Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
F or several minutes after Layla and Harper had gone back downstairs I stared into space, my mind completely blank. Eventually I decided the only thing I could do was apologize and hope Harper didn’t hold a grudge.
Reluctantly, I dragged my ass out of bed and prepared to eat a huge chunk of humble pie, in the attempt of building the bridge I should never have tried to cross in the first place.
Dressing in a clean pair of jeans and a soft blue T-shirt, I entered my bathroom to take another leak and wash my hands and face before heading downstairs.
Glancing in the mirror as I peed, I saw what Matty saw. The ratty beard I’d spent a long time hiding behind had to go. Shaking myself down, I wiped and tucked my flaccid dick away.
Turning toward the sink I grabbed the state-of-the-art electric razor Grace had bought me the Christmas before she died. I sighed heavily at the memory of her grinning when she’d opened the box and chuckled.
“One day… it’s all coming off,” she’d joked, “I figured I’d buy this for the time when you’re ready.” Grace had only ever seen me without my beard in pictures. Another pang of regret stabbed me in my chest .
“Guess I’m ready now, Grace,” I muttered aloud, and shook off the wave of emotion that threatened to interrupt my flow when I switched it on. The low steady buzz of the blades vibrating together, with the high and low pitched crunching sounds as my beard disappeared, felt cathartic.
Slowly, inch by inch, my paler skin came into view. Too late, I saw the difference between the exposed and unexposed skin and how hollow my cheeks were through the weight loss I suffered over time when my appetite disappeared.
By the time the beard was gone, I looked almost as ill as Grace appeared in those few short days right at the end. My face resembled footage I’d seen of prisoners of war in old news reels.
Stunned by how haunted I looked, I could hardly ignore the effects of neglect due to my mental state, because the visual representation looking back at me in the mirror shocked me to my core. I wasn’t pretty to look at, but my face was evidence of how ravaged my heart was by losing my wife.
For a moment I felt too weak to fight back, until the image of Layla broke into my selfish thoughts. It was enough of a wake-up call to ensure I fought myself back to health… if not for me, for her.
Grace was gone and, ultimately, I was all Layla had, so I owed it to her to change my errant ways and claw my body back to its peak of physical fitness.
For years I had been acting as if losing Grace was exclusive to me, but as I continued to stare at my wasted appearance, I knew I had to fight my way out of my grief and find the strength to take care of my daughter. Another thought gripped me, which was one day Layla would truly realize what it was she had lost, and I had to be ready to support her when that day happened.
Suddenly I had purpose and understood what I needed to do. No matter how difficult the previous years had been, it was what I did in the future that would support my little girl to balance and accept the circumstances Grace had left us in. Somehow, I had to find ways of bridging the gaps. How… I had no idea.
“Daddy, you’re taking a very long time up here,” Layla told me, breaking into my thoughts. “Where’s your face hair?” she asked, coming up close and staring up my long body with her huge rounded eyes. Bending, I picked her up and she instantly palmed the smooth skin on my face and inspected it thoroughly. “I like this better than that fuzzy jaggy stuff all over your chin,” she admitted.
A grin spread over my face. “You look handsome when you smile, Daddy. Look you have cute holes here,” she pointed out, poking a finger in each of my dimples. “Much better than when you’re like this,” she added, pulling a stern scowling face and pinching her lips into a line.
“Hmm, I look like that, huh?”
“Mm-hm, lots, like when you stare out the window in the kitchen,” she nodded as she hummed the sound.
My daughter was right. Looking out at our backyard always reminded me of Grace. I guess my thoughts were less private during those times than I thought; if my expression told my story. “Then I need to smile more, eh?” I asked.
“Yay, I’d like that,” she raved excitedly, wrapping her tiny arms around my neck as she brought her little cheek next to mine. The feel of her soft skin on my face warmed the chill in my heart.
Leaning her head back enough to look at me, she held my gaze for a second before she planted a kiss square on my lips. “Come on, Daddy, before Harper eats all the banana bread. Matty always has to hide it from her.”
I chuckled again at the thought of Matty doing this. “All right. Lead the way, Baby. I’d hate to miss a slice of the good stuff on my first day home.”
Layla wriggled free, and I slid her down my body until her feet hit the floor. Grabbing my hand, she put her weight into tugging me along with her, grinning back at me repeatedly as we made our way downstairs.
As we reached the kitchen, Layla let go my hand and ran ahead. The loss of her skin against mine made my heart clench again, because I’d missed almost nineteen months of her little life touring.
Suddenly I was riddled with guilt because the little person I’d given life to—the same one her mother had given her life for—had taken so much in her stride, but the balance of her care wasn’t distributed as equally as it should have been.
Entering the kitchen, I saw Harper and Matty chatting. Harper was leaning on the kitchen counter on one side, Matty facing her from the other. Both were hugging mugs of coffee, mirroring their stance. The normalcy of the scene sent a warm feeling through me. Turning to look at me, Matty rounded the counter.
“Here he is. May I have mine now?” Layla asked expectantly.
Matty smiled affectionately and bent to speak to my daughter. “Yep, you did a great job, and wow, look at how handsome your daddy is now he doesn’t have that animal stuck to his chin.”
Layla squinted in my direction as did Harper, and I watched Harper fight a smile that threatened to break free. “I said the zackt same thing,” Layla agreed, looking pleased with herself as she climbed up on the stool.
Placing two slices of banana bread and a coffee on the countertop, then a glass of milk and one slice for Layla beside mine, Matty wandered over to the pantry and pulled out her purse. I’d never understood her need to bring it downstairs to the kitchen all the time.
“Right, Harper told me about the takeout food. I’m not gonna argue because you look like you could use the extra calories with all that junk they feed you on the road, but starting tomorrow, I’m gonna fatten up that skinny, lanky ass of yours and get some vitamins inside of you. You’re going on a healthy eating plan. Lean fillet steak, slow baked jacket potatoes, and plenty of salad for dinner tomorrow night. You may want to take tomorrow’s menu into consideration when you’re ordering later.”
Instead of being pissed at being told what to eat, it felt good to be mothered by Matty for a change. She was right; a long stretch of poor takeout food on the bus and the standard hotel food menus meant I ate the same old greasy shit everywhere.
If I’d had the slightest reservations about ditching the tour and being home, the warm welcome from my daughter, the familiar faces of Matty and Harper, and Matty’s straight talking made me feel glad to be back .
During the hour after Matty’s departure, Layla kept Harper and I entertained with her sweet chatty nature. Every time I had spoken to my daughter, while I was away, there had always been something new that had taken me by surprise. It was clear Harper was dedicated and had given my daughter plenty of attention, because of the level of conversation she had.
What I loved was how Harper had taught Layla to think for herself: to form opinions and not be afraid to express herself. Grace would have been proud of how far she had come in such a short time and how she appeared to cope with Grace’s absence.
Despite my offer of takeout, Matty had made Layla’s favorite dinner: macaroni and cheese with tiny cherry tomatoes laced through it and a crisp cheese topping. It was exactly how she liked it. I sat with my little girl as she ate dinner, humming and mming in delight as she ate her way through it. When my doctor arrived for the house call, Harper took Layla upstairs to prepare her bath before bed.
William had no hesitation in writing a certificate to say I was burned out. Letting people down wasn’t in my nature, even though I knew I’d done the right thing for my daughter and myself.
The doc was frank and expressed his concern at how I looked. I’d tried to pass it off as losing the beard, but I hadn’t missed the second glance and shock on his face when I opened the front door to him when he’d first arrived.
Once William had left and I’d updated Derek, Layla was already tucked up in bed. Part of me had wanted more time with her, but it wasn’t about what I wanted. It had made sense not to involve her in the takeout because she now went to bed at 7:30 p.m., and the counselor had suggested, maintaining her usual schedule was important to help her feel secure.
By 8:00 p.m. my daughter was sound asleep, having conned me into not one, but two bedtime stories. Reading about fairies and witches, hobgoblins, and too many other characters to recollect had made me feel closer to her for a few minutes.
As I read, Harper had ordered the takeout, and by the time I went back downstairs to the kitchen, she was setting the table in preparation of the food arriving .
With my mind flitting back to Layla’s comment about not having kids at the house, I told Harper to organize a cookout with Matty for the following Sunday, and to invite the family of the playdate over, returning the favor.
My body was still keyed up from the decisions I’d made and I opened a bottle of wine, opting to stay away from hard liquor. Sliding onto a seat at the dining table, I poured two glasses of Merlot for us. Harper was finished placing the silverware and I felt her awkwardness about my earlier comment.
“Come… sit down and relax,” I told her at the exact second the gate buzzer sounded. Harper looked at me, a little unsure of what to do, then went to the intercom and buzzed the delivery guy through the outer gate.
“I’m on it,” Stuart called from the hallway when the car drove up and delivered the Chinese food. Bringing it into the kitchen, Stuart and I exchanged pleasantries about me being back and with the promise to catch up soon, he left, leaving Harper and I alone.
Harper hung back while we spoke, then grabbed a jug, filled it with iced water, and came over to the table. Years of learning to read women told me she wasn’t entirely comfortable. Then it dawned on me that this was the first time we’d spent the evening together without someone or other hanging around.
Gesturing toward the food I nodded. “Dig in.”
At my instruction, Harper began opening the boxes, dishing out some rice and passing it to me, slipping duck dumplings onto her plate and passing the second box on. This continued until we both had a little of everything on our plates.
Lifting my fork, I began to eat, and Harper silently did the same. In my head I had figured I’d apologize after dinner, but the pause in the conversation between us was killing me so I decided to get it out of the way.
“Look, Harper,” I began, and her eyes snapped to mine. She was nervous, and my heart ached because it was the last emotion I had wanted to her to feel. “I’m really sorry about earlier… upstairs? I totally forgot myself and it was a shitty thing to do. I really don’t know where that came from. It won’t happen again,” I stated firmly, “We ll, what I mean is if it does it’ll be from years of stupid banter on—”
“It’s fine. No harm done,” she interrupted before I could finish, “and you were being honest; you were naked.” Her cheeks flushed, and she tucked her hair behind her ear. My eyes fell to her jawline and I stared a moment longer than I should have at her silky, soft-looking skin.
“Wow. Matty has always pointed out how observant you are, but she never told me about the X-ray vision.”
The color in her cheeks deepened and I could see I’d embarrassed her again. “Fuck, sorry. I don’t know what’s the matter with me, saying all this inappropriate shit,” I apologized.
“I’m twenty six, Cole. Men have flirted with me before.”
“I wasn’t flirting. I didn’t mean it like that. It was—”
“Banter, I know,” she finished again then stabbed her fork in her food a few times without any attempt to eat it.
“Look, the last thing I’d ever want to do is make you feel uncomfortable around me. Layla thinks you’re all her Disney Princesses rolled into one, and if I’m honest, I think you’re pretty incredible too… I mean you keep my daughter stable and happy, and that’s worth the world to me right now.”
Harper’s eyes softened, and her hand automatically moved to my wrist.
“It’s fine,” she softly said, dismissing my explanation. “What you’ve been through is awful, Cole. We’ve all felt some of your pain. It’s good to see you smile. You have a nice smile.” Harper shook her head like she’d forgotten her place then moved swiftly on.
“I may not have known Grace, but I joined this family when the impact shook your household to the core. And Grace was Layla’s mom. That fact isn’t lost on me, Cole. Matty and the rest of the staff also lost Grace and you must know we’re all with you in this.” I nodded, my throat too closed with emotion to have held a reply for a moment.
“What I see is a man who’s still grieving. A man who wants to do his best for everyone, but who is forgetting to take care of himself. I know it’s not my place to say this because I’m only Layla’s nanny, but I care. ”
“After the time you’ve spent here, you aren’t only Layla’s nanny, you’re the key to my daughter’s happiness right now. She’s only dealing with Grace’s death so well because you’re like a second mother to her.” A soft squeeze on my wrist told me my statement meant a lot to her.
Reaching for the stemmed glass of wine, I stared out of the kitchen doors and threw the whole contents of the smooth liquid down my throat. Placing the wine glass back on the table, I lifted the bottle and poured myself another.
“I’ve been a mess. I am a mess,” I admitted, in a rare moment of candor. “Some days I feel nothing and others I feel as if I can’t go on. Layla is my only reason to live,” I added dryly.
“No. Layla is your main reason to live,” Harper corrected.
Turning my head, I narrowed my eyes and saw a culmination of feelings from compassion to alarm on her face.
“What happened with Grace was so horribly unjust. Some nights when I heard you crying, the pain in my heart… crushed me, and I didn’t even know her. When I first got here, the sorrow in this house was so dense I felt like I couldn’t breathe. There were nights when I cried myself to sleep thinking about Layla and your beautiful family being destroyed by that horrible disease. Anyone would feel the way you do right now.”
Hearing Harper validate all I was going through helped. I had never aired my feelings this way before. It hadn’t been my intention to do so, but to know she understood—that they all understood—meant everything and helped me to understand I wasn’t the only person in the household missing Grace.
“I feel so angry with the world,” I admitted, shaking my head. “Since Grace died, I’ve never been so careless about my life.” My confession brought a fresh lump to my throat, and too late I realized I had no more fight in me to swallow it down.
Tears came and I let them flow unashamed. Even though Harper was my employee, it felt safe to cry. “I can’t get past her, you know? I loved her so much,” I whispered. “She was my world,” I added even less audibly.
Moving quickly, Harper enveloped me in her arms and her hug felt firm, safe, and comforting. Rubbing my back in a soothing rhythm, she encouraged me to cry, and I let the grief I’d fought to suppress on so many other occasions expel from my body.
It must have been a pathetic sight to see, me sitting at the table with our food barely touched while my child’s nanny rocked me back and forth, but I didn’t care, nor could I have helped, giving myself up to the sad feelings inside my shattered heart.
I wasn’t sure how long we’d been there when I finally pulled myself together. With my face close to Harper’s neck, I began to feel calm. Inhaling the scent of a woman who wasn’t trying to entice me felt unnerving. Pulling my head back to look at her, my face was only inches from hers.
“Thank you,” I mouthed, and without thinking, I pressed my lips to hers in gratitude for her empathy and support. Realizing I’d kissed her, I jumped to my feet. “Fuck. I’m sorry.” Running my hand through my hair, I gestured my other hand helplessly toward her because it felt as if I’d been unconsciously hitting on her from the moment I’d arrived home.
“Shh, you’re fine, Cole. You haven’t done anything wrong. I feel privileged you felt safe enough to share your feelings with me.” Her tone intimated what I’d done was no big of a deal, and I stole a glance at her, which immediately made me feel better.
“Can I say something?” Her tone was even and apparently unaffected by what I’d done.
“Sure.”
“You need help and I know you won’t accept more counseling. I heard you yelling all the way down here in the kitchen the last time,” she informed me, giving me a wry smirk.
I nodded. She was right, I wouldn’t. “What kind of help?”
“Me. Let me support you. Nothing heavy. Maybe the healthy body, healthy mindset kind of stuff. I’m qualified for that remember? Layla starts at the Montessori school in the fall, which is three weeks from now. I’ll write you a yoga program to start you off, then we can get into a routine when Layla’s in school.”
“You’d give up your free time like that for me? ”
“No. You’d be joining me in my regular morning sessions. It’ll help me keep up my teaching skills. I was going to take on a couple of clients in my free time, but I can do you instead,” she suggested. Harper’s face blushed again, and for a second I had no idea why she was having this reaction, then the ‘I can do you’ comment registered with me.
“Done. But I insist on paying you as my trainer. The thought of working with anyone else right now is too much, but I guess I should warn you… I’m not the easiest person to get along with.”
“I figured as much,” she commented truthfully, “but I’d be happy to take you on.” I stared intensely at the beautiful, kindhearted girl in front of me and considered her proposal. If anyone could help me get back on track, it was her.
“Jeez, but I’m a mess,” I admitted, running my fingers through my hair.
“Yeah, at times you are, but you’re getting better, Cole. Recognizing things need to change is the first step back to health; the rest we’ll work out as we go.”
“Anyone ever told you you’re amazing?” I asked because I genuinely thought she was.
“No one of rock star status, but I’ll take it,” she replied, and we both laughed.
“Well, you are. Thank you for all you do for me and Layla. We appreciate your support.”
“My pleasure. She makes my job easy.”
“Implying I don’t?” I chuckled.
“I’m not your nanny,” she teased.
“Sometimes I forget that, huh?” I was thinking back on how I’d just poured my heart out.
“I’m here for you too, Cole. You’re a lovely man. You just have to admit you need a little help to get back on your feet after everything you’ve been through. It needs to come from within though. No one can do it for you, no matter how much we’d all like to.”
“Jesus, are you nagging already? I thought you said the training doesn’t start for another three weeks?”
Harper laughed and stood lifting her plate. “You can start by getting some proper rest. You’ve had a long day. Get yourself to bed and I’ll clear all this away.”
Pushing out of my chair, I almost went to hug her again, then thought better of it and nodded.
“Thanks, Sweetheart, g’night.”