ve always liked living at the warehouse, and I think Jenny does too. I’m sure someday we’ll get old like you and Jess and move out.”
He slaps me in the gut so hard I double over, coughing. “You’re such an asshole,” I rasp.
“Jesse is fucking younger than you,” he reminds me.
“I was only joking.”
His dark chuckle tells me he knows it was a joke, but he doesn’t care. No one disrespects his old lady. Even me.
Jenny comes rushing back to the truck lugging a big bag of books over her arm.
“I thought you came over here for one book not twenty,” I tease, helping her as she tries to heave it into the bed of the truck. “Just please let me do it. I know you’re more than capable but …”
“It’s what’s called being gentlemanly,” Dirk interrupts. “Get used to it. You have an entire club of men to help you with your heavy lifting.”
I wait for her to release the bag to me. She hesitates, and I can see her jaw clench as she bites her tongue.
“Jenny, please don’t be offended. I know you’ve been doing things on your own for a long time. It’s just what we do.”
She thinks about what I’ve said and slowly releases the weight of the bag into my arms.
“Thank you,” she says, rounding the truck to the passenger side. She reaches for the door handle but meets Dirk’s eye before yanking on it. A loud sigh escapes her, and she crosses her arms over her chest, waiting for me.
Dirk and I exchange a grin because she’s cute when she’s frustrated. I think he’s finally seeing what I see. I’m glad he and Jesse seem to like her, because they will forever be my best friends.
After Dirk and I get all of the stuff I brought over from the house up to her room, I realize she’s disappeared. I say goodbye to Dirk before beginning my search for her. I find her standing by the glass doors, staring across the lake.
Jenny hears me coming. “Is that Petey’s house over there?” She points in the direction of a little cloud of smoke from the chimney.
“It is. If you go down by the dock, you can see it from there, or at least you can see his dock. It depends on the season.”
She taps her fingers over her forehead.
“You seem perplexed.” I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her waist.
“I want to go over there.”
It makes sense. She went to the farm for a book for Charlotte. “We can walk over,” I tell her.
“No. I want to go by myself.”
“Okay. You can go by yourself. You’re not a prisoner here, Jenny.”
“I know.” She slides the door open. “I just want to be able to go to someone’s home, knock on their door, and talk to them.”
Oh, now I understand. She pulls away from me, stepping outside. Jenny makes it to the edge of the patio, and that is where she stops.
After how good she’s done with all the running we did today, I almost forgot she’s been alone and isolated for over two decades.
I walk out to her. “I have an idea. Why don’t I drive you over to Lily’s, and you can try going up to the door by yourself there? That would be a great start, and you know her better. You’ll feel more comfortable.”
She shakes her head. “No. It has to be Petey and Katie’s house.”
She must want to start with the hardest people to approach first. I admire her confidence.
“If that’s what you want.”
“It is.”
I watch her stand on the edge of the patio the rest of the night. It breaks my fucking heart.
When it gets late, I rub her arms. “It’s okay. You’ll try again.”
She turns and looks at me. “I’m doing it tomorrow.”
I nod, hoping like hell she’s right because I can’t handle the disappointment I see on her face right now.
“Why did I let them steal my entire life away from me?” she says, hugging herself. “I’m glad you didn’t do that. I’m glad you got out and lived your life to the fullest.”
“Jenny, I only got out because I had help. I had Dirk and the club. You had no one.”
“I had Lily, and then Rachel, and Bill.” She closes her eyes. “I should have come home. I’m so stupid. I should have come home.”
I catch her right before she falls to the ground.
I lower us the rest of the way, cradling her head against my chest. Her sobs kill me.
They literally kill me. The sound coming from her is so heartbreakingly sad.
But it’s true. She should have come home.
I don’t know how that would have looked for us, but at least she would have been home with her parents and son.
“Dad?” Jackson’s voice trembles. The sound of his mother’s mournful wails has him frozen by the door.
“She’s okay, Son.”
He shifts from foot to foot, anxiously rubbing his hands together.
“Go on home. I’ll call you later.”
He nods, backing away with tears in his eyes. I know he’ll be fine once he gets home to Willow, and I’ll ask Jesse to check on him as soon as I can.
Seeing someone you love in so much pain is scary.
I let her get it all out. A few club members peak their head out from time to time, silently asking if I need help. I just shake my head because there is nothing anyone can do for her. All I can do is care for her while she goes through it. She’s grieving the life she could have had.
I’m not sure how much time passes before her sobs become quieter, calmer. I wait until they completely stop before I speak.
“Jenny, they fucked with your head so hard that you are not to blame for the choice you made. But it is okay to grieve the life they stole from you … from us. I think we all feel a level of sadness about that, but we have to try our best to stay present. If we don’t, they will continue to rob us.”
She keeps her eyes averted as I pick her up and carry her upstairs.
I set her on the bathroom counter when we get to our room.
When I turn the water on in the tub, she turns her head toward the sound. She stares, unseeing, as the water rushes out of the faucet. I send Jesse a text and then Jackson.
“I don’t want to take a bath,” she says, her voice hoarse and gritty.
“Okay, you can watch me,” I say, stepping between her legs and placing my hands on each side of her neck, massaging her gently.
She chuckles sadly. “You’re such a tease.”
“Hey, the offer to join me still stands.”
“Oh, ow,” she hisses, tipping her head to the side.
“You let go of a lot tonight. You’re going to feel it tomorrow if we don’t work it out. Let me help you. Let me take care of you, baby.”
She’s so drained she doesn’t have it in her to put up a fight. “Fine,” she says with a tiny bit of sass.
I shake her lightly. “I have missed you,” I tell her.
Her eyes slowly roll up to mine, and she whispers, “I missed you so much that there were days I couldn’t get out of bed.”
I take off my clothes and then remove hers. When I pick her up, I whisper back, “I missed you so much I would close my eyes and pretend you were lying beside me.”
Carefully, I climb into the tub, settling her between my legs.
She relaxes against my chest, the warm water soothing her. “I missed you so much I looked for you in every face I passed on the street.”
We continue to go back and forth, admitting all the ways we dealt with our longing for each other.
She intertwines our fingers, pausing a long moment. “I missed you so much I prayed they would kill me,” she says so quietly, I can barely hear her.
“Me too,” I whisper back, squeezing her tight.