Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
T hree days later, everyone had gone, Layla was back at school full time, and everywhere I went Harper was always in my face. This wasn’t her intention, but with the house being quiet she appeared to be all around me.
With the tour looming in less than a month, I camped out at Dorian’s more often than not to help me keep my distance from Harper, but I also hoped it would help Layla to get used to the idea of not seeing me every day.
Obviously, the yoga had stopped because I didn’t trust myself around Harper anymore; after pushing the boundaries between us, and with a little time to reflect I wondered whether our attraction was down to lonely infatuation.
We were vastly different people: me the once laid-back rock star now broken with a head full of dark thoughts; whereas Harper was beautiful, bright, bubbly, and kindhearted. The enigma was she could also be boldly forthright and sassy and wasn’t afraid to go after what she wanted in life. That part I did relate to because I once had all those attributes myself.
By the end of January—on a superficial level anyway—it appeared as if the challenges between Harper and I, although still present, were manageable. A civil, professional relationship was reestablished between us, and we kept our distance when no one else was around.
January rolled into February and as rehearsals for the band took up a lot of my time, I wasn’t home that often in the daytime. For all my push to get back on the road, I had insisted the band rehearsals take place during the day, so that I could catch Layla on the flip side before she went to bed, a couple of nights a week, because I wanted her to know I was still there, but not to feel insecure when I didn’t come home.
Packing up to leave was the most difficult part of the whole experience because Layla wanted to help. Every T-shirt she stowed in the suitcase had a question attached: about the tour, about me, about Harper and her.
Keeping the conversation light was a struggle because I knew at some point the tears were going to flow, and when they did, I hugged her tight, told her I loved her, but reasoned firmly I needed to go to work. The way she held me broke my heart and for a long couple of minutes I struggled to let her go.
It would have been different if I hadn’t been the front man; the main man, as the band had been built around me. My bandmates had been monumentally patient with me and it had been the second time they’d had their careers put on hold.
The reality was a mixture of privilege and ugly, but I reminded myself there were many others in life that worked away from home... and for a lot less reward than I’d been given for doing my job. At least I could rest easy, knowing I had a fantastic support network of people around Layla, and my brother on my doorstep.
Angus surprised me when he called the night before I left for the tour, and although the conversation started normally enough, I sensed there was something he wanted to say. When the words between us dried up and he hadn’t, he suddenly cleared his throat and in the gruffest tone he boldly told me he thought I’d grieved long enough and to go and live my life.
“Six years is a long time to be lonely, Cole. Before now, I’ve watched from a distance. Dorian’s kept me abreast of your progress, and let me tell you, it’s been a painful journey for us, made all the worse for knowing how Grace’s death has affected you.”
I sighed, “I’m on it. Taking Layla to visit the island was a turning point for me.”
“I know this. It was the sign I had waited for, but you need to start really living again. I know it’s hard but it’s time to let Grace go. Something as profound as this will always stay with you, but you need to come to terms with it or it will destroy you. Don’t let it do that, otherwise you may as well all have died that day. Layla deserves a dad who is happy. You owe it to her as well as yourself. Most of all you owe it to Grace’s memory.”
“Angus…”
“Dorian has a letter for you. Grace gave it to me, and I have always carried it with me when we visited, but she made me promise only to give it to you when I thought you were ready to read it. I never felt the time was right until you told me you were taking Layla to the island and going back to work. Before I left I gave it to Dorian and told him to give it to you tonight because I felt if I gave it to you myself before you left it would have given you time to find something in it that stopped you from going again.
My heart raced knowing Grace had sent me a message from beyond the grave. Initially I was angry he had been judging me all this time and held back, and he was right my resolve suddenly wavered about me leaving Layla behind when the insecurity of what I was about to do washed over me.
“Gotta go, I’ll call you,” I mumbled, not trusting myself to say anything else, because I knew what would leave my mouth would be full of hate and angry words. I closed out the call and slumped slowly onto my bed. A tight knot formed in my stomach, my chest felt tight and the all too familiar feeling of loss of Grace threatened to overwhelm me again.
Fighting back the suffocating feeling, I stood and then ran down the stairs and tore out of the house. Seconds later I banged repeatedly on Dorian’s door. He opened it with a shocked look on his face, then his expression changed as he realized why I was there.
“Angus has spoken to you? ”
“Give me the letter.”
“Come inside,” he urged, and I shook my head.
“Give me the fucking letter,” I repeated in a more forceful voice, tears brimming in my eyes.
A look of resignation passed over his face and he turned, walking away from me.
Following him into his living room, he went to a small box over by the chair he always sat in and pulled out a long white envelope. I stuck out my hand to take it and he hesitated, pulling it slightly away.
“This is to help you, Cole, not to set you back, you hear?”
I gestured a ‘gimme’ wave with my hand and nodded.
Placing the letter in my hand, Dorian grabbed me and hugged me tight to his chest before I had the chance to move. “Angus told me he was with Grace when she wrote this, she told him she loved you but she was ready to go.”
Stepping back, I separated from him and shook my head. “No mother is ready to die when they have just brought a new life into the world.”
I turned away from him, needing to get out of his house, and ran outside into the cold February air. Feeling the wind on my face, I glanced in the direction of the house then over toward the meadow. If I was reading words from Grace, I wanted to be close to her.
My chest had never felt tighter, and no letter had ever burned my fingers the way hers had as I sprinted down the hill from my house and all the way to the boat dock. Ten minutes later, I was pulling the frost-covered canopy off our pontoon boat and climbing in. Five more minutes and I was on the island, standing in front of Grace’s gray marble headstone.
Scanning the hollow letters that spelled out her name Grace Harkin , I traced them slowly and stared through tears at the dates. The birth and death digits were far too close together. My beautiful wife had gone too soon.
“Baby, you wrote me a letter,” I hesitated, choking on the emotion in my throat before roughly swallowing it down. “I… it’s been six years since you passed, and you had no idea how hard it would be for me walking this life alone without you.” More tears blurred my vision for a mo ment and I blinked them back before I slid my finger into the seal and tore the envelope open.
Heaving for breath in the suffocating situation, I sniffed, my chest catching the sharp, cold air I took into my lungs. With a racing heart, I pulled out the envelope. To Cole, my husband, my lover, my life.
One page, two sides of Grace’s distinctive scrawled handwriting.
Hello, my beautiful husband. If you’re reading this, then my wonderful dad thinks the time is right. No, don’t shake your head; don’t cry. See? I know you well (smile). In life you gave me everything a woman could have wished for. A love that was pure, a life that was so full it often overwhelmed me, adventures beyond my comprehension, and action… plenty of action; both in and out of the bedroom (wink).
Was it too short? Absolutely. Are we angry about this? Yes, like raging bulls to a matador… I know this… me too. But I could never have wished for a better person to spend the whole of the rest of my life with, since I met you… and I did. You may not have realized this, but I was the lucky one. The one who got to live the perfect life with the only man who held my heart. The man who gave me so much love my heart was fit to burst every time he looked at me with so much love in his. You did this, Cole, and I felt it every day.
The ache in my heart made my eyes close, blinding me from her words, like I was shutting out the wave of excruciating emotions washing over me, coursing through me. My fist tightened, crushing her words in my fist momentarily, as dealing with them cast a heavy shadow over my soul.
Standing, silently I allowed my turbulent emotions to run their course until my strength returned and the tears subsided, before I smoothed out the creases from the paper and returned my focus to her letter again.
I want you to know I’m sorry. Sorry you didn’t get the happily ever after I had with you. Sorry you were the one left behind. Sorry you faced the future with Layla alone. But you see, Cole, had it been you who went first, I know my heart would never have survived the pain. God knew this, and it’s why he took me first.
Time is short, too short for all the things we needed to say to each other, but really the only things that are important to say are these. I’m leaving this earth with a settled, happy soul, but in so much pain I am resigned to my fate. I have no fear for Layla because I know if anyone can protect our daughter, and do what’s right for her, it’s you.
Go with your gut, Cole, it’s never done you wrong. I’d always suspected you were in touch with your feminine side with that intuition of yours (smile).
Now for the part you won’t want to hear (nods). Yes, I know you so well, as to know how hard my passing would have been for you, but, my darling Cole, it’s time. Time you let me go. Time you began to move forward. Time you put the wonderful memories of us to one side and learned to live again. No. More. Tears.
My dying wish is that you live for the both of us, experience that full to bursting joy in your heart we once shared together. Laugh breathlessly, get fall- down- drunk, find a beautiful girl and fall in love; fall for her so hard and deep it washes away our tragedy and the searing pain you carry in your heart. I want you to write her love songs, sing them to her in the rain. Hell, strip naked and dance in it if that’s what floats your boat… but I want you to feel the passion of living again.
Do this not only for yourself, do it for Layla. The rest of your life is a gift, Cole. You walked one path and now you need to walk another. Don’t walk it in pain and anguish; instead do what I know you can. Fly in the face of your sorrow, and love with all of your heart. The person you choose doesn’t deserve to live with a ghost.
Thank you for the tremendous joy you brought me, the incredible life that we lived, and the precious beautiful child we made that lives on, with you. You were my world and I was yours, but hear me when I speak from beyond, and say now is the time to discover another life that’s waiting out there for you.
My blessing is yours. Whatever you do, whomever you choose, I give you gladly to her, if she is deserving. My only wish is she loves our amazing daughter as much as we do.
Grace x.
For long painful minutes I stood silently weeping. No longer angry about the love I’d lost, my only feeling being immense sadness. Eventually the biting cold wind cut into my senses and stirred me from my trancelike state. I turned my focus to the letter again. Folding it carefully in the fading light, I slipped it into my jacket pocket and turned to walk back to the boat. Suddenly a sharp gust of wind unsteadied me, and I glanced back toward Grace’s grave.
“Damn, was that you?” I joked then smiled at my spontaneous reaction. Then I thought, just like in life, Grace had knocked me off of my feet. Giving a rueful smile, I turned slowly and headed back to my life.
Stepping onto the boat that day, I felt a shift inside of me, like the burden of grieving for Grace had been lifted. It terrified and relieved me in equal measure, but I didn’t know what the emotional weight of those feelings meant for my future.