Chapter 16
TORI
I’ve never understood why the upper sixth make such a big deal of their party cellar in the tunnels beneath the school.
The old greenhouse isn’t just bigger, it’s more comfortable than the Dungeon.
Because that really lives up to its name.
Dark and kind of grim. It smells of beer and stale cigarette smoke, despite them being banned anywhere on school property.
There are threadbare sofas and armchairs, which are saggy and covered with stains – God knows what, and I’d rather not think about it.
I’m sitting next to Val, trying to touch the seats as little as possible.
When I arrived earlier, he was almost OTT in his enthusiasm and introduced me – quite unnecessarily – to the whole room in a slurring voice.
I’m uneasy with how drunk he is already.
And I could really have done without feeling the whole upper sixth staring at me, either amused or dismissive, as I gave an awkward wave before he pulled me away so he could get himself a top-up.
There are times when I find it hard enough to watch how much the others drink at our midnight parties in the old greenhouse, but here it’s worse.
Not even Eleanor and her friends are sober.
Nobody tried to force me, but I can tell that Val’s irritated by me sticking to cola and water.
My friends are so open-minded about it that I’d forgotten not everyone feels the same way.
Sinclair’s the only one who knows why I don’t drink.
I can’t. How can I enjoy something that’s slowly but surely taking my mum away from me?
It’s not really about the fear of losing control myself.
I just don’t see any sense in voluntarily dosing myself with the drug that almost destroyed my family.
And still might. I’ve barely been in touch with Mum and Dad lately, so I don’t have a clue how things are going.
And seeing that Sinclair and I aren’t talking, there’s nobody but my brother that I could discuss it with.
Val absolutely mustn’t hear about it. Veronica Ward might stop doing business with my mum if she knew about her alcohol problem.
I wouldn’t put anything past her, even though I don’t believe Mum’s anywhere near the only one who has a problem with particular substances.
It’s no secret that some of her friends will take any opportunity to do a line of coke with as big a banknote as possible.
At least Val’s not doing that tonight. Or not that I’ve seen, anyway.
Maybe he did before I got here. I’m not sure.
His pupils are probably wide because it’s dark down here.
I can’t think about it if I want to stay calm.
Is he even sober enough to have the conversation?
There’s no point if he’s not in a fit state to remember it tomorrow.
But I have to do it. There’s no way around it, I just have to wait for the right moment.
I can’t join in much of the conversation because there are too many in-jokes, but Val at least tries to explain as many of them as he can to me.
At first, anyway. By this point, his hand’s on my thigh, and wandering ever higher.
I cross my legs, but he doesn’t take it away.
Instead, I feel his other hand on the back of my neck.
My pulse quickens as he looks at me. He’s attractive, no question. And when he kisses me like he’s doing now, my body responds. Because Val knows what he’s doing. His hand on the back of my head, his mouth only just grazing my lips.
‘You’re looking hot tonight,’ he whispers by my side.
I get goosebumps because this is all wrong. His hand strokes my hip. I pull away and clear my throat.
‘Want to head out for a bit?’
Astonishment crosses Val’s eyes. He doesn’t answer, just kisses me again and takes my hand.
The music grows quieter as we step out into the dark corridor and the door shuts behind us. I open my mouth, but before I can say a word, Val’s lips are on mine.
Looks like he got the wrong idea.
For a few seconds, I’m too out of my depth to do anything about him drawing my head up to his and pressing me against the wall with his body. I feel the cold stone through my jumper, Val’s hard crotch and a slight hint of panic because I’m suddenly all too aware of his strength.
‘Val,’ I say, between kisses. He doesn’t respond.
I push him away a little and at the same moment, the door to the Dungeon opens.
I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s Eleanor of all people, stepping out with her friends.
Her eyes immediately scan the corridor and stick fast to us.
My pulse calms a little once I realize we’re on her radar.
‘What?’ Val asks, glancing aside.
‘I wanted to talk to you,’ I start.
‘Talk,’ he repeats sarcastically.
‘Yes, there’s something I have to tell you.’
‘It doesn’t bother me that you’ve never done it before,’ he declares.
And I don’t say anything.
I just don’t say anything.
It takes me a good three seconds to twig what he means. And another three for the disbelief and rage to rise inside me.
‘Oh, how nice that it doesn’t bother you.’
Val seems surprised by my mood swing. He opens his mouth and frowns. ‘Wasn’t that what you wanted to hear?’
I laugh mirthlessly. ‘No, Val. Shit . . . Do you only say things because you think they’re what I want to hear?
’ When he doesn’t answer, I run both hands over my face and take a deep breath.
It’s no good: I can’t duck the nasty part of this conversation.
‘OK, whatever. That wasn’t what I wanted to say. ’
‘So you’ve done it? With him?’ I hear the threatening slur in his voice and start to feel afraid. ‘Come on, tell me. It was with him, wasn’t it?’ Val laughs. ‘Of course it was him.’
‘I don’t know what business it is of yours, but no, I haven’t, if you really want to know,’ I snap. OK, well, I haven’t done THAT . . . I’ve done other things, though, and that’s what I need to tell him.
Val eyes me and I can see he doesn’t believe me. And I don’t care because, to be honest, there’s no reason why I should convince him. I made a mistake today but I don’t have to tell him whether or not I’ve ever slept with anyone else.
‘What’s the problem, then?’ His voice is cool and his eyes are drunken.
Alcohol affects your self-control. Everyone knows that.
And Val’s not the greatest at self-control even when he’s sober.
It feels like chickening out, but I’m suddenly not sure if I should go through with this.
I’m always in favour of telling the truth, but not at all costs. Not when I’m worried for my safety.
‘Tori,’ he says, more insistently.
‘Doesn’t matter.’
Wow. I should at least have come up with a better lie. Val’s eyes narrow as he looks at me.
‘What?’ he persists.
‘Val . . .’
‘You’ve got a guilty conscience,’ he says. ‘Is that it? You were so weird earlier. Have been for ages, to be honest. Since you’ve been seeing him the whole time at the rehearsals.’ Val steps towards me. ‘Are you cheating on me?’
‘No,’ I retort at once, but my voice sounds rather squeakier than normal.
‘Stop taking the piss.’
‘Val, I think it would be better to talk about this calmly.’ I glance around.
‘Tell me right now what’s going on,’ Val growls.
I can smell the booze on his breath. ‘I’d rather discuss it when you’re sober.’
‘And I want to know right fucking now.’
‘Val,’ I say quietly.
‘Tori, stop the bullshit!’
‘Everything OK over there?’ Eleanor’s still standing with her friends, but she’s looking in our direction.
‘Yeah, is everything OK?’ Val repeats. ‘Good question, El. I’ve got one for you.
Is your co-star fucking you too, or is that just something between him and Tori?
’ I feel all my blood rush to my legs. Eleanor opens her mouth, but Val won’t let her speak.
‘I’m sure it’s all just staying in character, right? ’
‘Val, go and sleep it off.’ How can she stay so calm? Maybe she’s wiser than me and knows that things can only go downhill if you respond to his provocations. ‘You’re steaming.’
‘So how do you justify it to yourself?’ Val turns back to me. ‘Is it for the role you wanted but weren’t good enough for? Inspiration for the script? Is he good, at least? Come on, tell me about it, or are you too frigid even for that?’
‘Val . . .’ My voice is trembling. ‘It was a kiss, OK? One kiss, and nothing else. It happened this afternoon and that’s why I wanted to talk to you. Because I’m afraid I can’t do this any more.’
‘Wow.’ Val’s voice is dangerously quiet and way scarier than when he was yelling just now. I can’t breathe. He laughs quietly. ‘So it’s true. You were lying to me.’
‘I didn’t mean—’
‘And I asked you so often, but you denied it. So what are we going to do now, Tori?’ His eyes bore through me.
‘I’m sorry, Val.’ My voice is shaking with suppressed panic. I really wish he’d get mad, scream, swear at me, but he’s doing the exact opposite and it’s terrifying. ‘I didn’t intend it to happen, you have to believe me.’
‘Do I? Do I have to believe anything you say? Maybe I should have believed my gut. What do you reckon?’
‘Val, stop it,’ I beg quietly.
‘Stop what? Stop what, huh?’ He takes a rapid step towards me. As I instinctively step back and feel the wall at my back, my heart starts racing. He’s so close to me that I can’t move. I can feel his breath on my lips and his hand on my shoulder. ‘Look me in the fucking eye!’
I do so, and I’m afraid of this man. It’s the worst feeling in the entire world, but I don’t dare disobey him. He’s taller than me, stronger, he’s pressing me into the cold stone and my mind stands still.
He leans down until his lips are by my right ear.
‘Get tae fuck, Victoria Belhaven-Wynford!’ he hisses. I shut my eyes, I can’t breathe. ‘And take your shitey wee pal with you.’