Chapter 18
HALLE
I washed my hands in my bathroom and exhaled. I wasn’t joking when I told Jake that I desperately needed a wee. A few minutes later and I might’ve wet myself, which would’ve been embarrassing.
As I headed out to the bedroom and thought about our ‘piss’ conversation, a smile touched my lips. I’d never really thought about how many weird sayings we used with that word. And until today, I never thought that a man like Jake would make me laugh, smile and feel safe either.
What a difference a few hours could make.
It pained me to admit it, but I’d had a good day. I’d conquered a fear and actually enjoyed the horse riding.
I’d seen some great views of LA and I’d voluntarily posed for a photo for the first time in years.
That wouldn’t seem like a big deal for most people, but it was for me.
In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but I was on a high.
Now though, I was questioning my judgement because no doubt that photo and the ones Sammie took yesterday were probably already plastered all over social media.
My stomach sank as the painful memories came flooding back of how Brett’s fans used to pick me apart whenever a photo of me appeared on his social media or in those trashy gossip magazines.
The criticism was relentless. They hated my hair because it was too short, my body (obviously I was too big/not sexy enough), everything about my face, my skin colour, my clothes. You name it, if it had anything to do with me, it was ugly.
Every day they commented on the fact that I wasn’t good or pretty enough to be with a guy like Brett and constantly questioned why we were together.
We were introduced at a party – before he got his record deal. I didn’t even realise he was an aspiring singer until our first proper date, but I said I’d happily come to his next show.
Within days, I was watching him perform at a dingy bar in New York, but I didn’t care.
I loved that he was following his dream and there was something intoxicating about watching a man with a guitar, singing a song to you, like you were the only woman that existed.
Truth be told, the bar was empty, so that was pretty accurate, but it wasn’t long before I was head over heels.
I went to all of Brett’s gigs. Whether it was a crowd of three or thirty people, I did whatever I could to support him. When he got heckled, I cheered louder for him. When he didn’t have the money to travel to shows out of town, I got extra shifts at work to pay for it.
He told me that he loved and appreciated me and that one day, when he hit the big time, he’d show me how much.
And stupidly, I believed him.
I remembered joking that when he was famous, he wouldn’t want to hang out with ‘little old me’ and he’d roll his eyes, saying he’d never change.
What a load of bollocks.
When he got signed, I was thrilled for him. But then he started hanging out at industry parties and moving with a different crowd. As Brett became more famous, he changed and the media started taking an interest not just in him, but who he was dating. That’s when all the trolling started…
Even though I’d deleted all the social media apps from my phone so that I didn’t have to see their cruel comments, the damage was already done. I felt so hideous and alone.
Brett thought I was overreacting and needed to grow thicker skin. And at no point did he ever stick up for me.
So I guessed I shouldn’t have been surprised when I discovered he was seeing other women on the side, including the supermodel that he went on to marry just months after we broke up.
My chest tightened. I shouldn’t have agreed to take that photo. And I didn’t even ask to see how it looked afterwards. I was probably all hot and sweaty and looked awful.
I reached for my phone to look up Jake’s Instagram, but then stopped.
My heart raced.
My stomach lurched.
I couldn’t.
It was better that I didn’t see whatever he’d posted or the comments.
If I ignored the haters, I’d be safe.
My phone rang, causing me to almost jump out of my skin.
It was Vanessa. Maybe she’d seen the photos and was calling to warn me like she used to do when things got really bad.
‘So how many pictures of me are plastered across social media right now and how bad are the comments?’ I blurted out quickly. I needed to know.
‘Eh?’ Vanessa replied. ‘What do you mean? There aren’t any photos of you on Jake’s Insta. Why? Did he say he was gonna post something?’
Tension immediately slid from my shoulders. That was a relief.
‘No, but we had a load of photos from the first activity that Sammie, my Love Alchemist lady, took and then there were more pics taken earlier.’
‘Well, there’s none of you. Is that why you thought I was calling?’
‘Yeah.’ I lowered my voice, embarrassment washing over me.
‘Oh, hon. Sorry. I was just calling to see how your first outing went. I didn’t mean to trigger you.’
‘It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I just got worried. I shouldn’t have agreed to take one with him, but I was kind of on a high about the whole horse-riding thing.’
‘Wait, what? You did horse riding?’
‘Yep!’ Pride filled my chest.
‘Horse riding and posing for photos? Wow. Who are you and what the hell have you done with my bestie?’ she laughed.
‘I know, right? Next thing you know I’ll be bungee jumping.’
‘If you do that, I’ll definitely know you’ve been abducted by an alien!’
‘Very funny. Seriously though, are you sure there’s no photos?’
‘Nope.’
‘He must not have got round to posting any yet.’
‘I’m not so sure… He’s done several posts today.
He did a few of the beach this morning. Then there’s some cool ones of the views of the Hollywood Hills and yeah, now that you’ve mentioned horse riding, I do remember that the most recent posts were of some horses, but like I said, there’s none with you. ’
‘Oh.’
That was weird.
Good weird.
I didn’t want him to post photos of me and he hadn’t.
I should feel relieved, but of course my brain had to take me to dark places and make me wonder why. And the default reaction for my mind was to tell me he didn’t want me on his social media because I wasn’t pretty enough and because he knew that his followers would rip me to shreds.
For fuck’s sake.
This was exactly why I couldn’t handle dating anyone in the public eye. It brought out all of my insecurities and a load of bad memories came flooding back.
If I dated Joe Bloggs who worked in accounts for a local company, I wouldn’t have these kinds of concerns. We’d just be two normal people, doing normal things that no one cared about.
I wouldn’t have to worry about women questioning why he’d picked me and not one of the many gorgeous supermodels and actresses that must slide into his DMs along with zillions of fans who’d do anything to breathe the same air as him.
Yeah, I knew that even ‘normal’ guys got attention, but it was always going to be significantly less than a man who was as recognisable as Harry Styles.
‘You sound disappointed,’ Vanessa said, reading my mind. I hated when she did that.
‘Course not!’ I lied. ‘You know how much I hate having my photo taken. And that’s almost as much as having my photo plastered online.’
‘Hmm-mmm,’ she replied, clearly not convinced. ‘I know, but you shouldn’t let that stop you from taking them to keep as mementos of your time there. And to share with your best friend! You know how gorgeous I think you are.’
‘Like you said, you’re my bestie, so of course you’re gonna say that.’
‘Nope. If you were a munter, I probably wouldn’t say anything at all. Actually, I’d just pay for you to get a decent haircut and buy you some good make-up and pretty clothes. Everyone has potential. But luckily you don’t need a makeover.’
‘Er, thanks?’ I said, thinking she meant well, even if her statement didn’t come across that way. Vanessa wasn’t one to mince her words.
‘So tell me more about this horse riding? I thought that would’ve been your idea of hell.’
‘It was. At first.’
I filled Vanessa in on what happened and how understanding Jake was.
‘Oooh!’ she said excitedly. ‘So let me get this straight. He carried your bag and he promised to keep you safe when you were facing one of your biggest fears?’
‘Yeah…’ I said reluctantly, feeling relieved that I hadn’t shared the part about how good it felt when he rested his hand on top of mine. Telling Vanessa that would just be asking for trouble.
‘And then he basically saved you when you fell off the horse?’
‘Yep.’
‘Bloody hell. If an ordinary man did that, I’d be dropping to my knees to thank him, but for a hottie like Jake, forget about going horse riding. I’d be pushing him down on the ground and offering to ride him!’ she cackled.
‘Classic Vanessa,’ I said, trying to resist the urge to laugh with her.
‘Come on,’ she scoffed. ‘You can’t tell me you weren’t tempted.’
‘Of course I wasn’t! I’ve told you. I’m not interested.’
‘If you say so…’ Clearly she didn’t believe me, but that was on her because it was true. Yes, Jake was really sweet today but it just wouldn’t work.
Nope. No way. I couldn’t go there again.
‘Tell me at least that you showed your gratitude in other ways?’
‘I must’ve thanked him a million times. And I was surprised, because I thought he’d get all big-headed and gloaty, but he was actually humble.’
‘So does that mean you’re warming to him?’
I paused, considering my response.
‘Let’s just say that I’ve seen another side of him.
It’s possible that he’s not as arrogant as I thought, but that doesn’t mean we’re best buddies now or that I want to jump his bones.
’ A disobedient wave of tingles shot down my spine.
‘Just because he was sweet for one day doesn’t mean he’s like that all the time. ’
‘True. So do you know where you’re going tomorrow or is that another surprise?’
‘Haven’t got a clue.’
‘Well, wherever you go I’m sure it’ll be fun. Especially now you know you’ve got your very own knight in shining armour! Anyway, babe, I’d better go. Be good and if you can’t be good, be careful!’ A mischievous laugh echoed down the phone.
And before I had time to tell her that I wouldn’t have any need to be careful because I had no intention of doing anything at all with Jake, she hung up.