3. Letting Go
3
LETTING GO
ANSEL
I had wanted to cancel the lunch after talking to HR about getting rid of Neha. I felt like an ass, trying to make small talk with her, pretending that she’d come upstairs with me when she wouldn’t.
Vanessa had been telling me for the past year that I needed a new assistant. I couldn’t understand why since Neha was excellent, and many of my colleagues envied me for having someone so capable.
But I started to see things that Vanessa pointed out. For example, Neha sometimes insisted on changes in a presentation, which I usually agreed with, but that wasn’t her job. She was just an assistant, and she was trying to play above her weight class when she gave me her opinion on strategic matters.
I mean who the hell was the Senior Director here?
Sure, I didn’t throw my title around, but it bothered me that she sometimes acted like she was smarter than me. And maybe she was—at least when it came to catching mistakes. On those occasions, it felt like she went out of her way to prove it, pointing out every flaw in my reports.
I was always glad she did—better to fix an error before a meeting than embarrass myself in one. Still, it rankled.
“You’re lucky she fixes your fuck ups,” Charlie Dance, a colleague had told me just a couple of weeks ago.
Neha had come running into the conference room, where I was to present to the leadership team before the meeting started.
“I just saw it,” she said apologetically, referring to some financial numbers on a slide that I had included.
“I’m glad you did,” I assured her, though a part of me was annoyed that she’d found it only at the last minute. “You sure there are no other mistakes?”
I knew my tone was harsh but fuck, I had to present in five minutes.
“Yes, none. I looked through with a fine toothcomb.”
“Okay. Thank you,” I muttered.
She looked hurt when she left the room, and Charlie commented on how lucky I was.
“I wish my assistant was that dedicated,” he continued.
“She should’ve caught it earlier,” I snapped.
He looked bemused. “You said you just finished it this morning, so how could she have caught it earlier?”
He had a point, but I hated how insecure Neha made me feel, like I needed her to do my job. I did not.
“Have you been here before?” I asked Neha once we were seated at a corner table at Delmonico’s.
I came here with colleagues and even brought some women I dated. Vanessa and I had a standing lunch at least once a week.
Lately, I’d been spending a lot of time with Vanessa, and I wondered if she had feelings for me. We were friends, sure, but sometimes she would rest a hand on my arm—or worse, my thigh. I always pulled away. Immediately.
I was careful about boundaries at work. Some people didn’t mind casual touches, but I wasn’t about to risk making anyone uncomfortable. The last thing I needed was a misstep that could be misinterpreted.
Neha had never crossed a line with me—not even by accident. But according to Vanessa, everyone could see she had a crush on me, and that wouldn’t play well when I moved up. She wasn’t wrong. As leaders, we had to be careful—how we behaved, how we spoke, how we led. I couldn’t have anyone thinking I was sleeping with my assistant. That kind of rumor could ruin my career.
“No,” Neha murmured. “This is my first time.”
As I watched her across the table, I sensed something was wrong. She was subdued, and her usually smiling face looked tense.
“Is everything okay?” I asked softly.
She gave me a half smile and nodded. “Yes, Ansel.”
The half-assed smile lit up her face—because Neha Rao was absolutely stunning. She dressed professionally in pants and skirt suits. Today, she wore a sapphire blue silk blouse with a chocolate brown skirt with matching knee-high boots. She had removed her suit jacket when we sat down. It was early spring in New York, and there was still a chill in the air—but we’d all put our big coats away.
Her eyes were dark brown and she did something to make them look big. She always dressed in colors that complemented the warm undertones of her skin. Her sleek hair was pulled back into a low ponytail, and the small gold studs in her ears caught the light every time she moved.
She was a beautiful woman, no doubt about that. She was reliable, sharp, and kind, making people feel seen. She anticipated what I needed before I even asked, worked harder than anyone else, and never expected credit for it.
I’d always had a thing for her—not that I ever admitted it to myself for long. Neha was off-limits, obviously.
And that was a big problem. Lately, I’d caught myself looking at her too long and thinking about her at odd hours. I’d already decided that spelled disaster, so I’d ask her to find another job, using her graduating with her MBA as an excuse. But then she said she wanted to stay with me, and I foolishly told her that would be possible. It would be if I wanted it, but I didn’t.
“Thanks for bringing me here; I’ve always wanted to come.”
“It’s my pleasure,” I said politely.
She nodded and then browsed the menu.
Am I doing the right thing by letting her go? Yes, yes.
Even if I could and would control my attraction to her, Neha telling people that she was doing half my job was not acceptable.
I pushed the thoughts aside as the waiter took our orders. I went for the steak, and Neha chose the fish. She didn’t eat beef—not just because she was Hindu, she’d once told me, but because she had never grown up eating it. And now, she just couldn’t.
Since we were going back to work after lunch, we didn’t order wine. I got a tonic water with bitters while Neha said she was fine with water.
“Are you excited about finishing your MBA?” I asked, trying to fill the space with small talk. She was never reticent like this, and it was uncomfortable as hell that I had to initiate all the conversations.
She blinked, as if she hadn’t expected the question. “Yes.”
“Classes going well? Capstone project?”
“They’re going well. We just finished a strategy case on private equity buyouts. It was interesting to look at deals from a different perspective.”
I nodded, genuinely interested. “Are you thinking of shifting to PE, then?”
She hesitated. “I haven’t decided yet.”
Her tone was careful, which bothered me. Neha was usually animated when we talked about her classes, but today, she was holding back.
I studied her. Did she sense something? No, she couldn’t. I hadn’t given anything away.
When our food arrived, it was a relief because it gave me something to do. I was nervous and felt guilty about what I was going to do to her next week. Neha had always been good to me, but now, when I was climbing the ladder, I was kicking her off of it.
But this will be good for her, too. She’ll get a job better suited for her with that new MBA of hers. She could be more than an assistant…just somewhere that wasn’t Sterling.
When Vanessa casually suggested this morning that Neha might work for someone else in the company, I’d acted outwardly indifferent—but inwardly, the thought of Neha doing for someone else what she did for me, especially where I’d have to see it, was unbearable. No, that wouldn’t do at all.
As we ate, the conversation picked up, but she wasn’t the usually cheerful Neha. It nagged at me, even as I tried to convince myself that everyone was allowed to have a bad day and maybe that was it. I didn’t need to make a Federal case out of it.
We were finishing our coffee after I paid the bill, when Neha reached into her bag and pulled out an envelope.
She set it in front of me. “I wanted to give this to you in person.”
I frowned as I pulled the letter out. The second I saw the words Re: Resignation Notice , my stomach dropped.
“What is this?” I asked, even though it was obvious what this was.
“My resignation,” she replied unhelpfully.
A rush of thoughts hit me all at once—confusion, disbelief, and guilt .
I looked at her. “You’re quitting?”
“Yes.”
“Why? Do you have another offer?” I demanded, even though I knew this was the best way. She’d leave, and I wouldn’t have to fire her, wouldn’t have to feel shamefaced about doing it, wouldn’t have to do it , which I had to admit was a massive relief.
“No, I don’t.” She gave me a small, tired smile. “I overheard you and Vanessa this morning.”
The blood drained from my face. “What did you?—”
“It’s fine,” she cut in smoothly, but her words were brittle with none of the warmth I was used to with her. “I just wanted you to know that I never told anyone I was the reason you got promoted or that I did your job for you or any of that. I would never do that.”
Remorse twisted in my gut. “I?—”
“And if you somehow figured out that I had feelings for you”—she let out a ragged breath, shaking her head—“I’m sorry that made you uncomfortable. I didn’t think it was obvious. I’ve always been careful, and I don’t believe I’ve ever been unprofessional with you.”
No, you haven’t—but I clearly have, judging by the shit I said to Vanessa. The same shit you overheard, and that’s got you looking like someone just kicked your puppy.
“I’m going to apologize for talking about you to Vanessa and?—”
“It wasn’t the first time you talked about me to her, Ansel, only the first time I overheard you,” she corrected me.
I wanted to argue, to tell her she was wrong, that it wasn’t what she thought, but the words didn’t come. Because the truth was, I had said those things, not once but several times. And I had meant them.
At least, I thought I had.
“If you heard what we talked about, you also know that if you don’t resign, you get three weeks’ severance.” I felt like an ass for saying it, but I wanted her to get something on her way out.
“Doesn’t matter.”
I hated how hollow her voice sounded. “So, this is your two-week notice?”
“Yes. But I hope you understand that I won’t be coming back to the office, not after what you said about me. I’ve already submitted my vacation request to HR, so you should see it for approval soon. I’ll be taking my remaining days off during my notice period.”
I opened my mouth, but she was already rising, already slipping her bag over her shoulder.
“I really enjoyed working with you,” she said with that same half-assed smile she gave me when we were first seated. “I…I’m sorry for anything that…well, anything wrong I did.”
“Neha, come on. I’m the one who should apologize for speaking about you so callously.”
She shrugged. “You should never apologize for speaking your truth. But for the future, I request you to talk to the person you think you have an issue with and not with Vanessa, who, by the way, is someone who likes to insinuate you and her are more than friends.”
My eyes narrowed.
She chuckled. “Now you don’t know who to believe, her or me.”
I was about to say something, but she held her hand up, and I fell silent. Probably a good thing if I shut the fuck up, considering I’d fucked this up so badly.
“I have talked discreetly with Lori Foster, and she said she would be able to support you until you hire a new assistant.”
Lori was Charlie’s EA, a very capable one—just not as good as mine. Lori would not be able to correct any discrepancies in an Excel sheet or ask me to rethink a strategy.
Shame coursed through me. Even as she was leaving, Neha was taking care of me, while I’d disparaged her to Vanessa.
“Neha, I am so sorry it ended this way.” I got up, wanting to…hug her? Yeah, I wasn’t going to do that as there was a good chance she’d slap me.
“Me too,” she agreed sadly. “But I feel better about doing it this way than being humiliated further when you fired me.”
I closed my eyes to control my emotions. It had seemed so simple, so easy to talk to HR about getting rid of an employee—but now that she was standing in front of me, so brave and honest, I felt a strong wave of self-loathing.
“I don’t know what to say,” I finally admitted.
“I’ll help you.” She hitched her bag on her shoulder. “Say goodbye, Neha.”
I licked my lips. “Goodbye, Neha,” I repeated.
“Goodbye Ansel. I wish you well.”
I watched her leave the restaurant with an ache in my heart. I’d been an asshole while she’d been classy and elegant in how she handled me.
I had never felt smaller in my life.