Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Avery
“Look at this one.” Lily spun her laptop around and took a sip of her frosé.
They’d discovered a slushie maker in the cottage, perfect for the bottle of rosé Avery had bought at the cute wine shop, next to the cozy bookshop and across the street from the quaint bakery.
If social media influencers built a town, it would be Boothbay Harbor.
“Amazing,” Avery said for the millionth time, wondering how many puffin pictures Lily had taken on the cruise.
Avery had ogled over at least five hundred already.
Each photo refreshed Lily’s cruise euphoria.
The adorable puffins flitted back and forth from the rock island to the sea.
Some floated on the water, which made for the best views of their colorful beaks.
Lily loved it so much, she’d immediately plopped down at the dining table next to the window with views of the busy harbor, downloaded her photos, and started editing them while Anna Catherine FaceTimed with Hayes and Lennox on the porch.
The rest of the group smartly avoided rehashing the entire morning frame-by-frame and were resting upstairs.
Lily rotated the laptop, cropping and filtering, then scrolling to the next photo.
Avery spun her straw in her frosé and took a long sip.
Miles would’ve loved the puffin cruise. He and Nate loved any excuse to be on the water.
Most guys, Trent included, flew to Vegas for a bachelor party. Nate chose three days on a river.
Avery dreaded going back to the lake and waiting for Miles’s return from the bachelor trip, four days from now.
They’d texted and Miles sent her an adorable photo of himself with a sleeping puppy in his arms. She half-hoped he’d bring the puppy back with him.
Avery let out a long exhale. A few days paled in comparison to ten years.
And unlike that summer, this time she’d say what she needed to say, once she figured it out.
“You okay?” Lily arched an eyebrow.
“Great.” Avery took another sip of her frosé to hide her frustration.
Except Lily saw through everything, thanks to her teacher radar.
“Ayuh, there’s a lot of heavy sighing coming from you.” Lily let down the eyebrow and narrowed her eyes. “You don’t need to keep things in, just because this is my bachelorette. Spill the tea, Aves.”
“It’s Miles.”
“Of course it is. What did he do this time?” Lily returned to her photos, as if Miles causing discontent was a common occurrence requiring little brainpower.
“Well, I tried to break up with him, and—”
“Wait. What?” Lily raised a hand to her gaping mouth.
Avery puffed her cheeks and blew out a long breath. As much as she hated to bother Lily, she needed the comfort only a best friend could provide.
“Things went south at the gala. We got into a fight, and ugh, Lily, it wasn’t about the party. I told him I loved him while we were getting ready. And he didn’t say it back.”
Lily closed her computer. “He didn’t?”
“Not even close. He froze, like I’d delivered devastating news. To be fair, I should’ve picked a better time to say it. We were about to leave, and he was stressed about his speech.”
Avery traced the icy sweat forming on her glass.
She’d wanted him to repeat it back, so she’d feel secure.
Declaring your love should be about the person you’re saying it to.
She’d denied Miles the chance to feel cared for, cherished, and understood by seeking her own validation and saying it on a frenzied night.
“The party was so crowded, we couldn’t find each other.
I kept looking for him, but it didn’t seem like he was looking for me.
I felt like everything Victoria said came true.
Like he iced me out because I don’t fit in his life.
And he”—Avery choked back tears—“I’m not sure he wants a long-term commitment.
I mean, it’s not just that he can’t say he loves me.
He was great at communicating when we first got back together, and I thought he had changed.
But when it’s time for big feelings, he’s like a clam that won’t open.
You pry and pry and eventually, you give up.
Either that, or he runs. I tried to break up with him to save myself the heartbreak of hearing him say he doesn’t love me. ”
“Hey.” Lily rested a reassuring hand on top of Avery’s.
“We know love is complicated for Miles and he bottles up his feelings. But so many of his actions say he loves you. You know he outbid the Coopers to get the Red House? They wanted to expand Montressa. It blew up into a huge thing and one night, he and Nate went at it. When Nate asked him why he needed that house, Miles said, ‘because she loves that red A-frame. There’s no other house like it, and if she ever comes back here and paddles by, I want to be there. He didn’t need to say who ‘she’ was because Nate knew. Everyone knows.”
Avery twirled her glass. While buying the house she loved sounded romantic, it also put the burden on her. Miles relied on his actions to make up for what he couldn’t or wouldn’t say, but his inactions communicated things as well.
“That is the stupidest way to get someone back.” Avery threw her hands in the air.
“This isn’t The Notebook. Instead of waiting for me to show up, he could’ve called or come found me.
Either way, we’d have to talk. To be fair, this summer he’s better about working through things.
Except when talk turns to love, he runs. ”
Avery picked up her glass and aggressively slurped the last drop of frosé at the bottom of her glass. Lily rubbed her hand down her face. A second later, the porch door swung open and Anna Catherine walked in.
“Did someone mention The Notebook? I love that movie. Their love story had so much chemistry even though Ryan and Rachel did not get along during filming and… Oh no.” Her enthusiasm disappeared. “What’d I miss?”
She plunked into the open chair across the table.
“Miles is being Miles.” Lily rolled her eyes, reached across the table for Avery’s empty glass, stood, and walked back to the kitchen. “I think we all need a refresh.”
“Lily,” Avery called after her. “I should get your frosé.”
“You’ll have plenty of opportunities”—Lily paused for a beat and sang out—“at my wedding.”
Avery filled in Anna Catherine until Lily returned with a tray of drinks and tissues.
“Just in case,” she said as she put the tissue box between them.
Once they were all seated, Avery shrugged. “So, what do y’all think?”
“When Hayes and I reached this point, we had a bump in the road too,” Anna Catherine said. “He thought loving me somehow diluted his love for his mom. Like love was finite.”
Avery felt her heart flutter. Poor Hayes and Miles shared a sadness, but she wasn’t sure Miles had the same misconceptions about love. She’d seen fear in his eyes when he rubbed his chest. Still, Anna Catherine might have an idea how to coax the issue out of him.
“So what did you do?” Avery asked.
“I told him he didn’t have to love me, but I loved him and planned to stick by him.
It was slow going for a while, but worth it.
He lined up a therapist who could do telehealth while he was on location.
I think being apart for work helped us. He had the space to work through his issues away on set, and so did I.
By the time we came back, we knew what we wanted and thankfully, it was the same thing. ”
Avery hoped she and Miles regarded their pause the same way.
“These guys.” Anna swirled her straw in her frosé. “They lost their moms, and their hearts got jumbled. Give him time. He’ll talk.”
“It seems natural for Hayes and Miles to have issues with intimacy,” Lily said. “Moms love unconditionally. Losing that so young must alter your sense of what forever means.”
Uncertainty about whether love could last a lifetime might explain why Miles had avoided a relationship ten years earlier. She wished their second chance hadn’t come with the risk of suffering heartbreak again. But that was how relationships worked.
“Maybe.” Avery mixed the melted and frozen frosé in her glass into a slushier slush.
“I can tell he keeps things from me. Whenever our future comes up, he turns white as a ghost, grabs his chest, and freezes. Then he flees. Like he did that day in the parking lot when having children came up. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough. ”
Anna Catherine covered her eyes with her hand. “I feel so bad about that.”
“Don’t. It was a natural thing to say. Most people would’ve let it slide, but he got so worked up, I worried about his well-being. And when I said I loved him this weekend, it happened again.”
Avery carefully placed her glass back in the water ring it had left on the coaster. If Miles needed space, she could wait a little while, but not another ten years.
“Hang on.” Lily leaned her elbows on the table. “Describe what he does again.”
“Goes pale, grabs at his chest,” Avery said. “His breathing gets uneven.”
“He broke out in a sweat too,” Anna Catherine added.
“That sounds like a panic attack.” Lily snapped her fingers. “Some of my students have them. One told me she grabs her chest so she can count her heartbeats. I have another who takes his pulse.”
Avery closed her eyes and asked herself how she hadn’t seen it before.
Her chest sank like a rock in water. She’d made the moments about her.
Miles was hurting, and regardless of whether he loved her, she loved him.
It made sense for him to be wary of love.
Love had made him suffer the unimaginable. Whatever he needed, she’d do.
She glanced out the window, hoping to stop the expanding lump in her throat.
“How do I help him?” she asked, tears stinging her eyes.
“Accept you can’t fix it. He can’t make it go away either,” Anna Catherine said. “Maybe gently ask if he knows what a panic attack is. From there, see if he’s willing to get professional help.”
When middle school friendships got hard, Avery’s mother used to take her for long drives.
She’d always felt safer pouring her heart out in the car, when she could focus on the road instead of her mother.
Perhaps if Miles didn’t have to look her in the eye, he’d feel safe enough to open up.
Nighttime might work. They were good at having deep conversations in the dark, like when they’d stargazed or searched for Casper.
“Develop some sort of code so he can alert you he’s having one, without other people catching on,” Lily said.
“I have a deal with my students. There’s a quiet corner in my classroom, with curtains you can pull shut.
It was the best I could come up with. If they ask me if they can study quietly, I let them.
One said they do deep breathing exercises there. ”
“My brother uses repetition to get through them,” Anna Catherine said. “Like counting or playing an app on his phone called Bubble Wrap. It’s designed to mimic popping bubble wrap. He finds it soothing.”
Avery imagined Miles popping bubble wrap on his phone. “I can’t wait to suggest to the founder of the CashCache that he download an app called Bubble Wrap.”
“My amateur diagnosis only goes so far.” Lily smiled. “But if they are panic attacks, Miles can get through this. Therapy and finding what else works for him may take time, but he’ll get there.”
Avery wasn’t ready to give up on Miles. In their best moments, he felt like combination of kismet and a soulmate, what Mimi had termed a kis-mate.
He’d come back to her bed the other night, a sign he might still let her in.
If that happened again, she’d ask Miles how to help and suggest some of the ideas Lily and Anna Catherine had shared.
“Thanks, y’all.”
“I love when from-aways say y’all” Lily giggled.
Avery remembered everyone that summer calling her a from-away. It meant you weren’t from Maine. Who cared? You didn’t have to be from Maine to love a Mainer.
Lily reopened her computer and scrolled to the next picture. Her eyes widened and she spun the screen to Avery. The perfect puffin photo existed. Mid-flight, its head turned to the camera. Tiny orange feet trailed straight behind its body. The wispy clouds in the blue sky looked airbrushed.
“Lily,” Avery gasped. “This one is next level.”
“I agree.” Anna held her hand to her mouth. “They’re all cute, but this one has such life and movement.”
“I think it’s the best photo I’ve ever taken.” Lily grinned at her work and closed her laptop. “Puffins are too cute.”
Mimi used to say some things were better left unsaid, so Avery didn’t tell Lily Miles’s puppy photo was cuter. She picked up her phone instead and sent Miles a text.
Avery: Hey. Just want to say I’m thinking of you. Hope all is well
Miles: Hey. Walking home from therapy. Tired but feeling hopeful. How were the puffins?
Her chest lifted at the mention of therapy. Miles was trying. Maybe they both could find out how to communicate better. She hearted his message.
Avery: I always need a nap after therapy. The puffins were so much fun. So cute. Have you ever seen them?
Miles: No. I’ll put it on my list
Avery: List?
Miles: Someone taught me the virtues of having one … or several … going at the same time :)
Avery: She sounds like a keeper
Miles: Yeah, I miss her
Avery put down her phone and reminded herself that giving him the time and space he needed could turn that last text to I love her.