Prologue #2
What did she want to do? The question felt so broad, so undefinable.
Where did she even begin? She had loved math since she learned how to hold a pencil—how logic and rules and numbers combined in an infinite number of ways to solve an infinite number of problems—but what did that even look like in the real world?
She still had no idea. Every job seemed to want to reduce that love down to budget lines and algorithms. For the first time in her life, she found herself thinking that she had math entirely wrong.
The world didn’t want numbers viewed in vibrant three-dimensions like how she saw them, but in stark, flat two.
Maybe that was why she had been so receptive when her mother had started seeding her opinion last summer. An MBA was obvious, didn’t she think? A degree Anne could apply to any number of fields, regardless of what she ultimately wanted to do.
It was a safe choice. And no doubt it would be lucrative. There was just one nagging issue: She didn’t know how to tell Freddie.
We said no spiraling, she reminded herself.
Not today. Besides, she had a plan and all she had to do was follow it.
She would tell Freddie once classes started in January and their conversations inevitably went to the following year.
While Anne was graduating this May, Freddie still had one more year left before he would leave with a degree in environmental engineering.
He had talked about starting a nonprofit after, one that would focus on sustainable farming around the world, but the details were still unclear.
With Freddie, they usually were. But in this case, it would work to her advantage.
While he figured out his next steps, she would be getting her MBA.
She had planned for every contingency, every possible impediment. It would be fine.
“Hey,” Freddie whispered, so close Anne could feel his breath against her lips. “What do you think about exchanging gifts now?”
She opened her eyes enough to look up at him quizzically. “I thought we were doing that next week at your parents’ house.”
He shrugged one shoulder. “I know, but I don’t think I can wait that long.”
Anne didn’t know why she was surprised. While she had an almost obsessive need to plan, work out the details and systematically weigh the pros and cons to every decision, Freddie had a habit of being impulsive, regardless of what plans were already in place.
She usually loved that about him, but right now, the suggestion struck a familiar annoyance deep down in her chest.
“I don’t have your gift, though,” she said. “If I had known you wanted to exchange now, I would have brought it with me, but—”
“I promise not to hold it against you,” he replied with a wry grin. Then he pulled something from his pocket before putting both hands behind his back. “Pick a hand.”
She threw him one last sardonic look before considering both, then nodded to the right.
His hand appeared, clasped in a fist. When he unfolded it, there was a piece of paper folded into a neat triangle waiting in his palm.
She smiled. It was a tradition established early in their relationship.
Whether they had skipped class to go explore a new museum downtown or only saw each other long enough to share a coffee and a quick kiss, Freddie always slipped her handwritten notes, even if it meant he had to secretly stash it in her pocket or bag to inevitably find afterward.
A perfect little paper triangle that contained a special, secret message just for her.
She would always wait until she was alone to read it, then put it inside the box in her nightstand where she kept all the others.
“That’s for later,” he said solemnly, though there was still a glint of humor in his eyes.
She slid it into the back pocket of her jeans.
“Next,” he said.
She laughed softly and nodded to where his left hand was still hidden behind him.
When he brought it forward, it held a small, wrapped box adorned with a red bow.
She slowly reached for it, examining its red-and-white striped paper before carefully tearing it off to reveal a nondescript maroon box. Inside, she found a silver link bracelet with a compass charm attached to its center.
“It only has the one charm now, but I thought we could start filling it up with all the places we go,” he said.
“It’s beautiful,” she whispered. And it was, even as she tried to ignore the guilt that swelled in her chest again.
He smiled. “You like it?”
“I love it.”
“Good. Because I thought we could start in Argentina.” Then he pulled his phone from his back pocket, unlocking it before revealing what looked to be an email.
The screen was so bright, it took Anne a minute to read it. Then another to process the words. Argentine Airlines. Buenos Aires. One-way.
Her heart plummeted to the floor. “What is this?”
“Your Christmas present,” he said softly. “I got accepted into the NYU Buenos Aires program for next year. And I want you to come with me.”
“To Argentina?” she asked dumbly. Freddie had talked about NYU’s program in Argentina for the past two years, but it was always with wistful longing.
He could barely afford tuition as it was; there was never a chance he could shoulder the added cost of a year abroad.
Or, at least, that’s what she thought. She had missed a step, and she never missed a step.
Now her brain was trying desperately to play catch-up.
“Not for the whole year, obviously,” he replied. “That’s why it’s one way; you can decide how long you stay. But after graduation, I thought you could take some time and figure out what you wanted to do next while I—”
“But I thought it was too expensive.”
“It is, but one of the professors in the environmental engineering department heard about the hydroponics unit I’m working on. He reached out and they want to give me a scholarship. I’ll be able to work with the local community to…” He paused when he caught her confused expression. “What?”
A cold wind whipped down West Third Street, pulling strands of hair from her ponytail, but she barely noticed.
She unconsciously pushed them from her face as her mind began to spin with every eventuality.
“Have you considered the additional costs? Is there on-campus housing? What about insurance? And the trips back and forth. And your parents…”
“How about ‘Congratulations, Freddie, that’s amazing!’ ” He was still smiling, but there was a new line of concern between his eyebrows.
“It is amazing, there’s just a lot to consider,” she said, working to curb the panic in her voice.
“Not everything has to be dissected ad nauseum to weigh its merits, Annie.”
But some things should, she wanted to say. Still, she couldn’t have that conversation again. Freddie thrived on the big picture, following his gut. It was one of the things she loved most about him, even though she could in no way relate.
“You didn’t even tell me you applied,” she said. The words came out before she could realize her own hypocrisy. She hadn’t told him about business school, either.
“I know, I’m sorry,” he said with a sigh, stepping forward and enveloping her in a hug again.
“But honestly, I didn’t think I would get in, so I did it on a whim.
And when the scholarship came through, I just thought, why not?
You know I’ve always wanted to travel. I’m studying environmental engineering so I can do that and do some good for the world.
And you always said you wanted to come with me. ”
A sharp ache ran down her chest. Over the past few months, they had talked about traveling the world together.
Late-night discussions about all the places they’d visit someday, but it had always felt so far away, just one of a thousand different daydreams about what life would be like after college.
An escape from the realities of the here and now.
“That was a possibility for the future, Freddie. Not a concrete plan.”
His lips flattened to a grim line. It was an expression she rarely saw, one that didn’t seem to fit his face. “Really? Well, that’s news to me.”
His white beard was still clutched in her hand as her mind raced. “A plan requires a defined goal, quantifiable steps to get there. I can’t just take off to Argentina next year on a whim—”
“Why not?”
“Because… because…” She hated how she tripped over her words, but she also didn’t know how to avoid it. She hadn’t planned on having this conversation yet, so she hadn’t had time to rehearse what to say, how to soften the surprise, so she just said it. “I’m going to Columbia Business School.”
He blinked. “You want to apply to business school?”
Oh God.
Her mouth opened, but it was another moment before she found the words. “I already applied. And I got in. I start in August.”
His brow furrowed while something dark and angry flashed across his face. “So let me get this straight. You can get mad at me for not telling you about Argentina, but you’re allowed to apply to business school behind my back?”
“It wasn’t behind your back,” she countered. “I just wanted to wait to tell you until I knew that it was a real possibility.”
“But why did you even apply?” he asked, genuinely confused.
“I weighed my options and decided that it would be a smart choice to get an MBA while I figure out what I want to do. You know I’ve been struggling with what to do after graduation, and after talking to my mom, I thought—”
“Right. Of course.” Freddie scoffed. “I should have known this was your mom’s idea.”