Chapter 7
CHAPTER SEVEN
D awn brought more than daylight with it the following morning. It brought clarity of mind despite my hangover. Somewhere between night and day, I’d had an image of my sad little girl looking lost and waiting for me to come home. It wasn’t a lie… call it a sixth sense, but I knew my baby’s needs were growing.
Being a latchkey kid myself when I was growing up, I’d had my share of those feelings. Where my parents worked hard, they never took the time to really get to know me. Maybe ‘took the time’ isn’t the right way to describe it; perhaps ‘had the time’ was a better description.
However, the same didn’t apply to me. There was enough money in the bank to last a lifetime and then some. There and then I decided the counselors were wrong. My place wasn’t doing what I did before; it was doing what came after.
Where I should have been wasn’t a thousand miles from home making other people happy, while my daughter and I sucked it up and suffered in silence to keep the record company and promoters happy.
If my followers truly cared about me and my music, they’d understand I needed the space to work through my grief—even years later— and to support my daughter away from the public eye. So, as if I had walked out of my haze, I realized where I needed to be and I called Derek, my manager, to tell him to cancel the last three shows.
“You sure you want to do this? People will have gone to a heap of expense to come to Bueno Aires for the gig,” he asked, his loaded question designed to guilt me into performing. “Some will have travelled the length of South America,” he added as if this would change my mind.
Obviously, it wasn’t a decision I had taken lightly, and I was sorry to those I’d inconvenienced and let down, but most them weren’t living their lives for other people. It felt time I took charge of myself and did the same.
“Yeah, I’m sorry, but I’m out,” I stated firmly. Derek knew I was no stranger to hard work before Grace died, and I loved my fans and followers. His problem wasn’t my problem because I loved my little daughter, and it was about time I demonstrated this.
“At least get a doctor’s certificate for stress or something; otherwise it’ll cost all parties involved the same as the gross national product of a developing country.” I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. He was right, this way the fans would get their money back.
“Done. I’m flying back to Richmond, Virginia today. I’ll ask the doc for a home visit for tomorrow.”
“Well, if you’re sure?” he said hesitantly, and I could practically hear him swear in his head. “I’ll get onto the promoters and set the shitstorm in motion. Any idea how long you want to take out?”
“Indefinitely. Years, if I need to. For good, if that’s what the record company decides.” Once I had made my mind up, there was no going back. It felt strangely liberating.
Quitting the call, I breathed a sigh of relief and checked my chunky gold Rolex, a gift from Grace for our first anniversary. It was 7:30 a.m. Layla will be eating breakfast.
Selecting the Skype app, I called Harper’s phone and seconds later she replied.
“Hey, Harper, how’s my baby?” I asked, noting my voice sounded lighter than it had since the moment I found out about Grace .
“Oh, hi, Cole, she’s becoming sassier and smarter every day, not to mention how cute she is,” she replied. Harper my daughter’s nanny’s sweet face beamed a bright sunny smile before she turned her cell camera around to show me Layla.
“Layla, your daddy’s on Skype.”
Throwing her head up to look at the screen I noted Layla’s jet-black hair in two thick bunches at the sides of her head.
“Daddy,” Layla mumbled excitedly around a mouth full of Froot Loops that almost fell out of her mouth. She clamped her hand over it and quickly disappeared when she jumped down from the counter stool.
Next thing I knew, the screen was shaking.
“Hold on, Layla.” I imagined Layla tugging on Harper’s arm. “Give me a sec, Cole,” Harper instructed me as she laid her cell on the counter and I watched the kitchen ceiling fan whirl fast above it.
Seconds later, Layla’s little out of focus nose came into view, followed quickly by her mouth as it grinned widely in closeup. I heard Harper gently admonish her, “No, Baby, you have to hold it a little farther away or Daddy will only see part of your beautiful face.”
“Oh, okay, but I want to kiss him,” she replied, sounding a little confused at Harper’s request.
“Of course you can kiss the screen when Daddy has finished talking to you, but for now you have to let me hold it so as you can talk with him and see him at the same time. If it’s too close, you won’t see his gorgeous face when he’s talking.”
“Ah,” she decided like she suddenly understood. “I see you, Daddy, do you see me?” she asked, leaning forward again and not completely trusting Harper’s word.
“I do, Baby, and you look even more beautiful than you did yesterday,” I told her honestly.
The shy smile in response was to die for. “Look at me, Daddy, I’ve got brunches.” Twirling her hair in both hands she gave me a toothy grin.
“Bunches,” Harper corrected her softly with a chuckle in her voice.
“When can you not be on the cell phone and give me proper huggles?” Her needy question caught me off guard, because she had never expressed anything like it so plainly before. I was immediately thankful that she’d saved it until now to do so, because suddenly not being with her made my heart bleed.
“What would you say if I offered to share your Froot Loops with you tomorrow?” I enquired, dying to tell her I was on my way.
For a second, she glanced behind her at her bowl then turned her attention back to me. A frown creased her tiny brow, as she covered her mouth for a second then sighed. “To be honest, Daddy, I don’t think there will be any left by tomorrow. I’m pretty hungry after sleeping all night.”
A soft chuckle passed my lips when I realized she didn’t have the insight to know what I had meant by my statement.
“Ah, well how many are left in the box?” I asked.
“Harper? My daddy wants to know how many Loop Froots are in the box, can you look? Do you want her to count them, Daddy?”
I chuckled again at her reversing the name, “Harper, are there enough Froot Loops left for me to have breakfast tomorrow?”
“Sure, it’s a new box,” Harper informed me from somewhere behind the cell phone.
“Don’t you want Loops today? We’ll have to figure out how to put them into the cell phone. Maybe if you call on the house phone it would be better because that’s bigger,” Layla reasoned.
“No, Baby, you don’t understand. What would you say if I said I’m coming home and I’ll be there when you wake up tomorrow?” I clarified.
Layla’s eyes flicked up past the screen and I knew she was looking at Harper. “Would it be okay if my daddy came to see me?” When she sought permission from her nanny, my heart sank to my stomach and almost broke, but it wasn’t her fault she was confused at times and didn’t understand how things were.
Not being able to be with her was so hard. I hadn’t seen her for three long weeks, and although her words stung, they made my decision to quit the tour and go home valid.
“This is your daddy’s house, Layla, you know he lives here. Has to go to work, but he just told you he’s coming home. Isn’t that the best news ever?”
Watching Layla’s face as it broke into a huge wide grin made my heart clench. “Amazing news,” she agreed. “Daddy, will you bring Mommy with you? She isn’t inside Harper’s cell phone like you are.”
I choked. For a few indescribable seconds I couldn’t speak, wouldn’t speak, because for the first time since I’d buried Grace, Layla had thrown me a curve ball with her request.
As if Harper felt the weight of Layla’s question, she quickly interjected and covered my silence. “Sweetheart, why don’t you go back and finish your cereal before it gets soggy, like a good girl, then we’ll get ready for our playdate with Jaden and Tom,” she coaxed.
Without waiting for Layla to reply, she added, “Just a sec, Cole, I’m just helping her down from the counter.” Once again she laid the cell phone down, face up on the counter and lifted Layla down, placing her back on the floor. Picking her cell up, I saw Layla scoot around the kitchen counter and she disappeared from sight.
Harper’s interruption had given me the time I had needed to gather my composure before she turned it to face herself.
“Sorry, I’m back,” she informed me, as if I couldn’t see that she was.
“Thanks for that,” I mumbled quietly, without needing to explain what I was thankful for.
“Anytime,” she soothed with a sad smile.
“As you heard, I’m coming home.”
She smiled and widened her eyes like she was excited. “How long will you be here? I’ll let Matty know because she hadn’t planned anything special for dinner this week. I’ve just been eating the kind of stuff Layla does,” she added sheepishly.
“I’m coming home today. I’ll grab something to eat on the plane. Tell Matty not to worry about tonight… we’ll have takeout. I’ll catch up with her then and she can draw up some menus for us all after that.”
“So you’re coming home for more than a day?” she asked sounding surprised.
“Yeah, I figured it was time I got to know my daughter,” I replied, in an apologetic tone .
Harper pouted her lips and glanced over to where I knew Layla was eating her breakfast then looked more intensely back at me.
“You know her, Cole. Don’t do this to yourself. You had all those firm commitments before…” She paused, unsure of how to phrase it. “And Layla… she knows you love her.”
“Sometimes, just loving someone isn’t enough; it’s how you act that’s important.”
Harper’s bright blue eyes softened, and she gave me a slow smile. “You’re a good man, Cole Harkin, and when Layla realizes you’re coming home to stay, she’ll probably pee her pants with excitement,” she mused and chuckled as she glanced affectionately past the phone again.
Chatting with Harper for another few minutes, I managed to glean where they were headed and what the family they were visiting was like. Not that I didn’t trust Harper’s judgment, but knowing who Layla’s playmates were would be my starting point for the first conversation I had with her when I returned home.
Once my call with Harper had ended, I knew it was important for me to get out of the city before the news broke regarding my no-show. There was no doubt I’d lose fans, and some would be angry, but that was better than losing my daughter.
Another call to Derek informed me the news would be out by 9:00 a.m. Checking the time, I saw it was a little after 8:10 a.m. Shit! I need to move. Derek arranged a car for 8:30 a.m and after a smooth transition I was on my way home. I called Fletch, my bandmate, from the car and he wasn’t surprised.
“Take as long as you need. It’ll give us the opportunity to do a few collaborations with some other bands. We want you to concentrate on making yourself happy, Cole.”
Deep inside I knew my mood swings and drinking had been getting worse. Although it had been a long time since I’d lost Grace, most days my grief still felt as raw as the day she died.
SinaMen as a band had worked relentlessly for almost ten years, until Grace died. But after she’d passed I found listening to my own music too emotive. This was partly the reason for my relapse; playing the songs our fans expected to hear sometimes cut me to the quick; especially the ones written about Grace.
The gods were in my favor because, luckily, my emotional breakdown had happened on a Sunday and the street outside the hotel was still quiet.