Chapter 21 #2
‘It made me angry too.’ His voice trembles. ‘I felt totally powerless. Whatever I said, I knew it wouldn’t change anything. It did the opposite. It made everything worse. And I want you to know that I didn’t want to interfere in your life. It was just so hard to deal with seeing you unhappy.’
‘I know, Charlie.’
He looks at me and I forget what I was about to say.
‘I love it when you say that.’
‘What?’
‘My name.’
‘Or should I go back to calling you Sinclair?’
‘No,’ he protests.
Phew. It’s almost uncanny how weird that already feels, even though he’s been Sinclair to me for years. But now he’s Charlie. And I hope he’ll stay Charlie for ever.
‘And I’m sorry, by the way,’ I mumble.
‘What for?’
‘For calling your name when you and Val were fighting. I don’t think it would have been so bad for you if I hadn’t distracted you.’
‘Maybe not,’ he says at once. ‘But I reckon it was worth it.’
My stomach flutters. I raise my hand and lay my fingers on his left cheek. There’s not much of the black eye left, but if you knew it was there, you can see that the skin around his eye is still slightly dark.
‘I really am sorry,’ I repeat.
‘And so am I.’ He sighs. ‘And I get that you were angry. I was out of line, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted Val to get what was coming to him.’
‘From you?’
Charlie raises his eyebrows at my sarcastic tone. ‘Cos I wanted to mix it with the rugby captain? Is that really so unrealistic?’
‘I’d better not answer that.’
Charlie laughs softly and hugs me closer again. ‘Yeah, it was pretty unrealistic, I’ll give you that.’
‘You’re always so insightful. It really could have gone to shite.’
‘Hey, I’m not that much of a weakling.’
My best friend is way stronger than I’d thought. ‘I know, but he was drunk.’
Charles understands. I’m sure of that as the smile fades from his face. ‘I’m sorry for getting so hammered at the New Year Ball too,’ he adds.
I swallow hard. ‘Just never do that again.’
‘I don’t think I’ll have any reason to in future.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I was drinking because I couldn’t stand seeing you with him.’
‘Charlie . . .’
‘I know, that was really pointless.’
‘Pretty much.’
He looks at me, I want to ask what he’s thinking, but I can’t speak because he’s stroking my cheek.
‘You’re pale,’ he says quietly.
‘“It’s just the light, my darling.”’ It’s my first thought, and Charlie remembers. I can see it in his face. His line. Romeo to Juliet, the scene we rehearsed together.
‘Maybe I haven’t made the smartest decisions lately.’
I nod. ‘I can think of another example.’
He immediately understands what I mean, I’m sure of that, even before he heaves this big sigh. ‘Tori . . .’
‘No, listen to me. You can’t give up the part. Eleanor and you were amazing together.’ It hurts a bit to admit that, but it’s the truth. I want to get this right. And if it starts with Charlie giving up something he loves for my sake, then we’re pretty star-crossed too.
I realize this is in danger of turning into an argument as he sits up slightly. ‘Tori, I can’t do it any more. I saw how much I was hurting you.’
‘And I saw how much you were enjoying being on stage.’
‘I didn’t even want to,’ he retorts. ‘Don’t you get it?
I only did it for you. I thought you’d audition, so I made myself try.
I hoped we’d be able to spend more time together if we were both in the drama club.
I didn’t want the lead role. I thought Mr Acevedo would let me be a tree or have some walk-on part or something, but not Romeo. ’
‘That was before we all knew that you could do it,’ I say sharply. ‘Or are you really not enjoying it? Look at me and tell me you’re not absolutely in your element when you’re standing on that stage, and I’ll never breathe another word about it.’
He hesitates.
‘You see?’
‘No, stop it. It’s done. Mr Acevedo will have recast Romeo ages ago. I can’t just go to him and ask him to take me back.’
‘But you’d like to?’
‘No, Tori . . .’
‘I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem.’
‘Tori,’ he repeats, more insistently. ‘I’ve made my decision. It’s better this way. For everyone.’
‘I don’t want you to stop doing things you enjoy for my sake.’
‘And I don’t want the things I enjoy to make you unhappy.’ I open my mouth, but he won’t let me speak. ‘And I don’t want to talk any more about it.’
I don’t like it, but I sense that we won’t get anywhere like this. So I let it rest. Maybe I can have a chat with Eleanor and ask her to talk some sense into him. Part of me goes on the defensive at that thought, but I force myself not to listen to it.
Charlie is here. Here with me. Of his own free will. Because he wants to be. I have no reason to be jealous. I have to tell myself that again and again.
‘Are you tired?’ Charlie asks at the exact second I imagine how nice it would be just to shut my eyes now. ‘Did you eat anything? You weren’t at dinner.’
‘Ms Barnett brought some soup up to me,’ I say.
‘Should I get you something else? When we were at the bakery, we could have . . .’
‘Charlie,’ I say quietly. He goes silent. ‘Everything’s perfect.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘I’m sure.’
‘Want some sleep?’ he asks, meaning should he go.
I wrap my arm more tightly around him. ‘Can you stay?’
‘If you want me to.’
‘Yes,’ I whisper, as he puts his fingers on the back of my neck. I can’t remember the last time I fell asleep in his arms. I only know I’ve missed it. His warm body, his chest, slowly rising and falling beneath my cheek.
We kissed. Today. It was the third time. And this time, everything was right. No secrets, no regrets. No crazy fever dream that I wake from with a start, wanting to cry. Just reality.
SINCLAIR
I didn’t know you could be dizzy with happiness. That you could feel this light and content, despite having slept barely a wink. I was tired, but I couldn’t sleep. I had to listen to Tori’s breathing and take in her smell, feel her warmth and wonder if I was bloody dreaming.
I’m not dreaming. I’m sure of that as I budge over as cautiously as I can and get up just before six.
I wish I didn’t have to, but in a few minutes, Ms Barnett will be waking the others for the morning run.
I’m sure Tori’s been let off for the next wee while, but she might still peek in. By which time I need to be gone.
I actually don’t mind the run, but at times like this, I curse being at this school and having to follow rules that make it impossible to just stay here, lying beside her.
Tori stirs as I stand up and slip on my hoodie. She blinks and I bite my bottom lip.
‘Sorry,’ I whisper, leaning down to her. ‘I have to get out of here. Go back to sleep.’
She groans, which makes me laugh – I’m not sure that she’s quite awake.
Then she pulls me closer by the fabric of my jumper.
My heart lurches but I just lean down to her face and press my lips gently onto hers.
I don’t know why I’m so nervous. Maybe because part of my overtired brain is afraid it just imagined last night.
And that today we won’t be Victoria and Charles any more, we’ll be Tori and Sinclair who kiss in secret and never speak of it again.
But then I feel her smile in the kiss, and shut my eyes.
‘Are you OK?’ I ask quietly.
She nods and I kiss her forehead. Tori’s trying not to shut her eyes again as I straighten up. I hope Ms Barnett will force her to stay in bed today and not come down to class.
It’s still quiet in the girls’ wing, but the moment I reach our corridor in the east wing, I run straight into Mr Acevedo. He eyes me without a word, and for a moment, my heart stops.
‘I suppose you were wide awake and went downstairs to get a bit of fresh air?’ he suggests slowly.
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Yes, exactly.’
‘That’s just as well. Otherwise, I’d have to inform your mother.’
‘I know.’ Shit. I’ll have to be more careful in future. I’d already twigged that Mr Acevedo isn’t as ignorant as we’d like to think. I’m sure he knows that Henry spends more nights in Emma’s bed than his own. But even so, I wouldn’t want him to catch me red-handed.
I feel his eyes on my back as I head to my room.
I wish I could turn round and apologize.
Not just for breaking the rules, but also about the drama club.
No matter that I really didn’t have a choice, it wasn’t cool to quit right in the middle of rehearsals.
I’m only too aware of how hard it must be to recast Romeo without causing trouble with a different role.
I’d like to know how they’ve solved the problem, but it doesn’t feel right to ask Mr Acevedo. I’d rather bug Gideon about it.
Louis and Eleanor get on well, but I’m afraid they wouldn’t really work as lovers.
Besides, he’s such a good Mercutio that it would be a shame if he didn’t play him.
And the same for Gideon – he’s the perfect Benvolio.
Besides, he only has eyes for Grace. Even I’ve noticed that.
Lately, Grace has often looked kind of out of it.
I’m afraid she hasn’t really got over breaking up with Henry, and I can understand that.
Maybe she and Gideon should take the two lead roles, but Mr Acevedo would never do that to Eleanor.
It wouldn’t be fair. She deserves to play Juliet.
And I wish it wasn’t like this, but it feels like I’ve left her in the lurch.
I know that Eleanor and I would have worked on stage.
Acting with her was so much fun. But the price is too high.
It’s Tori’s peace of mind, and I can’t risk that.
Not for a bit of personal fulfilment on stage.
Not if I imagine the way I’d feel seeing her up there with somebody else.
I know she wants to try not to be jealous, and to be happy for me.
But I can’t demand that of her. So, no Romeo for me.
We can try again next year. And our real-life love story is more important than the theatrical version.