Chapter 17
TORI
Fuck.
Fuck.
What the hell have I done? I only realized it was my voice calling his name when he stopped. He heard me and looked my way, confusion, surprise and shock in his eyes. His body is tense, my breath catches. He’s only distracted for a split second but it’s enough for Val to raise his fist.
There’s a suppressed scream as Charlie hits the floor. It comes from me. A punch, Val’s fist in Charlie’s face, and I feel all the blood drain down to my toes. Val wipes his bleeding nose with his forearm.
‘Stop it, stop it!’ My voice is shaking, Eleanor lets go of me. Neil grabs Val’s arm and pulls him aside. There’s a ringing in my ears as I kneel next to Charlie.
He’s propped himself on his elbows and is feeling his nose with one hand. The blood runs down his fingers and pools in the sleeve of his jumper. But his eyes are fixed on me.
‘Shit, I’m so sorry,’ I whisper, as I see his face. Charlie just shakes his head. He looks from me to Val, who’s spitting a little blood onto the floor, as the others pull him further away. ‘Can you stand?’
My heart is thumping as Charlie gathers himself up.
He suppresses a groan. I reach for his arm because he’s swaying.
I’m not thinking. I just want to get out of here.
It feels like I can’t breathe again until everyone’s voices have faded behind us and we’ve made it up the stairs.
Charlie clings to the banister and stops. It’s only for a moment, but I see it.
‘Here.’ I dig a tissue out of my pocket and try to pull myself together.
Breathe, Tori. Don’t freak out now. Go through your options and work out what to do next.
Charlie wipes the blood from his face. He’s pale, but I can see the adrenaline still in his eyes – it’ll drop off any moment, though.
‘Look at me,’ I insist. ‘How bad is it?’
‘Not bad,’ he mutters. His voice sounds choked but he’s trying to get himself together.
‘Want to go to the sick bay?’
He’s shaking his head before I even finish the question. ‘No.’
‘Are you sure?’
He hesitates, and I can tell he’s not sure. I hold my breath as a motion sensor comes on further down the hallway.
‘Damn.’ I pull him aside and shove him into a wee niche. How much noise were we making just then? Did anyone hear? The school walls are thick, but the teachers’ flats are in the building opposite.
Charlie groans quietly as I press him against the wall and footsteps come closer.
I put my finger to my lips and hold my breath.
If anyone catches us like this, and his mum hears that he and Val were fighting, we’re doomed.
It’ll be pretty obvious in the daylight tomorrow, judging by Charlie’s face now, but it would still be better not to be caught out here together after wing time.
It’s Ms Cox, the first-form girls’ houseparent, and I breathe again once she’s walked past. Her footsteps fade away and then I feel Charlie’s warm body pressed against mine. I immediately move away.
Distance. Now. Right now.
‘C’mon.’ I take his hand and pull him with me. His nose is no longer bleeding quite so badly by the time we reach his wing. All the same, I finally take in the full extent of the disaster when I turn the light on in his room. He looks dreadful and his jumper is covered with blood.
I shove him into the bathroom where he leans both hands against the washbasin and glances in the mirror.
‘Ah, fuck . . .’ he mumbles, pinching his eyes shut.
‘Take that off,’ I order him, pointing to his hoodie. If that blood’s ever going to come out, I need to soak it in cold water right away. Well, once he’s stopped bleeding. I need to get some ice. OK, Tori, calm down. One thing at a time.
He actually does what I say. His T-shirt rides up a little as he pulls the jumper over his head and reveals a strip of bare skin.
I flush hot. I might like to joke that riding isn’t a real sport, but his six-pack begs to differ.
Which is entirely irrelevant just now. He’s not doing well.
He suppresses a groan as he pulls off the hoodie.
I take it from him and make him sit down on the closed loo seat, then wet a towel and run ice-cold water into the sink to soak it.
There’s a bit on his T-shirt collar too, but like hell am I asking him to take that off right now.
In the worst case, he’ll have to throw it away.
When I turn back to him, he’s leaning his head against the wall. Memories catch up with me. The New Year Ball. Charlie drunk, me with him in this room. This time everything’s different, yet nothing’s different at all.
He blinks as I step between his legs and take his chin. His skin is warm and I feel his jaw tense beneath my fingertips. The area around his left eye is already starting to swell.
‘Don’t move,’ I order him, as I dab away the blood. I’m being as careful as I can, and I’m sure he’s trying not to show anything, but he flinches when I accidentally get too close to his nose. ‘Sorry,’ I murmur.
‘’S OK.’
‘It doesn’t look very OK to me.’
He groans again and lets his head droop.
‘Is there any ice in your kitchen?’ I ask.
‘No idea, I can go and have a look.’
‘Don’t even think about it,’ I warn him. ‘You stay right where you are. Here, for your nose.’ He reaches for the wet towel I hold out to him. I get goosebumps as his fingers brush mine.
This is nuts. My best friend’s been in a fight. For my sake. Because we kissed. All in one day. I’m seriously doubting my state of mind as I flit down the corridor to the boys’ kitchen.
The layout’s similar to ours in the west wing, so I have no problem finding my way in the dark. To my surprise, amid the mountain of frozen pizzas and ready-meal lasagnes, I find a bag of peas.
Charlie is standing in front of the mirror again when I get back to his room. He’s pulled off his T-shirt. Does he have a death-wish? I can’t deal with his ripped upper body right now. His jeans are pretty low-slung.
I stop in the bathroom doorway and my throat is suddenly dry as dust.
‘Here.’ I cough and hold up the bag of frozen peas. ‘Best I could do.’
He looks at me, and he’s gorgeous, even now with half his face swollen and a split lip.
I want to kiss him. I want to say his name until I forget who I am.
I want all of that and I sense that tonight I don’t have the strength to stop myself.
And that’s not good because I’m alone with him in his room.
‘Did he hurt you?’
His voice is quiet but it cuts me to the quick. Maybe it’s better to act like I didn’t hear him.
‘Tori?’ he asks, more insistently. I can’t say a word when he turns to me. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t come towards me because he knows that then I’d have to step back. I feel an overwhelming urge to burst into tears. He gulps and keeps watching me. ‘Please . . .’
‘No . . .’ I manage to say. Val didn’t do anything.
Apart from kissing me and holding me when I didn’t want him to, and if I’m perfectly honest, that wasn’t OK.
And if I’m brutally honest, a lot of things haven’t been OK.
And everyone knew it. Everyone was warning me, the whole time.
Emma, Henry, Will, Charlie. And I didn’t want to listen because I thought I knew better.
Because I thought I’d read enough novels that nothing like that could happen to me.
And I’m not strong enough to face that just now.
Let alone to allow myself to feel the emotions.
I don’t have a clue what it means. I need to think it all over and work out where we go from here.
And until then, I can’t show any emotions.
Let alone weakness. Not in front of Charlie.
Not in front of myself. Not in front of anybody.
‘Are you sure?’
‘For fuck’s sake, yes.’ My voice cracks but I don’t cry. I gulp, because I can’t help it.
You’re all right. You’re doing fine.
Cold water runs down my forearm and I remember the peas.
‘Here.’ I hand them to him. ‘You need an ice pack.’
‘Tori, if he did anything you didn’t want, we have to tell Mum . . .’
‘We don’t have to do anything,’ I reply, too loudly. ‘Any more than you had to go and start that fight.’
Charlie stands there like he’s been rooted to the spot.
‘I was just about to leave, everything was perfectly fine. I had it all under control, got that?’
‘Yeah, that’s just what it looked like.’ He takes the peas.
‘What were you even doing down there?’ I ask, as I remember that he was meant to be at the midnight party with the others.
‘Eleanor messaged me.’
I freeze. He was there for her. Because Eleanor messaged him. I stop feeling anything.
‘She saw you with Valentine and she was worried about you.’
I turn away. ‘You shouldn’t have come.’
‘Fuck it, Tori. Stop all this crap!’
I flinch. ‘No, don’t you get it? I don’t need you, I didn’t need rescuing. I had everything under control until you turned up and started throwing punches, like a Neanderthal. God, what were you thinking?’
‘What was I thinking?’ he repeats. ‘That that wanker would finally get what’s coming to him! He walks around this school thinking he can treat everyone like shit without ever taking the consequences. He did the exact same thing to Eleanor!’
Eleanor. Of course Eleanor. Always, always Eleanor.
I can’t stand it any more. And I’m furious.
With Valentine, with Charlie and, most of all, with myself.
Why can’t I even come close to living out my values in real life?
Why is it so much easier to roll my eyes when the protagonist of one of my books makes stupid decisions and doesn’t speak up?
Why are things so much more complicated in reality?
Why didn’t I tell Val what I wanted to say?
No. Clear and concise. Let me go, never touch me again.
Why? And why do I now feel guilty about that?
Why did I let things get to the point where my best friend was fighting for me only hours after kissing me and why haven’t we spoken about it again the way we should do?