Chapter 7
The next morning I log on to the speed dating website and enter my details. Maybe that shitshow will have been worth it after all. It takes a second to load while I plan what to wear for my second date.
No matches. None. Zero. Zilch.
I refresh the page. Still nothing. Is this a mistake? I mean, to be fair, the only man I said yes to was Martin and his cat family, but even he couldn’t bring himself to go on a second date with me. Rude. I hated that quiff anyway.
‘I don’t get it,’ I tell Naomi. ‘We had a perfectly decent chat. No weird silences. I made him laugh. He has Bengals, for God’s sake! Those cats would have been worshipped, despite what that prick Jasper said.’
‘What did he say?’
‘That I wasn’t an animal lover because I eat them,’ I mutter defiantly like a toddler.
She snorts loudly into the phone. ‘OK, fine, I get why Jasper was a no, but besides the orthodontist, wasn’t there anyone you wanted to see again?’
‘Hmm, maybe that woman in the red dress. She had shiny hair and elegant earrings.’
She sighs. ‘Sophie, if you liked women, you’d have been happily married by now.’
‘True.’
She laughs. ‘You don’t want to date a teeth guy anyway. He’d monitor your floss usage and talk to you while your mouth’s full.’
Now I’m the one snorting.
‘So,’ she continues, ‘speed dating and dating apps are out. What’s next?’
‘Thinking outside the box,’ I inform her. ‘Like singles’ skydiving or something equally ridiculous and life threatening.’
‘Well, there’s a woman in my art class who met her husband while she was running.’
‘Why was she running? Was she being chased?’
‘You do know that people exercise, Sophie? It’s, like, a thing.’
‘Hey, I exercise! I joined the gym two years ago.’
‘And how many times have you been? Twice?’
‘Three times actually,’ I inform her, failing to mention that the third time was to pick up the earbuds I’d left there on my second visit. I also sold my trainers on Vinted and bought a lampshade. ‘But my treadmill game was weak.’
‘Look, even if you can’t run, there will probably be power walkers. Just feign some medical condition and stroll.’
‘Medical condition? Like lupus?’
‘No, Doctor House, not like lupus. Maybe a pinched nerve? Swollen ankle? Inflated arse? I don’t know.’
I start googling singles’ activities and I’m surprised by just how many there are: fit singles, cigar tasting, Christian/Jewish/Pagan singles’ events and even a games night where you can Twister and Scrabble yourself from an ‘I’ to a ‘we’ with a funny story to tell your grandkids.
Some of the events are booked up, particularly the cigar tasting.
I’m baffled. Wine tasting I understand, but sniffing and tonguing a cigar, especially to a non-smoker, sounds repulsive.
The religious nights are also vetoed. If your date bursts into flames at church, she’s probably not a keeper.
That leaves me with Fit Singles and Games Night.