Chapter 28
Chapter
Vivian
Lennon’s eyes widened. “You don’t know that I want you?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what to think. I know we’ve had things to figure out, but there have been a lot of mixed signals, and…” I crossed my arms. “I don’t want to play games.” Does that even make sense? I turned away, feeling my cheeks heat. “Excuse me, please. I need some space.”
Lennon looked like he might follow as I walked out onto the lawn, but he was smart enough to respect my feelings. I sighed as I made my rounds, petting dogs and talking to their humans.
I smiled at Aldo and Tobias when I got to the large deck at the back of their brewery. “Your space is beautiful, and the food was excellent,” I told them.
“Glad you liked it,” Aldo said. “Cruiser went to a lot of effort to make this happen.”
My stomach curdled with something akin to shame. I was sexually frustrated and feeling unsure in my relationship—what I wanted, what I needed—and I’d taken it out on Lennon. That wasn’t fair. He’d spent time and money and effort on today for me . And he was going slow because he wanted to build something real, earn my trust—which I wanted too. What had come over me earlier? I rubbed my forehead, wishing I could get out of my own damn head and just…go with this.
But, dammit. I was afraid.
Terrified.
My dad hadn’t wanted me. My mom was gone. Lennon had left me before. We’d talked it through, and his explanation made sense, but something inside me remained stubbornly unsure. Anytime I loved someone, they disappeared. I shook my head, trying to push past that thought.
“You look unhappy,” Tobias said. He shot Aldo a glance, and his brother clicked at the dogs, who rose and followed him down the steps and out into the yard. All around us, people were packing their blankets and cleaning up.
“Just…unsettled,” I said.
He hummed. “I understand that feeling. When I came home, after my surgeries and initial recovery, I was told I would need to rely on family until I was able to get my prosthetics. I was grateful but also frustrated. We’re human, which means complex. We often have multiple emotions at once. The hard part is when those emotions don’t mesh, and we have to do the hard work of finding ways to knit them together.”
“How did you do that?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Candid conversations with my brother, since he was my main caregiver. And realizing that what I wanted the world to be wasn’t how it was actually going to be. Somehow, I thought I was in total control of my life, which is total BS. None of us is. Ever. Because random shit happens, whether it’s a helo malfunction.” He waved up and down his body. “Or a relationship or a job—or hell, getting a disease. We can try to mitigate risks, but you can’t account for every dumbass who answers a text or changes the radio station or sneezes.”
I nodded. “You’re right. But wasn’t ceding the semblance of control hard?”
“Oh, yeah.” Tobias chuckled. “Hardest thing I’ve ever done— way more effort than re-learning to walk.” He leaned closer. “But I gotta tell you, it’s really freeing once you manage it. I can control my reactions some of the time, and that’s as good as any of us can do, really.”
I took his prosthetic hand in both of mine and squeezed. “Thank you for that. I needed to hear it.”
“And Arlo’s right, Cruz is really pulling out the stops. Seems like he messed up before, but that doesn’t mean he’s not invested in your relationship. He’s just…well, not as good at following his emotions as you are. That’s not an excuse, just the reality we were born into.”
I nodded again. “I hear what you’re saying.” I smiled. “And I need to take your advice and be as emotionally intelligent as you’ve been. Thanks again, Tobias. I hope to see you again soon.”
He smiled, flashing a deep dimple in his right cheek. “Tell your man to send me some more tickets.”
I laughed. “I’ll see what I can do.”
We said our goodbyes soon after, and the ride back toward downtown with Lennon was quiet. I stared out the window, trying to decide how best to broach the conversation.
“I should check in with your mom.”
He nodded. “I did. She said she’s feeling fine and going to bed soon.”
Of course he had that covered. Lennon cared deeply for his mom and would never compromise her well-being; I didn’t need to worry about that.
“Oh, okay. Great.” I took a deep breath. “I lashed out at you, and that wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.”
He glanced over at me. “It’s okay.”
I dropped my gaze to my lap, twisting my shirt between my fingers. “No, it’s not. You’ve been nothing but honest and thoughtful toward me since I arrived. I told you our past was past, but I’m the one struggling to let it go.”
He remained silent, but I knew he was listening intently.
“I’m afraid, Lennon. Even though I shouldn’t be. My dad bailed when I was young because a whiny little kid didn’t fit into his fighter-pilot persona.” I swallowed. “That’s my memory of him.” Tears pushed against the back of my eyes. “My only memory.”
“Vivi, that’s… That sucks.”
I nodded. “It does. And then I lost my mom. She was my anchor, my friend. I was twenty years old and alone.” I swiped at my cheeks. “Then…I met you, and it was a dream, a beautiful, perfect dream…”
He cursed. “And I disappeared from your life.”
“Yeah. It’s just…I don’t trust this.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “That’s not fair to you. I know it’s not. But how can I trust what you say now when…”
“Ah, Vivi. I get it.”
We were quiet. I wasn’t sure how to bridge this even bigger moat I’d created. I stared out the window, miserable. His voice startled me.
“I’m taking you to my condo. I’d like you to come upstairs so we can talk some more—if you’re willing. And comfortable.”
“Okay.”
Once he’d parked in his spot, he came around to help me out of the too-high passenger seat and then opened the back door for Belladonna, who hopped down with ease. We remained silent as we headed up to his place.
After opening the door for me, Lennon followed me in and flicked on the lights. Belladonna beelined to her large, plush doggie bed in front of a set of picture windows with views of the Houston skyline. She flopped down with a heartfelt sigh. She had played hard and was clearly looking forward to a comfy sleep.
“Want a drink?” Lennon asked.
I shook my head. I was tired, both physically and emotionally, though it was the emotional fatigue that gave me pause. I didn’t want to get so wrapped up in my own drama that I didn’t give Lola the care she deserved.
He gestured toward the couches and settled in the corner. “I spent the rest of the drive thinking about what you said,” he began, “about how things have gone between us from the beginning.” He scrubbed his hand over his beard. “I also heard part of what Tobias told you—about wanting to control situations. I think…that’s gotten more important to me since the attack.”
His brown eyes met mine, and I saw shadows move in their depths. “I care about you, Vivian. A lot.” He shook his head. “I’m in love with you.” His shoulders relaxed. “ I love you . I hated the threats to your safety and happiness. I’d gladly take another beating if it meant keeping you safe and whole.”
I leaned closer and cupped his cheek. He turned his head and kissed my palm.
“But I can’t make decisions for you the way I’ve been doing with how fast and how far to take our relationship—that’s stifling, and it’s forgetting the cardinal rule of treating others as I want to be treated. I appreciate that you don’t coddle me or my mom. You’re factual while still warm when you share information, even when it’s not the best news. I want to be like that with you. Because I respect you. And I love you.” He released a breath his eyes holding mine.
Some of the tension and misery eased from me. “My turn?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“I love you, too, Lennon. I have since that first night we spent together in Michigan. I wanted to stop when you quit talking to me, but I couldn’t. I wanted to stop when I decided to come out here, but I couldn’t. I’m pretty sure I’ll always love you, because you’re so fiercely protective, even as you’re tender and loving.”
“Vivi.” He leaned closer.
“Part of me loving you is wanting you, physically. And I do. Very much. So, I’d really like you to love me, Lennon, with that big, sexy body of yours.”
He leaned in so our foreheads touched. “I’m all yours.”
“Good.” I tackled him back against the sofa, straddling his thick legs. “Cuz this woman has needs.”
The soft brush of his lips and the whisper of his beard against my cheek and chin caused me to shiver. I moaned as I wrapped my arms around Lennon’s neck. With the tip of his tongue, he tested the seam of my mouth. That made me so hot. I pressed more tightly against him. In response, Lennon swiped his tongue into the slick interior of my mouth.
He bent his knees so he could get his forearm under my butt. He lifted me with that arm, the other hand still cupping the back of my head. Heat flared through me. I wrapped my legs around his waist and threaded my fingers through his hair. I ground my warm center against his growing bulge, desperate for friction, for being filled—for release from the weeks of unbearable tension.
His grip firmed, pinning me against him. Then, he deepened the kiss still further. I hadn’t thought that possible. My nerves were already tingling, and my belly had warmed with desire.
“Need you,” he mumbled against my lips.
I pulled back with a gasp. We both breathed heavily—like we’d sprinted a 10k. “If you stop this time, I’ll…”
His kiss-swollen lips quirked up. They were so pink and soft, and I desperately wanted them back on mine. “You’ll what?”
I met his gaze. “I’ll cry.”
His expression softened, as did his hold on the back of my head. “Ah, Vivi. I want you desperately.”
“I need you, Lennon.” I shifted, restless and so sensitive. “No teasing.”
“You sure about that?” he asked.
My eyes filled, because I really was so close to losing control. “Don’t.”
He kissed me softly. Then again. And again. Deeper, harder, a flash of teeth across my lower lip. His hand clamped more tightly on my ass as he ground against me.
“Gotta get to the bedroom.” He strode down the hallway as I peppered his neck and chest—anywhere I could reach—with kisses.
He slammed his elbow into the door frame and muttered a curse. But he was gentle as he lowered me down his body. I let my hand slide across his shoulders, over his pecs. He leaned down and kissed me again. His fingers drifted to the zipper at the back of my dress. “I want this off.”
“Yes. Now.”
He unzipped me quickly and pushed the gauzy sleeves off my shoulders. I gave a shimmy of my hips, and the dress pooled at my feet. Lennon sucked in a breath as he noted the silky lingerie set I wore. The bra cupped my breasts, the thin silk stopping just above my nipple. Delicate lace wove up to the straps. My panties weren’t a risqué thong, but a more comfortable bikini that cut high on my hip, revealing my whole thigh.
“You are so gorgeous,” Lennon breathed. His fingertips slid across my belly, swirling around my belly button, and then his knuckles dragged along the top of my panties. “I am in awe of you.”
He slid his big palm back and cupped my butt cheek, tugging me against him. That prominent bulge seemed bigger, harder now. I pressed against it more firmly, moaning as slickness dampened my thighs.
“What do you want, Vivian?”
I arched my neck, and he ran his palm down its side, resting his thumb at the hollow where my pulse pounded.
“You,” I breathed. “All of you.”
He stepped back, took a deep inhale, and let his hands hang loose at his sides. “You got me. Any way you want me.”
Desire licked through me, causing my skin to tighten. “What are you saying?”
“You’re in charge, Vivi. Whatever you want, however you want, I’m here for you.”
Passion exploded as tenderness unfurled in my chest. I cupped his cheek. “Thank you, Lennon.” Control was hard-wired into him. I understood that now that I’d gotten to know him. His need to control situations came from the loss of his father, then his older brother, leaving him unmoored right as he hit adolescence. Hockey had secured a place for him, given Lennon an identity and goals to achieve, but containing a situation, emotions? That felt necessary for survival.
I kissed him as I slid my hands down his chest. I smoothed my hands over the skin-warmed cotton T-shirt, flicking my fingernails against his nipples. He hissed a breath but remained still.
“Touch me, Lennon.”
His hands came up and gripped my waist, holding me to him as he ravaged my mouth. Our teeth clanked, our tongues fought for dominance. I pulled his button-down and tee from his pants, sliding my palms over his slabs of muscle. He shrugged out of the shirt, then tugged the back of the neck of his T-shirt to yank it off. I lifted his arm and kissed the knife scar he’d gotten there.
With a soft push to his shoulder, I settled Lennon back on the bed, and I divested him of his socks, boots, and the rest of his clothes. “Mmm… You’re so big and hard and mine,” I cooed.
His erection leaped, brushing his hard abdominals. “Yes, I am.”
“You like that?” I crawled over his body. “You like me saying you’re mine ?”
His hard dick thumped against my inner thigh.
“Yes. Yes.” He chanted the words as he cupped my breasts.
I kissed his neck, then moved down over his heart, placing open-mouthed kisses as I worked lower.
He groaned, his hips jittering. “Ah, hell, Vivian.”
My breath fanned over his rigid flesh, and I smiled at the bead of precum oozing from his tip. I knelt beside him and took off my bra and panties. I enjoyed Lennon’s soft words of praise, so dirty and delicious that I had to press my thighs together to ease the ache.
“Do we need condoms?” he rasped.
I’d thought about that, a lot, since I fantasized about him—a lot. “Are you clean?” I asked. I might be into sexy times, but I was a nurse.
He nodded. “I have a box in the drawer?—”
“I’m on the pill.”
He licked his lips. “You’re sure?”
I nodded. “I want this to be us . Just us .” I put my knee back on the bed and laid out over him. Lennon’s pupils blew wide. His callused fingers smoothed over my breasts, ribs, butt, and then up my back. “I’m going to have you now,” I told him.
“ Yes . Need you, Vivi.”
I kissed him as I reached between us and wrapped a hand around his erection. I stroked up and down, up and down, loving his moans. He reciprocated by tugging at my nipples and kissing me near senseless.
I straddled his hips. Slowly, oh, so slowly, I rubbed my cleft over his sensitive head, enjoying the sensations. Each time I bumped his hard flesh into my clit, a flicker of lightning detonated in my belly. Sweat broke out on our bodies, and Lennon grew louder, his hands fisted at his sides. He was so close to losing control.
I reveled in this moment—in my control over him. He’d given me this gift, his trust. I had to show I would never abuse it. My thighs began to quiver, and my heart pounded against my ribs. We were both so turned on.
I notched him at my entrance the next time I rubbed forward and then sank onto his turgid length.
“Oh my…” His mouth fell open, his hands squeezed my hips, and he seemed to quit breathing as I settled against his pelvis.
“Lennon, you feel so good…so…”
“Vivi.” My name was a prayer, floating from his chest.
I pushed up, my thighs quivering, and sank down. My palms landed on his broad chest as I swiveled my hips. He ground his teeth as I rode him. My breath hitched. “T-touch me.”
His thumb went to my swollen nub. He rubbed my clit, and my walls clamped tighter. “Harder, Lennon.”
He increased the pressure on my clit. I couldn’t take a full breath.
“Your hips. Push into me.” He lifted his knees, drew his hips down, and then slammed back up. My head tipped back. He rose and kissed my neck as he rubbed my clit and pounded into me. The orgasm rushed over me like a high-speed train, slamming pleasure into my sensitized cells and eliciting a high-pitched mewl from my lips.
It went on and on as Lennon powered into me from below. His rhythm was strong, sure, and much too controlled for my sloppy state of bliss.
I collapsed forward so my cheek rested against his chest. He continued to thrust up into me.
“Don’t hold back,” I said. “I don’t want you to?—”
In a powerful move, Lennon flipped us so I was on my back. He shuttled his hips against mine, and I stared into his face.
“I want to look in your eyes when I come,” he ground out. “I want you to see what you do to me.”
He sped up, the pounding somehow harder, deeper, more intensely. My muscles tightened as he shifted his weight so he rubbed against my clit with each push. My chest heaved.
“Look at those pretty tits bounce. Look at that flush. Look at how you take me. So deep. So good, Vivi. You take all of me.”
I did. I took him, and he revved me right back to the edge. His expression tightened as he thrust home. I came again, even harder than before, just as Lennon spent himself inside me.